Old New Orleans Groups

Got up super early and went straight to work. That went pretty smoothly. Went to my homegroup's business meeting afterward. Now that I really enjoyed. It was our regular bunch... Chatted alot beforehand. One of the ladies and I were talking about how old our group actually is and the traditions it carried. At about 50 years old, it's one of the oldest in New Orleans that is still going. If not, the oldest. I had no idea and am proud to be part of such an enduring institution.

She thought it was interesting that the group started before she started drinking. Heck I can't believe it's been around since before I was born... She also shared that in drinking, she had no interest in tradition or the program. She just wanted to party and have fun. We then discussed the evolution of drinking when I talked about it ceasing to be enjoyable and freeing, and turned into me sitting in my house alone... not answering the door. I learned alot in that brief conversation.

In other news, at our regular meeting, one of our members got her 13 year chip tonight. Two others got a 5 and a 21. Most importantly, though, a young lady got her 24 hour chip. That's one of the biggest moves you can make in recovery!

Have a great night...

Seeing is Believing

People believe in A.A. when they see it work. An actual demonstration is what convinces them. What they read in books, what they hear people say doesn't always convince them. But when they see a real honest to goodness change take place in a person, a change from a drunkard to a sober, useful citizen, that's something they can believe because they can see it. There's really only one thing that proves to me that A.A. works. Have I seen the change in people who come into A.A.?

When I see a group member picking up a 30 year chip, that's all the proof I need that the program works if you put your all into it. I haven't even made it a year yet. I can only imagine what it's like being decades in. It's nice being a functioning member of society too. Still a lot of work ahead and I know that I need to be putting my nose closer to the grindstone. That was a great Thought today!

Work went really well. Just slow and looooong. I'm off tomorrow, though, so that gave me a little light at the end of the tunnel. :)

Well.... It's about time I turned in. Have a great night and a blessed day!

Hospitals and Institutions

Up at the crack of dawn for work. It was a good day, though. Ran non-stop again so I'm kinda looking forward to sleeping in a bit tomorrow.

Homegroup was great. The business meeting was a little more animated than usual. One of the items we discussed was starting H&I at one of the men's shelters. H&I is service work that we do in hospitals and institutions. Usually conducting meetings. I was honored enough to have been asked to chair one a month. Since it would be my first time doing something like that, I told them I felt like I should run it by my sponsor. Shouldn't be a prob.

The regular meeting was good too. We had a member pick up her 30 year chip. I always love seeing that. It's an awesome reminder of how well the program works if you work it...

Getting ready for bed now. May get a little stormy tonight, but that's perfectly ok. I enjoy a good thunderstorm.

Have a peaceful night and a blessed tomorrow!

4 Month Chips and Calls from the Truck Driver

I was so stoked about picking up my 4 month chip at the homegroup tonight! When she got to "3" I was about to jump up, but she then went on to "6".... We don't have a 4 month chip. No biggie, though. I'll just grab one at my next meeting. As I said in my share, it's the actual time that matters.

Not alot to write about from the rest of the day. I will say that it feels good when you check the last thing off your daily errand list. Now I gotta write one for tomorrow.

I got a call from our truck driver while I was at my group. In the voicemail, he said that they had switched routes on him. It's something they do from time to time. Hadn't seen him since Christmas, so I was starting to worry. When I tried calling back, I didn't get an answer. I'll have to try again in the morning... or if something is up hopefully he'll try again.

Well. Before I start winding down (I got up very early today), I thought I'd share the meditation from 24 Hours...

I believe that God had already seen my heart's needs before I cried to Him, before I was conscious of those needs myself. I believe that God was already preparing the answer. God does not have to be petitioned with sighs and tears and much speaking before He reluctantly loses the desired help. He has already anticipated my every want and need. I will try to see this as His plans unfold in my life.

Remember when I said that someone very important to me shared that "God meets us where we are."? It's true. I can tell you that God was reaching out to me way before I finally reached out to him.

