Tonight was the ultimate test of my recovery. I hurt now, but if I fell, I would most certainly hurt later.
This is the hardest time of my life. Without my program and my higher power, I have no idea what I would do. I don't want to know.
There are only a few things that keep me going. Literally keep me going. Recovery, the support of my family, and working to provide a future for Sarah and me.... even if I have to do the last one by myself for now. She's healing too and I promised not to contact her again until she is ready. It may be a long time, but I'll wait. Faithfully.
As long as I'm alone here, I have some very trying times ahead. I'll have to face them by myself. There will be some things even my sponsor can't help me with. I'd like to say that I at least have friends here that will be there for me, no matter what, but I can't. It's all up to me. The person I used to hate the most. I will have to find strength in myself. Strength that will be forged from doing my steps and remaining honest. And the strength that is gained from the love I have for the person I came back to be with.
Tonight has taught me one thing. Things aren't about to get any easier. As long as I have my recovery, my folks, and the love of one certain young lady, I can tackle them one by one... One day at a time.