The Prodigal Son (Cornerstone Church Service from 7-1-12)

Here it is! The Cornerstone sermon from Sunday. Sorry I was a bit late posting....

Was at my homegroup tonight. It was a great meeting. Had a really good speaker. It was hard for me to pay attention, however, due to the over-powering smell of alcohol coming from my neighbor's breath. I don't mean the smell of alcohol that was consumed during the day today, I mean the smell of alcohol that has been consumed for the past few days straight. I finally had to get up and walk outside because I was starting to gag.

I'm not trying to imply that the guy shouldn't have been there. Actually, I can't think of a better place for him to have been. He's a regular too. Every Thursday night. Really nice guy, but not quite right in the head. I don't judge him and I didn't say anything to my fellow members. I'm sure that after all this time they know.

I wish him well, and I hope I see him again next Thursday (just not going to sit by him).

Afterwards I found out that we aren't hosting meetings at the men's shelter anymore. Very sad to hear it, but none of the guys staying there attended.

All-in-all it was a good day though. Of course, as they say, anyday above ground is a good day. ;)

Good night and God Bless!

More of Jay's NOLA (In Recovery)

NOLA.... New Orleans Louisiana. Back in October I had posted a few long messages on my Facebook page. When I realized it may not be an appropriate place to write about being a former drunk, I started this blog. The first post was called "Sushi and Preachers". I couldn't have been more thankful for the outpouring of support from my family and friends. Here's the pic from my lunch on the Riverwalk... The day I started doing this.

I quickly fell into a routine of getting up everyday, going straight to a noon meeting, getting lunch, writing, and then going to work. Those days were nice in a bittersweet way, but life has a way of stacking other things upon you. Some of my favorite lunches were when I ate Subway in front of St. Louis Cathedral and Jackson Square.

The Archdiocese of New Orleans says,

"Eat Fresh!"

New Year's Eve! I was so looking for something to bring in the New Year. I was quite lonely at the time and really wanted to do something on that special evening. What I found was one of my favorite hangouts in New Orleans. The Columns. It's a historic house made into a hotel. I listened to live jazz and drank cranberry and soda (with a twist of lime) all night.

Your's truly taking his own pic up against...

a column.

What Would a Mature Adult Do?

I just got back in from my men's group. It was a birthday speaker meeting. This guy had alot of the same problems that I did finding recovery. He resisted, tried to do it on his own, went to meetings but never got a sponsor, didn't turn it over to God, relapsed... It's not a unique story at all. I've learned that most of the people who found success in the program had a pretty sticky time at first. That doesn't necessarily give one license to run wild with the idea that it's ok to slip and slide before getting a firm grip on sobriety. Other people suffer along the way. Our selfishness told us that we weren't responsible for that pain. I've come to discover that we very much are.Especially when we choose alcohol over the people we love. It may very well be the disease causing that horrible lapse in judgement, but at some point, enough has to be enough.

That makes me wonder how many people question my recovery. It's only natural and very fair that they would. I can tell you that I never planned to be an addict. I didn't wake up one day in grade school and say, "When I grow up, I'm going to lay on the couch drunk everyday and watch The Price is Right." I can also tell you that it would be a pretty grim and somewhat cynical assumption that I would be an active alcoholic for the rest of my life. There's no difference between that and a death sentence. I plan to have a home and a family. It's something that I have always wanted, and now it's more than just possible... It's a certainty as long as I work my program. As long as I am recovering.

The most profound thing I walked away with tonight was something our speaker said his sponsor told him. That when he was faced with a problem or conundrum to ask himself, "What would a mature adult do?" It's such a simple question, but I love it and plan to use it.

The rest of the day was business as usual. Worked most of it. Went to the park before my meeting and saw my ducks... and squirrels...and nutria... The bus driver almost knows me by name now. Really nice guy. We chat and exchange pleasantries almost everyday. He is straight up, old school New Orleanian. I'm almost going to feel guilty when I get my car. I'm sure he'll understand.

Have a wonderful night and God bless!

