Restless and Compulsive

What do men really want? What are we seeking? Many of us have felt driven and still feel restless or compulsive at times. We frantically followed our impulses to self-destructive extremes. Even those painful actions of our past were motivated, at the bottom line, by a spiritual search. What did we really seek in the bottle, or in the passionate bed, or in our work? Slowing down enough every day to let ourselves know what we are looking for gives us a much better chance of finding it.

I did something a bit different tonight and shared from Touchstones... That's the daily meditation for men. I just really liked the message and identified with it.

I've had a lot of people ask me over the years what I was looking for. Thing is, I'm not even sure I knew the answer to that. I couldn't slow down enough from partying, drinking, or seeking any other form of impulsive instant gratification to focus on anything important. Too interested in having fun and protecting my own ego to really grow.

The steps taught me to slow down. That anything worth having requires patience, focus, and determination. They also teach me that even the smallest thing that I build or begin in recovery will come crashing down the moment I decide to go back to my old habits.

I find diligence through God, meetings, and good, old-fashioned self-awareness.

Back Again!

When trouble comes, do not say: "Why should this happen to me?" Leave yourself out of the picture. Think of other people and their troubles and you will forget about your own. Gradually get away from yourself and you will know the consolation of unselfish service to others. After a while, it will not matter so much what happens to you. It is not so important any more, except as your experience can be used to help others who are in the same kind of trouble.

I haven't written anything new for a few days. Where there's nothing wrong a little break every now and then, sometimes a break leads to procrastination and then complacency... In my opinion there's no worse enemy to the recovering addict than complacency.

The passage for tonight is the day's meditation from the 24 Hr.s book.

Alcoholics are pros at playing the victim when things go wrong. I know, for me, when things went wrong it was almost invariably my own fault. In realizing that and dealing with my personailty defects by working the steps, I've been better able to take what I've learned to other addicts and help in any way I responsibly can.

There's a friend from my homegroup that I ran into yesterday who had relapsed. The poor gal was still detoxing. I saw in her what I must have looked like after alot of my binges. Clammy, sweaty, anxious, uncertain, broken.... I talked to her for a little while. Tried not to offer alot of advice, but I did offer several options. She seemed the most responsive to the idea of going straight to a meeting and talking with a female member.

Hope nothing but the best for the young lady.

Just watched "We Bought A Zoo" with someone special. Awesome freakin movie... Bad title. Now about to head to bed.

Good night and God Bless!

Business and Acceptance

I really enjoyed my homegroup's business meeting this evening. Folks are getting to know me better, I'm getting more comfortable, and getting more active.

After that we had our regular meeting. The moderator's topic was acceptance. I shared that acceptance for me was realizing things like I can never drink again, that I'm an alcoholic, knowing I'd have to make some serious life changes... and being ok with all of that. The very first of the 12 steps is all about acceptance. Accepting and admitting the fact that we're powerless.

It's been a lovely, full day and I'm grateful. Here's today's meditation.

Be calm, be true, be quiet. Do not get emotionally upset by anything that happens around you. Feel a deep, inner security in the goodness and purpose in the universe. Be true to your highest ideals. Do not let yourself slip back into the old ways of reacting. Stick to your spiritual guns. Be calm always. Do not talk back or defend yourself too much against accusation, whether false or true. Accept abuse as well as you accept praise. Only God can judge the real you.

Words to live by! I absolutely love it. Have a great night and God Bless!

As Good as the Next Person

Before I met A.A., I was very dishonest. I lied to my spouse constantly about where I had been and what I'd been doing. I took time off from my work and pretended I'd been sick or gave some other dishonest excuse. I was dishonest with myself, as well as with other people. I would never face myself as I really was or admit when I was wrong. I pretended to myself that I was as good as the next person, although I suspected I wasn't. Am I now really honest?

I totally agree with everything that I read in today's thought... Except for one item.

I had myself fooled into thinking that I was as good as the next person? Sure. I did some really crappy things to a lot of people. Folks who by no means deserved that behavior. Was I a bad human being? No.

Even in the height of my addiction, I'd still have given another the shirt off my back. I was never some evil kind of monster...

I was very selfish in my actions. I didn't give a lot of thought to consequences. And yes... I called in to work often. Those behaviors began to away when I first started my steps and reconnected with God.

I'm very grateful! Have a good night...

6 Months Old

Wow. Doesn't feel like it's been that long. How did I do it? Well... The thought for the day just about sums it up.

When we alcoholics first come into A.A. and we face the fact that we must spend the rest of our life without liquor, it often seems like an impossibility to us. So A.A. tells us to forget about the future and take it one day at a time. All we really have is now. We have no past time and no future time. As the saying goes: "Yesterday is gone, forget it; tomorrow never comes, don't worry; today is here, get busy." All we have is the present. The past is gone forever and the future never comes. When tomorrow gets here, it will be today. Am I living one day at a time?

