Step 10!

I met with my sponsor this morning. We went to CC's Coffee (Rue is closed for Mardi Gras... forgot about that). We chatted for a while. Talked about my amends. Then we talked about taking a continuous moral inventory and when wrong, promptly admitting it. After that, he said, "Ok. That's Step 10." Pretty quick step I thought. It's something that I started picking up on back in Step 4. It's not really something I do a worksheet on, though. It's something I practice for the rest of my life. We talked a bit about how he has recently applied it in a few specific situations. It's not easy, but I'm assured that it becomes second nature over time.

Work wasn't quite as hectic as I thought. Not until the first parade ended and just before the second parade. On the way back, I figured I'd stop and watch the second one. Krewe of Pygmalion. Not the most interesting parade, but I enjoy watching them. Had to leave before it was completely over. It was very cold and I was starting to cough again.

The camera on my phone isn't very good...

I heard about Whitney Houston's death a little bit ago. She had a very tragic life of abuse and addiction. They say they don't know how she died and I wont speculate. I will say that too many of us meet an early end because we simply didn't surrender and ask for help.

Well. I'm going to sit down, rest, and maybe eat some wafflecone ice cream. I hope you a good night and a blessed day tomorrow.

Assets and Liabilities

I talked to my sponsor and we're supposed to meet up Sunday. We're going to talk about moving on to step 10. He finally agreed that I should hold off on certain amends until a more appropriate time. I approached him and told him that some of the people in my life just aren't ready to hear from me.

Had a pretty good day. Time went fairly quickly at work. I read the Thought for the Day first thing when I got back....

When we think about having a drink, we're thinking of the kick we get out of drinking, the pleasure, the escape from boredom, the feeling of self-importance, and the companionship of other drinkers. What we don't think of is the letdown, the hang over, the remorse, the waste of money, and the facing of another day. In other words, when we think about that first drink, we're thinking of all the assets of drinking and none of the liabilities. What has drinking really got that we haven't got in A.A.? Do I believe that the liabilities of drinking outweigh the assets?

I can assure you, dear reader, that there are far more liabilities than there are "assets" when you go back out. That knowledge is but one of the many things that keeps me sober and recovering. I'd much rather be in a room in fellowship with my fellow AA members than sitting in some dark corner by myself, wasting my life, and destroying the ones I love. I'm really grateful for the message today, because I am one of those people who used to ignore the consequences for my own selfish pursuits. That doesn't just include alcohol. I was a very impulsive person.

Well. I have a very early day tomorrow, so I'm going to wind down early.

Goodnight. :)

No more dark rooms for me...

The Right Thing Concerning Amends

Just had an interesting conversation with my friend Mr. Lewis. He's an old school New Orleanian... If Billy Dee Williams' dad lived here, that would be him. He dropped me off from work and we just chatted about the city on the way.

Had an interesting conversation earlier, too, about amends. That one wasn't so light-hearted. Basically, I'm getting pressure from my sponsor to talk to people who are not ready to hear from me yet. They have stuff going on in their lives, and they certainly haven't gotten to a point where they'd be ok talking to me. They may never be. I hope that isn't the case though.

This is where I have to consider bringing harm to a situation. In my heart and my mind, I feel like this is one of those where I should wait until they are in a better place before contacting them. One should be bold and forthright in their steps and amends, but also humble and responsible.

You can't become complacent. It's not something that should have a time limit, either, though. Still conflicted and still praying about it. I may just have to sit down with the guy and say, "Look. Even if they want nothing to do with me right now (and for good reason), these are people that I love and have promised to protect. If the best thing I can do for them is leave them alone a little longer, let them heal some, and approach them when they are ready, then that is what I'm going to do." We may be able to move on from there into my last steps. I've made amends with just about everyone else. There are still a few I haven't tracked down yet. Or he may resign as my sponsor, in which case, I immediately find another one. He's a great guy, so I hope it doesn't come to that. I'm not going to create a potentially harmful situation, however, if it's just to get to step 10. I'll make my amends with them for the right reason and because I want to. Not as an assignment.

Or I could be completely wrong. If so, please don't hesitate with some input. The best person I could talk to about it is in bed right now, and I don't want to wake her up. She gets too little sleep as it is. Maybe I can talk to her soon.

I'm going to read for a bit then doze off myself.

Goodnight, World....

You Can't Hoe a Straight Line Looking Backward

Had to scoot from work to my 12 & 12 study. I was only about 10 minutes late. As some say, "You can get here late, but don't leave early." I used to arrive late and leave early.

We talked about the 9th step tonight. Absolutely perfect, considering I still have some amends left. I shared about the ones I've made so far, the ones I have yet to make, and the couple that I can't make in order to avoid hurting other people. I also talked about the selfishness of procrastination. The discussion was a really good re-enforcement.

