Hello Again...

Whoa! Has it really been that long since my last post?! I have no excuses. Sure, we had a wonderful, whirlwind vacation. It took a few days to settle back in. The Greek economy is in crisis....

In reality, I've had plenty of opportunities to catch up on the blog. Unfortunately, I allowed my old acquaintance, Procrastination, to have a say in the scheduling.

Once again, the vacation was awesome. I got to spend some time bonding with the ones I love, made some new friends, and got to catch up with some old ones. I got to make a couple of those mountain meetings I love so much. I even got to share my favorite meeting in the world with Cupcake (it was open).

One of the things I miss from being back home is attending the Cornerstone Church services. I suppose YouTube is the next best thing.... Here's this week's sermon.

And here's the thought from Today's Gift...

Let the gentle bush dig its root deep and spread upward to split one boulder. —Carl Sandburg

There is a fable about the sun and wind having a contest to see who can get the old man to take his coat off first. The wind blows fiercely, but the old man just pulls his coat tighter around him. Finally, the wind gives up and the sun comes out. The sun shines a steady warm light down on the old man, who soon takes his coat off.

More and better things are accomplished in this world by kindness and gentleness than by force. When we find ourselves most frustrated, it is often because we are trying to force certain things to happen. Our own patient and steady desire to grow, fed by the love and kindness of others, will not be stopped by anything or anyone. Our own gentleness is a powerful force in our lives. It is like the gentle bush that grows through granite.

Time for bed and then another long day at work. Hope you have a great night and a blessed day tomorrow!

Rainy Day

I love the rain and thunder. It's hell to walk through to get to work, but beautiful from the porch. Just sitting here at the apartment reading today's thought...

We can depend on those members of any group who have gone all out for the program. They come to meetings. They work with other alcoholics. We don't have to worry about their slipping. They're loyal members of the group. I'm trying to be a loyal member of the group. When I'm tempted to take a drink, I tell myself that if I did I'd be letting down the other members who are the best friends I have. Am I going to let them down, if I can help it?

Not only would I be letting them down, but myself and my loved ones. That's part of where I find my strength. Cupcake and I will be visiting them in less than a few weeks! Gonna see a LOT of family, and I can't wait. Can't wait to spend some quality time with her too. :)

Gotta get ready for work. Late night coming up...

Have a great day, everyone!

We Do What We Must

Today's Thought

We must go to A.A. meetings regularly. We must learn to think differently. We must change from alcoholic thinking to sober thinking. We must reeducate our minds. We must try to help other alcoholics. We must cooperate with God by spending at least as much time and energy on the A.A. program as we did on drinking. We must follow the A.A. program to the best of our ability. Have I turned my alcoholic problem over to God and am I cooperating with Him?

I've been running non-stop since 6am. Pretty exhausted, but fulfilled. It's been an excellent day. Had a good meeting at my homegroup to top it all off. Meetings are but one of my "musts" to stay successful in recovery. Without the re-enforcement and fellowship I'd be in real danger of slipping back into my old ways of thinking.

Surrender is a must too. From the first step, I had to put my self-will and ego aside and say, "Ya know what God. I can't do this alone. I need your help." Since then, I've felt him actively working in my life.

Well. I have to go to bed soon, so I'm going to grab a shower and prepare to settle in. It'll be another 6am wake up call in the morning.

Have a wonderful night and a blessed day tomorrow!

My First H&I

Well. I did my first H&I meeting tonight. I think I did ok. Kinda scary at first because my speakers were 10 minutes late. They went to the New Orleans Mission by mistake. That was a long 10 minutes. I had to go ahead and start on time while thinking to myself, "What am I going to talk about if these guys don't show?" My mind is racing for a topic to use as a plan B. Being an introductory meeting for AA, I decided to start a discussion about the steps. I'm sitting there doing the best I can, but still nervously rambling about some of the hurdles I hit in my amends. Thank God the speakers walked in when they did.

It turned into a very good meeting. A bit of a different animal than the ones I'm used to, though. Some of these guys are hardened criminals. Some are just at rock bottom with nowhere to go. A place I know only too well. Only through the grace of God do I no longer find myself there. And only by that grace, I will never find myself there again. Everyone was nice, however, and welcomed me right in. My next one is in April and I may be picking up more than one a month. I look forward to working with these guys. I just have to remember my limits. Still not qualified enough to go around giving all kinds of advice. This is very serious stuff.

