Sticks and Bricks

We had a really good speaker at homegroup tonight. Something he said jumped out at me. He talked about what our recovery is built on. The house that stands for a hundred years is built on a strong foundation.

I immediately thought of a children's story that I'm sure we're all familiar with... My recovery is only as strong as what I put into it. If I build straw or stick houses, the wolf (my own pride and complacency) is going to keep coming back to blow them down. Hard work, diligence, and faith are the things bricks are made of.

Our Higher Power, however, is the strongest part of that foundation. My previous meeting today was another speaker meeting. She brought up the meditation from 24 Hours A Day. I think it relates pretty well to that aspect of what we all discussed tonight...

"Hallowed be Thy Name." What does that mean to us? Here "name" is used in the sense of "spirit." The words mean praise to God for His spirit in the world, making us better. We should be especially grateful for God's spirit, which gives us the strength to overcome all that is base in our lives. His spirit is powerful. It can help us to live a conquering, abundant life. So we praise and thank Him for His spirit in our lives and in the lives of others.

Well. It's getting late and I'm pretty pooped. Today was a great day in recovery. Good night, all, and God Bless.

More of Jay's NOLA (In Recovery)

NOLA.... New Orleans Louisiana. Back in October I had posted a few long messages on my Facebook page. When I realized it may not be an appropriate place to write about being a former drunk, I started this blog. The first post was called "Sushi and Preachers". I couldn't have been more thankful for the outpouring of support from my family and friends. Here's the pic from my lunch on the Riverwalk... The day I started doing this.

I quickly fell into a routine of getting up everyday, going straight to a noon meeting, getting lunch, writing, and then going to work. Those days were nice in a bittersweet way, but life has a way of stacking other things upon you. Some of my favorite lunches were when I ate Subway in front of St. Louis Cathedral and Jackson Square.

The Archdiocese of New Orleans says,

"Eat Fresh!"

New Year's Eve! I was so looking for something to bring in the New Year. I was quite lonely at the time and really wanted to do something on that special evening. What I found was one of my favorite hangouts in New Orleans. The Columns. It's a historic house made into a hotel. I listened to live jazz and drank cranberry and soda (with a twist of lime) all night.

Your's truly taking his own pic up against...

a column.

No Rest for the Weary

The way sometimes seems long and weary. So many people today are weary. The weariness of others must often be shared by me. The weary and the heavy laden, when they come to me, should be helped to find the rest that I have found. There is only one sure cure for world-weariness and that is turning to spiritual things. In order to help bring about the turning of the weary world to God, I must dare to suffer, dare to conquer selfishness in myself, and dare to be filled with spiritual peace in the face of all the weariness of the world.

Sometimes the road forward seems endless and overwhelming. I used to feel so weary and hopeless. I was really getting tired of listening to myself and putting up with my own attitude. The big difference between me and other people was that they could get away from me when my behavior became too selfish, boastful, or judgemental.

Finding some serenity with my Higher Power and the program has made me somewhat more comfortable with myself and others. It's easier to deal with other people and things that life throws everyday.

I've met so many sad, down-trodden folks in the program and on the streets. Today I feel better centered and self-aware enough to help those who come along much more effectively.

Got back late and have an early day tomorrow so I am anxious to get some rest.

Have a great night and a blessed day!

Sneaky Flaws of Character

I had to show off and boast so that people would think I amounted to something, when, of course, both they and I knew that I really didn't amount to anything. I didn't fool anybody. Although I've been sober for quite a while, the old habit of building my self up is still with me. I still have a tendency to think too well of myself and to pretend to be more than I really am. Am I always in danger of becoming conceited just because I'm sober?

I've always had a problem with boastfulness and building myself up to look better in front of my friends, family, heck even people I didn't like. Sure that behavior may make you more interesting to some for a while, but people grow weary of that habit very quickly... And it is a habit. For me that behavior was almost compulsive.

I've gotten alot better about it in recovery. Still find that character flaw try to resurface sometimes... When I don't even realize it. Those old habits can be very sneaky and sometimes right under the surface. That's why vigilance can never be overtstated in AA.

Well. Time to call it a night! Hope you have a good one and God Bless!

