Glass Houses

Try saying: "God bless her (or him)" of anyone who is in disharmony with you. Also say it of those who are in trouble through their own fault. Say it, willing that showers of blessings may fall upon them. Let God do the blessing. Leave to God the necessary correcting or disciplining. You should only desire blessing for them. Leave God's work to God. Occupy yourself with the task that He gives you to do. God's blessing will also break down all your own difficulties and build up all your successes.

That was always one of my big problems. Jay was more worried about other people and didn't concentrate enough on Jay. That can be a major distraction to your own development when you constantly critique and judge others... Like I did... And am still not 100 percent free of the flaw.

I've found that the best way to preserve my serenity is to pray for rather than judge. When I take a good look at myself and my past I realize that I am in absolutely no position cast stones. And I can't be more thankful that so many have prayed for me rather than judging me.

Had a good day at work, had an awesome poboy for dinner, and am now winding down for the night. Very early day tomorrow!

Peace....

Prayers for the Family

It's been a very long weekend for our family. My Uncle Donald passed away this morning at about 3:45.

Prayers go out to my family back in Alabama. I'm very grateful that I got to see him one more time at the reunion last year. Paul and Ada raised some wonderful kids... And their kids raised some wonderful kids.

Prayers go out to Uncle Ronnie too. He's in the hospital after what I can only imagine was a pretty traumatizing ordeal.

Have a good night and a blessed day.

Your Higher Power and A Prayer for the Dying

Strength comes from coming to believe in a Higher Power that can help you. You can't define this Higher Power, but you can see how it helps other alcoholics. You hear them talk about it and you begin to get the idea yourself. You try praying in a quiet time each morning and you begin to feel stronger, as though your prayers were heard. So you gradually come to believe there must be a Power in the world outside yourself, which is stronger than you and to which you can turn for help. Am I receiving strength from my faith in a Higher Power?

I was having an interesting conversation earlier. It became a debate. Pride told this person that he could define God. I maintained my position that God was indefinable. That great of a cosmic presence is well beyond our human comprehension. But He's there. Of that I have no doubt.

I pray and have immovable faith that my Higher Power has got my back. I see his work everyday in my life.

On a separate note (possibly very relevant), I have two uncles in distress. One is going to join my grandparents... most likely within the next 24 hours. The other is going to experience a very serious life change soon. It's been a long day, and I'm very tired.

Time for bed. Pray for those people who are lying in a hospital. Pray for the people who really know that they may not be here tomorrow.

Goodnight.

My Daily Moral Inventory

Meeting with my sponsor tomorrow night at CC's Coffee, so I suppose tonight I'll just kick back, write a bit, watch some TV, and munch on my trail mix.

Been working on taking my daily moral inventory. Usually at night... right before going to sleep, I lay there and mentally go over the events of the day. What did I do right? What did I do wrong?What should I do about it? I pray on it.

Stressful situations are much easier to deal with when I step back, take a good look, and not immediately react. I'm working on promptly admitting when I'm wrong, as well. Was never good at that. It makes the day so much better (and easier), though, when Step 10 becomes part of your daily routine. It's one of the steps that is never really finished.

Had a good day at work. Just very busy. There are still a lot of Mardi Gras visitors in town. Houses still have their decorations up. Beads are still everywhere. Hanging from trees, power lines, fences... It almost feels like another parade could come rolling down St. Charles at any moment. I like that.

I'll leave you tonight with a picture of the most festive pothole in the world. Saw it the other morning on the way to work.

God Bless!

Now that's what a pothole

should look like!

False Alarms

I was kind of worried about someone earlier today. Hadn't heard from him in a while. I'm sure I was over-reacting a bit. For someone in recovery, though, if you don't hear back from them fairly quick, your imagination can go pretty wild. Doubly so when that person is your sponsor. All turned out well. I was able to track him down and we chatted for a while. I guess I know, now, to a very small extent what would go through the minds of my loved ones when I went MIA. It's really f***ed up, and I can never be more sorry.

The rest of my day went well. Work was fine. We had a truck, but my friend the truck driver has apparently been reassigned. I haven't heard from him since that night he called. He's a good guy, but in his case, assuming the bad may not be far off the mark. He'd been making alot of progress, but I could tell he wasn't actually getting it. Ya know what I mean? I'll pray for him tonight and give him another call tomorrow.

Well.... It's a very early day coming up and I have lots on my to-do list. I do believe that I am going to kick back in my boxers and watch something on Netflix until time to go to bed.

Goodnight and have a blessed day!

Enter the Cyclone

Just got off work. At approximately 8 pm central time my life became a whirlwind.... and it will be one until Friday morning. Not to worry, though. It's a good whirlwind. I still have a lot to do tonight before my trip. I doubt I'm going to get much sleep.

So I'm spending time with my bro and his fam this weekend. Hopefully seeing some of my Alexander City peeps while there. Then I'm off to north Georgia to hang with my folks. It'll be a nice laid back week in the country. Like I said in a previous post... I can't wait to hit some of those mountain meetings too. The people are great and really enjoy their recovery.

