The Prodigal Son (Cornerstone Church Service from 7-1-12)

Here it is! The Cornerstone sermon from Sunday. Sorry I was a bit late posting....

Was at my homegroup tonight. It was a great meeting. Had a really good speaker. It was hard for me to pay attention, however, due to the over-powering smell of alcohol coming from my neighbor's breath. I don't mean the smell of alcohol that was consumed during the day today, I mean the smell of alcohol that has been consumed for the past few days straight. I finally had to get up and walk outside because I was starting to gag.

I'm not trying to imply that the guy shouldn't have been there. Actually, I can't think of a better place for him to have been. He's a regular too. Every Thursday night. Really nice guy, but not quite right in the head. I don't judge him and I didn't say anything to my fellow members. I'm sure that after all this time they know.

I wish him well, and I hope I see him again next Thursday (just not going to sit by him).

Afterwards I found out that we aren't hosting meetings at the men's shelter anymore. Very sad to hear it, but none of the guys staying there attended.

All-in-all it was a good day though. Of course, as they say, anyday above ground is a good day. ;)

Good night and God Bless!

Life and What You Put Into It

As I look back over my drinking career, have I learned that you take out of life what you put into it? When I put drinking into my life, did I take out a lot of bad things? Hospitals with the D.T.'s? Jails for drunken driving? Loss of job? Loss of home and family? When I put drinking into my life, was almost everything I took out bad?

I didn't get much out of life spending those days walled up, drinking one bottle after another. Didn't contribute much to the folks around me either. It was just one catastrophe after another. Lose a job, get another, start to rebuild, then knock it all down again.

With alcohol out of the equation it's so much easier to focus on the tasks at hand. Relationships are so much more fulfilling. Life is easier to deal with on it's own terms.

Work went well today. Talked to my uncle and he is doing a lot better. Gotta be up early tomorrow, so I'll be hitting the hay early. Looking forward to my homegroup and taco salad Thursday!

Goodnight...

Scary Statistics

I was just going over some statistics for my next H&I meeting. Some were shocking. Some were not surprising at all. I really wanted to share some of these...

Each year, a typical young person in the United States is inundated with more than 1,000 commercials for beer and wine coolers and several thousand fictional drinking incidents on television.

Alcohol is involved in 50% of all driving fatalities.

In the United States, every 30 minutes someone is killed in an alcohol related traffic accident.

Over 15 million Americans are dependent on alcohol. 500,000 are between the age of 9 and 12.

Each year the liquor industry spends almost $2 billion dollars on advertising and encouraging the consumption of alcoholic beverages.

Americans spend over $90 billion dollars total on alcohol each year.

An average American may consume over 25 gallons of beer, 2 gallons of wine, and 1.5 gallons of distilled spirits each year.

Pregnant women who drink are feeding alcohol to their babies. Unfortunately the underdeveloped liver of the baby can only burn alcohol at half the rate of its mother, so the alcohol stays in the baby's system twice as long.

Each year students spend $5.5 billion on alcohol, more then they spend on soft drinks, tea, milk, juice, coffee, or books combined.

56% of students in grade 5 to 12 say that alcohol advertising encourages them to drink.

6.6% of employees in full time jobs report heavy drinking, defined as drinking five or more drinks per occasion on five or more days in the past 30 days.

The highest percentage of heavy drinkers (12.2%) is found among unemployed adults between the age of 26 to 34

Up to 40% of all industrial fatalities and 47% of industrial injuries can be linked to alcohol consumption and alcoholism.

In 2000, almost 7 million persons age 12 to 20 was a binge drinker; that is about one in five persons under the legal drinking age was a binge drinker.

The 2001 survey shows 25 million (one in ten) Americans surveyed reported driving under the influence of alcohol. This report is nearly three million more than the previous year. Among young adults age 18 to 25 years, almost 23% drove under the influence of alcohol.

Drunk driving is proving to be even deadlier then what we previously know. The latest death statistics released by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA), using a new method of calculation show that 17,488 people where killed in alcohol related traffic accidents last year. This report represents nearly 800 more people where killed than the previous year.

