The Best Singer in the World

Self-image sets the boundaries of individual accomplishment. —Maxwell Maltz

The way we think about ourselves determines how we behave and who we become. If Eileen believes she is good at baseball, she will swing the bat more confidently and catch fly balls more easily. And her extra effort will generally pay off. At math, Steve thinks he's a whiz and it makes him proud. He studies so he'll continue to be a whiz.

The image we have of ourselves is like the blueprint the contractor follows when building a house. When we see ourselves sad or angry, our behavior and personality will match it. When we see ourselves withdrawn and afraid, we seem to avoid activities that involve others. How wonderful that we can change our behavior and thus ourselves by changing the picture we carry in our minds.

Yeeeeaaahhhh.... Well.... I may have to not totally agree on some of that. I grew up thinking I was a really good singer. Never practiced... Didn't need to. Never improved as a result. Thing is, though, all the practice in the world wouldn't have helped. I'm a terrible singer (except in the shower).

I get what the message is trying to convey, however. Kinda difficult becoming that stable, honest, family man an alcoholic may endeavor to be when his head is stuck in a bottle.

Just watching Longmire on the idiot's lantern then headed to bed. Cupcake made an awesome dump cake earlier... nothing much new. Except for my brilliant shower rendition of Hey Jude I treated my neighbors to after work.

Everything Must Go

Just saw the Will Ferrell movie Everything Must Go and while at one time living outside with nothing but a recliner, a George Foreman grill, and a buttload of Pabst Blue Ribbon may have appealed to me, it makes finding a company with a good 401k plan rather more difficult than it is now.

Ferrell is an alcoholic who loses his high paying job after a series of drunken incidents. Upon his arrival home, he sees that all his stuff is on the lawn and all the locks are changed on the house. This triggers a 3 day binge while living in his front yard.

I could identify with the character. The desperation he felt when he couldn't buy alcohol... the relief he felt when he could. The unrealistic thinking. Disregard for consequences. Detoxing. Buying a little time and squandering it all on the pursuit for booze.

Didn't see much about AA except for the occasional reference to months or sponsor, but that may have been more out of respect for the program and its policy of non-promotion.

Been a great, rainy day. Work went well. Got to watch a relevant... and sometimes funny... movie with Cupcake.

Think I'll go ahead and get ready to turn in. Goodnight all!

Rainy Day

I love the rain and thunder. It's hell to walk through to get to work, but beautiful from the porch. Just sitting here at the apartment reading today's thought...

We can depend on those members of any group who have gone all out for the program. They come to meetings. They work with other alcoholics. We don't have to worry about their slipping. They're loyal members of the group. I'm trying to be a loyal member of the group. When I'm tempted to take a drink, I tell myself that if I did I'd be letting down the other members who are the best friends I have. Am I going to let them down, if I can help it?

Not only would I be letting them down, but myself and my loved ones. That's part of where I find my strength. Cupcake and I will be visiting them in less than a few weeks! Gonna see a LOT of family, and I can't wait. Can't wait to spend some quality time with her too. :)

Gotta get ready for work. Late night coming up...

Have a great day, everyone!

Business and Acceptance

I really enjoyed my homegroup's business meeting this evening. Folks are getting to know me better, I'm getting more comfortable, and getting more active.

After that we had our regular meeting. The moderator's topic was acceptance. I shared that acceptance for me was realizing things like I can never drink again, that I'm an alcoholic, knowing I'd have to make some serious life changes... and being ok with all of that. The very first of the 12 steps is all about acceptance. Accepting and admitting the fact that we're powerless.

It's been a lovely, full day and I'm grateful. Here's today's meditation.

Be calm, be true, be quiet. Do not get emotionally upset by anything that happens around you. Feel a deep, inner security in the goodness and purpose in the universe. Be true to your highest ideals. Do not let yourself slip back into the old ways of reacting. Stick to your spiritual guns. Be calm always. Do not talk back or defend yourself too much against accusation, whether false or true. Accept abuse as well as you accept praise. Only God can judge the real you.

Words to live by! I absolutely love it. Have a great night and God Bless!

All Things New, Pt. 5: My Glory to His Glory (Cornerstone Sermon Podcast 03-25-12)

In the process of listening to the latest sermon from my favorite church. Thought I'd go ahead and post the link. :)

It's been a very busy day. Going to have to go to bed early. I hope everyone has a great night and God Bless! Here's the daily thought from Hazelden...

