We Do What We Must

Today's Thought

We must go to A.A. meetings regularly. We must learn to think differently. We must change from alcoholic thinking to sober thinking. We must reeducate our minds. We must try to help other alcoholics. We must cooperate with God by spending at least as much time and energy on the A.A. program as we did on drinking. We must follow the A.A. program to the best of our ability. Have I turned my alcoholic problem over to God and am I cooperating with Him?

I've been running non-stop since 6am. Pretty exhausted, but fulfilled. It's been an excellent day. Had a good meeting at my homegroup to top it all off. Meetings are but one of my "musts" to stay successful in recovery. Without the re-enforcement and fellowship I'd be in real danger of slipping back into my old ways of thinking.

Surrender is a must too. From the first step, I had to put my self-will and ego aside and say, "Ya know what God. I can't do this alone. I need your help." Since then, I've felt him actively working in my life.

Well. I have to go to bed soon, so I'm going to grab a shower and prepare to settle in. It'll be another 6am wake up call in the morning.

Have a wonderful night and a blessed day tomorrow!

Laissez les Bon Temps Rouler!

1 day down and a week and a half to go! I am, of course, talking about Mardi Gras. I love going to the parades, but that's about it. Maybe I'd feel a little different if the situation were a bit different. But that's my fault.

Work was gruesome. I just want to shower, maybe watch a little American Pickers, then go to bed. I have to be up kinda early to meet with my sponsor about step 10... Then deal with the crowd again. I maintain my serenity, though. Smile. Be nice. Be professional. It can be a challenge, however.

I think I have commuting worked out. That's a good thing.

Anyways... I'm going to go ahead and sign off.

Goodnight, all!

You Can't Hoe a Straight Line Looking Backward

Had to scoot from work to my 12 & 12 study. I was only about 10 minutes late. As some say, "You can get here late, but don't leave early." I used to arrive late and leave early.

We talked about the 9th step tonight. Absolutely perfect, considering I still have some amends left. I shared about the ones I've made so far, the ones I have yet to make, and the couple that I can't make in order to avoid hurting other people. I also talked about the selfishness of procrastination. The discussion was a really good re-enforcement.

Work went well. And quick. Which is a plus. I'll continue to look online tonight for more career-oriented opportunities though. I'd talked to my manager a while back about developing me, but he seems to like me where I am,. I do have to admit, however, that before everything had blown up in September, I did manage to climb one rung up the ladder. I think we all know how I sabotaged that.

The future is in front of me, and lamenting the past gets one nowhere. We can only learn from it and carry that knowledge forward. Someone told me, "You can't hoe a straight line looking backward."

In honor of Martin Luther King Day, I thought I'd post his I Have a Dream speech. Still very relevant. I have to wonder what he'd say about the current state of the world and the progress we've made since August 28th, 1963.

Goodnight and have a blessed day tomorrow!

Ghosts of Christmas Future

We have a regular who comes into where I work. He's a decent enough guy. Very heavy drinker, though. Scares the hell out of the tourists, but folks on Magazine St. know him and take care of him. He was hanging around outside our doors today and could barely stand up. I guess he'd been at it all night and well into the day. A lady I work with and I helped him down the street to where he stays.

He scares the hell out of me too. I don't judge him at all. It's not my place and I don't know his story. When I look at him, however, I see a future me that could have happened. I see that in every drunk street guy or homeless person living under an overpass. I could say that I'm damned lucky that it never came to that, but "blessed" is more accurate. The future me I prefer is that guy I see standing with his family at church, or putting together a swingset in his back yard, or taking his wife out to dinner for their anniversary...

That's the kind of guy I am and I thank God for it. And my program.

Those are our nieces. Great girls!
God willing, one day this pic will have
our kids in it.

This is not me.
But it's a sobering reminder
of what does happen
to some unfortunate people with the disease.

On a brighter note, I get a new chip tomorrow! And I have begun Step 9! Time to make amends....

