Life's Happenin'

I'm finding that as time goes on and life gets happenin', it's easier and easier to fall out of the habit of posting. Life's been good, though. Work is going well, been keeping up with my folks pretty regularly, and Cupcake and I are getting on better than we ever have. She and I are actually spending more quality, enjoyable time together. Whether it be at home watching a movie, hiking through a swamp, or having a spectacular dinner at historic Pascal's Manale. We even talk more. ...And she made me cheesy mashed potatoes tonight.

Haven't heard from my old sponsor in forever. Not making assumptions, but I know the fact is that I'll need to get another ASAP. Been courting someone I've known for a while to fill that role. We just need to find a good time to meet that matches our schedules.

So there ya have it... Still alive and still truckin'. And about to stretch out in bed. I'll leave ya with the passage from Today's Gift. Goodnight and God bless!

A crow dying of thirst came upon a pitcher that had once been full of water. He shoved his beak into the pitcher and discovered that there was very little water left. But he was determined to get it.

Time and again he thrust his beak into the pitcher, but could not reach the water. He was about to drop dead from both thirst and despair when he spotted a pile of pebbles nearby.

The crow picked up one in his beak, and dropped it into the pitcher. He took another and did the same. Each time he dropped a pebble into the pitcher, he noticed that the water level rose slightly. Energized by this discovery, he continued his efforts until the water level rose to where he could reach it.

Then the crow drank the water, which saved his life.

The moral of the story: Small actions can have big results.

Recovery is a process that involves taking small steps, but sometimes progress is hard to see. At such time, take heart. Resist the temptation to give up. Instead, trust that your steady and dedicated effort is taking you ever closer to your goal.

What Would a Mature Adult Do?

I just got back in from my men's group. It was a birthday speaker meeting. This guy had alot of the same problems that I did finding recovery. He resisted, tried to do it on his own, went to meetings but never got a sponsor, didn't turn it over to God, relapsed... It's not a unique story at all. I've learned that most of the people who found success in the program had a pretty sticky time at first. That doesn't necessarily give one license to run wild with the idea that it's ok to slip and slide before getting a firm grip on sobriety. Other people suffer along the way. Our selfishness told us that we weren't responsible for that pain. I've come to discover that we very much are.Especially when we choose alcohol over the people we love. It may very well be the disease causing that horrible lapse in judgement, but at some point, enough has to be enough.

That makes me wonder how many people question my recovery. It's only natural and very fair that they would. I can tell you that I never planned to be an addict. I didn't wake up one day in grade school and say, "When I grow up, I'm going to lay on the couch drunk everyday and watch The Price is Right." I can also tell you that it would be a pretty grim and somewhat cynical assumption that I would be an active alcoholic for the rest of my life. There's no difference between that and a death sentence. I plan to have a home and a family. It's something that I have always wanted, and now it's more than just possible... It's a certainty as long as I work my program. As long as I am recovering.

The most profound thing I walked away with tonight was something our speaker said his sponsor told him. That when he was faced with a problem or conundrum to ask himself, "What would a mature adult do?" It's such a simple question, but I love it and plan to use it.

The rest of the day was business as usual. Worked most of it. Went to the park before my meeting and saw my ducks... and squirrels...and nutria... The bus driver almost knows me by name now. Really nice guy. We chat and exchange pleasantries almost everyday. He is straight up, old school New Orleanian. I'm almost going to feel guilty when I get my car. I'm sure he'll understand.

Have a wonderful night and God bless!

Confession Through Sharing

Strength comes from honestly telling your own experiences with drinking. In religion, they call it confession. We call it witnessing or sharing. You give a personal witness, you share your past experiences, the troubles you got into, the hospitals, the jails, the break up of your home, the money wasted, the debts, and all the foolish things you did when you were drinking. This personal witness lets out the things you had kept hidden, brings them out into the open, and you find release and strength. Am I receiving strength from my personal witnessing?

That's why I share at every meeting that I can. Even if I'm telling the same story over again, it helps me. That is one of the reasons they call it a selfish program.

I was talking to someone earlier about the 5th Step. That's when you tell your life story to a second party. It could be God, it could be a priest, or it could be your sponsor. Heck. It could be a stranger on the street. I chose my sponsor... and for good reason. God already knows my life story. Your sponsor is someone that your Higher Power put here to guide you. The more they know about you (and your skeletons) the better. The more effectively they can serve you.