Gotta be up super early tomorrow, so I'm going to go ahead and wind down. It's going to be a very busy day, but I'll have my homegroup to look forward to at the end of it. :)

Goodnight!

The Mouse and The Eagle

This Mouse must give up one of the Mouse ways of seeing

things in order that he may grow.

-Hyemeyohsts Storm

There is an American Indian tale of a mouse who heard a roaring in his ears and set out to discover what it was. He encountered many animals who helped him on his way. Finally, the mouse had a chance to offer help to another. He gave away his eyes to help two other animals.

Without his sight, defenseless, he waited for the end. Soon he heard the sound eagles make when they dive for their prey. The next thing the mouse knew, he was flying. He could see all the splendor around him. Then he heard a voice say, "You have a new name. You are Eagle."

Like the mouse, we also feel something inside us we'd like to explore. That secret, like all others, has its answer hidden deep within us, yet right under our very nose. Often, we merely have to give up our eyes and see in a different way. When we do this, we are rewarded with a new kind of vision, one that lets us discover our true potential.

How can I look at things differently today?

Thought for the Day from Today's Gift

I am blessed to have the privilege of a new perspective on life. I am blessed to be in a position where I can be of service to my fellows. I am blessed with the enthusiasm of potential. Something to explore within myself. It's great having something to look forward to. :)

Been a good day. Between meetings, cleaning the apartment, and putting in a few resumes, I've just been enjoying being outside. Sat for a bit on the porch and listened to Justus play his guitar. Talked for a while with my buddy James. Now I'm winding down and watching Storage Wars: Texas.

Not the most interesting day, but I liked it.

Goodnight!

4 Month Chips and Calls from the Truck Driver

I was so stoked about picking up my 4 month chip at the homegroup tonight! When she got to "3" I was about to jump up, but she then went on to "6".... We don't have a 4 month chip. No biggie, though. I'll just grab one at my next meeting. As I said in my share, it's the actual time that matters.

Not alot to write about from the rest of the day. I will say that it feels good when you check the last thing off your daily errand list. Now I gotta write one for tomorrow.

I got a call from our truck driver while I was at my group. In the voicemail, he said that they had switched routes on him. It's something they do from time to time. Hadn't seen him since Christmas, so I was starting to worry. When I tried calling back, I didn't get an answer. I'll have to try again in the morning... or if something is up hopefully he'll try again.

Well. Before I start winding down (I got up very early today), I thought I'd share the meditation from 24 Hours...

I believe that God had already seen my heart's needs before I cried to Him, before I was conscious of those needs myself. I believe that God was already preparing the answer. God does not have to be petitioned with sighs and tears and much speaking before He reluctantly loses the desired help. He has already anticipated my every want and need. I will try to see this as His plans unfold in my life.

Remember when I said that someone very important to me shared that "God meets us where we are."? It's true. I can tell you that God was reaching out to me way before I finally reached out to him.

Goodnight, world. :)

Anchored in the Stagnant Waters of Bygones

Today marks my 4th month in recovery. Real recovery. Not just sobriety, but also confronting and letting go of my past. Learning to deal with life on life's terms. Now that's an interesting little saying, and I've never bothered to get down to its actual meaning before. Basically... I don't make the rules in a situation I have no control over. That situation being "life". And life can be a bitch. Reminds me of the Serenity Prayer...

God, grant me serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

I'm enthusiastic about the progress that I've made, but I also find myself pausing in solemn reflection. There are some parts of the past months that have been absolute hell. Days... even weeks at a time where my soul hurt so badly that I could feel it physically. Didn't drink over it, though. I stayed plugged into the program instead of withdrawing to the creature comforts of trivial things. Is that pain some kind of penance for all the shitty things I've done in the past? I don't know. Perhaps. If it is, then I've happily paid it... and will probably continue to pay it for a very long time. I can no longer allow it to incapacitate me, however. I feel like I've accomplished alot towards recovery, a foundation for a family, rebuilding relationships with those who are open to it... There's still more to do, though.