Goodnight, all.

On to Step 8

Can't write much... The coffee shops are packed and my laptop is running out of juice. I wanted to share about the first part of my day, though.

I decided to do Step 7 during the confessional prayer at church today. It was an awesome, cleansing experience. I turned all my defects of character over to God. It was an earnest and heartfelt prayer. Doesn't mean that they are all automatically erased. Faith takes action. I meet with my sponsor this week to start the next steps in my recovery... 8 and 9.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

and

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I already have a list from step 4, I just need to add some names to it. This is going to be interesting to say the least. Some folks will be glad to hear from me, some may tell me to go to hell. Either way, I eagerly anticipate the opportunity to make right the wrongs I've committed over the years. Not only for me, but for those I've hurt. It may give some of them peace too.

Enjoyed the service immensely. We had a guest rabbi deliver the sermon. It's an episcopal church, but it partners with a synagogue down the street. He was a spectacular speaker and I hope to hear more from him.

Wont be able to make a meeting tonight... Gotta work til 10:30. About to have to go in actually. Going to grab a sandwich first.

Sorry if the post is a bit scattered. I'll write more later tonight when I can sit down and tie some coherent thoughts together, LOL.

Have a great day and Go Saints!

One Day at a Time

Busy busy busy today. Just took a time out for lunch. Been making my way around doing some job hunting before work. Would like a better full-time job, but will also take a second part-time gig to supplement my current income (for now). It's not as hard as it sounds. I'm confident that if I keep my nose to the grindstone, I'll be in a very good spot soon.

I have Wed. and Thurs. off this week, so I'm already working on a list of goals. I'll make a couple of meetings on each of those days... oh.... and I finish my 5th step Wed. night.... Gotta call Second Harvest. After the first of the year I'm doing a food drive for them where I work. Just have to round up some banners and containers.

I'm getting ahead of myself, though. One day at a time.

Well, there ya go. Just a quick post. Nothing mind-blowing so far today. Except that I'm alive and sober. That's a gift right there, and I am eternally grateful for it.

I get off late, but I'll write more tonight.

My Favorite Step(s)

Sitting at CC's Coffee (temporary phone in pocket). The Round Table was wonderful. Just what I needed tonight. Got to hang with some of my fellow members beforehand. They were glad to see me and I was them. We had several people pick up 20+ year chips. Shows the program works if ya work it.

The moderator was an older lady who has been sober since 1986. It was an enlightening experience listening to what she had to say. She then opened the topic and started calling on people... me included. Was hoping she would. She asked what our favorite step was. When it came to me, I shared that I am still doing stepwork, but so far the first was a favorite.

We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that

our lives had become unmanageable.

One reason I like this step is that you can't work an effective program until you do that. I'd known that I was powerless over it intellectually, but it wasn't until I worked the step that I really understood and comprehended the grip it had me in. That was crucial before I could go any further. Step 3 jumped out at me too.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives

over to the care of God as we understood him.

That's a scary step for some. The notion scared the hell out of me at one time. Ego and skepticism told me that I could do it on my own. And that's why I always failed. Since my spiritual awakening, though, I can feel him working in my life. Doubt... shame... arrogance... self-centeredness aren't things that plague me everyday anymore. They still try to pop up from time to time, but now I know better how to deal with them. It's freed me to work an effective recovery and be the person I need to be for the ones I love and the one I love.

I also shared that it seems like picking a favorite step is like picking a favorite child. They're all equally important.

I think, for me, my favorite step will always be the one I need most at that moment.

10 Things I'm Powerless Over in Alcohol

This one is going to be a downer. It will sound like a pity party (and perhaps it will be). Any active users out there can take it as a cautionary piece, though. So I'll print it.

I met with my sponsor after work. Showed him my list of things I felt powerless over in active alcoholism. I decided to show it to him before posting it here. He liked it, and we discussed it in-depth, but he was looking for something a little different. I'll go into that in a minute.... And show you my list.

