Friends and Family

Having gotten over drinking, we have only just begun to enjoy the benefits of A.A. We find new friends, so that we are no longer lonely. We find new relationships with our families, so that we are happy at home. We find release from our troubles and worries through a new way of looking at things. We find an outlet for our energies in helping other people. Am I enjoying these benefits of A.A.?

I have found many friends in the program! People from literally all walks of life that you would never normally find yourself stopping and shaking hands with on the street. Businessmen, doctors, celebrities... some are people who don't have a pot to piss in. But we are all united in the program and under a common goal. Saving ourselves... and each other.

My family life is so much better too. I talk to family members that I haven't talked to in years. Some family I never really talked to that I'm always glad to hear from now. Relationships with my close family are better than ever and Cupcake and I are earnestly working on things. :)

Gonna head to bed early so I can see Sarah off tomorrow. Have a great night!

Rainy Day

I love the rain and thunder. It's hell to walk through to get to work, but beautiful from the porch. Just sitting here at the apartment reading today's thought...

We can depend on those members of any group who have gone all out for the program. They come to meetings. They work with other alcoholics. We don't have to worry about their slipping. They're loyal members of the group. I'm trying to be a loyal member of the group. When I'm tempted to take a drink, I tell myself that if I did I'd be letting down the other members who are the best friends I have. Am I going to let them down, if I can help it?

Not only would I be letting them down, but myself and my loved ones. That's part of where I find my strength. Cupcake and I will be visiting them in less than a few weeks! Gonna see a LOT of family, and I can't wait. Can't wait to spend some quality time with her too. :)

Gotta get ready for work. Late night coming up...

Have a great day, everyone!

No Rest for the Weary

The way sometimes seems long and weary. So many people today are weary. The weariness of others must often be shared by me. The weary and the heavy laden, when they come to me, should be helped to find the rest that I have found. There is only one sure cure for world-weariness and that is turning to spiritual things. In order to help bring about the turning of the weary world to God, I must dare to suffer, dare to conquer selfishness in myself, and dare to be filled with spiritual peace in the face of all the weariness of the world.

Sometimes the road forward seems endless and overwhelming. I used to feel so weary and hopeless. I was really getting tired of listening to myself and putting up with my own attitude. The big difference between me and other people was that they could get away from me when my behavior became too selfish, boastful, or judgemental.

Finding some serenity with my Higher Power and the program has made me somewhat more comfortable with myself and others. It's easier to deal with other people and things that life throws everyday.

I've met so many sad, down-trodden folks in the program and on the streets. Today I feel better centered and self-aware enough to help those who come along much more effectively.

Got back late and have an early day tomorrow so I am anxious to get some rest.

Have a great night and a blessed day!

Hope and Faith

The A.A. program is one of faith, hope, and charity. It's a program of hope because when new members come into A.A., the first thing they get is hope. They hear older members tell how they had been through the same kind of hell that they have and how they found the way out through A.A. And this gives them hope that if others can do it, they can do it. Is hope still strong in me?

My hope wavers sometimes. That's when I have to step back and remember to live in the now. It can be a little overwhelming at moments trying to rebuild and redesign a life....

Sometimes things seem to be moving too slowly, or not at all. That's where patience and hard work come into practice.

What reinforces my hope and faith? Seeing how much better things work out and how much easier life is when I keep an even keel and avoid the choppy waters the best I can. Also, like the thought says, seeing firsthand how well other folks are doing by sticking with their programs, following their Higher Power, and living their lives differently.

Sure. It sounds like a lot of work... and it is. But I've found that after time, these things become second nature.

Got a couple of days off that I want to make very productive and I have to be up early, so I'm going to turn in.

Have a good night and God Bless!

Old New Orleans Groups

Got up super early and went straight to work. That went pretty smoothly. Went to my homegroup's business meeting afterward. Now that I really enjoyed. It was our regular bunch... Chatted alot beforehand. One of the ladies and I were talking about how old our group actually is and the traditions it carried. At about 50 years old, it's one of the oldest in New Orleans that is still going. If not, the oldest. I had no idea and am proud to be part of such an enduring institution.