Three Things in Recovery

We're so glad to be free from liquor that we do something about it. We get into action. We come to meetings regularly. We go out and try to help other alcoholics. We pass on the good news whenever we get a chance. In a spirit of thankfulness to God, we get into action. The A.A. program is simple. Submit yourself to God, find release from liquor, and get into action. Do these things and keep doing them and you're all set for the rest of your life. Have I got into action?

Three things that contribute immensely to a successful recovery. Surrender, gratutude, and service.

When I surrendered my will and admitted that I could not recover on my own, my Higher Power stepped in and helped me with the guidance, will and strength necessary to overcome my character defects and steer clear of my addiction. Am I totally free of my flaws and completely absolved of my past behavior? Noooooooo..... Still more work to do and accountability to take.

That's where the third thing comes in. Service. Or action. Helping others in any way I can with whatever experience I can offer. Giving back some of what I've gotten. It helps me learn more about myself too.

Work went by fairly quickly. Am kinda looking forward to this Jazz Fest crowd to leave town. Maybe I should stop living in cities with high tourist traffic... LOL.

G'night, folks.

Restless and Compulsive

What do men really want? What are we seeking? Many of us have felt driven and still feel restless or compulsive at times. We frantically followed our impulses to self-destructive extremes. Even those painful actions of our past were motivated, at the bottom line, by a spiritual search. What did we really seek in the bottle, or in the passionate bed, or in our work? Slowing down enough every day to let ourselves know what we are looking for gives us a much better chance of finding it.

I did something a bit different tonight and shared from Touchstones... That's the daily meditation for men. I just really liked the message and identified with it.

I've had a lot of people ask me over the years what I was looking for. Thing is, I'm not even sure I knew the answer to that. I couldn't slow down enough from partying, drinking, or seeking any other form of impulsive instant gratification to focus on anything important. Too interested in having fun and protecting my own ego to really grow.

The steps taught me to slow down. That anything worth having requires patience, focus, and determination. They also teach me that even the smallest thing that I build or begin in recovery will come crashing down the moment I decide to go back to my old habits.

I find diligence through God, meetings, and good, old-fashioned self-awareness.

What Would a Mature Adult Do?

I just got back in from my men's group. It was a birthday speaker meeting. This guy had alot of the same problems that I did finding recovery. He resisted, tried to do it on his own, went to meetings but never got a sponsor, didn't turn it over to God, relapsed... It's not a unique story at all. I've learned that most of the people who found success in the program had a pretty sticky time at first. That doesn't necessarily give one license to run wild with the idea that it's ok to slip and slide before getting a firm grip on sobriety. Other people suffer along the way. Our selfishness told us that we weren't responsible for that pain. I've come to discover that we very much are.Especially when we choose alcohol over the people we love. It may very well be the disease causing that horrible lapse in judgement, but at some point, enough has to be enough.

That makes me wonder how many people question my recovery. It's only natural and very fair that they would. I can tell you that I never planned to be an addict. I didn't wake up one day in grade school and say, "When I grow up, I'm going to lay on the couch drunk everyday and watch The Price is Right." I can also tell you that it would be a pretty grim and somewhat cynical assumption that I would be an active alcoholic for the rest of my life. There's no difference between that and a death sentence. I plan to have a home and a family. It's something that I have always wanted, and now it's more than just possible... It's a certainty as long as I work my program. As long as I am recovering.

The most profound thing I walked away with tonight was something our speaker said his sponsor told him. That when he was faced with a problem or conundrum to ask himself, "What would a mature adult do?" It's such a simple question, but I love it and plan to use it.

The rest of the day was business as usual. Worked most of it. Went to the park before my meeting and saw my ducks... and squirrels...and nutria... The bus driver almost knows me by name now. Really nice guy. We chat and exchange pleasantries almost everyday. He is straight up, old school New Orleanian. I'm almost going to feel guilty when I get my car. I'm sure he'll understand.

Have a wonderful night and God bless!