Goodnight, world. :)

Anchored in the Stagnant Waters of Bygones

Today marks my 4th month in recovery. Real recovery. Not just sobriety, but also confronting and letting go of my past. Learning to deal with life on life's terms. Now that's an interesting little saying, and I've never bothered to get down to its actual meaning before. Basically... I don't make the rules in a situation I have no control over. That situation being "life". And life can be a bitch. Reminds me of the Serenity Prayer...

God, grant me serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

I'm enthusiastic about the progress that I've made, but I also find myself pausing in solemn reflection. There are some parts of the past months that have been absolute hell. Days... even weeks at a time where my soul hurt so badly that I could feel it physically. Didn't drink over it, though. I stayed plugged into the program instead of withdrawing to the creature comforts of trivial things. Is that pain some kind of penance for all the shitty things I've done in the past? I don't know. Perhaps. If it is, then I've happily paid it... and will probably continue to pay it for a very long time. I can no longer allow it to incapacitate me, however. I feel like I've accomplished alot towards recovery, a foundation for a family, rebuilding relationships with those who are open to it... There's still more to do, though.

I have no illusions of grandeur. I'm no George Bush, flying onto a Naval carrier in a jet and standing under a banner that reads, "Mission Accomplished!" If I truly want to maintain what I've built so far, and build still more upon it, I have to let go of things that have already happened. That's pretty much where steps 4 through 9 come in... and I'm almost done with 9. Still more amends to make, of course. And then there are some that are from years ago that I can't make without hurting others.

I dunno. This is a very tricky subject. I'll need to pray more about it...

In a nutshell, I'm stoked that I've reached another milestone! And I realize that I'm by no means done. Some people ask me how long you have to stay in AA....

Uhhhh. Forever.

That used to scare the crap out of me, but once you open yourself to God and recovery, the rewards are endless.

Anchors aweigh!

The Saddest Amends

Made amends with my biological mom tonight. This will be the only one that I openly write about.

Someone asked me what amends could I possibly need to make with her. Simply saying, "I'm sorry." or "I was wrong about something." isn't what it's all about, though. There's decades of resentment and hurt in that relationship. I followed my sponsor's advice and told her that I didn't always know where she was coming from or what was going on in her life. I then told her I was sorry that I don't see her very often... Or call very often. And I told her that I know I wasn't always the best son. I think she got uncomfortable and changed the topic.

Amends aren't about us, you see. They are for the other person. Yes, we stand to gain from them, but our benefits are purely spiritual. Someone told me how liberating this step is, but I have to say, this particular amends was sad. I'm not sure she totally understood what I was doing or saying, but I got the message across. The heartbreaking thing is, that due to her lifestyle... and our history, we'll never be close.

In brighter news... I picked my chip up at the 12 and 12. That cheered me up. We had alot of newcomers, so we did a group conscience and decided to start back on the 1st step study for them. It was a great meeting.

Well. I have to be up very early, so I'm going to head back and start winding down.

Have a good night and an awesome tomorrow!

3 Month Chips...
Now in Christmas green!

New Chips and Downer Days

Got up. Went to work. And here I am. Back at the Rue writing.

Wasn't able to make a meeting because I got off about an hour too late. I'll have to pick my chip up at the 12 and 12 tomorrow night. Really looking forward to that.

It was kind of a downer day for me. We beat MN, so that pepped me up a bit. Recovery is going very well, and I thank God for that. I have a lot to be grateful for. Thing is... I know she has to heal, but it's just hard when the most important person in your life wont even talk to you. It's hard not being a part of that person's life. Even the everyday stuff like going to Target. It's even harder not knowing when... or if that person is coming back. I deal with that everyday. It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but she's worth the wait. She is so worth the wait. One of the gifts this program has given me (and maybe even her), is that I can show her the love and care that was so difficult to show when I wasn't recovering.

I don't want to do a whole "Woe is me and my painful heart..." post, but that's honestly where I'm coming from today and writing about it helps.

