"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition."
What was so fitting was that I had just been talking about this yesterday, wrote about it last night and today I got a chance to explore it further in a meeting. Now I'm not actually on step 10, not trying to jump ahead of myself, but I can already feel some of what this describes in my life. I think this is because I'm opening myself up to my Higher Power and leaving my skepticism about him and the program at the door. Doing that, I can actually feel things starting to work in my life. I've opened up possibilities that weren't there when I was drinking (or just not recovering). I'm not doing somersaults down the church isle yelling, "I'm cured! I'm cured!" There is however an honest, palpable change in my life and I am grateful.
Ahhhhhh..... Now to talk about the holidays. Not much to say. I look forward to the visiting, the spiritual aspect and giving gifts, but I think that is where I'll be drawing the line this year. It's just going to be too hard to get very involved in all the other stuff. I should've been in a position to share it with the one I love, but I effed that up. At least for this holiday season anyway. All I can say is that I can never be sorry enough, Sweety. I love her more than anything and I will never betray her or that love again. I know this in my heart and in my soul.
Not writing this to start a pity party. Not trying to make anyone feel bad. But it will be my existence this Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's, and I will deal with it all one day at a time.
I visit my folks Jan. 6th -14th. Can't wait to see them and catch up. Working til 10:30 tonight so will try to post again before midnight.
Oh. Finally paid off one of those things on my credit report. Woot.