After the steps, sponsorship is a vital service to newcomers. That's why I don't take it lightly. That's why I didn't stampede right into sponsorship when I finished those steps. People's lives are at stake.

Well. It's very late, and I need to go to bed. Have a great night and keep the faith!

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... Because There Will Always Be Small Stuff

My own variation on a popular book title. Here's todays meditation from the Narcotics Anonymous book Just For Today.

Small Things

"In the past, we made simple situations into problems; we made mountains out of molehills."

Basic Text, p. 87

Making mountains out of molehills seems to be our specialty. Have you heard it said that to an addict, a flat tire is a traumatic event? Or how about those of us who forget all pretense of principle when confronted with a bad driver? And what about that can opener that won't work—you know, the one you just threw out the second story window? We can relate when we hear others share, "God, grant me patience right now!"

No, it's not the major setbacks that drive us to distraction. The big things—divorce, death, serious illness, the loss of a job—will throw us, but we survive them. We've learned from experience that we must reach out to our Higher Power and others to make it through life's major crises. It's the small things, the constant day-to-day challenges of living life without the use of drugs, that seem to affect most addicts most strongly in recovery.

When the little things get to us, the Serenity Prayer can help us regain our perspective. We can all remember that "turning over" these small matters to the care of our Higher Power results in peace of mind and a refreshed perspective on life.

Just for today: I will work on patience. I will try to keep from blowing things out of proportion, and walk with my Higher Power through my day.

Today was a day of small stuff. My shoes were soggy all day from going to work in the rain. Time seemed to poke along. Boxes were falling apart in the stock room. Had to move some 300 lb. fixtures...

Like I said last night, though. Exhausted but fulfilled. Just got back from my sponsor's step study. It was kind of unexpected, but I went when he called me. Going to bed now. Goodnight, dear reader. :)

On To Step... 1?

Just got back from meeting with my sponsor and I am excited to say that I have finished my steps. Thing is, you never really finish them. These steps are practiced every day of my life. The most successful people in recovery usually go back and do them over and over again. When they decide to sponsor, they get to go through them with a sponsee. You'll find that you learn something new every time you do them, and it's great re-enforcement for sobriety. That's why I'll be doing them again in the not-too-distant future.

We had a really good meeting. It was cold, blustery, and wet outside the coffee shop, but well worth it. We talked for a little while then went over 11 and 12.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with

God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us

and the power to carry that out.

and...

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to

carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our

affairs.

Speaking of coffee shops, I'm sad to say that the Rue de la Course on Magazine St. has closed its doors. I've spent many hours there writing posts for this very blog. I've spent time with more than one sponsor there. And it was a great place to grab a coffee, sit at an outside table, and hang with friends. People watching at the Rue was interesting to say the least.

Well. I'm going to eat my sub and watch Storage Wars. It's been a great day. Goodnight and God Bless!

My Daily Moral Inventory

Meeting with my sponsor tomorrow night at CC's Coffee, so I suppose tonight I'll just kick back, write a bit, watch some TV, and munch on my trail mix.

Been working on taking my daily moral inventory. Usually at night... right before going to sleep, I lay there and mentally go over the events of the day. What did I do right? What did I do wrong?What should I do about it? I pray on it.

Stressful situations are much easier to deal with when I step back, take a good look, and not immediately react. I'm working on promptly admitting when I'm wrong, as well. Was never good at that. It makes the day so much better (and easier), though, when Step 10 becomes part of your daily routine. It's one of the steps that is never really finished.

Had a good day at work. Just very busy. There are still a lot of Mardi Gras visitors in town. Houses still have their decorations up. Beads are still everywhere. Hanging from trees, power lines, fences... It almost feels like another parade could come rolling down St. Charles at any moment. I like that.

I'll leave you tonight with a picture of the most festive pothole in the world. Saw it the other morning on the way to work.

God Bless!

Now that's what a pothole

should look like!

But for the Grace of God

Got the greenlight to chair H&I once a month. I think I'll ask my sponsor to be my first moderator. Talked to him a little earlier about meeting up tomorrow or Sunday. We're going to go ahead and finish my steps. Pretty psyched about that!