I have no illusions of grandeur. I'm no George Bush, flying onto a Naval carrier in a jet and standing under a banner that reads, "Mission Accomplished!" If I truly want to maintain what I've built so far, and build still more upon it, I have to let go of things that have already happened. That's pretty much where steps 4 through 9 come in... and I'm almost done with 9. Still more amends to make, of course. And then there are some that are from years ago that I can't make without hurting others.

I dunno. This is a very tricky subject. I'll need to pray more about it...

In a nutshell, I'm stoked that I've reached another milestone! And I realize that I'm by no means done. Some people ask me how long you have to stay in AA....

Uhhhh. Forever.

That used to scare the crap out of me, but once you open yourself to God and recovery, the rewards are endless.

Anchors aweigh!

Meetings and the Osmosis Effect

I have to close at work tonight, so I'll be doing my evening writing very late.

Got up and read the Thought for the Day from the 24 Hours book...

It doesn't do much good to come to meetings only once in a while and sit around, hoping to get something out of the program. That's all right at first, but it won't help us very long. Sooner or later we have to get into action by coming to meetings regularly, by giving a personal witness of our experience with alcohol, and by trying to help other alcoholics. Building a new life takes all the energy that we used to spend on drinking. Am I spending at least as much time and effort on the new life that I'm trying to build in A.A.?

I'm happy to be able to say that, this time, I hit the AA trail running. In years passed, I was always the guy sitting in the back looking at the clock. Thinking that my simple presence would spark some kind of osmosis-like effect... And that was even if I cared at all about recovering. Sometimes I just went to say that I'd been there.

Now I get a sense of joy and fellowship from going to meetings. I share often. I've worked hard with my sponsor on my steps. I do any kind of service work that is within my ability. And I pray... sticking close to my Higher Power. This earnest work that I've put into recovery has earned me another chip (an honest chip) tomorrow. Well. I have to wait til my homegroup Thursday to pick it up. Gotta work all day.

So I am grateful for today's thought. We often hear the same things over again, but sometimes in different words. That's great, though. I consider it renewing instead of repetitive.... keeping us on our toes and out of the monstrous jaws of complacency.

To all the night owls, I'll post again when I get back... Maybe something fun. It's been a while since I did a "Lightheartedness" post.

On the Road Again....

Just brewed my last pot of coffee... Said goodbye to baby William.... Sawed off that pesky tree branch that was sticking out over the road.... Packed up.... Talked to my bro about coming out for Mardi Gras.... Still gotta say farewell to JW and Nancy....

I have an all-night trip back to New Orleans starting at 8:25. Wont get back til about 8am tomorrow morning. Seeing as how I wont be able to write tonight, I thought I'd go ahead and post now.

Teresa picked up some stuff to make our own pizza, so we'll be doing that in a bit. Dad will be back from work soon. I'm going to try and clean up some. Still a few things to do before taking off... Gonna miss my folks alot. Hopefully I'll see them before the reunion in June. Might try and make it out to Auburn for a weekend.

So. Goodbye, mountains. Goodbye, country meetings. Goodbye, stillness of night. Goodbye, BBQ eatings!

"A happy family is but an earlier heaven."

-George Bernard Shaw

And, yes. I'll miss you too, Smokey.

Enter the Cyclone

Just got off work. At approximately 8 pm central time my life became a whirlwind.... and it will be one until Friday morning. Not to worry, though. It's a good whirlwind. I still have a lot to do tonight before my trip. I doubt I'm going to get much sleep.

So I'm spending time with my bro and his fam this weekend. Hopefully seeing some of my Alexander City peeps while there. Then I'm off to north Georgia to hang with my folks. It'll be a nice laid back week in the country. Like I said in a previous post... I can't wait to hit some of those mountain meetings too. The people are great and really enjoy their recovery.

I'll have a few new friends from last time to visit as well. Total strangers who took such an interest in my beating this disease. It's absolutely amazing what impact someone you don't even know can have on your life. I do believe that one person, in particular, is going to be shocked at my willingness to sit down and pray with him. I was such the intellectual asshole before. Even then.

I'll still post everyday. Maybe even twice on some days. I'll be grillin', helping around the house, playing with kitties, holding a baby, sitting on the porch chatting, visiting some of the neighboring towns, and more. The usual stuff, but a different Jay.

Well. I'd better get cracking. Lot's to do. Have a great night and a blessed day tomorrow!