The Dangers of Social Networking

God's spirit is all about you all day long. You have no thoughts, no plans, no impulses and no emotions that He does not know about. You can hide nothing from Him. Do not make your conduct conform only to that of the world and do not depend on the approval or disapproval of others. God sees in secret, but He rewards openly. If you are in harmony with the Divine Spirit, doing your best to live the way you believe God wants you to live, you will be at peace.

This thought sort of addresses something I posted late last night. I was feeling angry and perhaps bitter about some of the profiles I saw by "friends" on Facebook. That's the danger of social networking. It's so easy to take things personally. It can rob you of your serenity.

Sure. Not many of these NOLA people are real friends. I can't blame them for living their lives though. Even if it's without me. I can always meet new, more emotionally well-adjusted folks. Hell. I already have.

I took that post down because I don't want to express myself through anger.

On a positive note... I got to talk to one of my mentors in recovery today. I'll see ya in June, JW!

Goodnight.

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 6- Pride (Cornerstone Sermon Podcast 02-19-12)

Just got back from my 12 Step study and the amazing day that I was blessed with before that.

The Cornerstone sermon from Feb.19th was finally posted a couple of days ago, and I've been very anxious to share it. The last in the Old Habits Die Hard series is Pride. Arguably my biggest weakness and even more arguably the root of all evil... After listening to Josh Agerton talk about the role pride took in the story of the downfall of Adam and Eve, I've become more convinced that not only is the devil real, he exists in all of us as doubt, ego, mistrust, etc. Really. I could name a dozen traits like that, and they all reside in me.

Josh talks about a blogpost he found that is helpful in self-evaluation of just how proud one actually is. I was surprised that not all applied to me, but most did. Reading the comments, alot of people were uncomfortably surprised at how close the list hit home. Bear in mind that there is such thing as healthy pride and unhealthy pride. This is the unhealthy variety. The link is below...

The Fifty Fruits of Pride

And here is the link to the sermon. I recommend this one highly. It's the message that I have literally been waiting for in this series because I know how well it describes me. Pride was my main roadblock in recovery.

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 6- Pride

Hey! Two awesome links in one night! I'm incredibly grateful for everything I"ve learned today... and from the Cornerstone podcasts. Now that the Old Habits series is over, I can't wait to see what they do next. It's an exciting church to be a part of. Even in anonymity... 5 and a half hours away.

Goodnight and peace be with you.

On To Step... 1?

Just got back from meeting with my sponsor and I am excited to say that I have finished my steps. Thing is, you never really finish them. These steps are practiced every day of my life. The most successful people in recovery usually go back and do them over and over again. When they decide to sponsor, they get to go through them with a sponsee. You'll find that you learn something new every time you do them, and it's great re-enforcement for sobriety. That's why I'll be doing them again in the not-too-distant future.

We had a really good meeting. It was cold, blustery, and wet outside the coffee shop, but well worth it. We talked for a little while then went over 11 and 12.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with

God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us

and the power to carry that out.

and...

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to

carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our

affairs.

Speaking of coffee shops, I'm sad to say that the Rue de la Course on Magazine St. has closed its doors. I've spent many hours there writing posts for this very blog. I've spent time with more than one sponsor there. And it was a great place to grab a coffee, sit at an outside table, and hang with friends. People watching at the Rue was interesting to say the least.

Well. I'm going to eat my sub and watch Storage Wars. It's been a great day. Goodnight and God Bless!

Back to the Norm

Work went really well. I did alot of lifting, climbing, and carrying so I'm a bit worn out. Gonna do some laundry, eat my sandwich, and get ready for bed....

Kinda sad seeing the Mardi Gras season go. Was walking down St. Charles on my way home and noticed how quiet it was. Just yesterday there were thousands of people crowding the street to see the parades. In less than a month, though, we'll have the St. Patrick's Parade (another little taste of insanity for those who miss it).

I am looking forward to having my homegroup again. It starts back tomorrow night. And we have a business meeting.

Now we can take an inventory of the good things that have come to us through A.A. To begin with, we're sober today. That's the biggest asset on any alcoholic's books. Sobriety to us is like goodwill in business. Everything else depends on that. Most of us have jobs, which we owe to our sobriety. We know we couldn't hold these jobs if we were drinking, so our jobs depend on our sobriety. Most of us have wives or husbands and children, which we either had lost or might have lost, if we hadn't stopped drinking. We have friends in A.A., real friends who are always ready to help us. Do I realize that my job, my family, and my real friends are dependent upon my sobriety?