We can't live our lives stressed about the future or a possible outcome that may never be. We can't live our lives haunted by a past we can't change. We can only learn from it.

I have today. With God's help I know I wont drink. I know that I can maintain my serenity and complete the tasks at hand. I know that I'm a more effective, more productive person.

I've done alot in these 6 months. Made my quality of life much better, did 12 life-changing steps, and have mended some relationships that I had neglected before.

I thank God and the folks who stood behind me for making it possible.

Have a great night, world!

Much love. -Jay

My First H&I

Well. I did my first H&I meeting tonight. I think I did ok. Kinda scary at first because my speakers were 10 minutes late. They went to the New Orleans Mission by mistake. That was a long 10 minutes. I had to go ahead and start on time while thinking to myself, "What am I going to talk about if these guys don't show?" My mind is racing for a topic to use as a plan B. Being an introductory meeting for AA, I decided to start a discussion about the steps. I'm sitting there doing the best I can, but still nervously rambling about some of the hurdles I hit in my amends. Thank God the speakers walked in when they did.

It turned into a very good meeting. A bit of a different animal than the ones I'm used to, though. Some of these guys are hardened criminals. Some are just at rock bottom with nowhere to go. A place I know only too well. Only through the grace of God do I no longer find myself there. And only by that grace, I will never find myself there again. Everyone was nice, however, and welcomed me right in. My next one is in April and I may be picking up more than one a month. I look forward to working with these guys. I just have to remember my limits. Still not qualified enough to go around giving all kinds of advice. This is very serious stuff.

Gotta be up super early tomorrow, so I'm going to go ahead and wind down. It's going to be a very busy day, but I'll have my homegroup to look forward to at the end of it. :)

Goodnight!

The Divine Spark

The elimination of selfishness is the key to happiness and can only be accomplished with God's help. We start out with a spark of the Divine Spirit but a large amount of selfishness. As we grow and come in contact with other people, we can take one of two paths. We can become more and more selfish and practically extinguish the Divine Spark within us, or we can become more unselfish and develop our spirituality until it becomes the most important thing in our lives.

So at what point in my life did the Divine Spark begin to diminish? It was well before my career as an alcoholic, I can promise you. The more I think about it, the more I believe that there is a good possibility that I've always been a bit of a brat. Somewhere in my young life, I developed a very unhealthy sense of entitlement.

It's a hard mentality to overcome, but rediscovering my Higher Power, working the steps, and a little growing up is helping to defeat that character flaw.

I'm grateful for today's meditation. It's given me something to reflect on.

The day went well. Work was fine. Just getting ready for a busy week. I hope everyone had a great day too. Going to leave you with a vid I made back in.... October I think. It's from the Crescent City Blues and BBQ Festival. What a wonderful time that was! Thought I'd share something fun.

Goodnight!

Impulse and Actuality

"Your feelings aren't always an indicator of how you are doing."

I heard that tonight and really liked it. Sometimes things aren't nearly as bad as I think they are, but in the past, my reactions to my feelings led me down a very detrimental path. I was talking to one of my fellow Round Table members about the steps. How I think that when the correct one is applied to a certain situation I might impulsively act on, when actually worked, it gives me a broader view of things. It slows me down, but in a good way.

Got there early and helped set up. Enjoyed some good conversation. Had a great topic. Our speaker started the discussion on staying plugged in. It was awesome listening to all the old-timers tell their stories. How they went from seeing their relatives hide the valuables when they came to visit to having families of their own. Talking proudly of their grand-kids. What a wonderful incentive to live a better life. Make myself better for me so I can create some love and joy in this world.

Well. I had a very physical day at work, so I'm going to go ahead and put my feet up. Mardi Gras parades start tomorrow uptown. Commuting is about to become very interesting.

Have a great night and God bless!

Assets and Liabilities

I talked to my sponsor and we're supposed to meet up Sunday. We're going to talk about moving on to step 10. He finally agreed that I should hold off on certain amends until a more appropriate time. I approached him and told him that some of the people in my life just aren't ready to hear from me.

Had a pretty good day. Time went fairly quickly at work. I read the Thought for the Day first thing when I got back....

When we think about having a drink, we're thinking of the kick we get out of drinking, the pleasure, the escape from boredom, the feeling of self-importance, and the companionship of other drinkers. What we don't think of is the letdown, the hang over, the remorse, the waste of money, and the facing of another day. In other words, when we think about that first drink, we're thinking of all the assets of drinking and none of the liabilities. What has drinking really got that we haven't got in A.A.? Do I believe that the liabilities of drinking outweigh the assets?