T-Shirt, Boxers, and Netflix

Just got back from work. Busy night. Now I'm kickin' back in a t-shirt and boxers. I think I'll watch Dylan Dog on Netflix before bed. Looks like a funny movie.

That's about it.

Going to be a little tough the next couple of days, but as long as I'm busy and going to meetings, I'll be alright. Might try to make it to Hoshun if they are open Sunday and have a Christmas Story type of dinner. I doubt I'll be able to get the servers to sing me Christmas songs though.

I really, really liked the Meditation of the Day, so I thought I'd share it.

Shed peace, not discord, wherever you go. Try to be part of the cure of every situation, not part of the problem. Try to ignore evil, rather than to actively combat it. Always try to build up, never to tear down. Show others by your example that happiness comes from living the right way. The power of your example is greater than the power of what you say.

Goodnight, all. ;)

Church, Meetings, and Fellowship

Homegroup tonight! Woot! Business meeting before. That'll be an hour of people talking over one another, but I love it. I'd never treated AA as a real fellowship back when I wasn't working a real, proper recovery. Now I have folks who actually seek me out to say "Hello". It's a good feeling to be an active member of that community. They really are some of the best people in the world.

Back in the day, when I was ruled by self-will and arrogance, I'd get to a meeting a few minutes late, watch the clock, maybe share some BS story, and leave a few minutes early. Now I like to get there early and help set up. I enjoy listening to what is said, sharing something meaningful, and staying and chatting a few minutes afterward. It's such an integral part of my recovery. I can be totally down in the dumps on the way to a group, then leave feeling so much better. I thank God for that.

Church is great too. Most of the churches I've been to have had such a positive energy. Church of the Nations, my parents church, my brother's, or Trinity Episcopal. These days I get an automatic sense of serenity before I'm even within 20 feet of the door. That's my Higher Power at work as well. Since I, and I'm quoting here, "Let go and let God", spirituality and church have taken on an all new meaning.

When I was shackled by the disease of alcoholism... or when I was sober but not recovering... pride, arrogance, self-will, egotism, hell even fear kept me from opening up to God, the program, and, certainly not least, growing and connecting with the ones I love. Now I can do those things and the world is a brighter place for it.

Working a Strong Program

I'd like to delve a bit more into the holidays, but before that I have a couple of other things.

The first being a talk I had this evening with my boss. He's known about my problem for a little while now and had some questions about it. One was about meetings because I had mentioned that they were a necessity to my recovery. He asked if not going to meetings would make me want to drink. I told him not directly. That missing one meeting led to missing two and then three and so forth. Without meetings we fall back into our old behaviors and eventually we do become at risk. He understood the importance then, and I believe will work with me more (not that he hasn't by any means) on scheduling around my home group. I've been getting pretty active there. We discussed spirituality and how vital it is not just in life, but in the program. He's aware of my prior standings on God and religion, but I explained to him that once I opened up, I could feel a real presence working in my recovery. I always thought something like that would manifest itself with a big bang. Some sudden, overwhelming sense of euphoria. It's actually been quite subtle so far.

Another thing I wanted to share is how I'm sticking to my recovery. I was thinking about this earlier because of the approaching holidays. As I said before, my meetings are a necessity. They keep me centered and the fellowship reminds me that I am not alone. I've run into two people I know from the Mustard Seed today. We stopped and exchanged hellos. It's amazing because that fellowship is present even when walking to work or just shopping for groceries. Getting back to my meetings, though, I find that I look forward to them and will now go out of my way to make sure that I can get to at least one a day. Two when my schedule permits. The serenity and the structure are vital in my sobriety.

The Twelve Steps and sponsorship go hand in hand. My sponsor is leading me through the steps now and we meet quite often. He is also there for support, advice, and even friendship. Without a sponsor you can't effectively work your program. They are a key ingredient. I talk to mine once a day and usually meet twice a week. I get alot from what he has to share with me and the reading he suggests.

There is also prayer, service work, and journaling to name only a few more things. It's reinforcement and it's all worked very well for me. I feel that I've got a strong program going and am very enthusiastic in maintaining it.

Now the holidays. I'll still be rigorously working my recovery every single day. Rest assured that there will be no desire to go out. I know that is a huge concern for alcoholics spending the holidays alone. I'll have various program functions to attend as well. I'm also quite aware that my spending this time alone is of my own doing and I accept full accountability for that....