Humble Pie

Homegroup went really well tonight. Bit of a small crowd, though. I did get my literature for next week's H&I, and I have two speakers who volunteered. Can't wait!

I would like to talk about last night's post for a moment. Something has been weighing kinda heavily on me today. One of the paragraphs seemed a bit boastful. When I asked someone about it this morning, she agreed. The idea I was trying to convey was that traveling and living a fancy free lifestyle isn't worth sacrificing relationships with loved ones. I could have worded that much more humbly... And more truthfully. Most of my running around and partying was at the expense of others. Figuratively and literally. I never accepted any consequences for my actions, so they were left on the people who loved me. And for that I am eternally sorry. Hopefully, in some way, my new actions can make up for some of it.

I've been waiting all day to say that. And it's been a long day. Got up very early, went to work, and then to my meeting. Pretty tired, so I'll probably hit the hay soon. I still encourage anyone who sees something askew, or something I've missed in my writing to call me on it.

Well. I'm going to start winding down... Goodnight, world.

Hospitals and Institutions

Up at the crack of dawn for work. It was a good day, though. Ran non-stop again so I'm kinda looking forward to sleeping in a bit tomorrow.

Homegroup was great. The business meeting was a little more animated than usual. One of the items we discussed was starting H&I at one of the men's shelters. H&I is service work that we do in hospitals and institutions. Usually conducting meetings. I was honored enough to have been asked to chair one a month. Since it would be my first time doing something like that, I told them I felt like I should run it by my sponsor. Shouldn't be a prob.

The regular meeting was good too. We had a member pick up her 30 year chip. I always love seeing that. It's an awesome reminder of how well the program works if you work it...

Getting ready for bed now. May get a little stormy tonight, but that's perfectly ok. I enjoy a good thunderstorm.

Have a peaceful night and a blessed tomorrow!

What's Your Poison?

Alcohol is poison to the alcoholic. Poison is not too strong a word, because alcoholism leads eventually to the death of the alcoholic. It may be a quick death or a slow death. When we go by package stores and see various kinds of liquor all dressed up in fancy packages to make it look attractive, we should always make it a point to say to ourselves so we'll never forget it: "That stuff's all poison to me." And it is. Alcohol poisoned our lives for a long time. Do I know that since I'm an alcoholic all liquor is poison to me?

Talked about the thought for the day at my meeting before work... Yes, alcohol has poisoned my life. It has physically poisoned me too. I'd drink so much while on a binge, I could feel it in my kidneys. While working in the medical field I saw people in their death throes resulting from cirrhosis. It's a ghastly sight to behold. You'd think that would be enough of a deterrent. Not for me. Shows how hard-headed I was. And reckless.

Just got back to the house from work. Had a pretty good day. Caught the tail end of the Morpheus parade on the way back, but I missed one of my faves... d'Etat. I'll leave you with a couple of pics I took on the way in today.... Goodnight!

These people do their porch

up with skeletons dressed

in various holiday themes.

You should see it on Halloween!

Don't Have a Krewe? Make Your Own!

Another night of parades! I had a blast. I got there by myself and by the beginning of the first one I had a whole group to hang with. A most unlikely bunch too... A really cool couple from Valley, AL (not too far from my old stompin' grounds), a couple of ladies from Edgard, LA, and some sorority girls who ended up being bead hogs. Everyone was nice, though, and not one person was drinking. Spent most of my time with the Valley folks. They winced every time I said "War Eagle". ;)

Best seat in the house!

Didn't have my homegroup tonight. Unfortunately the church is right smack dab in the middle of the parade route. I'll hit the Mustard Seed tomorrow. Can't wait to catch up with my peeps and see how their Mardi Gras went, though. We have a business meeting and a regular meeting next week.

Anyhow... It's another late night and I haven't even eaten dinner yet. Had a hot dog and nachos, but that was hours ago. I'll leave you with some very bad quality Blackberry video of the start of the Muses parade.

Goodnight! God Bless!

This, Too, Shall Pass

I was so looking forward to getting home after a long bus trip. Even when we arrived at the terminal, I was excited to catch a cab, get back to the apartment, and see what today brings. I was excited to be near Sarah again.