Alcohol is the number 1 drug problem in America.

43% of Americans have been exposed to alcoholism in their families.

Nearly one out of 4 Americans admitted to general hospitals have alcohol problems or are undiagnosed alcoholics being diagnosed for alcohol related consequences.

Alcohol and alcohol related problems is costing the American economy at least $100 million in health care and lost of productivity every year.

Four in ten criminal offenders report alcohol as a factor in violence.

Among spouse violence victims, three out of four incidents were reported to have involved alcohol use by the offender.

In 1996, local law enforcement agencies made an estimated 1,467,300 arrests nationwide for driving under the influence of alcohol.

10 Things I'm Powerless Over in Alcohol

I've been looking over some old posts. It's a great thing when you can look back and tangibly see how much you've grown. Here's one of my favorites from back in October...

This one is going to be a downer. It will sound like a pity party (and perhaps it will be). Any active users out there can take it as a cautionary piece, though. So I'll print it.

I met with my sponsor after work. Showed him my list of things I felt powerless over in active alcoholism. I decided to show it to him before posting it here. He liked it, and we discussed it in-depth, but he was looking for something a little different. I'll go into that in a minute.... And show you my list.

After we met, I called Teresa and dad. Talked to them for a few.

After I got off the phone and continued walking back to the place, an overwhelming feeling of loneliness came over me. It was a very palpable, almost physical feeling of pain. I say "was". I mean "is". These past few weeks have been horrendous in some ways. An emotional roller coaster. Not everything has been bad, though. I've had some really good times. I haven't let the bad effect my recovery. Actually recovery helps. I don't know what I'd do if I weren't active in the program. Well. I do know. I'd be drunk right now.

It's a beautiful day, it's Halloween weekend, and I have no one to share it with. Or that wants to share it with me. It's nobody's fault but my own. I know that. But it still hurts like hell. Words can't describe how horrible it feels to have friends and the person you love most turn their backs on you. To be an outsider and no one will allow you to even look in. Take that as a word of advice that I can give if you are out there currently suffering the disease. It may not happen, but usually it does. You lose people over your addiction.

When I was active, I was powerless over just about every aspect of my life. I showed my sponsor my list, and while he thought it was good stuff, he wanted something more specific. I think it's important to note that these are things I feel I was powerless over because I was too damn stubborn to work a real program and fix them. I'm not using "powerlessness" as an out or a justification. The list doesn't exactly match up with the subject, either, but I still got a lot out of writing it. Maybe you could consider them more symptoms of a disease I was powerless over.

1) Lack of control over emotions. Anger, frustration, anxiety. When active or even sober and not recovering, I've found that I crumpled to these emotions very easily.

2) Finding solace and escape in trivial things. Facebook, Doctor Who, video games. My sponsor said they weren't bad things to enjoy. Just not as a crutch and not to get away from feelings and reality.

3) Inability to express emotion or love. This is something that has developed over many years and was compounded by alcoholism.

4) Taking things like hobbies, etc. to extremes. Example: Being on vacation and spending more quality time with the camera than the one I should be enjoying it with.

5) Compulsive and impulsive behavior. Regardless of the consequences.

6) Withdrawal and seclusion from social interaction and from those I love. Such as coming home from work and automatically going to hide in my own little world to avoid facing people or situations.

7) Doing things that hurt the ones I love. Whether intentionally or not, I still did some very hurtful things. Lying, manipulating.... You name it, I am accountable for it.

8) Complacency. Before I realize it, it's already been there for a while. This has seriously hurt any attempt at recovery I've made in the past.

9) Losing interest in things that seem too challenging.... or even scary. Facing my problems head-on being a big one.

10) Lack of patience. Desire for instant gratification.

I was told that these are problems almost every alcoholic faces, and was assured that it gets so much better as you work the steps. I'm on number one now. I was also told to keep the list and make a portfolio from all my written work. As I progress, I'll be able to look back and see just how far I've come.