There's the thought for the day. I really like it. It's a crucial reminder of exactly how much rides on my recovery. I should read that passage every day.

Well. I'm going to check on my clothes and wind down. Have a great night and God Bless!

A Farewell to Meat

Liquor used to be my friend. I used to have a lot of fun drinking. Practically all the fun I had was connected with drinking. But the time came when liquor became my enemy. I don't know just when liquor turned against me and became my enemy, but I know it happened, because I began to get into trouble. And since I realize that liquor is now my enemy, my main business is keeping sober. Making a living or keeping house is no longer my main business. It's secondary to the business of keeping sober. Do I realize that my main business is keeping sober?

Keeping sober above all else may seem a bit selfish to some. I realized a while back, though, that I'm no good to anyone unless I'm in recovery.

Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday. The end of the Mardi Gras season. So long, Carnival! A farewell to flesh... or meat. It's traditionally the beginning of fasting for Lent. One last, big blowout before giving stuff up for God. More than that, however, it's a spiritual challenge to ourselves. I gave up meat (except for seafood) one year. No one really understood why I did it. I'm not Catholic. It was just a personal test of will.

Going to try and make Zulu tomorrow morning. Rex rolls at 10. After that we'll see about 200 big trucks honking horns at full blast for the Elk's parade. There's a video below that I made from last year's. Imagine if the vid was 2 hours long... That's exactly what the Elk's parade is like. What's awesome is that we have a Krewe rolling after Elks. It was postponed from Saturday because of the rain.

Well. I have to be up early, so I'm going to go ahead and wind down. Happy Mardi Gras and God bless!

BTW... I've decided to give up astro-engineering for Lent this year. It'll be hard, but I can do it. ;)

Mardi Gras in Recovery

Wow. I am soaked and I am tired. Nothing too long or profound tonight.

Had a great day at work. Put in for my vacation time in June. Left at 7 and went straight to St. Charles and Napoleon to see tonight's parades. Ancient Druids ran first and then I had the distinct pleasure of seeing the inaugural run of the Mystic Krewe of Nyx. It rained off and on, had my umbrella, but still got wet.

Sobriety rocks. I can do stuff like that without drinking and enjoy it perhaps even more. There was a time in my life where I wanted to drink for any occasion. 4th of July? Bring on the Bud. Christmas? Put a little rum in that eggnog. Arbor Day?... Well. You get the idea. I spent my entire first Mardi Gras drinking. I mean the entire time. I was so consumed with myself having fun that I disregarded the fact that I had a beautiful woman, who loved me very much, and she only wanted to enjoy it with me. I have a lot of Mardi Gras...es (What's plural for that?) to make up to her. And Christmases. And 4th of Julys. And vacations. And so, so much more. I can't wait. Given the opportunity of course.

I took a little video with my Blackberry. I'm not falling down at the end of it. Someone threw me a frisbee and I was picking it up. ;)

As always, the picture quality is

atrocious at night.

I'm going to eat a very late dinner and get ready for bed. Until tomorrow... Goodnight and God bless!

Friends in Recovery

One of the most beautiful things my recovery and my blog has given me is all the wonderful people they've brought into my life. The following is a response to a previous post from a new friend in Europe. The reason that I am so fascinated and wanted to share is that it is not only her story, but mine and so many other people's in our position. Tragic, but not unique. Thank you, Riversurfer!

"The thought of the day had me thinking that drinking alcohol was something I always could rely on. I knew what alcohol could give me, a trustworthy old friend. I knew it would be me myself and I in a life free from friction, dwelling in the dark room. Not expecting any unpleasant surprises, just me and my love for the alcohol. It gave me a sense of control... I was the queen of my very own dark room.

Oh, and how I loved it and how it at the same time was killing me. The alcoholic so content and happy in its blessed ignorance - whilst the core of what me was in despair, only wished to die.

