Hope and Faith

The A.A. program is one of faith, hope, and charity. It's a program of hope because when new members come into A.A., the first thing they get is hope. They hear older members tell how they had been through the same kind of hell that they have and how they found the way out through A.A. And this gives them hope that if others can do it, they can do it. Is hope still strong in me?

My hope wavers sometimes. That's when I have to step back and remember to live in the now. It can be a little overwhelming at moments trying to rebuild and redesign a life....

Sometimes things seem to be moving too slowly, or not at all. That's where patience and hard work come into practice.

What reinforces my hope and faith? Seeing how much better things work out and how much easier life is when I keep an even keel and avoid the choppy waters the best I can. Also, like the thought says, seeing firsthand how well other folks are doing by sticking with their programs, following their Higher Power, and living their lives differently.

Sure. It sounds like a lot of work... and it is. But I've found that after time, these things become second nature.

Got a couple of days off that I want to make very productive and I have to be up early, so I'm going to turn in.

Have a good night and God Bless!

The Monday Round-Up

This week starts a new series at Cornerstone Church. The Book of James...

I must try to love all humanity. Love comes from thinking of every man or woman as your brother or sister, because they are children of God. This way of thinking makes me care enough about them to really want to help them. I must put this kind of love into action by serving others. Love means no severe judging, no resentments, no malicious gossip, and no destructive criticism. It means patience, under standing, compassion, and helpfulness.

And there is the thought for the day. I have a hard time not judging other people. Even when I am just as guilty as they are for their supposed transgressions. It's hypocritical, I realize.

Perhaps there is something still in me that makes me feel better about myself if I judge someone as an idiot... The bad driver, the guy who lets his dog poop on the sidewalk, or the person who doesn't even acknowledge you when you say, "Excuse me." as you step aside so they can more easily make their way.

Sure. There are plenty of grossly ill-mannered people out there. None of my business, though.

Jay has enough to concentrate on with Jay. Petty annoyances just add to the stress and bad feelings.

Patience is the key. Seeing folks for what they really are makes a world of difference as well. For better or worse, people are just going to be people.

Restless and Compulsive

What do men really want? What are we seeking? Many of us have felt driven and still feel restless or compulsive at times. We frantically followed our impulses to self-destructive extremes. Even those painful actions of our past were motivated, at the bottom line, by a spiritual search. What did we really seek in the bottle, or in the passionate bed, or in our work? Slowing down enough every day to let ourselves know what we are looking for gives us a much better chance of finding it.

I did something a bit different tonight and shared from Touchstones... That's the daily meditation for men. I just really liked the message and identified with it.

I've had a lot of people ask me over the years what I was looking for. Thing is, I'm not even sure I knew the answer to that. I couldn't slow down enough from partying, drinking, or seeking any other form of impulsive instant gratification to focus on anything important. Too interested in having fun and protecting my own ego to really grow.

The steps taught me to slow down. That anything worth having requires patience, focus, and determination. They also teach me that even the smallest thing that I build or begin in recovery will come crashing down the moment I decide to go back to my old habits.

I find diligence through God, meetings, and good, old-fashioned self-awareness.

You Talkin' To Me?

I was helping some people tonight and one of them made it a point to tell me, "You are a very patient person. You must be in a good mood." I looked around. No one was standing behind me. A little dazed I replied, "Well thank you. Thank you very much." Some say that others usually notice differences in you before you do. It's been a long time since I've heard something like that.

Another thing that occurred to me today was that, until recently, I've never gone to church alone. Not once in 38 years. That's certainly not a bad thing. Just different. It's nice seeing all the families there, though. Gives me something to aim for. ;)

Not much else to write about really. Have to be up very early for work. Got a couple of job interviews this week. Oh.... and the Saints beat the Titans today. WHO DAT?!

Have a good night and a great tomorrow!