Then I got back to the apartment and wished I was back on that bus... Nothing was touched. It was like I'd never left. Like the past week had been a dream. I was alone again. I sat down and cried.

Recovery has taught me to do well on my own. But everyone gets lonely. I just thought it would take longer for that melancholy to find me. You can't hide from something that is in your heart.

So what do I do now? I guess I'll go out... see what's happening around town today. Grab some lunch. Catch a meeting. See if there's live jazz at The Columns tonight. I really don't know.

I don't regret coming home. Don't get me wrong. There are goals and priorities I have set. A future to continue to build. I'm very enthusiastic about that.

I have to remember that "This, too, shall pass." Maybe I'll have something more upbeat to post about tonight.

An Evening With the Old-Timers

I have been looking forward to this meeting for months! I absolutely love the Helen, Ga. old-timers group. I wish I could find one like it around New Orleans... not that there aren't great groups there. NOLA has an amazing AA support system.

The folks here, though, are just some of the kindest country people you could hope to meet. I told them in my share that I wished I could load them all up on a bus and take them back home with me. One lady said she'd go if she could meet Drew Brees.

There were some familiar faces from September that I was glad to see. We had a good topic too. The 10th step, anger, and how we deal with it. We all still deal with anger and resentment sometimes. The difference is that, now, I can identify my frustrations and consciously deal with them in a healthier way. And I don't get frustrated nearly as easily as I once did. That's a character defect I turned over to God.

Got to go gem mining with my dad today. It was actually his suggestion. He's been on the lookout for rubies that he can put in his rock polisher. We found him a couple. Found some other really cool gems too.

Cooked an awesome crawfish pasta casserole for dinner. Gonna try and remember how I made it so I can do it back home too.

It was a really cool day that I got to spend with my folks... And I can't wait to see my old-timers again in June!

Goodnight, all.

A Day of Reunions

Awesome day. I went to visit my good friend JW. I met him back in September when I first got up here. He and his wife are two of the greatest people in the world. He's closely involved with a lot of the recovery programs in north Georgia. Teresa introduced me to him when we were looking at different program options.

The man was instrumental in getting me started on the road to recovery. He told me that he's been praying for me since I last saw him. He also said that he could see that God had plans for me in helping others. It really means alot to hear that, and I'm very grateful to have him in my life. Hopefully I'll see them again before I leave Friday.

After the visit we went to an NA meeting that I've been to a couple of times. Some AA's aren't super-crazy about NA meetings, but I enjoy them. Got to see some folks I haven't seen in a while and met a few new ones. The topic was good. Fellowship. One person shared that by not using, they were able to be part of the fellowship of recovery. I think of it more like being part of that fellowship helps keep me from drinking. We all went out for Chinese food afterward. Had to leave dinner a bit early, though, so we could catch Dad while he was still up.

He and Teresa are winding down on the couch now, and I'm about to eat some General Tso's chicken.

I feel really blessed to have such a wonderful support system and so many friends who are there for my recovery. New and old.

Until tomorrow... Goodnight, world.

Candlelight Meetings and Championship Games

Just got back from our meeting at halftime. Bama is winning 9-0 against LSU. Sorry Bammers. My loyalty lies with the Tigers. Even if they aren't orange and blue....

The meeting was ok. It was one I've never been to. Not many of the members seemed very serious about recovery. When here, I prefer the old-fashioned country groups with all the old-timers. What did make this one stand out was that it was a candlelight meeting. Never been to one of those. I really liked that.

The topic was a very important one. Having a sponsor. I shared about the difference it's made in my life and how vital it is toward working your steps. To work an effective recovery, it's best to have an experienced person to guide you through it.

The rest of the day was great. Spent half of it with Teresa and the baby she nannies. Hung out with my dad in his shop. Watched some American Pickers. And now I'm seeing what happens with this championship game. Gonna eat some ravioli too. Geaux Tigers!

Goodnight and have a blessed day tomorrow...

Mountain Meetings and the Play-Offs

Had a great day at work. Got to catch bits and pieces of the Saints game. That's 8 in a row and it's play-off time. Woot!