Strength comes also from working with other alcoholics. When you are trying to help a new prospect with the program, you are building up your own strength at the same time. You see the other person in the condition you might be in yourself and it makes your resolve to stay sober stronger than ever. Often, you help yourself more than the other person, but if you do succeed in helping the prospect to get sober, you are stronger from the experience of having helped another person. Am I receiving strength from working with others?

6 Months Old

Wow. Doesn't feel like it's been that long. How did I do it? Well... The thought for the day just about sums it up.

When we alcoholics first come into A.A. and we face the fact that we must spend the rest of our life without liquor, it often seems like an impossibility to us. So A.A. tells us to forget about the future and take it one day at a time. All we really have is now. We have no past time and no future time. As the saying goes: "Yesterday is gone, forget it; tomorrow never comes, don't worry; today is here, get busy." All we have is the present. The past is gone forever and the future never comes. When tomorrow gets here, it will be today. Am I living one day at a time?

We can't live our lives stressed about the future or a possible outcome that may never be. We can't live our lives haunted by a past we can't change. We can only learn from it.

I have today. With God's help I know I wont drink. I know that I can maintain my serenity and complete the tasks at hand. I know that I'm a more effective, more productive person.

I've done alot in these 6 months. Made my quality of life much better, did 12 life-changing steps, and have mended some relationships that I had neglected before.

I thank God and the folks who stood behind me for making it possible.

Have a great night, world!

Much love. -Jay

The Ugly Duckling

"I never dreamed of so much happiness when I was the ugly duckling."

—Hans Christian Andersen

The ugly duckling was not really ugly at all, he was just different. The other ducks teased and pecked and even bit him until the ugly duckling flew away. He wandered around for a year, and was treated as an outcast everywhere. In the spring, he saw a group of swans on a lake, and wanted very much to join them. As he swam out toward them, he was astounded to notice his reflection in the water--he was a swan! The other swans welcomed him warmly, and found him to be beautiful.

Most of us go through times when we feel different from those around us. These are painful and lonely times, but it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us. Like the ugly duckling, we will come into a time when we will be loved. All the pain and loneliness we have felt will help us fully appreciate the acceptance when we find it.

How can I treasure the ways I am different from others today?

Growing up in Alexander City, Al. I always knew I was different. Different isn't really accepted there. When I was younger, the more different I felt, the more I tried to fit in. There finally came a day when I decided that if I was going to be an outsider... I was really going to be an outsider.

I considered my behavior eccentric. Most considered it erratic. That mode of thinking diminished a bit when I started working for a camp run by Easter Seals. Not only did I work with people from all over the country, but from all over the world. I found that I got on better with people from other states and with the internationals. I'd found some level of acceptance.

So I was happier with my life. Why did I become an alcoholic? Well. The behaviors that I developed over many years had already put me on a straight track for that. Alcoholism would rear its ugly head soon enough.

When my friend Cheese and my brother pulled a U-Haul up into my dad's yard getting ready to move to Atlanta, they asked if I wanted to come with them. That was my "Now or Never" moment. Of course I said, "Hell yeah!"

I got there, found a job, was married not too long after that. Moved to Nashville. Got a divorce. Moved to Anchorage. Found my niche as a true party-boy. Using Alaska as a home base, I traveled quite a bit. Solidified my role as a true addict. Moved to Maui and became a beach bum for about seven months. Fun, but not necessarily proud of it. Then here to New Orleans where I decided I would finally try and settle down. It's been a serious, rough transition, and I failed quite a few times.

I rode alot of coattails to do what I did. But not always. I have, however, taken advantage of A LOT OF PEOPLE in my life for my own selfish pursuits.

So there ya go. I was an ugly duckling in a mud puddle. It took me crossing the street to find the lake. It's been a long, hard, glorious road. I'd be lying (even in my sobriety) if I said I regretted all of it.

My thought, tonight, is that I hope you are feeling like the swan. No matter what you had to go through to get there.

Sleep well and have a blessed day tomorrow.

This guy is actually pretty cute!

The Divine Spark

The elimination of selfishness is the key to happiness and can only be accomplished with God's help. We start out with a spark of the Divine Spirit but a large amount of selfishness. As we grow and come in contact with other people, we can take one of two paths. We can become more and more selfish and practically extinguish the Divine Spark within us, or we can become more unselfish and develop our spirituality until it becomes the most important thing in our lives.

So at what point in my life did the Divine Spark begin to diminish? It was well before my career as an alcoholic, I can promise you. The more I think about it, the more I believe that there is a good possibility that I've always been a bit of a brat. Somewhere in my young life, I developed a very unhealthy sense of entitlement.

