Anchored in the Stagnant Waters of Bygones

Today marks my 4th month in recovery. Real recovery. Not just sobriety, but also confronting and letting go of my past. Learning to deal with life on life's terms. Now that's an interesting little saying, and I've never bothered to get down to its actual meaning before. Basically... I don't make the rules in a situation I have no control over. That situation being "life". And life can be a bitch. Reminds me of the Serenity Prayer...

God, grant me serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

I'm enthusiastic about the progress that I've made, but I also find myself pausing in solemn reflection. There are some parts of the past months that have been absolute hell. Days... even weeks at a time where my soul hurt so badly that I could feel it physically. Didn't drink over it, though. I stayed plugged into the program instead of withdrawing to the creature comforts of trivial things. Is that pain some kind of penance for all the shitty things I've done in the past? I don't know. Perhaps. If it is, then I've happily paid it... and will probably continue to pay it for a very long time. I can no longer allow it to incapacitate me, however. I feel like I've accomplished alot towards recovery, a foundation for a family, rebuilding relationships with those who are open to it... There's still more to do, though.

I have no illusions of grandeur. I'm no George Bush, flying onto a Naval carrier in a jet and standing under a banner that reads, "Mission Accomplished!" If I truly want to maintain what I've built so far, and build still more upon it, I have to let go of things that have already happened. That's pretty much where steps 4 through 9 come in... and I'm almost done with 9. Still more amends to make, of course. And then there are some that are from years ago that I can't make without hurting others.

I dunno. This is a very tricky subject. I'll need to pray more about it...

In a nutshell, I'm stoked that I've reached another milestone! And I realize that I'm by no means done. Some people ask me how long you have to stay in AA....

Uhhhh. Forever.

That used to scare the crap out of me, but once you open yourself to God and recovery, the rewards are endless.

Anchors aweigh!

Bedtime and Serenity

Have to go to bed soon so, once again, this wont be a long post.

Had a pretty gloomy day today. Prayed alot through teary eyes. I got through it, though, and tomorrow is another day.

Meeting with my sponsor tomorrow night after the men's group. We're going to go over my 4th step work. It was tough, but I learned alot about myself. This program, when worked correctly, is a true miracle.

Well. I really have to get some sleep tonight. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. Got to be up very early too.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Have a blessed night, all.

Serenity Now

I've discovered that the truest test of how well I maintain my serenity is at work. Tonight I was working the area that I like the very least. I can honestly say that dealing with the endless parade of people used to frustrate me to no end. It was frustrating tonight and I caved a bit in my attempt to quit smoking completely. I ended up having about 3 or 4 for the entire day. Nothing to sneeze at, but it does mean that there is more work to do.

I didn't want to drink, though. I didn't take it out on anyone else and I didn't slam any doors. I just did my job and took a breather whenever I needed one. You see, I'm not just abstaining from alcohol. I'm working my recovery. Using tools that I learn in my program to overcome behaviors from my past. Behaviors that, quite frankly, made me look like an ass. Giving in to frustration being only one.

In abstinence all you are doing is not drinking. This works for a few, but for most the old behaviors are still there and they eventually end up going back out again. I was one of those people for a while. Being content with not drinking. Thinking everyone else should be too. Thought I had all the answers, but would inevitably find myself back at square one. "The Doctor's Opinion" in the Big Book has a lot of good stuff regarding this. I've added a link to it in a previous post too. Through recovery (not just abstinence) I've learned alot about why I drank, the behaviors that led to me going back, and what I can do to ensure that I never drink again. If one is serious, earnest, honest, and willing to stick to their program, there is no reason to ever suffer that hell again. Enthusiasm is key too. Happiness comes naturally when you start to heal. It's working for me.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.