Now I'm hanging back at my place. I have some research to do on the net, other than that, I'm going to relax. I have to work everyday until my vacation. Going to GA and AL Friday to visit my fam. It'll be a bittersweet trip because an important part of it will be missing this time around. But it's ok. I understand why. I can't wait to see my folks, though, and spend time with them. I plan on making every moment count! I'm also looking forward to those north Georgia mountain AA meetings. They are some of the best groups I've ever sat with. Hope they remember me... I have a LOT to share. I'll post about them while I'm up there. ;)

There's really not much more that I can write about the day except that it was awesome. Just absolutely awesome.

Well... Have a wonderful night. I hope the first day of your new year was blessed. Mine was.

Symbol of Life

For reasons that I'm not completely sure are appropriate to go into, I have to say that this has been the best day that I've seen in a very long time. I'm very grateful for it.

Work went well too. On the way in, something odd happened though. In all the time I've lived in New Orleans, I've never run across a snake. I know they're around, but I've never walked up on one in town. Outside of town is a different story. I gave the guy a little nudge to get him off the sidewalk. People tend to freak out at snakes and I didn't want it to get hurt. I'm sure there was no cosmic meaning behind the encounter, but it is interesting what Joseph Campbell wrote about their symbolism.

"The snake is the symbol of life throwing off the past and continuing to live."

I can relate to that because, in a way, that's what recovery is about. Shedding the skin of our past selves and behaviors and moving forward into a healthy, productive way of living. I'm not a great interpreter, but that's what I got from it.

Got the day off tomorrow. I'm going to a couple of meetings and I may try to make a New Year's party one of the groups is holding. It's my first Saturday off in a while, so I'm going to try and enjoy it.

Until then, friends, have a happy New Year's Eve Eve.

Service and Perfectionism

Today had it's ups and downs, but it was a good one overall. It was a very special day that I was not able to take part in, though. But... We take accountability for our actions and we learn from them. And we accept the consequences.

Work was a little more eventful than usual. We had a guy in the dumpster pulling out food. Our boss went out, confronted him and basically ran him off. I was asked to watch him until he was gone. The guy apologized and said he hadn't eaten today. There was a buttload of unopened food in the trash. Not being able to do much for him, and knowing he had to eat, I told him to grab what he could carry. Also if he was going to come back for the rest, he should do it after 6 0r 7 pm. I know it seems gross or humiliating to let someone take that stuff, but he may not have eaten otherwise.

It's sad as hell and says something about our society when a poor person thanks you for turning your head when they go through the garbage.

Then, an elderly lady that I know and like fairly well had some kind of spell out front. We couldn't tell if she was having a stroke, a blood pressure drop, or a diabetic episode. She'd gone cold and clammy, unresponsive but somewhat aware, and her pulse was weak when I checked it. Her pupils didn't dilate, which was good. About as quick as it started, she came back. Pulse was ok again, she was able to communicate... She didn't seem to remember it, so I told her she'd spaced out and wasn't talking to me, which was just rude. She chuckled and at about that time the ambulance pulled up.

I ask God to put me in situations where I can be of some kind of service to others, and today he didn't disappoint.

Got to my meeting waaaayyy early, so I stopped at the park and enjoyed the serenity. When I got to where we meet, I was asked to read the preamble. Thinking I had enough time before the meeting started, I ran down the street to pick up something to fix for dinner. I got back to my seat just in time. Trying to catch my breath, I read. I love reading and giving out chips.

The moderator was a guy I know pretty well. I always enjoy listening to him speak. His topic was perfectionism. One person shared that "great" is the enemy of "good". Eh... I can kinda see that. Another shared that perfectionism is an endless quest because it can never be attained. I liked that more. Most just shared about their close calls with drinking over the holidays. I spoke a bit. Talked about how hard they've been, but thankfully, I haven't had any problems with wanting to go back out.

Anyway... I'm off tomorrow and I have a lot to do. I will, however, sleep in a bit. Looking forward to that.

Goodnight, all.