My new assignment is to write at least 5 (more specific) things I'm powerless over. The first one that came to mind was "drinking while knowing it would destroy my relationship". He said that that was what he was looking for. We're meeting again in the middle of the week.

Quality Porch Time

Just finished a late dinner and am getting ready to call it a night soon. It was a great day. Made a meeting, got a couple of things done, and hung out on the porch chatting with neighbors. It was a beautiful day for porch time... The sun came out, there was plenty of shade, and a cool breeze. Really enjoyed sitting back and watching the world whiz by. I should mention that the bottom step is perhaps 10 feet from the side of Napoleon Ave. Lot's of traffic, but peaceful nonetheless. (Nothing beats my folks porch in Georgia, though!)

I've been reading a book by Darrell Hammond of SNL fame called God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F@##ed. I've mentioned it here before. It deals with his life of addiction and abuse. I found an NPR interview from a while back where he talks about it. Some of it reminds me of the secret life I once led of drinking, suffering, and pain. It's indescribable and you feel you can't talk about it without being found out. I endured that for a long time to protect my disease. That fear and pride caused untold damage.

His story isn't identical to mine, of course. Actually our stories are quite dissimilar except for the alcohol. That poor guy went through alot of crap. Here's a link to his interview... This is pretty heavy stuff and may not be for everyone.

Darrell Hammond Interview on Fresh Air 11-07-11

I'm going to grab a snack and watch a little TV. Have a great night, world, and a blessed day tomorrow!

A Farewell to Meat

Liquor used to be my friend. I used to have a lot of fun drinking. Practically all the fun I had was connected with drinking. But the time came when liquor became my enemy. I don't know just when liquor turned against me and became my enemy, but I know it happened, because I began to get into trouble. And since I realize that liquor is now my enemy, my main business is keeping sober. Making a living or keeping house is no longer my main business. It's secondary to the business of keeping sober. Do I realize that my main business is keeping sober?

Keeping sober above all else may seem a bit selfish to some. I realized a while back, though, that I'm no good to anyone unless I'm in recovery.

Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday. The end of the Mardi Gras season. So long, Carnival! A farewell to flesh... or meat. It's traditionally the beginning of fasting for Lent. One last, big blowout before giving stuff up for God. More than that, however, it's a spiritual challenge to ourselves. I gave up meat (except for seafood) one year. No one really understood why I did it. I'm not Catholic. It was just a personal test of will.

Going to try and make Zulu tomorrow morning. Rex rolls at 10. After that we'll see about 200 big trucks honking horns at full blast for the Elk's parade. There's a video below that I made from last year's. Imagine if the vid was 2 hours long... That's exactly what the Elk's parade is like. What's awesome is that we have a Krewe rolling after Elks. It was postponed from Saturday because of the rain.

Well. I have to be up early, so I'm going to go ahead and wind down. Happy Mardi Gras and God bless!

BTW... I've decided to give up astro-engineering for Lent this year. It'll be hard, but I can do it. ;)

Held Hostage By Bacchus

Fitting that for so many years I allowed myself to be a prisoner of alcohol and tonight I was literally a captive of Bacchus (the Roman god of wine and intoxication). I was on my way home and couldn't cross St. Charles or Napoleon because of the Bacchus parade. I always enjoy it, so I wasn't too disappointed about being stuck. Was hoping to see Will Ferrell though. He was king this year.

I've been talking alot about Mardi Gras, but I haven't been taking many pictures. Here's a link to a page on my photography website. It's a very small gallery from last years parades and some pics I took around town.

Mardi Gras 2011

Not the shutterbug I used to be. I used to concentrate more on taking pictures than actually enjoying the moment and connecting with the ones I love. I decided a while back that if something trivial started getting in the way of what was really important, I'd cut waaaay back on it. Facebook, Doctor Who, video games... You get the idea.

Bout to eat a late dinner then go to bed. Have a great night and God bless!

5 Months In!

Didn't make any parades today. The day ones were postponed because of the weather. Works out kinda well, though. I had to work, and they were moved to times that I could see them. Still not sure if Endymion ran. That's the evening parade. I have my own special reason for not caring about that one.