She thought it was interesting that the group started before she started drinking. Heck I can't believe it's been around since before I was born... She also shared that in drinking, she had no interest in tradition or the program. She just wanted to party and have fun. We then discussed the evolution of drinking when I talked about it ceasing to be enjoyable and freeing, and turned into me sitting in my house alone... not answering the door. I learned alot in that brief conversation.

In other news, at our regular meeting, one of our members got her 13 year chip tonight. Two others got a 5 and a 21. Most importantly, though, a young lady got her 24 hour chip. That's one of the biggest moves you can make in recovery!

Have a great night...

Confession Through Sharing

Strength comes from honestly telling your own experiences with drinking. In religion, they call it confession. We call it witnessing or sharing. You give a personal witness, you share your past experiences, the troubles you got into, the hospitals, the jails, the break up of your home, the money wasted, the debts, and all the foolish things you did when you were drinking. This personal witness lets out the things you had kept hidden, brings them out into the open, and you find release and strength. Am I receiving strength from my personal witnessing?

That's why I share at every meeting that I can. Even if I'm telling the same story over again, it helps me. That is one of the reasons they call it a selfish program.

I was talking to someone earlier about the 5th Step. That's when you tell your life story to a second party. It could be God, it could be a priest, or it could be your sponsor. Heck. It could be a stranger on the street. I chose my sponsor... and for good reason. God already knows my life story. Your sponsor is someone that your Higher Power put here to guide you. The more they know about you (and your skeletons) the better. The more effectively they can serve you.

After the steps, sponsorship is a vital service to newcomers. That's why I don't take it lightly. That's why I didn't stampede right into sponsorship when I finished those steps. People's lives are at stake.

Well. It's very late, and I need to go to bed. Have a great night and keep the faith!

A Day of Reunions

Awesome day. I went to visit my good friend JW. I met him back in September when I first got up here. He and his wife are two of the greatest people in the world. He's closely involved with a lot of the recovery programs in north Georgia. Teresa introduced me to him when we were looking at different program options.

The man was instrumental in getting me started on the road to recovery. He told me that he's been praying for me since I last saw him. He also said that he could see that God had plans for me in helping others. It really means alot to hear that, and I'm very grateful to have him in my life. Hopefully I'll see them again before I leave Friday.

After the visit we went to an NA meeting that I've been to a couple of times. Some AA's aren't super-crazy about NA meetings, but I enjoy them. Got to see some folks I haven't seen in a while and met a few new ones. The topic was good. Fellowship. One person shared that by not using, they were able to be part of the fellowship of recovery. I think of it more like being part of that fellowship helps keep me from drinking. We all went out for Chinese food afterward. Had to leave dinner a bit early, though, so we could catch Dad while he was still up.

He and Teresa are winding down on the couch now, and I'm about to eat some General Tso's chicken.

I feel really blessed to have such a wonderful support system and so many friends who are there for my recovery. New and old.

Until tomorrow... Goodnight, world.

Food Drives and More Gratitude

Today..... Well, I worked most of it. Going back at 11 to hang out. They close late for the Christmas shoppers and there wont be a guy there, so I volunteered. We get some shady people in there at night.

"Shady people in New Orleans?!", you may ask. No way...

Meeting with my sponsor early tomorrow, then work, then a meeting. Work again Sunday and I pick up a new chip Sunday night. Busy weekend.

I talked to Second Harvest Food Bank earlier, and the food drive is a "Go". Very excited about that. The lady asked me if I had a theme for it. I was thinking about calling it, "The Other 363 Days". Emphasizing that there are people who go hungry all year. Not just the holidays. It'll be at Walgreens on Magazine St. in the month of January.

Got a lot to be grateful for, because God only knows what I'd be doing right now if I hadn't finally surrendered and started working the hell out of this program. I certainly don't want to know.

Until tomorrow, folks...

I still like British TV.

What I found on this video, after the song, was both beautiful and sad...

So I posted it.