What Would a Mature Adult Do?

I just got back in from my men's group. It was a birthday speaker meeting. This guy had alot of the same problems that I did finding recovery. He resisted, tried to do it on his own, went to meetings but never got a sponsor, didn't turn it over to God, relapsed... It's not a unique story at all. I've learned that most of the people who found success in the program had a pretty sticky time at first. That doesn't necessarily give one license to run wild with the idea that it's ok to slip and slide before getting a firm grip on sobriety. Other people suffer along the way. Our selfishness told us that we weren't responsible for that pain. I've come to discover that we very much are. Especially when we choose alcohol over the people we love. It may very well be the disease causing that horrible lapse in judgement, but at some point, enough has to be enough.

That makes me wonder how many people question my recovery. It's only natural and very fair that they would. I can tell you that I never planned to be an addict. I didn't wake up one day in grade school and say, "When I grow up, I'm going to lay on the couch drunk everyday and watch The Price is Right." I can also tell you that it would be a pretty grim and somewhat cynical assumption that I would be an active alcoholic for the rest of my life. There's no difference between that and a death sentence. I plan to have a home and a family. It's something that I have always wanted, and now it's more than just possible... It's a certainty as long as I work my program. As long as I am recovering.

The most profound thing I walked away with tonight was something our speaker said his sponsor told him. That when he was faced with a problem or conundrum to ask himself, "What would a mature adult do?" It's such a simple question, but I love it and plan to use it.

The rest of the day was business as usual. Worked most of it. Went to the park before my meeting and saw my ducks... and squirrels...and nutria... The bus driver almost knows me by name now. Really nice guy. We chat and exchange pleasantries almost everyday. He is straight up, old school New Orleanian. I'm almost going to feel guilty when I get my car. I'm sure he'll understand.

Have a wonderful night and God bless!

On my way to the men's group

Very Tired and Very Grateful

I found myself in a better mood today. With all the challenges I've faced in the past couple of days, I stuck through it and came out on top... and I'm exhausted. Proud to say that some of the recent events haven't shaken my recovery. Get used to it people. It's here to stay. ;) I thank God for that little push of strength and courage when I need it. Someone told me that God meets us where we are. He's always there. We just have to open up and let him do his thing.

Now, let's see.... Any news?.... Not really. Waiting on an email to see if our homegroup has a business meeting this week. Hanging with my sponsor Thursday. Gotta furnish this place somewhat, but I think I'll wait to get a couch until I get back from Georgia. I'm not going to put a lot of stuff in here, though. Maybe a plant, and someone is actually lending me a bed. I'll put that in the sunroom. Crazy, huh? Still got a food drive to put together. Good times, but I don't think it's interesting enough to base a movie on.

About to start watching the Saints/ Falcons game. Atlanta just won the coin toss.

There ya go. That's about it for today. Aloha and mahalo....

Goodnight.

My Aching Back

Had a blast today running from one side of New Orleans to the other. Literally. I traveled from Riverbend to the Marigny and back. But man did it pay off. Found me an awesome place on Napoleon at the last minute. The other places I looked at were... not very appealing.

Goes to show how our Higher Power works in our lives. I am truly grateful.

Wasn't able to make a meeting today because of all the chaos, but I am very much looking forward to my homegroup tomorrow night.

Well. It was a stressful day, but I maintained and kept the faith. Bout to blow up my air mattress and maybe watch The Daily Show on my computer. Oh. I didn't mention the place didn't come furnished? Something I failed to ask beforehand. Quite alright, though. As soon as I saw it, I knew I'd better grab it before someone else did.

Carpe diem, my friends.

Feeling Connected and Today's Meditation

It's been a rough week so far. I'm off the next two days, and even though I have alot to do, I'm hoping it will be easier. May even go see a movie tomorrow night.

The men's group went well. I was out front chatting before the meeting, looked around me, and realized that I was surrounded by generations of sponsors. Mine, my grand-sponsor.... and so on. That Tuesday night meeting is a great brotherhood. And here's another first. At the last second I was asked to lead us out with The Lord's Prayer. Talk about a deer in the headlights. It was an honor though.