When the Rooster Crows

Still sort of early, but I'm closing tonight so I thought I'd record the first part of my day. I got up just as the sun was rising and met my sponsor at Mojo's before the meeting. We chatted for a little while. He asked if there had been anything on my mind since we last met. I told him I was working on patience and tolerance. He gave me some advice and said that he still does too sometimes. Doing better though. I was at Zara's Grocery getting a Diet Coke afterward. They couldn't take a card for payment unless I was spending 5 dollars. Instead of being rude or rolling my eyes I smiled and said, "Ok. Thank you." I didn't have any cash and it would have cost more than the drink to use an ATM. When I went outside, the guy that was behind me asked if I needed money for a coke. It was very nice of him and I told him that I appreciated it very much, but I would just go to the next store and use my card. As a habit, I don't carry much cash. It's safer in the bank.

Anyway. Back to the meeting. The subject was gossip and the harm it can do to recovery if not dealt with correctly. Now I know that there's plenty of talk about me right now (and some not-so-good). I've seen a few things on Facebook that have stung. I've even had to block a couple of people so I couldn't see it. Not sure if that was the right approach or not, but I didn't need it in my recovery. I notice that I've lost a couple of friends on there too. Can't blame them and can't let it bring me down. Maybe the biggest thing I got from the meeting, though, is being more social afterwards. I actually hung around and talked... I never did that. And ya know what? It helps.

After we were done, my sponsor and I walked over to the park and started reading the Big Book. We discussed it a little and parted ways. Told him I'd call him tomorrow. We're meeting again Tuesday to read and talk more. Get my one month chip that night too. Woot!

And for someone who may or may not read this. I know you already know, but I never went to the emergency room. Should have told you a long time ago. Was too afraid to own up. I'm sorry.

Up and Running

I don't usually set my alarm on days when I work late. Normally up at a not-too-disrespectable time. Today, however, I found myself waking up at 10:30. It was hard getting to sleep, but must've slept hard when I finally did. Anyway. I bolted upright and ran to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

Called my sponsor on the way to the streetcar because I don't like to put that off. It was a brief call. The streetcar was pulling up at about the exact time I got to the stop. Found and empty seat too, which is usually a miracle among all the tourists. Very relaxing ride.

Was relieved when I realized that I'd gotten to the Mustard Seed on time. Walked to the back with the hearty anticipation of being able to listen to and share about today's subject. Now the Mustard Seed hops around locations during the week, and I think you can see where this is going. No one was at Immaculate Conception Church. There was a time when I would have said to myself, "Oh well. Guess I'll go grab some lunch." or call Sarah and say, "It's not here today." and go home. I know the other meeting place though. No excuses for a cop-out. I jogged probably 10 blocks to get to St. Patrick's Church. When I arrived, I was a sweaty mess. Almost 10 minutes late, I grabbed a chair and parked beside a lady who had made room for me. Thank you, lady. It turned out that the topic of the day was patience and tolerance.

Patience and tolerance.... Splendid topics for a big bag of ego like me. For someone who thinks that the world works for and revolves around them, these can be a challenge. I listened to the others and frequently found myself thinking, "Oh. Yeah! That's me. That makes sense." When it came time for me to share, I had to try and organize my thoughts. My mind was still racing from the rush. I can be a very impatient person. Somewhere in my mind I have this notion that the world should run on my time. I tend to get very antsy when things are happening slower than I would like. I get annoyed with people in traffic, movie theaters, walking on the sidewalk, at work, at home, restaurants, streetcars..... Ya get the idea. I could probably fill a page. Doing better with it now. I make a conscious effort to catch myself when I feel myself getting judgemental or irritated. Still by no means perfect, but my stepwork will help immensely.

Had a tuna sub in Jackson Square afterward. I listened to a trumpet player perform "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" as I ate. He wasn't exactly a master on the instrument, but I enjoyed it.

The Archdiocese of New Orleans says, "Eat Fresh."

Here at PJ's in my usual seat. Drinking the same vitamin water... enjoying the same view of Canal St. Go to work at 4 again. Same department. Tonight will be another test in patience and tolerance. It's not like I'm in the Quarter scrubbing dumpsters. Sometimes things are only as bad as you make them.

May write more tonight after work.....