Her topic today was a bit split. Dealing with the upcoming holiday season and going back and forth from the program until you actually get it. As far as the holidays, I mentioned that I may very well be by myself and I'm responsible for that. Not something to drink over though. I was, however, anxious to share because the "going back and forth" part has been something I'd dealt with over the past several years. Certain tendencies and attitudes coupled with complacency invariably led me from any recovery I may have been trying to start. And that led to drinking. I've talked about the symptoms of a dry drunk in a previous post. One was "less participation in a 12 step program, or dropping out altogether". That was me. Hello. I'm Jay and I'm an alcoholic.
I told everyone that I didn't want to use words like "changed" or "get it now" because I've used those words so many times before. I'm doing my recovery differently than my half-assed attempts in the past and it's working. You could say that I AM actually working my recovery. I'm following the guidelines that are set out by the program and have become a much better person for it.
So what are things that I've noticed about myself lately? I'm more direct with people, but in a healthy way. I no longer obsess with trivial things to escape reality. I make more conscious decisions before reacting in certain situations. And I have a clearer path in planning for the future. Those are just a few that stand out.
Still not perfect. Still have a lot of work in all aspects of my life... but who doesn't. I'm thankful for today and looking forward to all the great things the future will bring. And I'm sick of ramen noodles. I'm going to New Orleans Hamburgers and Seafood for lunch tomorrow, dammit. ;)
I lit a candle for someone before I left today.