In other news... Today marks 5 months of recovery for me! I am so blessed to have such an awesome support system. Without God, my sponsor, and my peeps, it wouldn't have been possible. I am so grateful to you all.

After I became an alcoholic, alcohol poisoned my love for my family and friends, it poisoned my ambition, it poisoned my self-respect. It poisoned my whole life, until I met A.A. My life is happier now than it has been for a long time. I don't want to commit suicide. So with the help of God and A.A., I'm not going to take any more of that alcoholic poison into my system. And I'm going to keep training my mind never even to think of liquor again in any way except as a poison. Do I believe that liquor will poison my life if I ever touch it again?

That's today's thought. Sort of along the same line as yesterday's, but no less poignant. Alcohol did poison my love and relationships. I am very fortunate that my people stuck by me. I certainly don't deserve the faith that has been put upon me, but am proud to say that this time around that faith is well-placed. Thank you, again!

Gonna watch the rest of this documentary on the Mardi Gras Indians then turn in.

Have a good night and a blessed tomorrow! Peace....

What's Your Poison?

Alcohol is poison to the alcoholic. Poison is not too strong a word, because alcoholism leads eventually to the death of the alcoholic. It may be a quick death or a slow death. When we go by package stores and see various kinds of liquor all dressed up in fancy packages to make it look attractive, we should always make it a point to say to ourselves so we'll never forget it: "That stuff's all poison to me." And it is. Alcohol poisoned our lives for a long time. Do I know that since I'm an alcoholic all liquor is poison to me?

Talked about the thought for the day at my meeting before work... Yes, alcohol has poisoned my life. It has physically poisoned me too. I'd drink so much while on a binge, I could feel it in my kidneys. While working in the medical field I saw people in their death throes resulting from cirrhosis. It's a ghastly sight to behold. You'd think that would be enough of a deterrent. Not for me. Shows how hard-headed I was. And reckless.

Just got back to the house from work. Had a pretty good day. Caught the tail end of the Morpheus parade on the way back, but I missed one of my faves... d'Etat. I'll leave you with a couple of pics I took on the way in today.... Goodnight!

These people do their porch

up with skeletons dressed

in various holiday themes.

You should see it on Halloween!

The Dumb Kid's Lament

Sometimes we can't help thinking: Why can't we ever drink again? We know it's because we're alcoholics, but why did we have to get that way? The answer is that at some time in our drinking careers, we passed what is called our "tolerance point." When we passed this point, we passed from a condition in which we could tolerate alcohol to a condition in which we could not tolerate it at all. After that, if we took one drink, we would sooner or later end up drunk. When I think of liquor now, do I think of it as something that I can never tolerate again?

We talked about this earlier today at length. I shared that not being able to drink again isn't something that I lament. It's done way too much damage to my life. And the lives of others. It just isn't worth giving up my health and my future for.

I try to recall the point in my life where alcohol became something I couldn't manage. When I look long, hard, and honestly at it, I'd have to say from the very first drink. Given the family history on my mom's side and when I consider my own personality flaws, it's something that I should never have touched. Ever. But how do you tell the kind of kid I was that?

Now, in my mind, that sounds a bit like a cop-out. "Woe is me! I was just a dumb kid who didn't know better and now look at me!" I can assure you that it isn't the case at all. Later on in life, factors like self-discipline, maturity, and responsibility come into play. People grow up and move on from partying, bar-hopping, etc. I didn't. And it led me down a very dark path. I took people that I love with me.

I'm happy to say that those things appeal to me less and less these days. The kind of life I am steering toward now is infinitely more rewarding. And the people that I love? I'd like to think they'll want to walk down that sunny, beautifully landscaped path with me.

Goodnight and God Bless!