On the bright side, Hoshun Restaurant will be open on Thanksgiving. Woohoo!

The Dry Drunk

Something that has been eating at me for about a month now is a counseling session I was in while in Georgia. The counselor went over 4 major symptoms of a dry drunk. What is a dry drunk? "A sober alcoholic who develops a set of habits and attitudes that take the joy out of their life and for those around him or her. Those habits often precede a relapse into drinking, even if the alcoholic has been sober for years." When I saw these symptoms I thought, "Dear God. This is me!" I slipped and slid in my disease for a long time. I didn't always know it or recognize the behaviors. Neither did those around me. They just knew I was acting like a butt-head. When I started studying this, everything made complete sense. Every time I'd come off a bender, I'd make all of these promises (promises I'd genuinely intended to keep), be ok for a while, and then complacency would sneak in not followed too far behind by all the symptoms... Then BAM, I'd be right back on a binge. It's a sneaky, cunning disease.

Now I'm not putting the blame on anything or anyone, but myself. I made those decisions consciously. Not in the correct frame of mind, however. I would sometimes try to resist, but to no avail. I was too sick and not ready. As a result I hurt myself and alot of people I care dearly about. When sober, I was a dry drunk a significant portion of the time.

I went online to try and find those symptoms to write about tonight. Instead I found this in an article here. Found a lot more than I bargained for and it's as scary as crap. I'll tell ya what's different after the list.

Symptoms of a dry drunk are as follows....

• acting self-important, either

by “having all the answers,”

or playing “poor me.”

• making harsh judgments of

oneself and others.

• being impatient or pursuing

whims.

• blaming others for shortcomings one suspects in oneself.

• being dishonest, usually

beginning with little things.

• impulsive behavior which

ignores what’s best for oneself and others.

• inability to make decisions.

• mood swings, trouble with

expressing emotions, feeling

unsatisfied.

• detachment, self-absorption,

boredom, distraction or disorganization.

• nostalgia for the drinking life.

• fantasizing, daydreaming and

wishful thinking or euphoria.

• less participation in a 12-step

program or dropping out

altogether.

Getting active in the program has done tons to keep me more grounded. I now know what behaviors to look for and deal with them then and there. Even if I have to call my sponsor. The steps will be invaluable in addressing these defects of character. The most powerful weapon against falling into that trap again is awareness. And then immediate action. Whether it's going to a meeting, stepping back and evaluating the situation, or just going for a walk. Still not perfect, but I am a LOT better.

I think it's important to note that I never stopped caring or loving. I was just allowing myself to fall into a deep, dark hole.

Some info was referenced from http://www.cignabehavioral.com.

Europeans and Service Work

Just had a really good conversation about politics and war. Otherwise I would've started writing sooner.

Now. What was on my mind...? Talked to Teresa before my second meeting at Rayne Memorial. We were discussing "The Lost Child Pt. 2". She'd had very similar experiences in her family between her folks and her grandparents. She also opened my eyes to the idea that in the past I've pushed people away because I didn't think I deserved them. It's a good point. My history is littered with some pretty rotten things on top of a deep-rooted fear of abandonment. Definitely something to explore.

My homegroup meeting was ok. Not many wanted to share. The theme of the discussion had sort of moved to performing service work. Maybe there just wasn't as much interest in the subject. I shared that I was probably not in much of a position to give advice and such right now. I have opened myself up to people and shared my experiences. Told them where meetings were. For now I think that is service enough. I need to be listening as much talking.

...Funny. I just got invited by a bunch of Europeans to go hang out in the Quarter. When I told them I didn't drink, they asked what I was doing in New Orleans....

Ok. I'm back. Not much else to write really. Gettin' chilly down here and I didn't bring any winter clothes. Guess I'll be shopping next week.

One Month's Eve

Little late getting back. Went for gumbo with a new friend who has never been to New Orleans. Made my 12&12 meeting at Rayne Memorial Church. Aaaaaaand tomorrow night I pick up my one month chip. May not seem too special, but for some it's a milestone. Plus I plan for it to be my last one month chip. (Yep. I've had several.) Gonna hang with my sponsor afterward and read some more from the Big Book.

