Sticks and Bricks

We had a really good speaker at homegroup tonight. Something he said jumped out at me. He talked about what our recovery is built on. The house that stands for a hundred years is built on a strong foundation.

I immediately thought of a children's story that I'm sure we're all familiar with... My recovery is only as strong as what I put into it. If I build straw or stick houses, the wolf (my own pride and complacency) is going to keep coming back to blow them down. Hard work, diligence, and faith are the things bricks are made of.

Our Higher Power, however, is the strongest part of that foundation. My previous meeting today was another speaker meeting. She brought up the meditation from 24 Hours A Day. I think it relates pretty well to that aspect of what we all discussed tonight...

"Hallowed be Thy Name." What does that mean to us? Here "name" is used in the sense of "spirit." The words mean praise to God for His spirit in the world, making us better. We should be especially grateful for God's spirit, which gives us the strength to overcome all that is base in our lives. His spirit is powerful. It can help us to live a conquering, abundant life. So we praise and thank Him for His spirit in our lives and in the lives of others.

Well. It's getting late and I'm pretty pooped. Today was a great day in recovery. Good night, all, and God Bless.

It Takes a Village

We're in A.A. for two main reasons: to keep sober ourselves and to help others to keep sober. It's a well-known fact that helping others is a big part of keeping sober yourself. It's also been proved that it's very hard to keep sober all by yourself. A lot of people have tried it and failed. They come to a few A.A. meetings and then stay sober alone for a few months, but usually they eventually get drunk. Do I know that I can't stay sober successfully alone?

I know that for me, it's taken the help of a whole network of people to stay sober. From my sponsor, to my family and friends, my Higher Power, my fellow AA members, those that I do service work with and for... Heck. Sometimes just a stranger I talk to on the street. You may say it's taken a village to save a drunk.

Bad things tend to happen when I try to solve all of my problems on my own.

Well. It's pushing midnight and I have to be up early. Still haven't taken a shower either. Have a great night and a fantastic tomorrow!

No Rest for the Weary

The way sometimes seems long and weary. So many people today are weary. The weariness of others must often be shared by me. The weary and the heavy laden, when they come to me, should be helped to find the rest that I have found. There is only one sure cure for world-weariness and that is turning to spiritual things. In order to help bring about the turning of the weary world to God, I must dare to suffer, dare to conquer selfishness in myself, and dare to be filled with spiritual peace in the face of all the weariness of the world.

Sometimes the road forward seems endless and overwhelming. I used to feel so weary and hopeless. I was really getting tired of listening to myself and putting up with my own attitude. The big difference between me and other people was that they could get away from me when my behavior became too selfish, boastful, or judgemental.

Finding some serenity with my Higher Power and the program has made me somewhat more comfortable with myself and others. It's easier to deal with other people and things that life throws everyday.

I've met so many sad, down-trodden folks in the program and on the streets. Today I feel better centered and self-aware enough to help those who come along much more effectively.

Got back late and have an early day tomorrow so I am anxious to get some rest.

Have a great night and a blessed day!

Hope and Faith

The A.A. program is one of faith, hope, and charity. It's a program of hope because when new members come into A.A., the first thing they get is hope. They hear older members tell how they had been through the same kind of hell that they have and how they found the way out through A.A. And this gives them hope that if others can do it, they can do it. Is hope still strong in me?

My hope wavers sometimes. That's when I have to step back and remember to live in the now. It can be a little overwhelming at moments trying to rebuild and redesign a life....

Sometimes things seem to be moving too slowly, or not at all. That's where patience and hard work come into practice.

What reinforces my hope and faith? Seeing how much better things work out and how much easier life is when I keep an even keel and avoid the choppy waters the best I can. Also, like the thought says, seeing firsthand how well other folks are doing by sticking with their programs, following their Higher Power, and living their lives differently.

Sure. It sounds like a lot of work... and it is. But I've found that after time, these things become second nature.