So what happened today that rocked? Hmm... I seem to be getting over my cough. Again, the Saints won. I was a little standoffish about pro-sports after the lockout, but I've mellowed alot lately, and they are great for the city. May not have gotten my chip today, but today is still a milestone in my recovery.

And I spent another day alive and sober on God's Green Earth. Now that, my friend, truly rocks.

Ghosts of Christmas Future

We have a regular who comes into where I work. He's a decent enough guy. Very heavy drinker, though. Scares the hell out of the tourists, but folks on Magazine St. know him and take care of him. He was hanging around outside our doors today and could barely stand up. I guess he'd been at it all night and well into the day. A lady I work with and I helped him down the street to where he stays.

He scares the hell out of me too. I don't judge him at all. It's not my place and I don't know his story. When I look at him, however, I see a future me that could have happened. I see that in every drunk street guy or homeless person living under an overpass. I could say that I'm damned lucky that it never came to that, but "blessed" is more accurate. The future me I prefer is that guy I see standing with his family at church, or putting together a swingset in his back yard, or taking his wife out to dinner for their anniversary...

That's the kind of guy I am and I thank God for it. And my program.

Those are our nieces. Great girls!
God willing, one day this pic will have
our kids in it.

This is not me.
But it's a sobering reminder
of what does happen
to some unfortunate people with the disease.

On a brighter note, I get a new chip tomorrow! And I have begun Step 9! Time to make amends....

Goodnight, all.

Old-Timers and Gumbo

I got to the men's group way early tonight. I figured I'd help set up chairs before the meeting. I actually ended up freezing my butt off for about 40 minutes. No worries, though. I was still where I needed to be.

Eventually someone in the church opened the door for me. I went in, turned on all the lights, put out the chairs, and turned up the heat. A couple of old-timers came in not long after that, and we stood around and chatted. Not about anything in particular. They told some risque jokes, we talked about a painting of Jesus that we see every week but have never taken a good look at, and discussed some recent news story. An old-timer, by the way, is someone with alot of years under their belt.

When the meeting started, we all sat down with our coffee and listened to our moderator. He shared about his beginnings in the program. I came forward afterward and talked about the guy who just approached me about getting sober. Figured it was relevant to the discussion as, hopefully, he'll be working some kind of recovery soon. That's up to him, of course. There are plenty of great sponsors there.

At the end, the guy who picked up his 29 year chip spoke. I thoroughly enjoyed how he described the fellowship. There are people in my meetings from all walks of life. Businessmen, cabdrivers, politicians, plumbers, celebrities and school teachers. It's a room full of people that you would never otherwise see together. Shaking hands and hugging. He said that it was all of us... in that room... that kept him sober. He compared us to a gumbo. The individual ingredients alone don't taste that great, but when you cook it all together, it's delicious. Didn't quite know how to take that, but I clapped for him anyway.

Get Busy, Get Building

It was one of those meetings where ya learn a little about yourself. First of all, though, I would like to say how blessed I was to be there to see someone pick up a 30 year chip and a young lady returned to the group and got a 24 hour chip. Both are equally important, and I was inspired by the courage it took her to come back and get it. There are those who are too ashamed, even me at one time, to do that. Sadly, most of them stay in that same vicious cycle. Shame and embarrassment can be deadly opponents.

The guy who has 30 years shared at the very end. What he said struck a chord with me. It made me realize that, even though at one time my behavior was crazy, we are not crazy people. I'm a good guy who is capable of marvelous things... as long as I don't drink. When that happens I'm just marvelously good at hurting people. Including myself. I'm finally in a position, after struggling with alcoholism for quite a few years, to build the future and the family that I've always wanted to have. That I reached for drunkenly through the steel bars that I put up. It starts now. It started the moment I put down my last drink and said, "Enough."

Life is good and it's about to get amazing.

God and Will

Hey! My favorite comfy chair just opened up at CC's. I'm having a cold ginger peach tea. It's t-shirt and shorts weather in New Orleans in November. Too warm out for a coffee.

