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Thursday, October 27, 2011

A Dark Day

Here's a pic of Sophie I had on my phone.
I used to send Sarah pictures when she was away.

It was indeed a dark day. A day that I'd feared for Sarah for a long time. Her cat, Sophie, passed away. Some may be saying, "Well. It's sad, but it was just a cat." Sophie was so much more to Sarah, though. She was her pride and joy. A source of comfort... and one of the last things she had left from her grandmother.

Sophie was very old and spent most of her days lying by a window in the sunlight. She craved affection and liked to play in her own limited way. She was also a sickly cat. She had heart problems, diabetes, was so big and frail she had to be picked up to be put on the bed, she had external tumors, and in the end they'd found a couple of massive internal ones. I used to gripe about how expensive Sarah's cats were to take care of. Didn't show them the attention they needed either. Only now in my recovery do I look back and say to myself, "She loves those cats like she would her children. I should have too." I was a sick person who couldn't even show myself the love I should've shown them.

I was sad to see Sophie go. I held her in my arms as the vet gave her the euthanizing injections. It was one thing I could do for her and her momma. Sarah is away on business and couldn't be there. That made it twice as hard. Sarah did have the vet put the phone to her ear. Sophie recognized her immediately and gave a sad meow. I couldn't hold it together and broke down. On the verge of that now actually. It was heartbreaking seeing her go, but I'm an emotional train wreck because I know that Sarah is devastated. She wont let me be there for her. Well. I am there for her 24/7. For anything she needs. I guess I mean she wont let me in. It hurts me that she hurts. All I want to do is hold her and make it better.

That's where I am today.

I haven't drank over it and will not. Going to be a big evening of recovery that I seriously need right now. I have a business meeting at 6 followed by a regular meeting. My sponsor wants to check out my home group, so he's going to meet me there and then we'll hang out afterward. Looking forward to it.

Goodbye, Sophie Monster. You're with Sarah's grandma now.

Addition- 10-28-11

Alot of people have already read this, so I feel that it would be useless to go back and edit it.

My friend William called me on something today. And I would to thank him for that. He told me that, in this post, I was painting myself as a hero. I think he is right. I can assure you, dear reader, that I am by no means a hero. Far from it. And I wasn't the hero I should have been in Sarah's or Sophie's life. I'd like the chance to be, but that isn't what this note is about.

William and his sister Katie were there at the clinic, you see. William's actually the one who took Sophie and paid for it. My presence, even though it was for Sarah and Sophie, was marginal and I certainly didn't deserve to hold her while they put her down.

I'm not disputing everything that I wrote before. I just worded certain things wrong and possibly didn't include all the necessary facts. Whether I did it consciously or not, I think William has a very good point and I would like to apologize.

The blog may very well be about me and my recovery, but I can't get so caught up writing about myself on these pages that I forget those around me.

Thanks again, William :)

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