Second half of the day was a bit interesting. The Preacher, whom I've mentioned previously, sat beside me at PJ's. I kinda like his style so I leaned over and told him that if he ever wanted to write something, I'd post it for him. His eyes got wide and he asked me if everyone in the world could see it. Quickly I responded by saying everyone in the world has access to it. Almost everyone. "Can I start a blog?", he then asked. This was no longer a simple situation, but I didn't mind at all. I said anyone could, just go to so-and-so dot com and set it up. It turns out that he doesn't know much about the internet, so I set it up for him.

Have you seen this man?

If you travel up and down Canal Street during the day, you have.

He preaches on the corner of Decatur. With a megaphone.

I got him set up as best I could, then told him I had an AA meeting to go to. When it's ready, I'll post a link...

Well. That's about all I got. Have a few other things I want to write about, but I'll save them for tomorrow. Teresa and I were discussing the differences between abstinence and recovery, and I want to dedicate a post to how it was being an active alcoholic in New Orleans.

Blogging and Reprieve

We were talking about the importance of daily reprieve at Mustard Seed today. Lots of people in recovery associate this with prayer or meditation. At the meeting we went around the table and most said that they don't usually pray for one day's relief like they should. That's how we do it in AA. One day at a time.

The moderator explained that he didn't pray in the morning because he's usually so out of it that he doesn't remember what he prayed about..... Now, I'm not sure that that's how it is supposed to work, but his isn't my recovery. We do aspects of it in our own ways. Basically whatever works for us. I've been doing some praying myself over the weeks. Mostly for guidance and protection. He then mentioned that someone suggested journaling, but he wasn't up for that either. Ah ha! I had what I wanted to talk about.

One of the best things I've done for my start on the road to recovery was to open up to the world and honestly share what I was going through. It's made me more honest with myself and my loved ones. It also helps keep me from going back out. This blog has been invaluable, and I want to thank all you who read it. Hopefully, others who are suffering can find a little light here.

The guy who said that he couldn't remember what he'd prayed about later in the day also said he wouldn't remember what he wrote about in his journal either. While speaking I tried to indirectly iterate that I journal on a blog and often go back and read it again. I have to remember, still, that we recover in our own ways.

Anyways.... Had a nice lunch in Jackson Square. Hung around for a bit and enjoyed the pretty weather. Then I came here and started writing. Going to another meeting at 6:30, then home.

Will write more tonight.

The Good and the Bad

Today started on a really upbeat note for me. I made my daily call to my sponsor. We arranged to read the first 5 chapters of the Big Book aloud starting Saturday morning before the "On the Dot" meeting. I readily and happily agreed. Still I kinda dreaded getting up that early. Then I thought... You never had a problem getting up at the butt-crack of dawn to run across the street and buy another bottle. You can sure as hell get up for this. Have to say I'm looking forward to it. AND I haven't been to that meeting in a while.

Speaking of meetings, I've been getting alot out of the "Mustard Seed" downtown. It's a small group. Mostly business people on lunch. I spoke at length about anger the other day and learned quite a bit about myself from just being honest. Today we discussed the importance of making meetings regularly. I shared how I used to be a clockwatcher, paying more attention to the time than what was being said. But then I shared that in the past weeks I've actually been listening. This has made an entire world of difference. I now look forward to my meetings... sometimes making two a day. My entire outlook has started to evolve into something much healthier. I've even started making friends, which is something else I never bothered to do.

After that I had a nice lunch by myself beside the river. The river is kind of my place. I get a little bit of serenity from watching the ships go by or just watching it flow. After that I found my usual seat at PJ's coffee on Canal St. When I left, my day started to change.....

That feeling of serenity kinda went away. I think I'd started worrying about Sarah. I have good days and bad days when it comes to that. This day seemed sort of split in half. I still love her. I wish to God I had a rewind button. This is where I am NOW though. You can only move forward and try your damnedest to make things right. This is the real deal, Cupcake, and there is still a gigantic place in my heart reserved for you if you'll have me.

Work was a bit of a challenge too. A test of patience, if you will. I've never been a fan of the area I worked in tonight. Not even by a longshot. I did well, though. Even found myself bantering with some people.

So. All in all, it was a good productive day. Now I'm just hanging out before bed. Don't usually go to sleep before one or two. Some nights I run into a neighbor in the courtyard and we discuss politics, the city, or even physics. I can enjoy a good, open-minded discussion again. And for all these things, I'm grateful.