Just got back uptown from the Mustard Seed. Finally got my new chip. My sobriety date is the 18th but I've been either having to work, or the meeting I was going to didn't have chips.... Excited to have it, but it's the date that really counts.

The meeting topic was good too. It was about ego, will and how they can interfere with the work of your Higher Power. Now I am still of the school that, for a large part, we make our own decisions and way through life with his guidance. There would be no accountability if we didn't. There are definitely things that God does directly in our lives. I have no doubt about that because I experience it everyday. And God guides us, protects us, gives us courage and wisdom when we ask for it. I ask for it every night. I thank him for keeping me sober another day and for the people he has put in my life. I also thank him for giving me another day on this planet. That's something that I once took as granted. I ask him to help me better myself and to put me in a position where I can better other people. I have some individual people that I pray for and thank him for too. I pray that he sees fit to bring one of those people back into my life. Prayer and faith can move mountains.... in recovery and in everyday living. You just have to give the steering wheel over to him.

That kind of turned into a paragraph about my relationship with God. That's ok, though. Wouldn't be here without him.

Something else from the Mustard Seed that kinda hit home was a lady who shared that she had come to the meeting to be around sober people. She didn't know if she was an alcoholic, but a recent event had shaken her. A neighbor who had just come back from the hospital had died. She described it pretty graphically. I wont do that here. He was at the hospital for some kind of alcohol related problem. When he'd gotten back he was shaking and obviously still detoxing. Don't know why they sent him home. That's a very dangerous time. Well. They found him a couple of days later surrounded by empty bottles. I've known people who have died from this disease and I know that I could very well have ended up like him. Thank God I didn't. And wont.

Working til 10:30 tonight, but I'll write again afterward.

Truck Day and a New Chip

Our truck driver was back today. He was all over the place, and from his behavior, I'd sworn he must've been off his meds. He came up and talked to me a bit after we were all done.

He assured me that he was still taking them. That's something I can only take his word on. I asked about his family and they are doing ok. He's performing his role of father and husband much better. They've been doing alot of family activities. He's still sleeping in a different room, though. He seemed a bit exasperated by that. I told him not to waver. It sounded like he was making real progress and his wife obviously hasn't given up on him. As long as he was doing what he needed to be doing to get better, things would fall into place. That together he and she could save that marriage. They have the advantage of an open line of communication. That, a little willingness, openness, and honesty goes a long way. Whether he sticks to his guns, saves himself and everything he says he holds dear is up to him. I hope it all works out. It would do my heart some good too.

He shared that he is also a little worried about the holidays. He's welcome at his in-laws, but they aren't quite over things yet. I told him that the worst thing he could do is not visit. He still has to make amends to them too. The best way he can win them back is by getting better and showing them how much he loves their daughter and their grand-kids. When they see first hand that he is recovering, and his family is his top priority, they'll eventually come around. It's all about actions. Show me, don't tell me....

Once again... Whether this guy follows through, or not... I don't know. I do know that he is in a much better situation than I am with his partner. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit envious. I'd be lying, too, if I said I wouldn't be a bit disappointed if he threw it all away again and went back out. I have my own recovery, though, and I have to remember that.

It's something that I have immersed myself in. It's become a way of life for me. The things that I do in my program are now things that have just become a part of everyday living. I can't describe the good it is doing. Thank God.

Today is two months for me and I still have no desire to drink. I thank God for that too. I had to work all day and couldn't pick up my chip. I can't remember if my group on Saturday gives out chips or not. I know the Sunday group does... Very enthusiastic about that.

Oh. Want to hear a story about divine intervention? We all know my phone was stolen yesterday. I lost my sponsor's number as a result. After leaving an email for him on his work website and hearing no response, I said to myself, "Maybe I'll see someone from the group who knows him today." Who shows up where I work tonight but my grand-sponsor. Never seen him in there before. Got his number too. I call my sponsor everyday and was worried I'd miss one.