Work went well too. It was a pretty slow night. Just got back and am getting ready to wind down for bed. I'll check out the Cornerstone website first and see if they've posted this week's sermon yet.

When we came to our first A.A. meeting, we looked up at the wall at the end of the room and saw the sign: "But for the grace of God." We knew right then and there that we would have to call on the grace of God in order to get sober and get over our soul sickness. We heard speakers tell how they had come to depend on a Power greater than themselves. That made sense to us and we made up our minds to try it. Am I depending on the grace of God to help me stay sober?

That's not what I was thinking at my first AA meeting. Seeing the word "God" everywhere scared the hell out of me. It took me a very long time to accept him as my Higher Power and that's one reason I failed so many times. Now I know that God's got my back. Whenever I need him, I can call on him. He's always there.

Gonna go ahead and sign off. If Cornerstone posted today, I'll link it here.

Have a great night and a blessed tomorrow!

5 Months In!

Didn't make any parades today. The day ones were postponed because of the weather. Works out kinda well, though. I had to work, and they were moved to times that I could see them. Still not sure if Endymion ran. That's the evening parade. I have my own special reason for not caring about that one.

In other news... Today marks 5 months of recovery for me! I am so blessed to have such an awesome support system. Without God, my sponsor, and my peeps, it wouldn't have been possible. I am so grateful to you all.

After I became an alcoholic, alcohol poisoned my love for my family and friends, it poisoned my ambition, it poisoned my self-respect. It poisoned my whole life, until I met A.A. My life is happier now than it has been for a long time. I don't want to commit suicide. So with the help of God and A.A., I'm not going to take any more of that alcoholic poison into my system. And I'm going to keep training my mind never even to think of liquor again in any way except as a poison. Do I believe that liquor will poison my life if I ever touch it again?

That's today's thought. Sort of along the same line as yesterday's, but no less poignant. Alcohol did poison my love and relationships. I am very fortunate that my people stuck by me. I certainly don't deserve the faith that has been put upon me, but am proud to say that this time around that faith is well-placed. Thank you, again!

Gonna watch the rest of this documentary on the Mardi Gras Indians then turn in.

Have a good night and a blessed tomorrow! Peace....

Sausage Dogs and the Mustard Seed

It was a very interesting walk to work. They were setting up for the Krewe of Carrollton parade on my street. Got to see the bands practicing in the park, the floats were all lined up, people were getting into costume... Then I stopped on St. Charles and got a hot sausage dog from a carnival stand. Tried to eat it while walking, but it was too full of stuff. Mushrooms, marinara, green peppers, onions and all on a hoagie roll. I guess I was being a bit of a grump in a previous post. I do love Mardi Gras. It would be my luck, though, that there are no parades on my days off. :(

I guess my Blackberry takes better

pics during the day...

Not much else of interest. Worked all day. Came back here. Going to eat some pizza rolls and watch a movie.

Talked to my sponsor a few minutes ago. We're going to meet up Tues. and go to the men's group. Going to the 12 step study tomorrow night and hopefully the Mustard Seed on both days.

Well. I guess that's about it for tonight... Going to enjoy my days off and try to get some things done!

Goodnight, world...

Step 10!

I met with my sponsor this morning. We went to CC's Coffee (Rue is closed for Mardi Gras... forgot about that). We chatted for a while. Talked about my amends. Then we talked about taking a continuous moral inventory and when wrong, promptly admitting it. After that, he said, "Ok. That's Step 10." Pretty quick step I thought. It's something that I started picking up on back in Step 4. It's not really something I do a worksheet on, though. It's something I practice for the rest of my life. We talked a bit about how he has recently applied it in a few specific situations. It's not easy, but I'm assured that it becomes second nature over time.

Work wasn't quite as hectic as I thought. Not until the first parade ended and just before the second parade. On the way back, I figured I'd stop and watch the second one. Krewe of Pygmalion. Not the most interesting parade, but I enjoy watching them. Had to leave before it was completely over. It was very cold and I was starting to cough again.

The camera on my phone isn't very good...

I heard about Whitney Houston's death a little bit ago. She had a very tragic life of abuse and addiction. They say they don't know how she died and I wont speculate. I will say that too many of us meet an early end because we simply didn't surrender and ask for help.