I'll have a few new friends from last time to visit as well. Total strangers who took such an interest in my beating this disease. It's absolutely amazing what impact someone you don't even know can have on your life. I do believe that one person, in particular, is going to be shocked at my willingness to sit down and pray with him. I was such the intellectual asshole before. Even then.

I'll still post everyday. Maybe even twice on some days. I'll be grillin', helping around the house, playing with kitties, holding a baby, sitting on the porch chatting, visiting some of the neighboring towns, and more. The usual stuff, but a different Jay.

Well. I'd better get cracking. Lot's to do. Have a great night and a blessed day tomorrow!

Loneliness and Prayer

Today has been one of those days where ya run like hell and get absolutely nothing accomplished.

It was a beautiful day too. Felt great outside, sun was shining... it just had a great, positive feel to it. If it hadn't been for me running all over town fruitlessly trying to run errands, I may have enjoyed it more. Eh... Maybe I'm just whining because the day didn't turn out like I expected. Or I feel like I wasted valuable time... Or maybe I'm just lonely. I'm doing very well on my own. Don't get me wrong. But even though I'm working a wonderful recovery, well.... it doesn't mean I'm superhuman. I get lonely.

Not much else to write about. I'm just going to watch some Netflix for a while, then go to bed. I pray for a better day tomorrow. Prayer often requires action, so I will also strive for a better day. Until next time, goodnight and pleasant dreams.

Meditation for the Day

Work and prayer are the two forces, which are gradually making a better world. We must work for the betterment of ourselves and other people. Faith without works is dead. But all work with people should be based on prayer. If we say a little prayer before we speak or try to help, it will make us more effective. Prayer is the force behind the work. Prayer is based on faith that God is working with us and through us. We can believe that nothing is impossible in human relationships, if we depend on the help of God.

My Unique Opportunity

Just got back uptown from the Mustard Seed. Had to cut my share short because I'm still coughing a little. The topic was from 24 Hours a Day...

December 15, 2011

Service to others makes the world a good place. Civilization would cease if all of us were always and only for ourselves. We alcoholics have a wonderful opportunity to contribute to the well-being of the world. We have a common problem. We find a common answer. We are uniquely equipped to help others with the same problem. What a wonderful world it would be if everybody took his own greatest problem and found the answer to it and spent the rest of his life helping others with the same problem in his spare time. Soon we would have the right kind of a world. Do I appreciate my unique opportunity to be of service?

I pray about a lot at night. One of the things I pray for is to be put in situations where I can be of service throughout the day. To fellow alcoholics or anyone who's in a rough spot. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I miss those opportunities. Sometimes I'm preoccupied with my own stuff that's going on at the moment. The other night I was heading back to where I'm staying from work. A lady stopped me on St. Charles Ave. She hadn't yet gotten her first paycheck from her new job and needed money to buy her kids something to eat. It was late and I couldn't think of any resources for her that were open at that hour. I told her about some places that might be able to help, but she'd have to wait til morning. Apologizing and telling her that was about all I could do, I turned and started back down the street. I made it about half a block and stopped. "Was there anything else I could do? I pray about this and the opportunity is here." I then remembered the handful of change in my back pocket. Honestly, I'd forgotten I even had it. I went back to where we were, and she was still standing there. I gave it to her and told her about some of the nearby 24 hour stores. She'd probably only be able to buy ramen noodles, but it would be sustenance until the next day.

Stopped and looked at cars on the way back up. Just to get an idea of what I needed to do to prepare. Sitting at CC's right now drinking ginger peach tea. I'll probably be here til I go to my homegroup tonight. Gonna listen to music and do research. It's nice to be able to sit and chill out.

I'll write more tonight as always. Have an awesome day!

On to Step 8

Can't write much... The coffee shops are packed and my laptop is running out of juice. I wanted to share about the first part of my day, though.

I decided to do Step 7 during the confessional prayer at church today. It was an awesome, cleansing experience. I turned all my defects of character over to God. It was an earnest and heartfelt prayer. Doesn't mean that they are all automatically erased. Faith takes action. I meet with my sponsor this week to start the next steps in my recovery... 8 and 9.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

and

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I already have a list from step 4, I just need to add some names to it. This is going to be interesting to say the least. Some folks will be glad to hear from me, some may tell me to go to hell. Either way, I eagerly anticipate the opportunity to make right the wrongs I've committed over the years. Not only for me, but for those I've hurt. It may give some of them peace too.

Enjoyed the service immensely. We had a guest rabbi deliver the sermon. It's an episcopal church, but it partners with a synagogue down the street. He was a spectacular speaker and I hope to hear more from him.

Wont be able to make a meeting tonight... Gotta work til 10:30. About to have to go in actually. Going to grab a sandwich first.

Sorry if the post is a bit scattered. I'll write more later tonight when I can sit down and tie some coherent thoughts together, LOL.

Have a great day and Go Saints!