After we met, I called Teresa and dad. Talked to them for a few.

After I got off the phone and continued walking back to the place, an overwhelming feeling of loneliness came over me. It was a very palpable, almost physical feeling of pain. I say "was". I mean "is". These past few weeks have been horrendous in some ways. An emotional roller coaster. Not everything has been bad, though. I've had some really good times. I haven't let the bad effect my recovery. Actually recovery helps. I don't know what I'd do if I weren't active in the program. Well. I do know. I'd be drunk right now.

It's a beautiful day, it's Halloween weekend, and I have no one to share it with. Or that wants to share it with me. It's nobody's fault but my own. I know that. But it still hurts like hell. Words can't describe how horrible it feels to have friends and the person you love most turn their backs on you. To be an outsider and no one will allow you to even look in. Take that as a word of advice that I can give if you are out there currently suffering the disease. It may not happen, but usually it does. You lose people over your addiction.

When I was active, I was powerless over just about every aspect of my life. I showed my sponsor my list, and while he thought it was good stuff, he wanted something more specific. I think it's important to note that these are things I feel I was powerless over because I was too damn stubborn to work a real program and fix them. I'm not using "powerlessness" as an out or a justification. The list doesn't exactly match up with the subject, either, but I still got a lot out of writing it. Maybe you could consider them more symptoms of a disease I was powerless over.

1) Lack of control over emotions. Anger, frustration, anxiety. When active or even sober and not recovering, I've found that I crumpled to these emotions very easily.

2) Finding solace and escape in trivial things. Facebook, Doctor Who, video games. My sponsor said they weren't bad things to enjoy. Just not as a crutch and not to get away from feelings and reality.

3) Inability to express emotion or love. This is something that has developed over many years and was compounded by alcoholism.

4) Taking things like hobbies, etc. to extremes. Example: Being on vacation and spending more quality time with the camera than the one I should be enjoying it with.

5) Compulsive and impulsive behavior. Regardless of the consequences.

6) Withdrawal and seclusion from social interaction and from those I love. Such as coming home from work and automatically going to hide in my own little world to avoid facing people or situations.

7) Doing things that hurt the ones I love. Whether intentionally or not, I still did some very hurtful things. Lying, manipulating.... You name it, I am accountable for it.

8) Complacency. Before I realize it, it's already been there for a while. This has seriously hurt any attempt at recovery I've made in the past.

9) Losing interest in things that seem too challenging.... or even scary. Facing my problems head-on being a big one.

10) Lack of patience. Desire for instant gratification.

I was told that these are problems almost every alcoholic faces, and was assured that it gets so much better as you work the steps. I'm on number one now. I was also told to keep the list and make a portfolio from all my written work. As I progress, I'll be able to look back and see just how far I've come.

My new assignment is to write at least 5 (more specific) things I'm powerless over. The first one that came to mind was "drinking while knowing it would destroy my relationship". He said that that was what he was looking for. We're meeting again in the middle of the week.

An Evening Full of Recovery

Sitting up the street having a burger and doing laundry.... and a Diet Coke. Yes, at Igor's. The only place I can wash at this time. Told my sponsor and he trusts me. I think. I forget that someone in my position has a harder time gaining trust. That's ok. Just means that I have to work harder.

I really needed this evening. It snapped me back a bit from what happened earlier. The business meeting was interesting. We nominated and elected several people into different positions in the group. Chair, secretary, etc... They offered to allow me into a lower ranking position, but I had to decline citing that I didn't feel like I had enough sobriety. I will be doing service work, however, by helping set up for business and regular meetings. I told them I'd do whatever they needed that was in my capacity. We talked group finance too. Woot.

The regular meeting was fantastic. My sponsor was there as well. There was alot of discussion about how folks had gotten into the program and their lives prior. I wasn't much up for sharing tonight. Just listened. Perhaps the biggest thing I left with, though, was that we as alcoholics like to blame our problems on everything and everyone around us. We don't truly start recovering until we realize that we are our own problem. I love that. Not a new notion, but it never gets old.