Got a couple of days off that I want to make very productive and I have to be up early, so I'm going to turn in.

Have a good night and God Bless!

This New World

Having found my way into this new world by the grace of God and the help of A.A., am I going to take that first drink, when I know that just one drink will change my whole world? Am I deliberately going back to the suffering of that alcoholic world? Or am I going to hang onto the happiness of this sober world? Is there any doubt about the answer? With God's help, am I going to hang onto A.A. with both hands?

I'm finally at a point in my life where I realize that there are just some things in this world I can't do... I can't compose a piano concerto. I can't manipulate that one little subatomic particle that turns lead into gold. And I can't drink. At least not without destroying what little I've built and bringing everything and everyone down around me.

One drink is all it takes. One drink and that meltdown is right around the corner. For an alcoholic, you cannot stop at just one drink. For most of us it stops when we either run out of money or can't physically raise the glass to your head.

I'm grateful for this new way of living that my Higher Power has not only shown me, but helped me to maintain.

Goodnight!

Playing Atlas (Badly)

Pride stands sentinel at the door of the heart and shuts out the love of God. God can only dwell with the humble and the obedient. Obedience to God's will is the key unlocking the door to God's kingdom. You cannot obey God to the best of your ability without in time realizing God's love and responding to that love. The rough stone steps of obedience lead up to where the mosaic floor of love and joy is laid. Where God's spirit is, there is your home. There is heaven for you.

The proud addict believes that there is no greater power than themselves. They are desperately struggling to hold their own sad little worlds together. They aren't happy worlds by any stretch of the imagination. As a matter of fact, most of them are just short of sheer make-believe. We try to maintain a facade that everything is ok. While playing Atlas (and badly) all we can think about is the next drink.

I've found that the world my Higher Power has to offer is not only liberating, but much more beautiful than that dark, hellish place I locked myself in.

Insanity is voluntarily living that hell to maintain a destructive disease. It's where Jay got by trying to run the show himself.

I'm glad to finally have that horrible world off my shoulders.

Goodnight!

Pain Removes the Veil

Thought I'd write a bit about what I heard in the Cornerstone sermon last night. At the very hub of the message, I was reminded of a lot about myself.

How I never grew up from the "Look at me!" mentality that is perfectly reasonable for a kid, but not for an adult.

How, for all of my life, I lived on the idea that this was my world. you just live in it.

And most importantly, in my addiction, how I never dropped the self-will that kept me in the same painful cycle. The sermon's title is My Glory to His Glory. That means something. I'm not god anymore. I turn all of the insanity and pride over to my Higher Power. I recognize that it's not about what people can do for me... It's about what I can do for people in his name.

Ego builds a cardboard fortress that humility must everyday tear down.

Very telling about how fragile even the largest egos are. That was a quote that Rusty found. Another was from CS Lewis... "Pain removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of a rebel soul."

For those who didn't catch the YouTube link last night, here's a link to the audio sermon...

Cornerstone Church Podcast: My Glory to His Glory

Hope the day is going great for you! May post something fun a bit later....

Your Higher Power and A Prayer for the Dying

Strength comes from coming to believe in a Higher Power that can help you. You can't define this Higher Power, but you can see how it helps other alcoholics. You hear them talk about it and you begin to get the idea yourself. You try praying in a quiet time each morning and you begin to feel stronger, as though your prayers were heard. So you gradually come to believe there must be a Power in the world outside yourself, which is stronger than you and to which you can turn for help. Am I receiving strength from my faith in a Higher Power?

I was having an interesting conversation earlier. It became a debate. Pride told this person that he could define God. I maintained my position that God was indefinable. That great of a cosmic presence is well beyond our human comprehension. But He's there. Of that I have no doubt.

I pray and have immovable faith that my Higher Power has got my back. I see his work everyday in my life.

On a separate note (possibly very relevant), I have two uncles in distress. One is going to join my grandparents... most likely within the next 24 hours. The other is going to experience a very serious life change soon. It's been a long day, and I'm very tired.