Work went well. And quick. Which is a plus. I'll continue to look online tonight for more career-oriented opportunities though. I'd talked to my manager a while back about developing me, but he seems to like me where I am,. I do have to admit, however, that before everything had blown up in September, I did manage to climb one rung up the ladder. I think we all know how I sabotaged that.

The future is in front of me, and lamenting the past gets one nowhere. We can only learn from it and carry that knowledge forward. Someone told me, "You can't hoe a straight line looking backward."

In honor of Martin Luther King Day, I thought I'd post his I Have a Dream speech. Still very relevant. I have to wonder what he'd say about the current state of the world and the progress we've made since August 28th, 1963.

Goodnight and have a blessed day tomorrow!

Naps and Amends

Did some work around the place, then took a long nap. I was pretty tired after that trip last night. I feel alot better now. Slept through most of the Saints/ 49ers game though! Man, this is a tight one. They're a strong second-half team, so I have faith. WhoDat!?

It was a gorgeous day here in New Orleans. One that I took full advantage of by walking down to Popeye's for some chicken strips. Normally I'd be all over town in weather like that, but I just didn't have it in me today....

Not much else to write about. Still considering hitting The Columns tonight if anything is going on. Need to call my sponsor in a minute. I made some very important amends over the week. I came to a solid realization that my hesitation or nervousness about doing that is a pretty selfish behavior. I'd been procrastinating because I felt awkward. The folks I'm making amends to are only too happy forgive and put things behind us. Well... so far. I still have a few folks left. Plus, the amends aren't for me. I suppose they kind of are because the spiritual benefits and the relationships they help heal are priceless. I've been taught, however, that amends are for the other person. And I can see why. We alcoholics have a talent for putting those closest to us... I dare say the ones we love most and that love us... through hell.

Well. I'm going to check out the rest of this game. Once again I'd like to tell all my family back home how much I love them and appreciate their having me out! It was such a wonderful week.

Until next I post... Goodnight!

Twinkly Stars and Another Amends

Was looking at the sky before my meeting and saw a very bright star over the trees. You can tell a star from a planet because planets don't twinkle. A bit of useless information for ya. Anyway... Since I was a child, I would look up at the night sky and be overwhelmed with a feeling. A feeling that I know today as "awe". I felt that tonight. It made me feel very small imagining the size and distance of it. And how long it took the light from that star to get here. Go sit out on a perfectly clear night with someone you love, or your Higher Power and just gaze. All the crap in your life suddenly seems very small.

Had a good, but short amends earlier. I wont say who it was with, but it was kind of funny. We chatted for a little while, then I said, "Well. The reason I called was to apologize for all the times I took advantage of your hospitality." It wasn't just an obligatory apology. It was from the heart. The person said, "Well thank you." and went on to ask, "Are you dying or something?". I had to laugh. "No. I'm just sorry and it's long overdue." I could tell they were glad to hear it.

It was another busy day. Got up and started working on the new place. Did some laundry. Had an appointment that went really well. Ran errands uptown. Had to go to that village in purgatory, also known as "Wal-Mart on Tchoupitoulas", to pick up bedding. Ate some General Tso's chicken at Green Tea for dinner. Went to a great homegroup meeting. And back here to wind down. Awesome day.

Hope you had an awesome day, too. Goodnight.

Had to brighten it up a bit.
I love the light in here.

The Saddest Amends

Made amends with my biological mom tonight. This will be the only one that I openly write about.

Someone asked me what amends could I possibly need to make with her. Simply saying, "I'm sorry." or "I was wrong about something." isn't what it's all about, though. There's decades of resentment and hurt in that relationship. I followed my sponsor's advice and told her that I didn't always know where she was coming from or what was going on in her life. I then told her I was sorry that I don't see her very often... Or call very often. And I told her that I know I wasn't always the best son. I think she got uncomfortable and changed the topic.

Amends aren't about us, you see. They are for the other person. Yes, we stand to gain from them, but our benefits are purely spiritual. Someone told me how liberating this step is, but I have to say, this particular amends was sad. I'm not sure she totally understood what I was doing or saying, but I got the message across. The heartbreaking thing is, that due to her lifestyle... and our history, we'll never be close.

In brighter news... I picked my chip up at the 12 and 12. That cheered me up. We had alot of newcomers, so we did a group conscience and decided to start back on the 1st step study for them. It was a great meeting.

Well. I have to be up very early, so I'm going to head back and start winding down.

Have a good night and an awesome tomorrow!

3 Month Chips...
Now in Christmas green!

Why Am I Here?

That was tonight's topic. Some stories were happy... some were sad. The relapsers who just came back into our ranks admitted that they had gone back out because they didn't have sponsors or weren't working their steps. That was my problem for the longest time. Self-will. Finally getting a real sponsor and working the hell out of those steps have made me a different person. A better person. Still Jay, just minus the personality crippling defects. And that is with some humility and direct help from my Higher Power.