Dealing with life sober is undescribebly different from the days that was with drinking. Life is so rich, so beyond my control. It's scarey but oh so rewarding. I very much love this magnificent and eternal that is life and gladly turn my back to that horrible dark room.

Good night and sweet dreams!"

I'm so blessed to have folks like Riversurfer in my life. You keep me sober... Thank you again! :)

Not the Same Jay

I believe that life is a school in which I must learn spiritual things. I must trust in God and He will teach me. I must listen to God and He will speak through my mind. I must commune with Him in spite of all opposition and every obstacle. There will be days when I will hear no voice in my mind and when there will come no intimate heart to heart communion. But if I persist, and make a life habit of schooling myself in spiritual things, God will reveal Himself to me in many ways.

That's our meditation for today. I love it. Even in the worst times of my life, I've always considered the world my church and the people in it my fellowship. I lost that ideal in my drinking career. I developed a serious disdain for people in general. The wonder disappeared. I was too concerned with keeping myself numb and protected from all outside influences. That's why I'm alone today.

Happily, though, in my recovery I've re-established so many relationships. They are very cautious people, and they should be. The fact that they are coming back around at all means everything. I'm showing the folks that I love just how important they are to me. :)

Making that new connection with God has made me so much better as well. I now see the real important things in my life.

Have One on Me!

I haven't missed a day of posting, and I'm not about to now... Here's the thought for the day.

Treating others to drinks gave us a kind of satisfaction. We liked to say, "Have a drink on me." But we were not really doing the other people a favor. We were only helping them to get drunk, especially if they happened to be alcoholic. In A.A., we really try to help other alcoholics. We build them up instead of tearing them down. Drinking created a sort of fellowship. But it really was a false fellowship, because it was based on selfishness. We used our drinking companions for our own pleasure. In A.A., we have real fellowship, based on unselfishness and a desire to help each other. And we make real friends, not fair weather friends. With sobriety, have I got everything that drinking's got, without the headaches?

I never treated anyone else to a drink. I was always too concerned with getting myself drunk. I'd buy ya something to eat, but don't mess with my booze!

Nowadays I don't hide the fact that I'm in AA. I don't push it on other people, but once someone who knows they have problem sees you in recovery, I can almost guarantee that they will approach you about it. That's one of the many ways I try to be of service. As an example...

Ok. I'm sick and I'm going back to bed. Have a great day and God bless!

Tearing Down Walls and Cooking Cajun Style

It was a great first day off. Made a couple of meetings and I made some jambalaya. I've kinda missed cooking. I may even look into getting a small grill to take to the parades with me during Mardi Gras.

Was reading the thought for the day earlier and it was about loneliness...

A drinking life isn't a happy life. Drinking cuts you off from other people and from God. One of the worst things about drinking is the loneliness. And one of the best things about A.A. is the fellowship. Drinking cuts you off from other people, at least from the people who really matter to you, your family, your co-workers, and your real friends. No matter how much you love them, you build up a wall between you and them by your drinking. You're cut off from any real companionship with them. As a result, you're terribly lonely. Have I got rid of my loneliness?

I complain about being lonely sometimes. I'm not totally alone, though. I have God and I have people who love me that I can call at any time of day. I find fellowship in meetings and in church. Those are things that I'd walled out of my life while drinking... and even when I was sober but not recovering. I try not to cry when I imagine all that I missed in that horrible time. It makes me wish I could go back and love like I should have. That's a futile thing to do, however. Can't change the past. We can only learn from it.

Have I gotten rid of my loneliness (as the passage asks). No. Not completely. But the walls are no longer there. That means that I can definitely make the present and the future better for me and my loved ones. I can connect with them and grow with them. It's a beautiful feeling.

This isn't a "woe is me" post, by the way. Just sharing what I got from the thought. I'm in a pretty decent mood and am getting ready to watch some American Pickers and Pawn Stars. My international friends may have to Google those shows... LOL. They're fairly popular here.

Well. I'm going to settle in. I hope you have a great evening and a blessed tomorrow!