Time for bed. Pray for those people who are lying in a hospital. Pray for the people who really know that they may not be here tomorrow.

Goodnight.

The Merry Go-Round

We alcoholics were on a merry go-round, going round and round, and we couldn't get off. That merry go round is a kind of hell on earth. In A.A. I got off that merry go-round by learning to stay sober. I pray to my Higher Power every morning to help me to keep sober. And I get the strength from that Power to do what I could never do with my own strength. I do not doubt the existence of that Power. We're not speaking into a vacuum when we pray. That Power is there, if we will use it. Am I off the merry go round of drinking for good?

There's not much that was "merry" on my alcoholic cycle. Just despair. Even in my sobriety I feel lonely and hopeless sometimes. Perhaps it's because I have so much work ahead of me.

I have, however, made alot of progress. My credit is better than it has ever been. Job longevity is good. The possibilities are opening up. I just have to stay plugged in.

The future is glorious... If I continue to work it.

Goodnight and God bless.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... Because There Will Always Be Small Stuff

My own variation on a popular book title. Here's todays meditation from the Narcotics Anonymous book Just For Today.

Small Things

"In the past, we made simple situations into problems; we made mountains out of molehills."

Basic Text, p. 87

Making mountains out of molehills seems to be our specialty. Have you heard it said that to an addict, a flat tire is a traumatic event? Or how about those of us who forget all pretense of principle when confronted with a bad driver? And what about that can opener that won't work—you know, the one you just threw out the second story window? We can relate when we hear others share, "God, grant me patience right now!"

No, it's not the major setbacks that drive us to distraction. The big things—divorce, death, serious illness, the loss of a job—will throw us, but we survive them. We've learned from experience that we must reach out to our Higher Power and others to make it through life's major crises. It's the small things, the constant day-to-day challenges of living life without the use of drugs, that seem to affect most addicts most strongly in recovery.

When the little things get to us, the Serenity Prayer can help us regain our perspective. We can all remember that "turning over" these small matters to the care of our Higher Power results in peace of mind and a refreshed perspective on life.

Just for today: I will work on patience. I will try to keep from blowing things out of proportion, and walk with my Higher Power through my day.

Today was a day of small stuff. My shoes were soggy all day from going to work in the rain. Time seemed to poke along. Boxes were falling apart in the stock room. Had to move some 300 lb. fixtures...

Like I said last night, though. Exhausted but fulfilled. Just got back from my sponsor's step study. It was kind of unexpected, but I went when he called me. Going to bed now. Goodnight, dear reader. :)

The Divine Spark

The elimination of selfishness is the key to happiness and can only be accomplished with God's help. We start out with a spark of the Divine Spirit but a large amount of selfishness. As we grow and come in contact with other people, we can take one of two paths. We can become more and more selfish and practically extinguish the Divine Spark within us, or we can become more unselfish and develop our spirituality until it becomes the most important thing in our lives.

So at what point in my life did the Divine Spark begin to diminish? It was well before my career as an alcoholic, I can promise you. The more I think about it, the more I believe that there is a good possibility that I've always been a bit of a brat. Somewhere in my young life, I developed a very unhealthy sense of entitlement.

It's a hard mentality to overcome, but rediscovering my Higher Power, working the steps, and a little growing up is helping to defeat that character flaw.

I'm grateful for today's meditation. It's given me something to reflect on.

The day went well. Work was fine. Just getting ready for a busy week. I hope everyone had a great day too. Going to leave you with a vid I made back in.... October I think. It's from the Crescent City Blues and BBQ Festival. What a wonderful time that was! Thought I'd share something fun.

Goodnight!

But for the Grace of God

Got the greenlight to chair H&I once a month. I think I'll ask my sponsor to be my first moderator. Talked to him a little earlier about meeting up tomorrow or Sunday. We're going to go ahead and finish my steps. Pretty psyched about that!