It's a hard mentality to overcome, but rediscovering my Higher Power, working the steps, and a little growing up is helping to defeat that character flaw.

I'm grateful for today's meditation. It's given me something to reflect on.

The day went well. Work was fine. Just getting ready for a busy week. I hope everyone had a great day too. Going to leave you with a vid I made back in.... October I think. It's from the Crescent City Blues and BBQ Festival. What a wonderful time that was! Thought I'd share something fun.

Goodnight!

An Automatic Pay Raise

I had a really good day today. It was nice out too. I hope it's the same for the next couple of days. I have those off.

Was just reading the Thought for the Day in the 24 Hours book. I can remember only too well the duress my blowing money in bars and liquor stores put on me and my loved ones. What was it for? A few hours of feeling better about things and hiding from feelings? The selfishness of that is mind-boggling. Hiding was a very expensive habit. And thinking about what that money could have been better spent on makes me cringe.

I not only paid in money, though. I paid for addiction in pain, relationships, fear, anxiety, and failure. So when folks in the program say that you get an automatic pay raise, they mean it in other ways too.

Actually being there for the ones you love, not living in fear of being found out about something, waking in the morning without feeling like you are going to die, ...having a bright future ahead... Those things are priceless.

What a load wasting money puts on your shoulders! They say that members of A.A. have paid the highest initiation fee of any club members in the world, because we've wasted so much money on liquor. We'll never be able to figure out how much it was. We not only wasted our own money, but also the money we should have spent on our families. When you come into A.A., that terrible load of wasted money falls off your shoulders. We alcoholics were getting round-shouldered from carrying all those loads that drinking put on our shoulders. But when we come into A.A., we get a wonderful feeling of release and freedom. Can I throw back my shoulders and look the whole world in the face again?

Goodnight, my friends.

The Blahs and Blogging

Kinda started feeling down again. I don't know if it's the loneliness, feeling a little overwhelmed, or being in a tight money spot right now. Probably all of it. It just means that I need to be plugging away harder and putting my nose closer to the grindstone. And there are people there if I need to talk. I couldn't be more grateful for them. I don't know what condition of sanity I would be in right now without my support system. Teresa and I speak everyday, so I have to give her a gigantic thank you for listening to all my moaning over the past months.

And moaning helps sometimes. As long as you don't cross the line to self-pity and "being a victim". That's a true characterization of many alcoholics. Messing everyone else's lives up and then saying, "Woe is me..."

What is something positive I can do right now to feel better? I'm writing in my blog. That's a big one. I need to clean. That refocuses me into better thinking. I'd call someone or call my sponsor if I felt like I needed a good chat. I may read in bed later too. That one just came to me.

So what do we do when our foot is stuck in the mud? We pull it out or we sink up to our knee. ;)

Goodnight, World!

Peace, Love, and Jay

Whew. I'm not going to say much about today except that it is almost over. Thank God.

I love Christmas, but this one was the biggest challenge to my recovery yet. I stayed strong and pushed through it, though. I think it was obvious to anyone within 50 yards that I wasn't the happiest elf in the workshop. I owned my feelings, however, and tried to make it as pleasant for everyone around me as possible. Didn't drink. Talked to my sponsor. Called my family... Even my bio-mom. Knowing that a conversation with her wouldn't be very productive, I still wanted to wish her a Merry Christmas. She didn't disappoint. The first thing she tells me regarding her holiday is about the laxative she took this morning.

Funny thing... We had some musical lights playing near where I was working. I thought to myself, "Well. Now is a good time to unplug them since we wont need them tomorrow." I walked over to them, and I couldn't bring myself to turn them off. I suppose there is still a small part of me that hates to see Christmas go.

To be quite honest, all I looked forward to today was finding the quiet serenity of my new apartment. Here's the Thought for the Day from 24 Hours...

Many alcoholics will be saying today: "This is a good Christmas for me." They will be looking back over past Christmases, which were not like this one. They will be thanking God for their sobriety and their newfound life. They will be thinking about how their lives were changed when they came into A.A. They will be thinking that perhaps God let them live through all the hazards of their drinking careers, when they were perhaps often close to death, in order that they might be used by Him in the great work of A.A. Is this a happy Christmas for me?

I'm happy that I've lived another sober day on this earth. I'm happy in my recovery. And I am eternally grateful to God for everything. But, no. This wasn't a happy Christmas. Ya know what, though. Maybe not all of them will be great, and that's ok. :)

On a brighter note... I certainly hope you and your's had a spectacular holiday. I very much look forward to next year's.