Those little things really make ya feel connected.

Thought I'd share the meditation for the day from the 24 Hours book...

Avoid fear as you would a plague. Fear, even the smallest fear, is a hacking at the cords of faith that bind you to God. However small the fraying, in time those cords will wear thin, and then one disappointment or shock will make them snap. But for the little fears, the cords of faith would have held firm. Avoid depression, which is allied to fear. Remember that all fear is disloyalty to God. It is a denial of His care and protection.

My serenity is challenged by fear sometimes. Usually I'll say a quick prayer and focus on other things. Recovery has given me so much, and one of those things is how to deal with life as it throws me curveballs. The old Jay couldn't do that. He'd get frustrated or start blaming things on everyone... or everything around him. His pride and ego hindered his growth for so long. And that of others. Each day is a new day, with new surprises, and new challenges. Times aren't always good, but my life is so much better.

One day at a time.

Goodnight, world.

The Saddest Amends

Made amends with my biological mom tonight. This will be the only one that I openly write about.

Someone asked me what amends could I possibly need to make with her. Simply saying, "I'm sorry." or "I was wrong about something." isn't what it's all about, though. There's decades of resentment and hurt in that relationship. I followed my sponsor's advice and told her that I didn't always know where she was coming from or what was going on in her life. I then told her I was sorry that I don't see her very often... Or call very often. And I told her that I know I wasn't always the best son. I think she got uncomfortable and changed the topic.

Amends aren't about us, you see. They are for the other person. Yes, we stand to gain from them, but our benefits are purely spiritual. Someone told me how liberating this step is, but I have to say, this particular amends was sad. I'm not sure she totally understood what I was doing or saying, but I got the message across. The heartbreaking thing is, that due to her lifestyle... and our history, we'll never be close.

In brighter news... I picked my chip up at the 12 and 12. That cheered me up. We had alot of newcomers, so we did a group conscience and decided to start back on the 1st step study for them. It was a great meeting.

Well. I have to be up very early, so I'm going to head back and start winding down.

Have a good night and an awesome tomorrow!

3 Month Chips...
Now in Christmas green!

How Far Are You Willing To Go?

That was the question tonight at my homegroup.... And I was actually able to share without coughing.

For years I didn't go neeeeaaaarly far enough. I shared about my times in treatment when I thought I was recovering, but was really more interested in being a know-it-all amateur counselor or the head of my clique. I think we see a pattern of ego rather than humility there. That has been one of my biggest adversaries in the past years. Lack of humility. My self-will told me I could do it on my own... or that I was doing it on my own. I could certainly talk the talk and convince people that I was doing what I needed to be doing. Ends up that the biggest person I was fooling was myself. As a result, when it came time to visit my old friend Mr. Smirnoff, I barely gave it a second thought. I'd tell myself no. Not being in active recovery, however, it really wasn't up to me. I was in the grip of addiction. Being in recovery, though, was up to me.

So. How far am I going now? Let me tell you what I did today. I got up and walked downtown for the Mustard Seed meeting. Got there early and set up. Then I walked back uptown and wrote in this very blog. Listened to some music and did a little research. Web-surfed for a bit. Picked up some cough drops afterward and went straight to my other meeting. Talked to a girl who is in a nearby treatment facility after group was done about her first Christmas without her dad. Came here to the Rue and contacted my sponsor about hooking up Saturday morning to talk about my 8th and 9th steps. Now I'm writing again.... And I will pray tonight thanking my Higher Power for, among other things, another day sober.

I've been actively and enthusiastically going to meetings since before I came back to New Orleans. As soon as I got back here, I snagged a great sponsor. We started working the steps not long after that. Started this blog not long after getting back too. It helps me immensely and it helps others. I do service work and I volunteer. I got reconnected with God. I've changed how I go about doing things. And there's more... That's how far I gone and come. Never been neeeaaarrrly this far into it before. Yeah, there's still work to do. Life is life, and it will still suck sometimes.

There's nothing I can't deal with, however, if I keep working an honest and earnest recovery.

Goodnight, world.