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Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Line in the Sand

A little earlier today I had an exchange that I allowed to upset me. Thank God I was on my way to a meeting. That, and a talk with Teresa helped center me. I handled it well, I think, but I still allowed it to shake me. Most people are going to find it hard to get an irrational reaction from me these days. I'm not that person anymore.

The past 2 or 3 days I've been pondering what kind of person I am now, or am still becoming. I'm having to rediscover myself in some ways. I can, however, tell you some of the things that I'm learning about sober, recovering Jay. I'm going to be much more selective in who I call friend. I've always said this, but never followed it. You surround yourself by the kind of people you strive to be. If you want to be an airline pilot but only spend time with submarine captains it makes things a little complicated.

I'm done with anything that comes between me and those I love. That means things like my little toys, DVDs, TV shows, anything trivial that drew me into my own world and alienated someone who desperately wanted to be part of my life.... Those things are gone. It's ok to have things like that so long as you aren't obsessed with them. Doesn't mean I wont have DVDs or watch TV. I'm just not going to let them rule me almost as much as alcohol did. But I am done with the toys. Time to grow up.

You might say that I have re-prioritized.

I'm 38 years old. What I should be and am concentrating on right now is building a foundation to start a family and secure the future. The only thing that comes before that is my recovery. Without it, the rest is impossible.

I'll always have things I need to work on. We all do. But no more BS, no more arrogance, no more dishonesty. I'm earnestly working on ridding myself of that. It's time I draw a line in the sand and say this is where I become a man. For myself and for the ones I take care of.

.... For those of you who truly love and support me, thank you for standing on this side of the line with me.

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