The Other Side of Glamour

A nightclub crowded with men and women all dressed up in evening clothes looks like a very gay place. But you should see the men's room of that nightclub the next morning. What a mess! People have been sick all over the place and does it smell! The glamour of the night before is all gone and only the stink of the morning after is left. In A.A., we learn to take a long view of drinking instead of a short view. We learn to think less about the pleasure of the moment and more about the consequences. Has the night before become less important to me and the morning after more important?

First of all, we see how dated most literature in the program is by its very wording. LOL... Doesn't make it any less true, though. It's just as relevant now as it was decades ago.

Drinking isn't something that appeals to me any more, but when that idea does pop into my head, all I have to remember is the hell that follows immediately after. It's enough to put me right back on track. I take into account the consequences rather than the instant gratification.

Really like the thought for the day. If you've ever been in a men's room in the French Quarter you know what this person was talking about.

Got a long day at work tomorrow, so I'm about to start winding down.

Have a great night!

Assets and Liabilities

I talked to my sponsor and we're supposed to meet up Sunday. We're going to talk about moving on to step 10. He finally agreed that I should hold off on certain amends until a more appropriate time. I approached him and told him that some of the people in my life just aren't ready to hear from me.

Had a pretty good day. Time went fairly quickly at work. I read the Thought for the Day first thing when I got back....

When we think about having a drink, we're thinking of the kick we get out of drinking, the pleasure, the escape from boredom, the feeling of self-importance, and the companionship of other drinkers. What we don't think of is the letdown, the hang over, the remorse, the waste of money, and the facing of another day. In other words, when we think about that first drink, we're thinking of all the assets of drinking and none of the liabilities. What has drinking really got that we haven't got in A.A.? Do I believe that the liabilities of drinking outweigh the assets?

I can assure you, dear reader, that there are far more liabilities than there are "assets" when you go back out. That knowledge is but one of the many things that keeps me sober and recovering. I'd much rather be in a room in fellowship with my fellow AA members than sitting in some dark corner by myself, wasting my life, and destroying the ones I love. I'm really grateful for the message today, because I am one of those people who used to ignore the consequences for my own selfish pursuits. That doesn't just include alcohol. I was a very impulsive person.

Well. I have a very early day tomorrow, so I'm going to wind down early.

Goodnight. :)

No more dark rooms for me...

The Line in the Sand

A little earlier today I had an exchange that I allowed to upset me. Thank God I was on my way to a meeting. That, and a talk with Teresa helped center me. I handled it well, I think, but I still allowed it to shake me. Most people are going to find it hard to get an irrational reaction from me these days. I'm not that person anymore.

The past 2 or 3 days I've been pondering what kind of person I am now, or am still becoming. I'm having to rediscover myself in some ways. I can, however, tell you some of the things that I'm learning about sober, recovering Jay. I'm going to be much more selective in who I call friend. I've always said this, but never followed it. You surround yourself by the kind of people you strive to be. If you want to be an airline pilot but only spend time with submarine captains it makes things a little complicated.

I'm done with anything that comes between me and those I love. That means things like my little toys, DVDs, TV shows, anything trivial that drew me into my own world and alienated someone who desperately wanted to be part of my life.... Those things are gone. It's ok to have things like that so long as you aren't obsessed with them. Doesn't mean I wont have DVDs or watch TV. I'm just not going to let them rule me almost as much as alcohol did. But I am done with the toys. Time to grow up.

You might say that I have re-prioritized.

I'm 38 years old. What I should be and am concentrating on right now is building a foundation to start a family and secure the future. The only thing that comes before that is my recovery. Without it, the rest is impossible.

I'll always have things I need to work on. We all do. But no more BS, no more arrogance, no more dishonesty. I'm earnestly working on ridding myself of that. It's time I draw a line in the sand and say this is where I become a man. For myself and for the ones I take care of.

.... For those of you who truly love and support me, thank you for standing on this side of the line with me.

5 Things I'm Powerless Over in Alcoholism

I have officially moved on to my second step.

"Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Men's group was good. Fittingly enough, the topic was the second step. Later at the Rue my sponsor looked over my list of things I was powerless over in alcohol and said, "That's it." After that, we just sat and had a good, long conversation about our alcoholic careers. We're meeting again Friday. Here's the list. It's only 5 things, but there are many more he said that would come to me...