I can assure you, dear reader, that there are far more liabilities than there are "assets" when you go back out. That knowledge is but one of the many things that keeps me sober and recovering. I'd much rather be in a room in fellowship with my fellow AA members than sitting in some dark corner by myself, wasting my life, and destroying the ones I love. I'm really grateful for the message today, because I am one of those people who used to ignore the consequences for my own selfish pursuits. That doesn't just include alcohol. I was a very impulsive person.

Well. I have a very early day tomorrow, so I'm going to wind down early.

Goodnight. :)

No more dark rooms for me...

The Right Thing Concerning Amends

Just had an interesting conversation with my friend Mr. Lewis. He's an old school New Orleanian... If Billy Dee Williams' dad lived here, that would be him. He dropped me off from work and we just chatted about the city on the way.

Had an interesting conversation earlier, too, about amends. That one wasn't so light-hearted. Basically, I'm getting pressure from my sponsor to talk to people who are not ready to hear from me yet. They have stuff going on in their lives, and they certainly haven't gotten to a point where they'd be ok talking to me. They may never be. I hope that isn't the case though.

This is where I have to consider bringing harm to a situation. In my heart and my mind, I feel like this is one of those where I should wait until they are in a better place before contacting them. One should be bold and forthright in their steps and amends, but also humble and responsible.

You can't become complacent. It's not something that should have a time limit, either, though. Still conflicted and still praying about it. I may just have to sit down with the guy and say, "Look. Even if they want nothing to do with me right now (and for good reason), these are people that I love and have promised to protect. If the best thing I can do for them is leave them alone a little longer, let them heal some, and approach them when they are ready, then that is what I'm going to do." We may be able to move on from there into my last steps. I've made amends with just about everyone else. There are still a few I haven't tracked down yet. Or he may resign as my sponsor, in which case, I immediately find another one. He's a great guy, so I hope it doesn't come to that. I'm not going to create a potentially harmful situation, however, if it's just to get to step 10. I'll make my amends with them for the right reason and because I want to. Not as an assignment.

Or I could be completely wrong. If so, please don't hesitate with some input. The best person I could talk to about it is in bed right now, and I don't want to wake her up. She gets too little sleep as it is. Maybe I can talk to her soon.

I'm going to read for a bit then doze off myself.

Goodnight, World....

Crowded Days

I will take the most crowded day without fear. I believe that God is with me and controlling all. I will let confidence be the motif running through all the crowded day. I will not get worried, because I know that God is my helper. Underneath are the everlasting arms. I will rest in them, even though the day is full of things crowding in upon me.

That's the daily meditation from 24 Hours. Man I wish I would've read that before my day started. It was pretty hectic. I don't know what was going around town. Mardi Gras doesn't go into full swing until next month.

I have to say, though, that through working the steps I am more confident and decisive in hectic situations. Sure, I had to deal with some chaos at work today, but I kept my serenity. I was significantly less easy to frustrate than I once was. There was a time in my addiction when, if a situation got too difficult, things were just alot easier for me if I shut down completely. Did I get anything accomplished that way? Of course not. And it hurt people too.

Now I prefer to take challenging situations head-on and look at them positively. No matter how bad or complicated or overwhelming they may be. Life becomes so much easier when ya realize that God's got your back!

Goodnight...

Candlelight Meetings and Championship Games

Just got back from our meeting at halftime. Bama is winning 9-0 against LSU. Sorry Bammers. My loyalty lies with the Tigers. Even if they aren't orange and blue....

The meeting was ok. It was one I've never been to. Not many of the members seemed very serious about recovery. When here, I prefer the old-fashioned country groups with all the old-timers. What did make this one stand out was that it was a candlelight meeting. Never been to one of those. I really liked that.

The topic was a very important one. Having a sponsor. I shared about the difference it's made in my life and how vital it is toward working your steps. To work an effective recovery, it's best to have an experienced person to guide you through it.

The rest of the day was great. Spent half of it with Teresa and the baby she nannies. Hung out with my dad in his shop. Watched some American Pickers. And now I'm seeing what happens with this championship game. Gonna eat some ravioli too. Geaux Tigers!

Goodnight and have a blessed day tomorrow...

What's Different?

Our moderator at the "After Work" group started us on the topic of steps 4 and 5. I finished these steps not too long ago, so they were still pretty fresh on my mind. 6 and 7 also fall into alignment with these. Finished those very recently so I was eager to share. Unfortunately my cough precluded me from doing much talking at either meeting today. All I could really do effectively was sit there, listen, and chew on cough drops....

The themes from everyone's moral inventories were pretty similar. Learning to lie and manipulate from very early on all the way up to the time we enter an earnest recovery. None of our stories are very unique. Our self-centeredness and ego plague us and our loved ones until we say, "Enough." Until we start working those steps. Until we turn it over to God. Ego quickly turns to humility, much to the amazement of the alcoholic and those around them.