On To Step 4

Oh God. Where do I start? I suppose at the beginning of the day. It started with me feeling pretty down. Teresa and I agreed that once I got to the Mustard Seed my spirits would be picked up. And I did feel a bit better when I got there. We had a few out-of-towners, which was good. It's always nice to chat with them before and after the group. There was an older couple from Florida. She has been in AA for a long time and he is in Al-anon. They were very happy together and that brought some of my faith back to the surface. The topic was living in the now, maintaining serenity, and not freaking out over the future. That's a tough one for me. As long as I'm doing what I need to do in the present, I'm very confident that things are going to work out well in my recovery, finances and with a particular young lady I'd like to start a family with. It's just that sometimes a little something will happen to rattle that, and that's when I pray or call Teresa. Thanks, Teresa. She's been a very patient and understanding source of support.

After the meeting, I made my way to the Rue for coffee with my sponsor. It was too late for lunch. We sat right down and went over my work for Step 3. I was to read about the step and then write about 3 things. This is what I wrote....

Openness is something I've always had trouble with. I used to shut down immediately at the first sign of danger to my emotions (or lack there-of). Openness is being forthright, honest. and willing to come out and bare all to my loved ones, my program, and my higher power. It's a testament of love and respect. It's also a sign of trust.

Willingness takes faith. It's something I find deep down inside. Sometimes it involves letting go of skepticism, resistance, and fear. It's a commitment to those I love and saying to God, "I'm giving this to you. I can't handle it on my own." I am willing to do right by my recovery and to the people in my life... And I will follow through.

Honesty isn't only about telling the truth. It's about being true to myself and everyone around me. Honesty is an action. An example. It's following through on promises and it is crucial in making sound decisions. It's also one of the cornerstones of recovery. I lied for so long, even about some of the smallest stuff. I even had myself convinced of some of the most ridiculous things. The biggest lie, though, was that everybody and everything around me was my problem. Things started moving forward when I finally admitted that my biggest problem was Jay.

We talked about it for a few minutes. I explained that these things seemed to go hand in hand. A Trinity if you will. Then my sponsor asked me to read something. Page 63 in the Big Book. I read it, talked to him about my spiritual awakening, and then he asked me to read the prayer on the page out loud.

"God I offer myself to Thee- To build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always."

After that he said, "Now we move on to Step 4."

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

We're basically going to dig through my resentments, flaws of character, fears.... Things that led me to drinking and/or doing wrong by others. And the wrongs that I did.

More good news was to come. I dropped in at work and it looks like the newest guy quit, so I'm going to get my old schedule back. That will free me up in the evenings for a second job or finding a better full time job and keeping this one part time.

Whew. That was alot. I'll write more this evening after my men's group. Right now I'm just going to finish my coffee, listen to music on Spotify, and reflect.

Two Beers and Benjamin Franklin

Well someone out there seems more upbeat. Maybe one of my prayers were answered....

I wanted to share a cool website I found today while looking for the 24 Hours A Day Book. Here's the link- http://www.hazelden.org/ . It's a treatment center, but the website is a wealth of info about addiction and recovery (among other things).

Got the day off tomorrow, so I will be hitting my Mustard Seed group, lunch with my sponsor, coffee shop blog writing, some errands, evening meeting, dinner, then back here for another post. Going to try and find a new place to do laundry as well. May go to the park and read a bit for a little down time.

I was talking to Mr. Lewis earlier about going to the Second Harvest concerts a while back. He said he likes to go and have a couple of beers. I kind of chuckled and said it was Diet Cokes for me... and meatpies. Love the meatpies. He seemed a bit perplexed that I just drank Diet Coke. I explained that, for someone like me, two beers turns into three and then four.... then pretty soon I'm hanging off the Benjamin Franklin statue naked. That wouldn't actually happen. The statue thing. My point was that I don't stop at two. I stop when I fall asleep. That's why I can never drink again. And ya know what? I have absolutely no problem with that.

So that's it. Figured I throw some random thoughts up. Nothing too heavy. Not an incredibly eventful evening either. Hope everyone has a good night....

Blogging and Reprieve

We were talking about the importance of daily reprieve at Mustard Seed today. Lots of people in recovery associate this with prayer or meditation. At the meeting we went around the table and most said that they don't usually pray for one day's relief like they should. That's how we do it in AA. One day at a time.

The moderator explained that he didn't pray in the morning because he's usually so out of it that he doesn't remember what he prayed about..... Now, I'm not sure that that's how it is supposed to work, but his isn't my recovery. We do aspects of it in our own ways. Basically whatever works for us. I've been doing some praying myself over the weeks. Mostly for guidance and protection. He then mentioned that someone suggested journaling, but he wasn't up for that either. Ah ha! I had what I wanted to talk about.

One of the best things I've done for my start on the road to recovery was to open up to the world and honestly share what I was going through. It's made me more honest with myself and my loved ones. It also helps keep me from going back out. This blog has been invaluable, and I want to thank all you who read it. Hopefully, others who are suffering can find a little light here.

The guy who said that he couldn't remember what he'd prayed about later in the day also said he wouldn't remember what he wrote about in his journal either. While speaking I tried to indirectly iterate that I journal on a blog and often go back and read it again. I have to remember, still, that we recover in our own ways.

Anyways.... Had a nice lunch in Jackson Square. Hung around for a bit and enjoyed the pretty weather. Then I came here and started writing. Going to another meeting at 6:30, then home.

Will write more tonight.