On to Step 8

Can't write much... The coffee shops are packed and my laptop is running out of juice. I wanted to share about the first part of my day, though.

I decided to do Step 7 during the confessional prayer at church today. It was an awesome, cleansing experience. I turned all my defects of character over to God. It was an earnest and heartfelt prayer. Doesn't mean that they are all automatically erased. Faith takes action. I meet with my sponsor this week to start the next steps in my recovery... 8 and 9.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

and

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I already have a list from step 4, I just need to add some names to it. This is going to be interesting to say the least. Some folks will be glad to hear from me, some may tell me to go to hell. Either way, I eagerly anticipate the opportunity to make right the wrongs I've committed over the years. Not only for me, but for those I've hurt. It may give some of them peace too.

Enjoyed the service immensely. We had a guest rabbi deliver the sermon. It's an episcopal church, but it partners with a synagogue down the street. He was a spectacular speaker and I hope to hear more from him.

Wont be able to make a meeting tonight... Gotta work til 10:30. About to have to go in actually. Going to grab a sandwich first.

Sorry if the post is a bit scattered. I'll write more later tonight when I can sit down and tie some coherent thoughts together, LOL.

Have a great day and Go Saints!

Steps 6 & 7

I am getting sick. My throat has felt like someone stuck a cheese-grater down it all day, and now I'm achy and feeling blah..... Wish I had some of that awesome soup from Jung's. Ya know... I almost went in there today.

Enough about my woes, though. Today was a very significant day in my recovery. I finished step 5....

Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

We ordered a spinach feta pizza to my sponsor's apartment, made some coffee, and got settled in. I wont go into everything I shared. You can actually find most of my history right here in these pages. After 2 hours of me spilling my guts about my actions over the past 30 something years, we came to the conclusion that my main character default was my selfish, self-serving behavior. It was almost like a theme in my moral inventory. There were others, though. Trust me.

I've had so many people who cared about me over the years, tried to help, and all I could think about was what I could do that would benefit myself. I wasn't the best partner... son... friend.... or brother that I could be. I let alot of people down. I hurt alot of people...

Understanding my faults and wrongdoing.... identifying them... is one of the goals of this step. Telling another person about each and every one helps cleanse my soul of them. They are behind me, but not forgotten. This step leads right into steps 6 and 7...

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

and
Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

These steps are strictly between me and my Higher Power. My sponsor can answer any questions I may have, but that's about it.

I later went to Riverview Park and sat for quite some time. After some hard and honest thought, I had one of those moments of clarity. I saw myself for what I really was all of those years. The lying, the manipulation, the sneaking... I could see all the kindness I was shown and how I took advantage of it. I thought I was going to be sick. I called my sponsor and told him that if God wants all that, he can have it. I certainly don't want it. When I made that decision... truly, honestly made that decision... a sense of calm came over me. Release. I never have to be that person again.

Don't get me wrong. I've done some really good things in my life. I certainly don't think I was a bad person. Just did some really bad things. Made alot of mistakes. Allowed myself to be ruled by addiction. That part of me, thankfully, sank to the bottom of the Mississippi today.

There's more work to do. Still more steps. Today, though, was a milestone in my program. I read something today that I liked.

Action is Born of Belief, Faith Without Works is Dead.

Here's the 7th Step prayer... Goodnight.

I am now willing that you should have all of me,

good and bad.

I pray that you now remove from me

every single defect of character which stands in the way

of my usefulness to you and my fellows.

Grant me strength, as I go out from here,

to do your bidding.

Amen