1) Drinking while knowing that it would ruin my relationship. I didn't drink to actually do that, but did so with the knowledge. That's insanity. Who would voluntarily ruin the single best thing that had ever happened to them? Someone who is powerless over another influence. That's who. That was me. I allowed myself to be a slave for way too long.

2) Drinking all the way up to about 2 or 3 hours before an important engagement. Work mainly. That led me to calling in quite a bit, and I lost quite a few jobs over it. Knowing that you have something important to do and jeopardizing it for a few more hours of numbness? That's powerlessness.

3) Drinking with the knowledge that it was literally killing me. That's borderline suicidal. That's how powerless we are when we aren't working a full recovery.

4) Sincerely resolving to stop after a binge or an allnighter then picking right up again. Alot of people will say, "Well why don't you just stop?" or "You must have weak willpower." Willpower alone doesn't stop an addict. At least not for long. We have to find a greater power outside of ourselves or statistically we end up going back.

5) Knowing that drinking is tearing the ones we love apart and doing it anyway. I have to make something clear. It's not that we don't love the ones we hurt. Most of us don't do it to hurt other people. Some may. I don't know. It's just that alcohol has such a powerful grip on our lives that we are blind and numb to it. We dare not face it. Even when sober and not working a recovery, many of us carry the same attitudes as when we are drunk. To the ones I love, I am so sorry. Especially you, Cupcake. You had a front row seat.

As I've learned in the Big Book and at meetings, it's not a moral decision or a question of ethics. It's truly being powerless over something that offers immediate gratification and escape. And it also ruins lives. Finding strength and getting the right kind of help puts us on the road to getting that power, and ourselves, back.

I've used the words "we" and "us" alot. For everytime I did that, you can substitute it with an "I". This isn't an unusual story for addicts, though. What I've discovered about myself in the first step has made me a stronger, more self-aware individual.

Cupcake

My sponsor said it might not be a good idea to talk too much about relationship stuff on my blog. This is something that has been weighing very heavily on me lately, so I feel that it would help to write about it. I'll try to make this the only full post I devote to what's going on.

About a month and a half ago I made a serious mistake. I let something that I had no business touching come between me and someone I love very very much. And it wasn't the first time. We were already sleeping apart with the understanding that I would be looking for another place. This came from another misadventure of mine not too long previously. Why I kept doing it, I don't know. I was a slave to alcohol, a dry drunk when sober, and too damn hard-headed to get real help. I did good things too. Don't get me wrong. Not all times were bad, but the person that I had turned into was not the real Jay. I was self-absorbed and only concerned with me. I had become miserable and it was no one's fault but my own, even though I tried to blame her. I said alot of things that I certainly didn't mean (and would certainly never say again).

We've been apart since then. She hasn't talked to me and I don't blame her.

Since I jumped headfirst into recovery, and have made real progress, I've regained my senses. Haven't had those in a while. With a clear head, it all started coming back. Why I love her. What I should've been doing all along and what I can be doing for her now. I'm sorry, Sweety, but I can't erase the past. I can, however, be the person you need right now and for as long as you'll let me. If it isn't too late.

I made her very sad for a very long time, and I would be honored if she would give me the opportunity to spend my life making it up to her.

What makes it even worse is that she's having a very difficult time. Several things have happened almost all at once (including me). All I want to do is hold her and try to get us through things together. Even from a distance, when she's hurting, I'm hurting. Trust me, there's no more helpless feeling in the world when someone you love is in a crisis and wont even let you in. I should be her rock through this, the one she turns to. But I effed it all up.

Like I said. I can be now. I'm getting myself back and I want to give it all to her. I don't think she reads this, but if she does...

I'm offering you a healthier, better me, Cupcake. And I swear to you that Jay is never going anywhere again unless it's by your side. I promised you something earlier tonight, and, whether you are talking to me or not, I'm going to keep that promise.

What has two thumbs and loves Sarah Forbes?

This guy.