My Recovery, My Responsibility

I got to thinking today, as I often do out walking around. That's where alot of what I write comes from. Well, today it came to me that my recovery has become so much more than just something that I need to be doing. I thought, "It's kinda become my job." That word has a bit of an arduous ring to it, so I thought about it some more. Responsibility sounded much better. A responsibility that I take with great pleasure. A way of life. I have a responsibility to myself, to those I love, and to my Higher Power to make myself the best person I can possibly be. I have a responsibility to share what I learn with people who want the same way of life. And I have a responsibility to help any person who is less fortunate in any way I can. There you must find a balance. Recovery... Because without it I am no good to anyone. Family... Caring for and protecting the people who mean something in my life. Service... Comes from the heart and the fact that people have been of service to me. These are things that I take very seriously and get great joy from. I really am blessed.

The speaker at our group tonight was great. First of all, it was just really nice hearing a female perspective. I'd say we get guys about three quarters of the time. That's by no means a bad thing, it was just refreshing.

She was an older lady who took us around the world with her story. Some of it was happy and some was heart-wrenching. She had a glow about her, though, that told you she was happy and thankful for each of her 23 years sober. When I shared, I thanked her for such a wonderful account. I told her that her youthful enthusiasm was an enormous re-enforcement of just how well the program works. It almost reminded me of a child telling you about their favorite thing. (Didn't share that part...) I walked away with quite a bit.

The night's winding down, I'm here at the Rue with my coffee, and I think I'm about to go over to Netflix and watch an ep of The Walking Dead. Good show.

Goodnight, all.

Working a Strong Program

I'd like to delve a bit more into the holidays, but before that I have a couple of other things.

The first being a talk I had this evening with my boss. He's known about my problem for a little while now and had some questions about it. One was about meetings because I had mentioned that they were a necessity to my recovery. He asked if not going to meetings would make me want to drink. I told him not directly. That missing one meeting led to missing two and then three and so forth. Without meetings we fall back into our old behaviors and eventually we do become at risk. He understood the importance then, and I believe will work with me more (not that he hasn't by any means) on scheduling around my home group. I've been getting pretty active there. We discussed spirituality and how vital it is not just in life, but in the program. He's aware of my prior standings on God and religion, but I explained to him that once I opened up, I could feel a real presence working in my recovery. I always thought something like that would manifest itself with a big bang. Some sudden, overwhelming sense of euphoria. It's actually been quite subtle so far.

Another thing I wanted to share is how I'm sticking to my recovery. I was thinking about this earlier because of the approaching holidays. As I said before, my meetings are a necessity. They keep me centered and the fellowship reminds me that I am not alone. I've run into two people I know from the Mustard Seed today. We stopped and exchanged hellos. It's amazing because that fellowship is present even when walking to work or just shopping for groceries. Getting back to my meetings, though, I find that I look forward to them and will now go out of my way to make sure that I can get to at least one a day. Two when my schedule permits. The serenity and the structure are vital in my sobriety.

The Twelve Steps and sponsorship go hand in hand. My sponsor is leading me through the steps now and we meet quite often. He is also there for support, advice, and even friendship. Without a sponsor you can't effectively work your program. They are a key ingredient. I talk to mine once a day and usually meet twice a week. I get alot from what he has to share with me and the reading he suggests.

There is also prayer, service work, and journaling to name only a few more things. It's reinforcement and it's all worked very well for me. I feel that I've got a strong program going and am very enthusiastic in maintaining it.

Now the holidays. I'll still be rigorously working my recovery every single day. Rest assured that there will be no desire to go out. I know that is a huge concern for alcoholics spending the holidays alone. I'll have various program functions to attend as well. I'm also quite aware that my spending this time alone is of my own doing and I accept full accountability for that....

On the bright side, Hoshun Restaurant will be open on Thanksgiving. Woohoo!

Iron It Out a Little

I could've drank tonight, but I didn't. I could have walked 3 blocks down, gotten blasted, and gone home with some total stranger. Just for 4 or 5 hours of meaningless comfort, and no one would have been the wiser. I chose not to. That's not who I am now. I suffered tonight. I took a big hit. Tomorrow, though, I will get up, go to work, and push forward. I will let nothing sway me and nothing will cause me to falter in my program. But it's not going to be easy.