Well. I'm going to sit down, rest, and maybe eat some wafflecone ice cream. I hope you a good night and a blessed day tomorrow.

Laissez les Bon Temps Rouler!

1 day down and a week and a half to go! I am, of course, talking about Mardi Gras. I love going to the parades, but that's about it. Maybe I'd feel a little different if the situation were a bit different. But that's my fault.

Work was gruesome. I just want to shower, maybe watch a little American Pickers, then go to bed. I have to be up kinda early to meet with my sponsor about step 10... Then deal with the crowd again. I maintain my serenity, though. Smile. Be nice. Be professional. It can be a challenge, however.

I think I have commuting worked out. That's a good thing.

Anyways... I'm going to go ahead and sign off.

Goodnight, all!

Assets and Liabilities

I talked to my sponsor and we're supposed to meet up Sunday. We're going to talk about moving on to step 10. He finally agreed that I should hold off on certain amends until a more appropriate time. I approached him and told him that some of the people in my life just aren't ready to hear from me.

Had a pretty good day. Time went fairly quickly at work. I read the Thought for the Day first thing when I got back....

When we think about having a drink, we're thinking of the kick we get out of drinking, the pleasure, the escape from boredom, the feeling of self-importance, and the companionship of other drinkers. What we don't think of is the letdown, the hang over, the remorse, the waste of money, and the facing of another day. In other words, when we think about that first drink, we're thinking of all the assets of drinking and none of the liabilities. What has drinking really got that we haven't got in A.A.? Do I believe that the liabilities of drinking outweigh the assets?

I can assure you, dear reader, that there are far more liabilities than there are "assets" when you go back out. That knowledge is but one of the many things that keeps me sober and recovering. I'd much rather be in a room in fellowship with my fellow AA members than sitting in some dark corner by myself, wasting my life, and destroying the ones I love. I'm really grateful for the message today, because I am one of those people who used to ignore the consequences for my own selfish pursuits. That doesn't just include alcohol. I was a very impulsive person.

Well. I have a very early day tomorrow, so I'm going to wind down early.

Goodnight. :)

No more dark rooms for me...

The Right Thing Concerning Amends

Just had an interesting conversation with my friend Mr. Lewis. He's an old school New Orleanian... If Billy Dee Williams' dad lived here, that would be him. He dropped me off from work and we just chatted about the city on the way.

Had an interesting conversation earlier, too, about amends. That one wasn't so light-hearted. Basically, I'm getting pressure from my sponsor to talk to people who are not ready to hear from me yet. They have stuff going on in their lives, and they certainly haven't gotten to a point where they'd be ok talking to me. They may never be. I hope that isn't the case though.

This is where I have to consider bringing harm to a situation. In my heart and my mind, I feel like this is one of those where I should wait until they are in a better place before contacting them. One should be bold and forthright in their steps and amends, but also humble and responsible.

You can't become complacent. It's not something that should have a time limit, either, though. Still conflicted and still praying about it. I may just have to sit down with the guy and say, "Look. Even if they want nothing to do with me right now (and for good reason), these are people that I love and have promised to protect. If the best thing I can do for them is leave them alone a little longer, let them heal some, and approach them when they are ready, then that is what I'm going to do." We may be able to move on from there into my last steps. I've made amends with just about everyone else. There are still a few I haven't tracked down yet. Or he may resign as my sponsor, in which case, I immediately find another one. He's a great guy, so I hope it doesn't come to that. I'm not going to create a potentially harmful situation, however, if it's just to get to step 10. I'll make my amends with them for the right reason and because I want to. Not as an assignment.

Or I could be completely wrong. If so, please don't hesitate with some input. The best person I could talk to about it is in bed right now, and I don't want to wake her up. She gets too little sleep as it is. Maybe I can talk to her soon.

I'm going to read for a bit then doze off myself.

Goodnight, World....

The Blahs and Blogging

Kinda started feeling down again. I don't know if it's the loneliness, feeling a little overwhelmed, or being in a tight money spot right now. Probably all of it. It just means that I need to be plugging away harder and putting my nose closer to the grindstone. And there are people there if I need to talk. I couldn't be more grateful for them. I don't know what condition of sanity I would be in right now without my support system. Teresa and I speak everyday, so I have to give her a gigantic thank you for listening to all my moaning over the past months.