I wish everyone Peace, Love, and Joy! Joyeux Noel!

The Lost Mother

Mom and her horse "Rita"

As a child, my mother suffered much worse things than I ever did. Physical and sexual abuse from her alcoholic father. My grandfather. I wasn't there of course, but from what she's told me over the years, I'd bet mental illness as well. Who wouldn't with a childhood like that. Her mother died when she was very young. I never met the lady, but I hear she was good. She had left my grandfather while my mom was a kid.

Mom never really grew up. Had me and married my dad at a very early age. 16 or 17 I think. She considered herself a hippie. What she actually was, was much different. Buck-wild with no identity. A child who was indifferent to everyone's needs except for her own instant gratification. She ran around on my dad frequently and often brought me with her. After she left, and my dad divorced her, she disappeared for a few years. We'd see her from time to time. As a child, that primal instinct to be with my mother kicked in when I saw her. It hurt that she didn't seem to have much time to even say "Hi".

The day came when my dad walked into my room and said that she wanted to see me. I don't remember how old I was. It was a Sunday and it was my birthday (or close to it). I must've gone silent, because my dad told me I didn't have to go if I didn't want to. I tend to abruptly go silent if something isn't sitting well. I said I would, though. She picked me up and took me to my aunt's lakehouse. Gave me a couple of toys and we called it a day. For quite a few years (and husbands) after that, that was pretty much the routine. Going out to eat, getting guilt gifts, spending a weekend here and there.....

These years brought alot of disappointment and grief as well. She'd say she was coming, not show up, and I'd be crushed. She spent an amazing amount of time partying. She drank and did alot of drugs. Never right in front of me mind you, but looking back on different occasions, certain things make a whole lot of sense. As a child and early teen, I never really knew why we'd go right to some stranger's house after picking me up... with me sitting alone in the car for an hour or two. There were quite a few shady things that went on, that in my later years I realized were starting to fall into place. She'd been involved in numerous illegal activities and been through many unhealthy relationships. Some of the relationships were potentially healthy, however, and those were the shortest lived.

Today, her past has caught up with her. She's become a sad recluse. Most folks wouldn't even recognize her. She's still delusional in a lot of ways. Still an active addict. Lives in a rundown house in central Alabama. I call her from time to time to see how she's doing. She loves to give me advice. She's always saying she wants grandkids (not sure that I'd let her see them when that time comes). One of the things that gets me most, though, is that she expects me to take care of her when she's old. I don't like talking to my mom, and when the subject goes to that... well... let's just say that my serenity starts slipping away. I'll do my best to make sure that she is ok, but I have my own life and future family in which to devote everything I have to give. To make damn sure that my children never experience what I had to. Or she had to.

Doing Things Differently... and Ramen Noodles

Wow. So glad I made it to the meeting on time. It was a nice little crowd. The older lady who moderates often was there too. She's a gentle soul who just emanates kindness. I always feel right at home when I see her and hear what she has to say.

Her topic today was a bit split. Dealing with the upcoming holiday season and going back and forth from the program until you actually get it. As far as the holidays, I mentioned that I may very well be by myself and I'm responsible for that. Not something to drink over though. I was, however, anxious to share because the "going back and forth" part has been something I'd dealt with over the past several years. Certain tendencies and attitudes coupled with complacency invariably led me from any recovery I may have been trying to start. And that led to drinking. I've talked about the symptoms of a dry drunk in a previous post. One was "less participation in a 12 step program, or dropping out altogether". That was me. Hello. I'm Jay and I'm an alcoholic.

I told everyone that I didn't want to use words like "changed" or "get it now" because I've used those words so many times before. I'm doing my recovery differently than my half-assed attempts in the past and it's working. You could say that I AM actually working my recovery. I'm following the guidelines that are set out by the program and have become a much better person for it.

So what are things that I've noticed about myself lately? I'm more direct with people, but in a healthy way. I no longer obsess with trivial things to escape reality. I make more conscious decisions before reacting in certain situations. And I have a clearer path in planning for the future. Those are just a few that stand out.

Still not perfect. Still have a lot of work in all aspects of my life... but who doesn't. I'm thankful for today and looking forward to all the great things the future will bring. And I'm sick of ramen noodles. I'm going to New Orleans Hamburgers and Seafood for lunch tomorrow, dammit. ;)

I lit a candle for someone before I left today.