Tonight was the ultimate test of my recovery. I hurt now, but if I fell, I would most certainly hurt later.

This is the hardest time of my life. Without my program and my higher power, I have no idea what I would do. I don't want to know.

There are only a few things that keep me going. Literally keep me going. Recovery, the support of my family, and working to provide a future for Sarah and me.... even if I have to do the last one by myself for now. She's healing too and I promised not to contact her again until she is ready. It may be a long time, but I'll wait. Faithfully.

As long as I'm alone here, I have some very trying times ahead. I'll have to face them by myself. There will be some things even my sponsor can't help me with. I'd like to say that I at least have friends here that will be there for me, no matter what, but I can't. It's all up to me. The person I used to hate the most. I will have to find strength in myself. Strength that will be forged from doing my steps and remaining honest. And the strength that is gained from the love I have for the person I came back to be with.

Tonight has taught me one thing. Things aren't about to get any easier. As long as I have my recovery, my folks, and the love of one certain young lady, I can tackle them one by one... One day at a time.

The Disease of Addiction

Teresa sent me this earlier today. It's an essay by an unknown person. For anyone who doesn't understand the disease of alcoholism or wants to understand it more, these words sum it up very well.

Unfortunately I have had a very emotional night, so I will need some time to wrap my head around things. Meeting with my sponsor tomorrow and going to a meeting. Staying on top of my recovery, just have other stuff going on too.

I'm Your Disease.... I hate meetings. I hate HIGHER POWER. I hate anyone who has a program. TO ALL WHO COME IN CONTACT WITH ME, I WISH YOU SUFFERING.

Allow me to introduce myself. I AM THE DISEASE OF ADDITION: CUNNING, BAFFLING, and POWERFUL, that's me. I have killed millions, and I am pleased. I love to catch you with the element of suprise, I love pretending I am your friend and lover. I have iven you comfort, have I not? Wasn't I there when you were lonely? When you wanted ti die, didn't you call me? I was there. I LOVE TO MAKE YOU HURT. I LOVE TO MAKE YOU CRY. BETTER YET, I LOVE WHEN I MAKE YOU SO NUMB YOU CAN NEITHER HURT NOR CRY. You can't feel anything at all. This is true glory. I will give you instant gratification and all I ask of you is long-term suffering. I've been there for you always. When things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said you didn't deserve these good things; I was the only one who would agree with you. Together we were able to destroy all things good in your life.

People don't take me seriously. They take strokes seriously, heart attacks seriously, even diabetes they take seriously. Fools that they are, they don't know that without my help these things would not be so possible in your life.

More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a twelve step program. Your program, your meetings, your higher power all weaken me and I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to.

Now I must lie here quietly. You don't see me, but I am growing bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live, I only exist.

Quitting Smoking and Buckwheat Zydeco

I totally forgot to write about the concert last night.

Well. Alot of things surfaced at once so I didn't really get to pay a lot of attention. As much as I had looked forward to it, it wasn't my top priority. I did find myself tapping my toe a few times. It was a great performance. Second Harvest's concerts will begin again next year. Looking forward to it.

The meeting was very small today. Four people showed (probably due to the weather). It was only about 15 minutes long, but I did enjoy it and walked away with something. We talked about working our hardest throughout the day and being satisfied with the results. This translates well to AA. When we work our programs and never waver, the results are nothing short of miraculous. I'm enthusiastic and excited at the progress that I've made so far... and not by myself. Still more progress to come, though, and sometimes it wont be easy.

Quit smoking today. Going to try my best to stick to it. Not just for my own health, but because I made a promise to someone. I plan to start making good on all those promises. I wont stink anymore either. I will be hug accessible 24/7. ;) This is harder than the last time I quit (for a little while). Sticking to it though. I haven't caved yet. Work tonight will be the real test. I know the craving subsides after a while.

Altoids and Trident are about to see a significant bump in sales.....

Will write more tonight, but it will probably post pretty late.