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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

On To Step 4

Oh God. Where do I start? I suppose at the beginning of the day. It started with me feeling pretty down. Teresa and I agreed that once I got to the Mustard Seed my spirits would be picked up. And I did feel a bit better when I got there. We had a few out-of-towners, which was good. It's always nice to chat with them before and after the group. There was an older couple from Florida. She has been in AA for a long time and he is in Al-anon. They were very happy together and that brought some of my faith back to the surface. The topic was living in the now, maintaining serenity, and not freaking out over the future. That's a tough one for me. As long as I'm doing what I need to do in the present, I'm very confident that things are going to work out well in my recovery, finances and with a particular young lady I'd like to start a family with. It's just that sometimes a little something will happen to rattle that, and that's when I pray or call Teresa. Thanks, Teresa. She's been a very patient and understanding source of support.

After the meeting, I made my way to the Rue for coffee with my sponsor. It was too late for lunch. We sat right down and went over my work for Step 3. I was to read about the step and then write about 3 things. This is what I wrote....

Openness is something I've always had trouble with. I used to shut down immediately at the first sign of danger to my emotions (or lack there-of). Openness is being forthright, honest. and willing to come out and bare all to my loved ones, my program, and my higher power. It's a testament of love and respect. It's also a sign of trust.

Willingness takes faith. It's something I find deep down inside. Sometimes it involves letting go of skepticism, resistance, and fear. It's a commitment to those I love and saying to God, "I'm giving this to you. I can't handle it on my own." I am willing to do right by my recovery and to the people in my life... And I will follow through.

Honesty isn't only about telling the truth. It's about being true to myself and everyone around me. Honesty is an action. An example. It's following through on promises and it is crucial in making sound decisions. It's also one of the cornerstones of recovery. I lied for so long, even about some of the smallest stuff. I even had myself convinced of some of the most ridiculous things. The biggest lie, though, was that everybody and everything around me was my problem. Things started moving forward when I finally admitted that my biggest problem was Jay.

We talked about it for a few minutes. I explained that these things seemed to go hand in hand. A Trinity if you will. Then my sponsor asked me to read something. Page 63 in the Big Book. I read it, talked to him about my spiritual awakening, and then he asked me to read the prayer on the page out loud.

"God I offer myself to Thee- To build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always."

After that he said, "Now we move on to Step 4."

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

We're basically going to dig through my resentments, flaws of character, fears.... Things that led me to drinking and/or doing wrong by others. And the wrongs that I did.

More good news was to come. I dropped in at work and it looks like the newest guy quit, so I'm going to get my old schedule back. That will free me up in the evenings for a second job or finding a better full time job and keeping this one part time.

Whew. That was alot. I'll write more this evening after my men's group. Right now I'm just going to finish my coffee, listen to music on Spotify, and reflect.

1 comment:

  1. You are so welcome Jay. I am and will always be there for you besides: I can only keep what I've got by giving it back!