Work went well too. It was a pretty slow night. Just got back and am getting ready to wind down for bed. I'll check out the Cornerstone website first and see if they've posted this week's sermon yet.

When we came to our first A.A. meeting, we looked up at the wall at the end of the room and saw the sign: "But for the grace of God." We knew right then and there that we would have to call on the grace of God in order to get sober and get over our soul sickness. We heard speakers tell how they had come to depend on a Power greater than themselves. That made sense to us and we made up our minds to try it. Am I depending on the grace of God to help me stay sober?

That's not what I was thinking at my first AA meeting. Seeing the word "God" everywhere scared the hell out of me. It took me a very long time to accept him as my Higher Power and that's one reason I failed so many times. Now I know that God's got my back. Whenever I need him, I can call on him. He's always there.

Gonna go ahead and sign off. If Cornerstone posted today, I'll link it here.

Have a great night and a blessed tomorrow!

Twinkly Stars and Another Amends

Was looking at the sky before my meeting and saw a very bright star over the trees. You can tell a star from a planet because planets don't twinkle. A bit of useless information for ya. Anyway... Since I was a child, I would look up at the night sky and be overwhelmed with a feeling. A feeling that I know today as "awe". I felt that tonight. It made me feel very small imagining the size and distance of it. And how long it took the light from that star to get here. Go sit out on a perfectly clear night with someone you love, or your Higher Power and just gaze. All the crap in your life suddenly seems very small.

Had a good, but short amends earlier. I wont say who it was with, but it was kind of funny. We chatted for a little while, then I said, "Well. The reason I called was to apologize for all the times I took advantage of your hospitality." It wasn't just an obligatory apology. It was from the heart. The person said, "Well thank you." and went on to ask, "Are you dying or something?". I had to laugh. "No. I'm just sorry and it's long overdue." I could tell they were glad to hear it.

It was another busy day. Got up and started working on the new place. Did some laundry. Had an appointment that went really well. Ran errands uptown. Had to go to that village in purgatory, also known as "Wal-Mart on Tchoupitoulas", to pick up bedding. Ate some General Tso's chicken at Green Tea for dinner. Went to a great homegroup meeting. And back here to wind down. Awesome day.

Hope you had an awesome day, too. Goodnight.

Had to brighten it up a bit.
I love the light in here.

My Aching Back

Had a blast today running from one side of New Orleans to the other. Literally. I traveled from Riverbend to the Marigny and back. But man did it pay off. Found me an awesome place on Napoleon at the last minute. The other places I looked at were... not very appealing.

Goes to show how our Higher Power works in our lives. I am truly grateful.

Wasn't able to make a meeting today because of all the chaos, but I am very much looking forward to my homegroup tomorrow night.

Well. It was a stressful day, but I maintained and kept the faith. Bout to blow up my air mattress and maybe watch The Daily Show on my computer. Oh. I didn't mention the place didn't come furnished? Something I failed to ask beforehand. Quite alright, though. As soon as I saw it, I knew I'd better grab it before someone else did.

Carpe diem, my friends.

Why Am I Here?

That was tonight's topic. Some stories were happy... some were sad. The relapsers who just came back into our ranks admitted that they had gone back out because they didn't have sponsors or weren't working their steps. That was my problem for the longest time. Self-will. Finally getting a real sponsor and working the hell out of those steps have made me a different person. A better person. Still Jay, just minus the personality crippling defects. And that is with some humility and direct help from my Higher Power.

So why am I here? I'm here for me. To save my life. To make myself better for me and the ones I love. To have the tools to deal with life on life's terms. To be in a position to help my fellows in any way I can. To find success and happiness. To have that family and that future with the woman I love so much. To live a sober and fruitful life. Things I couldn't do when I wasn't in recovery. I'm very grateful.

Going to be doing my amends very soon. My sponsor wants to see the list this weekend. We sat for about 2 hours at his apartment after the meeting chatting and reading.... and drinking coffee.

So that was my evening. Hope your's was great. Have a good night and a great tomorrow!