Well. That's it for now. I had some low spots today, but they passed. I hurt alot and miss someone every second of everyday. But I'm being patient, hopeful and am concentrating on recovery. The people in your life may say, "I've heard it all before." When they actually see it happening, however, it becomes something that they can't deny. I'm making it happen.

As long as I'm doing that, life is good.

Short Meetings and Busy Days

Just came out of the Mustard Seed. It was a 17 minute meeting. Weren't many there. Just a handful of us regulars. Someone asked me if it was worth the walk. I answered, "Yeah. It was worth it. I needed to be there." And it was. Just sitting there for that short amount of time helped center me. Plus I have a men's group tonight.

This wont be a long post. Busy day. I have my sponsor to meet, some second job searchin', and of course that later meeting. Will post about the rest of my day after that.

At Mustard Seed we talked about how sticking to the program has not only kept us from drinking, but has also enriched our lives. I've been keeping my nose to the grindstone and it has helped me in ways no one can imagine. I have a two month chip coming up next week. I also have my life back. Almost..... but I'm working on that. It's enriched so many of my relationships too, and I thank God for that. Hopefully it's enriching the most important one as well, but I can't be there to see it. Or talk about it.

I have my ups and downs, but things are going very well. And I am thankful.

Giving Out Chips and All Hallow's Eve... Eve

Corny title, but hey, it's nice to have some of my goofiness back.

Had a good day at work. Had a really good... and surprising meeting too. I got there about 15 minutes early so I went in and helped set up. On my way to the restroom the moderator asked me if I would hand out chips. Not potato chips. Not fish and chips. AA chips. I paused for a moment. I'm always up for any kind of service work that is asked of me. Before I accept it, though, I give my sobriety date. Some service work requires that you've been in the program for a certain amount of time, you see. He said it was ok. It's not a monumental task. Doesn't have to be. I'm just stoked that I got asked... or as he put it "volun-told". It's a small reminder of how far I've come that someone actually singled me out to do something like that. Wouldn't have happened back when I was half-assing it. I just sort of lurked in the shadows back then.

We had a great speaker. He told us his story from when he was in boarding school and kind of sheltered to when he started his drinking career in a college fraternity. After college he said he'd become very successful at his job, but drank non-stop when he got home. His first wife divorced him and took the kids, and his second wife died of complications due to alcoholism. None of this gave him cause to stop himself. He said it wasn't until he'd suffered mild brain damage after an intense bender that he quit. I think the whole room found something to identify with in his story. I certainly did. Oh. I ran into my sponsor there too.

Now, some people have asked me what I'm going as for Halloween. I wince a bit at the question, but then answer that I'm working that night. I usually do something with friends. Dress up and go to a get together, watch a scary movie, then maybe walk up to the cemetery (and take pictures of it through the fence). It's fine though. Can't celebrate them all and I need the money. Gotta prioritize. Anyway... I'm off Wed. so I get to go see Buckwheat Zydeco and The Subdudes! Last free concert in Lafayette Square of the year. Woot.

The Doctor's Opinion

Not that Doctor. I'm not that big of a nerd. My sponsor and I read "The Doctor's Opinion" from the Big Book after the meeting... I picked up my chip tonight (as seen on the right). We had an awesome topic too. Honesty. Now I'll discuss what I got from our reading after I share with you what I shared this evening at the group.

I hadn't even planned on speaking tonight, but I was getting too many "Oh Yeah..." moments from listening to the others. There was a lot of laughter from hearing some the misadventures such as when someone got a flat and changed the wrong tire. Mine was when my friend and I frequented a karaoke bar in Anchorage. We always had some kind of plan for picking up the ladies. One night I leaned in and told him that we were using our Scottish accents tonight.... because what woman doesn't go crazy for a bad, obviously fake accent. And my friend is Polynesian. It was butt-headed unrealistic thinking. Things got more serious when I moved on to the days when I would seclude myself and not want to see anyone. I built, as I call them, alternate realities. Layers of lies that I even believed myself. And maintaining these fake realities, building upon them was a full-time job and became exhausting. Inevitably, the walls would come crashing down around me and damage the ones I love most. I shared how I had found a new honesty by opening up to recovery and writing on these very pages. You, dear reader, are one of the reasons I was able to pick up that chip tonight. Thank you again.