False Alarms

I was kind of worried about someone earlier today. Hadn't heard from him in a while. I'm sure I was over-reacting a bit. For someone in recovery, though, if you don't hear back from them fairly quick, your imagination can go pretty wild. Doubly so when that person is your sponsor. All turned out well. I was able to track him down and we chatted for a while. I guess I know, now, to a very small extent what would go through the minds of my loved ones when I went MIA. It's really f***ed up, and I can never be more sorry.

The rest of my day went well. Work was fine. We had a truck, but my friend the truck driver has apparently been reassigned. I haven't heard from him since that night he called. He's a good guy, but in his case, assuming the bad may not be far off the mark. He'd been making alot of progress, but I could tell he wasn't actually getting it. Ya know what I mean? I'll pray for him tonight and give him another call tomorrow.

Well.... It's a very early day coming up and I have lots on my to-do list. I do believe that I am going to kick back in my boxers and watch something on Netflix until time to go to bed.

Goodnight and have a blessed day!

Anchored in the Stagnant Waters of Bygones

Today marks my 4th month in recovery. Real recovery. Not just sobriety, but also confronting and letting go of my past. Learning to deal with life on life's terms. Now that's an interesting little saying, and I've never bothered to get down to its actual meaning before. Basically... I don't make the rules in a situation I have no control over. That situation being "life". And life can be a bitch. Reminds me of the Serenity Prayer...

God, grant me serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

I'm enthusiastic about the progress that I've made, but I also find myself pausing in solemn reflection. There are some parts of the past months that have been absolute hell. Days... even weeks at a time where my soul hurt so badly that I could feel it physically. Didn't drink over it, though. I stayed plugged into the program instead of withdrawing to the creature comforts of trivial things. Is that pain some kind of penance for all the shitty things I've done in the past? I don't know. Perhaps. If it is, then I've happily paid it... and will probably continue to pay it for a very long time. I can no longer allow it to incapacitate me, however. I feel like I've accomplished alot towards recovery, a foundation for a family, rebuilding relationships with those who are open to it... There's still more to do, though.

I have no illusions of grandeur. I'm no George Bush, flying onto a Naval carrier in a jet and standing under a banner that reads, "Mission Accomplished!" If I truly want to maintain what I've built so far, and build still more upon it, I have to let go of things that have already happened. That's pretty much where steps 4 through 9 come in... and I'm almost done with 9. Still more amends to make, of course. And then there are some that are from years ago that I can't make without hurting others.

I dunno. This is a very tricky subject. I'll need to pray more about it...

In a nutshell, I'm stoked that I've reached another milestone! And I realize that I'm by no means done. Some people ask me how long you have to stay in AA....

Uhhhh. Forever.

That used to scare the crap out of me, but once you open yourself to God and recovery, the rewards are endless.

Anchors aweigh!

Meetings and the Osmosis Effect

I have to close at work tonight, so I'll be doing my evening writing very late.

Got up and read the Thought for the Day from the 24 Hours book...

It doesn't do much good to come to meetings only once in a while and sit around, hoping to get something out of the program. That's all right at first, but it won't help us very long. Sooner or later we have to get into action by coming to meetings regularly, by giving a personal witness of our experience with alcohol, and by trying to help other alcoholics. Building a new life takes all the energy that we used to spend on drinking. Am I spending at least as much time and effort on the new life that I'm trying to build in A.A.?

I'm happy to be able to say that, this time, I hit the AA trail running. In years passed, I was always the guy sitting in the back looking at the clock. Thinking that my simple presence would spark some kind of osmosis-like effect... And that was even if I cared at all about recovering. Sometimes I just went to say that I'd been there.

Now I get a sense of joy and fellowship from going to meetings. I share often. I've worked hard with my sponsor on my steps. I do any kind of service work that is within my ability. And I pray... sticking close to my Higher Power. This earnest work that I've put into recovery has earned me another chip (an honest chip) tomorrow. Well. I have to wait til my homegroup Thursday to pick it up. Gotta work all day.

So I am grateful for today's thought. We often hear the same things over again, but sometimes in different words. That's great, though. I consider it renewing instead of repetitive.... keeping us on our toes and out of the monstrous jaws of complacency.

To all the night owls, I'll post again when I get back... Maybe something fun. It's been a while since I did a "Lightheartedness" post.