Steps 6 & 7

I am getting sick. My throat has felt like someone stuck a cheese-grater down it all day, and now I'm achy and feeling blah..... Wish I had some of that awesome soup from Jung's. Ya know... I almost went in there today.

Enough about my woes, though. Today was a very significant day in my recovery. I finished step 5....

Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

We ordered a spinach feta pizza to my sponsor's apartment, made some coffee, and got settled in. I wont go into everything I shared. You can actually find most of my history right here in these pages. After 2 hours of me spilling my guts about my actions over the past 30 something years, we came to the conclusion that my main character default was my selfish, self-serving behavior. It was almost like a theme in my moral inventory. There were others, though. Trust me.

I've had so many people who cared about me over the years, tried to help, and all I could think about was what I could do that would benefit myself. I wasn't the best partner... son... friend.... or brother that I could be. I let alot of people down. I hurt alot of people...

Understanding my faults and wrongdoing.... identifying them... is one of the goals of this step. Telling another person about each and every one helps cleanse my soul of them. They are behind me, but not forgotten. This step leads right into steps 6 and 7...

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

and
Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

These steps are strictly between me and my Higher Power. My sponsor can answer any questions I may have, but that's about it.

I later went to Riverview Park and sat for quite some time. After some hard and honest thought, I had one of those moments of clarity. I saw myself for what I really was all of those years. The lying, the manipulation, the sneaking... I could see all the kindness I was shown and how I took advantage of it. I thought I was going to be sick. I called my sponsor and told him that if God wants all that, he can have it. I certainly don't want it. When I made that decision... truly, honestly made that decision... a sense of calm came over me. Release. I never have to be that person again.

Don't get me wrong. I've done some really good things in my life. I certainly don't think I was a bad person. Just did some really bad things. Made alot of mistakes. Allowed myself to be ruled by addiction. That part of me, thankfully, sank to the bottom of the Mississippi today.

There's more work to do. Still more steps. Today, though, was a milestone in my program. I read something today that I liked.

Action is Born of Belief, Faith Without Works is Dead.

Here's the 7th Step prayer... Goodnight.

I am now willing that you should have all of me,

good and bad.

I pray that you now remove from me

every single defect of character which stands in the way

of my usefulness to you and my fellows.

Grant me strength, as I go out from here,

to do your bidding.

Amen

Surrender

I was talking to a guy last night who knows that I'm in recovery. Now I don't run up and down Magazine St. yelling "I'M IN AA!!!!", but I don't hide it. Quite proud of it actually. It means that I've taken control of my life and am working every single day to make myself a better person.

AA is a program of attraction, not promotion. I feel if I've attracted just one other suffering person into it, I've not only helped them in some way, but I've done one more thing to ensure my sobriety. I wont be ready to sponsor or do H & I for a while as there are certain requirements, but we are all encouraged to help others in any way we responsibly can.

My biological mom asked me to be her sponsor last time I talked to her. That's why I don't call her much anymore. Right now she isn't good for my recovery. I still like to make sure she's ok, but that's about the extent of it.

Anyway. Back to the guy. He's a really good person, but he feels he has a drinking problem. He came to me and asked what I know about medical detox. I told him that they would sober him up, get him past his withdrawal stage, and probably turn him loose to drink again. I've never been in a medical detox unit, but I know plenty who have. Don't get me wrong, I've done rehab and pre-rehab, spent a weekend in an emergency room one time, but never been admitted to a hospital for the express purpose of getting me through DTs safely.... I'm rambling again.

I invited him to come to a meeting with me and he recoiled. Alot of folks have the misconception that AA is a religious organization, some kind of cult, or that they'll lose themselves somehow. I had those misconceptions at varying times of my disease. His big problem is surrender. I told him that was a key part of the program. You have to surrender your will to your Higher Power or the program simply isn't effective. My Higher Power is God. I told him that, at one time, I had the exact frame of mind he does... and I kept going back to drinking. I couldn't recover. I had to put my pride and ego aside, open up to God, and allow him to take the bad stuff away. It's an entire step in AA. Step 3.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we

understood Him.