Here's an excerpt from The Big Book that I wanted to post. From The Doctor's Opinion in the front. I've linked them in case anyone is interested. Here goes.

"If any feel that as psychiatrists directing a hospital for alcoholics we appear somewhat sentimental, let them stand with us a while on the firing line, see the tragedies, the despairing wives, the little children; let the solving of these problems become a part of their daily work, and even of their sleeping moments, and the most cynical will not wonder that we have accepted and encouraged this movement. We feel, after many years of experience, that we have found nothing which has contributed more to the rehabilitation of these men than the altruistic movement now growing up among them.

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.

On the other hand—and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand—once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules."

I believe the psychic change he speaks of comes after the moment of clarity. When the realization comes upon one that he or she cannot continue without destroying his or herself and the ones they hold dear. When their eyes are finally open to the damage they've caused and are genuinely remorseful. This is when I opened up and decided to work my recovery. I have become more honest with myself and everyone around me. I heard someone say earlier that it was nice being able to tell the truth without hurting people.

It's a wonderful feeling to finally be free of the chains of alcoholism. One day at a time.

Missing Angels and Making Lemonade

Hey! It's Oct. 18th! My journey in recovery is a month old! I ran into my sponsor at the Mustard Seed meeting. He was on his way into the church for Mass. In the meeting we had a great, almost intimate discussion about the program, what brought us there, and how we stay in it. Not a big group, so it's easy to get talk time. Talked to the moderator for a bit afterward. She's a tough old gal with a heart of gold. Always glad to see her walk in.

Replica of one of my favorite statues.

Found it in the courtyard before my meeting

On my way to get lunch, I nearly freaked when I realized my card wasn't in my wallet. Ends up I left it at the restaurant last night. Then I got to PJ's and all of the tables were taken. You may say I went for an upgrade. I'm sitting in the Royal Sonesta Hotel's PJ's right now. Nice leather chair, CNN on the flatscreen, and plenty of AC. I may have to change my regular spot. Sometimes when life gives you lemons, a little patience and perseverance mixes to make the best lemonade.

I go tonight to pick up my chip. My sponsor will be there and some folks that I'm getting acquainted with. One person will be missing, however, and that is the person I wanted to share it with most of all.

One Month's Eve

Little late getting back. Went for gumbo with a new friend who has never been to New Orleans. Made my 12&12 meeting at Rayne Memorial Church. Aaaaaaand tomorrow night I pick up my one month chip. May not seem too special, but for some it's a milestone. Plus I plan for it to be my last one month chip. (Yep. I've had several.) Gonna hang with my sponsor afterward and read some more from the Big Book.

Second half of the day was a bit interesting. The Preacher, whom I've mentioned previously, sat beside me at PJ's. I kinda like his style so I leaned over and told him that if he ever wanted to write something, I'd post it for him. His eyes got wide and he asked me if everyone in the world could see it. Quickly I responded by saying everyone in the world has access to it. Almost everyone. "Can I start a blog?", he then asked. This was no longer a simple situation, but I didn't mind at all. I said anyone could, just go to so-and-so dot com and set it up. It turns out that he doesn't know much about the internet, so I set it up for him.

Have you seen this man?

If you travel up and down Canal Street during the day, you have.

He preaches on the corner of Decatur. With a megaphone.

I got him set up as best I could, then told him I had an AA meeting to go to. When it's ready, I'll post a link...

Well. That's about all I got. Have a few other things I want to write about, but I'll save them for tomorrow. Teresa and I were discussing the differences between abstinence and recovery, and I want to dedicate a post to how it was being an active alcoholic in New Orleans.