Afterward my sponsor and I went to the Rue (coffee shop). We just talked tonight. I shared with him some of what has been going on lately. Well. Everything that has been going on. One thing being Sarah and how I should back off and work my program. She may come around when she sees how well I'm doing or she may not. Talked about today too. He gave me some very good advice. I appreciate it very much. He also gave me an assignment to get me started in working the steps. List 10 things that I'm powerless over in alcoholism. I'll share that here after I've shared it with him.

Something else that I just remembered. And this is something I've never thought of. We were talking about how we'd both tried to function in society and work and still drink. It doesn't work. There is no such thing as a functional alcoholic. Basically, if you aren't recovering, some aspect of your life almost invariably is a wreck. I want to look deeper into that.

...........*I just moved my clothes over to the dryer.*

Writing tonight has helped a ton, too, dear reader. Thank you. Now I am going to tear into this cajun burger. G'nite.

Doing Things Differently... and Ramen Noodles

Wow. So glad I made it to the meeting on time. It was a nice little crowd. The older lady who moderates often was there too. She's a gentle soul who just emanates kindness. I always feel right at home when I see her and hear what she has to say.

Her topic today was a bit split. Dealing with the upcoming holiday season and going back and forth from the program until you actually get it. As far as the holidays, I mentioned that I may very well be by myself and I'm responsible for that. Not something to drink over though. I was, however, anxious to share because the "going back and forth" part has been something I'd dealt with over the past several years. Certain tendencies and attitudes coupled with complacency invariably led me from any recovery I may have been trying to start. And that led to drinking. I've talked about the symptoms of a dry drunk in a previous post. One was "less participation in a 12 step program, or dropping out altogether". That was me. Hello. I'm Jay and I'm an alcoholic.

I told everyone that I didn't want to use words like "changed" or "get it now" because I've used those words so many times before. I'm doing my recovery differently than my half-assed attempts in the past and it's working. You could say that I AM actually working my recovery. I'm following the guidelines that are set out by the program and have become a much better person for it.

So what are things that I've noticed about myself lately? I'm more direct with people, but in a healthy way. I no longer obsess with trivial things to escape reality. I make more conscious decisions before reacting in certain situations. And I have a clearer path in planning for the future. Those are just a few that stand out.

Still not perfect. Still have a lot of work in all aspects of my life... but who doesn't. I'm thankful for today and looking forward to all the great things the future will bring. And I'm sick of ramen noodles. I'm going to New Orleans Hamburgers and Seafood for lunch tomorrow, dammit. ;)

I lit a candle for someone before I left today.

Exhaustion and Future Steps

I'm a bit late posting. I was on the phone for a while with a friend. Not much to write about today. The Mustard Seed was ok. I just don't relate well with the guy who moderated. Doesn't seem very happy in his recovery. He acts as if it is more of a chore. I have to remember, though, that it is his recovery. We all do it differently and we don't judge.

I shared a little about behaviors I'll have to make amends for in the future... to people I've lied to or taken advantage of. The subject, though, was about the fourth step... doing a searching and fearless moral inventory. This is vital by itself and helps pave the way for the ninth step (making amends to those we've harmed). Now that step is going to have a huge list attached to it that I wont be able to share on these pages. Since I am nowhere near these steps, there wasn't alot I could say. But that's alright. Ultimately, the meeting left me feeling good. Called my sponsor afterward.

After that I made my way uptown to visit a friend who works at my bank. Talked to him about getting a card to help rebuild my credit. Then I closed at work.

Sorry if tonight's post isn't as insightful or poetic as others. I'm just exhausted. To pep things up, I think I'll attach a video from our June vacation. That beautiful gal, with the bird trying to eat her glasses, is Sarah. Goodnight, Cupcake.... wherever you are.