And moaning helps sometimes. As long as you don't cross the line to self-pity and "being a victim". That's a true characterization of many alcoholics. Messing everyone else's lives up and then saying, "Woe is me..."

What is something positive I can do right now to feel better? I'm writing in my blog. That's a big one. I need to clean. That refocuses me into better thinking. I'd call someone or call my sponsor if I felt like I needed a good chat. I may read in bed later too. That one just came to me.

So what do we do when our foot is stuck in the mud? We pull it out or we sink up to our knee. ;)

Goodnight, World!

False Alarms

I was kind of worried about someone earlier today. Hadn't heard from him in a while. I'm sure I was over-reacting a bit. For someone in recovery, though, if you don't hear back from them fairly quick, your imagination can go pretty wild. Doubly so when that person is your sponsor. All turned out well. I was able to track him down and we chatted for a while. I guess I know, now, to a very small extent what would go through the minds of my loved ones when I went MIA. It's really f***ed up, and I can never be more sorry.

The rest of my day went well. Work was fine. We had a truck, but my friend the truck driver has apparently been reassigned. I haven't heard from him since that night he called. He's a good guy, but in his case, assuming the bad may not be far off the mark. He'd been making alot of progress, but I could tell he wasn't actually getting it. Ya know what I mean? I'll pray for him tonight and give him another call tomorrow.

Well.... It's a very early day coming up and I have lots on my to-do list. I do believe that I am going to kick back in my boxers and watch something on Netflix until time to go to bed.

Goodnight and have a blessed day!

Resilience and Drunk Intellectuals

Alcoholics who are living in a blind alley refuse to be really honest with themselves or with other people. They're running away from life and won't face things as they are. They won't give up their resentments. They're too sensitive and too easily hurt. They refuse to try to be unselfish. They still want everything for themselves. And no matter how many disastrous experiences they have had with drinking, they still do it over and over again. There's only one way to get out of that blind alley way of living and that's to change your thinking. Have I changed my thinking?

I met my new neighbor earlier today and had a lengthy discussion about Einstein's quote, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results." The guy is a true intellect, but unfortunately he is in the same grip of addiction that I once was.

There is some kind of misconception in the world that, in New Orleans, you are either an insatiable party person or a drunk literary type. Yes. We have those people in abundance. The culture is so much richer than that, though. I get the impression, however, that he uses an old stereotype to justify his drinking. It's not for me to judge, seeing as how I was once just like that. Romanticizing a dirty habit to make it more acceptable.

My friend in relapse is doing ok. I called earlier to check in. She's on the waiting list for Grace House. That's a year-long rehab center for women. She"s almost 70 years old and the fact that she is so dedicated to recovery is admirable. I hear so many people lament that they wasted their youth on alcohol, and this lady has the resilience of all of them put together.

It's never too late to make yourself better. ;)

I had a good men's group tonight, but didn't see my sponsor there. He didn't respond to my text earlier either. Hope he's ok. He suffered a loss last week. A friend of his who was only 30 had a massive heart attack on the basketball court. Reminds us of how short a time we have in this universe.

My neighbor's house.

Love it love it love it!

Goodnight, world and God bless!

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Friends in Relapse

The first half of my day wasn't very fruitful. I got up a little earlier than usual with a fairly lengthy "To-Do" list. Then the rain came and scratched that. I was able to mark one thing off. Rent.

Hung out here for a while and watched Sherlock on Netflix. I'm a bit of a Doyle purist, but am impressed with Gatiss' and Moffat's take on it. I was always a Mycroft fan and Mark Gatiss pulls it off beautifully. Not sure how I feel yet about Moriarty. Just like The Master in Doctor Who, I've always seen him as the bearded Machiavellian.

The second half of the day involved me sitting with a friend who has relapsed. She sent me a message earlier this afternoon that she needed help. Her sponsor couldn't leave work, so I stayed until she could get there. The lady lost her entire family because of drugs and alcohol. That's how powerful addiction is. I know it was her choice, but it makes me so angry that everyone in her life turned their backs on her. Plus, I know what it feels like to a small extent, and can see how the loneliness and pain can drive someone back to using. It's a seriously misunderstood disease, and she's a good person. One way to guarantee that you stay alone, however, is to go back to your old habits. She's in good hands, now, and I'm back at the apartment trying to figure out where to put a couch and a TV.