So why am I here? I'm here for me. To save my life. To make myself better for me and the ones I love. To have the tools to deal with life on life's terms. To be in a position to help my fellows in any way I can. To find success and happiness. To have that family and that future with the woman I love so much. To live a sober and fruitful life. Things I couldn't do when I wasn't in recovery. I'm very grateful.

Going to be doing my amends very soon. My sponsor wants to see the list this weekend. We sat for about 2 hours at his apartment after the meeting chatting and reading.... and drinking coffee.

So that was my evening. Hope your's was great. Have a good night and a great tomorrow!

On to Step 8

Can't write much... The coffee shops are packed and my laptop is running out of juice. I wanted to share about the first part of my day, though.

I decided to do Step 7 during the confessional prayer at church today. It was an awesome, cleansing experience. I turned all my defects of character over to God. It was an earnest and heartfelt prayer. Doesn't mean that they are all automatically erased. Faith takes action. I meet with my sponsor this week to start the next steps in my recovery... 8 and 9.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

and

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I already have a list from step 4, I just need to add some names to it. This is going to be interesting to say the least. Some folks will be glad to hear from me, some may tell me to go to hell. Either way, I eagerly anticipate the opportunity to make right the wrongs I've committed over the years. Not only for me, but for those I've hurt. It may give some of them peace too.

Enjoyed the service immensely. We had a guest rabbi deliver the sermon. It's an episcopal church, but it partners with a synagogue down the street. He was a spectacular speaker and I hope to hear more from him.

Wont be able to make a meeting tonight... Gotta work til 10:30. About to have to go in actually. Going to grab a sandwich first.

Sorry if the post is a bit scattered. I'll write more later tonight when I can sit down and tie some coherent thoughts together, LOL.

Have a great day and Go Saints!

Kleenex and Amends

Last night's meeting was sad. Our moderator started the topic of making amends. She then went on to share that she was glad she had done so with her father when she did. Not too long afterward, she was called out of state to see him as he was on his deathbed. She said that if those amends hadn't been made, she wouldn't have gone and he would have passed alone.

I think that turned the topic more toward making amends with your loved ones, because you never know how long you have with them. My service work for the meeting became "kleenex runner".

There was regret for the people who didn't get the chance to make things right with their family or friends who are no longer with us. They had to do what we call "Graveside Amends". There were people who were relieved that they got to reconnect with those they pushed away before they were gone.

I felt the need to share about my biological mom. She's still with us. I don't talk to her often. When I do, it's just to make sure she's ok. I told the group that at one time I would've said, "What do I need to make amends with her for?!" Or "She should be making amends with me." That's not what the step, or life, is about though. I thought maybe I could apologize for resenting her all these years. Or maybe the small stuff, like running her phone bill sky high one time. That's a tough one and it's going to take alot of thought. Steps 8 and 9 are just around the corner....

Well. I have to be at work soon, but I'll post again afterward. Take care, all!

Halloween Candy and Early Amends

Well I didn't get to have a Halloween so I bought some marked down Snickers with peanut butter and pigged out. Started crashing from it at my meeting and nearly fell out of my chair asleep. I've been pretty tired lately too. Doing alot of things at once. New job search (got a good lead for activities in a nearby nursing facility and left my number on their voicemail), working on my credit, work, recovery, the headache involving getting insurance.... staying busy basically.

I left work a half hour early today to get to my men's group on time. Waited a half hour for the street car and was late anyway. It was a speaker meeting tonight. He shared his story and then opened it up for discussion. The one thing he talked about that resonated with me, and I think the rest of the room, was getting resentful when he saw non-alcoholics drink. Everyone seemed to feel that way. Now some may believe this or not, but it isn't a problem I've had so far. Maybe it's because too much bad has come from me drinking and I have no desire to touch the stuff again. I don't know. My sponsor was there and we talked for a bit. Going to try and meet in the next few days.

I worked today to try and mend some of the relationships I'd screwed up over the past weeks. These folks may not want to talk to me now, or ever again. They are good people, however, and I hope they do. I know that they all care about me and I betrayed them. Hopefully they can forgive me.

Thought I'd share a bit more about my mom for a sec. Biological mom to be specific. I didn't really have anything good to say about her last night when I posted. I assure you that she is not an evil person. She's done some rotten things, but I'm sure most were out of sheer ignorance. Doesn't excuse her though.

We used to ride horses together, go fishing, go out to eat (she got me started on salad bars at a very early age), watch horror movies, bake cookies.... She says she loves me, and I believe her. Unfortunately she'll never know recovery and will never be able to truly show it. All I can do is work mine and show the ones I care about how much I love them.