We have plenty of athiests in the program who find some kind of Higher Power. Even if it's the program itself. It works for them.

He promised that he would come with me to one meeting. I told him not to promise me, but promise himself. It's all up to him. I can only tell him what I know about it and give encouragement. Hope he comes, though. I invited him to my homegroup on Thursday. If it looks like something he's interested in, I'll introduce him to my sponsor. He can do a much better job of this than I can right now. Plus I have to stay focused on my recovery.

That was a long one and I hope I wasn't too all over the place with it. Learned alot from just writing it, though. I know I'm on my 5th step, but I thought I'd put up the 3rd Step prayer... Goodnight.

God, I offer myself to Thee — to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!

Stinkin' Thinkin'

Just left the Mustard Seed and have to be at work at 2.... So I don't have time to write much. The topic centered around the importance of not slacking off from meetings and the kind of thinking that comes before a relapse. Today was my kind of meeting. I remember only too well that kind of thinking. I don't spend too much time on those thoughts anymore, but when I used to get them, there would be two reasons for me not asking for help. One was that I didn't like being told no. The other was that I was scared to death that if anyone knew I had those thoughts, they'd leave me. Or at least hit the roof.

Well. We see how sick that kind of thinking was, because we can see where it got me. I thank my Higher Power for taking that stinkin' thinkin' away. I'm still not perfect. No one is. But I'm stronger and more self-aware than I have ever been. Again, the program works if ya work it. It really does.

As for the making meetings portion of the topic, I can definitely feel it when I miss one.

Uh oh. Laptop is running out of power. I'll write more tonight.

Peace

Church, Meetings, and Fellowship

Homegroup tonight! Woot! Business meeting before. That'll be an hour of people talking over one another, but I love it. I'd never treated AA as a real fellowship back when I wasn't working a real, proper recovery. Now I have folks who actually seek me out to say "Hello". It's a good feeling to be an active member of that community. They really are some of the best people in the world.

Back in the day, when I was ruled by self-will and arrogance, I'd get to a meeting a few minutes late, watch the clock, maybe share some BS story, and leave a few minutes early. Now I like to get there early and help set up. I enjoy listening to what is said, sharing something meaningful, and staying and chatting a few minutes afterward. It's such an integral part of my recovery. I can be totally down in the dumps on the way to a group, then leave feeling so much better. I thank God for that.

Church is great too. Most of the churches I've been to have had such a positive energy. Church of the Nations, my parents church, my brother's, or Trinity Episcopal. These days I get an automatic sense of serenity before I'm even within 20 feet of the door. That's my Higher Power at work as well. Since I, and I'm quoting here, "Let go and let God", spirituality and church have taken on an all new meaning.

When I was shackled by the disease of alcoholism... or when I was sober but not recovering... pride, arrogance, self-will, egotism, hell even fear kept me from opening up to God, the program, and, certainly not least, growing and connecting with the ones I love. Now I can do those things and the world is a brighter place for it.

On to Step 5

Our men's group speaker was sensational tonight. I've seen the guy around the group several times, but didn't know he had that story in him. I don't like to give much away about our members. I can tell you that his misadventures were like something straight out of a movie. And the way he got into the program was very touching. He was also the spitting image of my Grandpa Melton.

Afterward my sponsor and I went back to his apartment to go over my 4th Step work. We found a pattern of selfishness and ego there. That's for sure. I'm thankful that, with the help of the program and God, I'm coming out of that shell. We'll be meeting again Saturday before work and then again next week to do my 5th Step.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature

of our wrongs.

That's when we sit down in private and I basically tell him my life story. My dad said that may take a while... LOL.

Got a good sponsor, good sobriety, a good support system, and an awesome Higher Power. As long as I stay true to all of that, there's no limit to the awesome things that will be coming my way. :)

Goodnight!