That may sound trivial, but to someone overcoming alcoholism, it's one of the coolest things in the world.

I'm going to pray for my friend (and not judge her). I'm very grateful for her, too. Helping other addicts contributes to keeping me from going back. I'll give her sponsor a call in a bit to see how things are going.

Goodnight and be well...

Candlelight Meetings and Championship Games

Just got back from our meeting at halftime. Bama is winning 9-0 against LSU. Sorry Bammers. My loyalty lies with the Tigers. Even if they aren't orange and blue....

The meeting was ok. It was one I've never been to. Not many of the members seemed very serious about recovery. When here, I prefer the old-fashioned country groups with all the old-timers. What did make this one stand out was that it was a candlelight meeting. Never been to one of those. I really liked that.

The topic was a very important one. Having a sponsor. I shared about the difference it's made in my life and how vital it is toward working your steps. To work an effective recovery, it's best to have an experienced person to guide you through it.

The rest of the day was great. Spent half of it with Teresa and the baby she nannies. Hung out with my dad in his shop. Watched some American Pickers. And now I'm seeing what happens with this championship game. Gonna eat some ravioli too. Geaux Tigers!

Goodnight and have a blessed day tomorrow...

What Would a Mature Adult Do?

I just got back in from my men's group. It was a birthday speaker meeting. This guy had alot of the same problems that I did finding recovery. He resisted, tried to do it on his own, went to meetings but never got a sponsor, didn't turn it over to God, relapsed... It's not a unique story at all. I've learned that most of the people who found success in the program had a pretty sticky time at first. That doesn't necessarily give one license to run wild with the idea that it's ok to slip and slide before getting a firm grip on sobriety. Other people suffer along the way. Our selfishness told us that we weren't responsible for that pain. I've come to discover that we very much are. Especially when we choose alcohol over the people we love. It may very well be the disease causing that horrible lapse in judgement, but at some point, enough has to be enough.

That makes me wonder how many people question my recovery. It's only natural and very fair that they would. I can tell you that I never planned to be an addict. I didn't wake up one day in grade school and say, "When I grow up, I'm going to lay on the couch drunk everyday and watch The Price is Right." I can also tell you that it would be a pretty grim and somewhat cynical assumption that I would be an active alcoholic for the rest of my life. There's no difference between that and a death sentence. I plan to have a home and a family. It's something that I have always wanted, and now it's more than just possible... It's a certainty as long as I work my program. As long as I am recovering.

The most profound thing I walked away with tonight was something our speaker said his sponsor told him. That when he was faced with a problem or conundrum to ask himself, "What would a mature adult do?" It's such a simple question, but I love it and plan to use it.

The rest of the day was business as usual. Worked most of it. Went to the park before my meeting and saw my ducks... and squirrels...and nutria... The bus driver almost knows me by name now. Really nice guy. We chat and exchange pleasantries almost everyday. He is straight up, old school New Orleanian. I'm almost going to feel guilty when I get my car. I'm sure he'll understand.

Have a wonderful night and God bless!

On my way to the men's group

Very Tired and Very Grateful

I found myself in a better mood today. With all the challenges I've faced in the past couple of days, I stuck through it and came out on top... and I'm exhausted. Proud to say that some of the recent events haven't shaken my recovery. Get used to it people. It's here to stay. ;) I thank God for that little push of strength and courage when I need it. Someone told me that God meets us where we are. He's always there. We just have to open up and let him do his thing.

Now, let's see.... Any news?.... Not really. Waiting on an email to see if our homegroup has a business meeting this week. Hanging with my sponsor Thursday. Gotta furnish this place somewhat, but I think I'll wait to get a couch until I get back from Georgia. I'm not going to put a lot of stuff in here, though. Maybe a plant, and someone is actually lending me a bed. I'll put that in the sunroom. Crazy, huh? Still got a food drive to put together. Good times, but I don't think it's interesting enough to base a movie on.

About to start watching the Saints/ Falcons game. Atlanta just won the coin toss.

There ya go. That's about it for today. Aloha and mahalo....

Goodnight.