A guy shared, tonight, that one of his relatives asked him what was different this time. Being used to the question he started to answer, but they cut him off. "Something really is different. what is it?" He told them that he was honestly working his steps and doing the program as suggested in the Big Book. Same story for me... People notice a definite difference. And the same as him, I'm actually working the program. Not just going and sitting and waiting for an hour to be up. That never kept me sober... And it sure as hell wasn't recovery.

Other news... Hmm. I pick up another chip Sunday, my sponsor is making gumbo for some of us Monday, will hopefully have a new place by Wed. (Luckily there's no lease involved where I'm looking, a guy at the group has a 3 bedroom house uptown and asked if I wanted to be a roomie. I won't be there long-term, but it's a big step up.), decided to use my income tax this year to look at making a down payment on a car. Some of this is future stuff and subject to change, of course. That's the plan, though.

Sat at Audubon Park before my meeting today. Here's a picture of a turkey duck. Goodnight!

I'm Back!

I know... It wasn't even 24 hours. Just thought I'd post a really quick heads-up. Found a replacement piece that fits my charger so I don't have to go out and buy a new one. Woot!

I'm about to head up to my men's group then meet with my sponsor about my next steps. I'll write about it afterwards.

Off the next two days too. Not a bad day so far.

Kleenex and Amends

Last night's meeting was sad. Our moderator started the topic of making amends. She then went on to share that she was glad she had done so with her father when she did. Not too long afterward, she was called out of state to see him as he was on his deathbed. She said that if those amends hadn't been made, she wouldn't have gone and he would have passed alone.

I think that turned the topic more toward making amends with your loved ones, because you never know how long you have with them. My service work for the meeting became "kleenex runner".

There was regret for the people who didn't get the chance to make things right with their family or friends who are no longer with us. They had to do what we call "Graveside Amends". There were people who were relieved that they got to reconnect with those they pushed away before they were gone.

I felt the need to share about my biological mom. She's still with us. I don't talk to her often. When I do, it's just to make sure she's ok. I told the group that at one time I would've said, "What do I need to make amends with her for?!" Or "She should be making amends with me." That's not what the step, or life, is about though. I thought maybe I could apologize for resenting her all these years. Or maybe the small stuff, like running her phone bill sky high one time. That's a tough one and it's going to take alot of thought. Steps 8 and 9 are just around the corner....

Well. I have to be at work soon, but I'll post again afterward. Take care, all!

Small Groups

Feeling much better today. I slept like a rock last night. It was a very eventful day and I was getting the crud, so I suppose I needed to be unconscious for about 9 hours. Still coughing a little, but I'm relieved I didn't wake up with the flu or something....

Had a good meeting at Mustard Seed today. There were only five of us guys, but I enjoy the really small groups. The topic was change. More specifically, leaving our addiction and old behavior behind us and becoming the people we were meant to be. I shared that it was funny how these topics come up and seem to coincide with what is happening in our lives. I told the guys about my fifth step from yesterday, and about how I'm working on 6 and 7 right now (see previous post). Very exciting stuff.

Well. I have to be somewhere by 4, so I'd better run. I have my homegroup later too. I decided that for tonight I would post something fun. Maybe a video or two. Haven't decided yet.

Til then, I hope you have a great rest of your day.

Iron It Out a Little

I could've drank tonight, but I didn't. I could have walked 3 blocks down, gotten blasted, and gone home with some total stranger. Just for 4 or 5 hours of meaningless comfort, and no one would have been the wiser. I chose not to. That's not who I am now. I suffered tonight. I took a big hit. Tomorrow, though, I will get up, go to work, and push forward. I will let nothing sway me and nothing will cause me to falter in my program. But it's not going to be easy.

Tonight was the ultimate test of my recovery. I hurt now, but if I fell, I would most certainly hurt later.

This is the hardest time of my life. Without my program and my higher power, I have no idea what I would do. I don't want to know.

There are only a few things that keep me going. Literally keep me going. Recovery, the support of my family, and working to provide a future for Sarah and me.... even if I have to do the last one by myself for now. She's healing too and I promised not to contact her again until she is ready. It may be a long time, but I'll wait. Faithfully.

As long as I'm alone here, I have some very trying times ahead. I'll have to face them by myself. There will be some things even my sponsor can't help me with. I'd like to say that I at least have friends here that will be there for me, no matter what, but I can't. It's all up to me. The person I used to hate the most. I will have to find strength in myself. Strength that will be forged from doing my steps and remaining honest. And the strength that is gained from the love I have for the person I came back to be with.

Tonight has taught me one thing. Things aren't about to get any easier. As long as I have my recovery, my folks, and the love of one certain young lady, I can tackle them one by one... One day at a time.