What A Great Week!

Wow! This week has flown right by! I still have tomorrow, though. Then I head out tomorrow night. Get back to New Orleans Saturday morning. I'd really like to thank Jeremy, Lacie, Avery, Ella, Dad and Teresa for their hospitality. I was truly blessed to have had such an awesome time with you guys! I consider this a valuable opportunity to heal some relationships and a time of spiritual enrichment. Not to mention it was just fun!

I got to connect with some people in a way that, perhaps, would have been a bit more difficult for me before. Got to see some folks I haven't seen in a while too. And it was a nice, quiet retreat from all the noise and craziness of New Orleans.

I don't mind noise and craziness so much, but it is good to get away from it sometimes...

I take back with me a greater sense of peace and an even more invigorated determination to build and succeed. There's so much I can do with this one life I've been given. And so much I can share.

To my family... I love you guys and thanks again! I'm sad to leave, but excited to get home and see what the future holds!

I'll post tomorrow before I leave. Until then, have a great night.

Church, Meetings, and Fellowship

Homegroup tonight! Woot! Business meeting before. That'll be an hour of people talking over one another, but I love it. I'd never treated AA as a real fellowship back when I wasn't working a real, proper recovery. Now I have folks who actually seek me out to say "Hello". It's a good feeling to be an active member of that community. They really are some of the best people in the world.

Back in the day, when I was ruled by self-will and arrogance, I'd get to a meeting a few minutes late, watch the clock, maybe share some BS story, and leave a few minutes early. Now I like to get there early and help set up. I enjoy listening to what is said, sharing something meaningful, and staying and chatting a few minutes afterward. It's such an integral part of my recovery. I can be totally down in the dumps on the way to a group, then leave feeling so much better. I thank God for that.

Church is great too. Most of the churches I've been to have had such a positive energy. Church of the Nations, my parents church, my brother's, or Trinity Episcopal. These days I get an automatic sense of serenity before I'm even within 20 feet of the door. That's my Higher Power at work as well. Since I, and I'm quoting here, "Let go and let God", spirituality and church have taken on an all new meaning.

When I was shackled by the disease of alcoholism... or when I was sober but not recovering... pride, arrogance, self-will, egotism, hell even fear kept me from opening up to God, the program, and, certainly not least, growing and connecting with the ones I love. Now I can do those things and the world is a brighter place for it.

On To Step 4

Oh God. Where do I start? I suppose at the beginning of the day. It started with me feeling pretty down. Teresa and I agreed that once I got to the Mustard Seed my spirits would be picked up. And I did feel a bit better when I got there. We had a few out-of-towners, which was good. It's always nice to chat with them before and after the group. There was an older couple from Florida. She has been in AA for a long time and he is in Al-anon. They were very happy together and that brought some of my faith back to the surface. The topic was living in the now, maintaining serenity, and not freaking out over the future. That's a tough one for me. As long as I'm doing what I need to do in the present, I'm very confident that things are going to work out well in my recovery, finances and with a particular young lady I'd like to start a family with. It's just that sometimes a little something will happen to rattle that, and that's when I pray or call Teresa. Thanks, Teresa. She's been a very patient and understanding source of support.

After the meeting, I made my way to the Rue for coffee with my sponsor. It was too late for lunch. We sat right down and went over my work for Step 3. I was to read about the step and then write about 3 things. This is what I wrote....

Openness is something I've always had trouble with. I used to shut down immediately at the first sign of danger to my emotions (or lack there-of). Openness is being forthright, honest. and willing to come out and bare all to my loved ones, my program, and my higher power. It's a testament of love and respect. It's also a sign of trust.

Willingness takes faith. It's something I find deep down inside. Sometimes it involves letting go of skepticism, resistance, and fear. It's a commitment to those I love and saying to God, "I'm giving this to you. I can't handle it on my own." I am willing to do right by my recovery and to the people in my life... And I will follow through.

Honesty isn't only about telling the truth. It's about being true to myself and everyone around me. Honesty is an action. An example. It's following through on promises and it is crucial in making sound decisions. It's also one of the cornerstones of recovery. I lied for so long, even about some of the smallest stuff. I even had myself convinced of some of the most ridiculous things. The biggest lie, though, was that everybody and everything around me was my problem. Things started moving forward when I finally admitted that my biggest problem was Jay.

We talked about it for a few minutes. I explained that these things seemed to go hand in hand. A Trinity if you will. Then my sponsor asked me to read something. Page 63 in the Big Book. I read it, talked to him about my spiritual awakening, and then he asked me to read the prayer on the page out loud.

"God I offer myself to Thee- To build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always."

After that he said, "Now we move on to Step 4."

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

We're basically going to dig through my resentments, flaws of character, fears.... Things that led me to drinking and/or doing wrong by others. And the wrongs that I did.

More good news was to come. I dropped in at work and it looks like the newest guy quit, so I'm going to get my old schedule back. That will free me up in the evenings for a second job or finding a better full time job and keeping this one part time.

Whew. That was alot. I'll write more this evening after my men's group. Right now I'm just going to finish my coffee, listen to music on Spotify, and reflect.

Working a Strong Program

I'd like to delve a bit more into the holidays, but before that I have a couple of other things.

The first being a talk I had this evening with my boss. He's known about my problem for a little while now and had some questions about it. One was about meetings because I had mentioned that they were a necessity to my recovery. He asked if not going to meetings would make me want to drink. I told him not directly. That missing one meeting led to missing two and then three and so forth. Without meetings we fall back into our old behaviors and eventually we do become at risk. He understood the importance then, and I believe will work with me more (not that he hasn't by any means) on scheduling around my home group. I've been getting pretty active there. We discussed spirituality and how vital it is not just in life, but in the program. He's aware of my prior standings on God and religion, but I explained to him that once I opened up, I could feel a real presence working in my recovery. I always thought something like that would manifest itself with a big bang. Some sudden, overwhelming sense of euphoria. It's actually been quite subtle so far.

Another thing I wanted to share is how I'm sticking to my recovery. I was thinking about this earlier because of the approaching holidays. As I said before, my meetings are a necessity. They keep me centered and the fellowship reminds me that I am not alone. I've run into two people I know from the Mustard Seed today. We stopped and exchanged hellos. It's amazing because that fellowship is present even when walking to work or just shopping for groceries. Getting back to my meetings, though, I find that I look forward to them and will now go out of my way to make sure that I can get to at least one a day. Two when my schedule permits. The serenity and the structure are vital in my sobriety.

The Twelve Steps and sponsorship go hand in hand. My sponsor is leading me through the steps now and we meet quite often. He is also there for support, advice, and even friendship. Without a sponsor you can't effectively work your program. They are a key ingredient. I talk to mine once a day and usually meet twice a week. I get alot from what he has to share with me and the reading he suggests.

There is also prayer, service work, and journaling to name only a few more things. It's reinforcement and it's all worked very well for me. I feel that I've got a strong program going and am very enthusiastic in maintaining it.

Now the holidays. I'll still be rigorously working my recovery every single day. Rest assured that there will be no desire to go out. I know that is a huge concern for alcoholics spending the holidays alone. I'll have various program functions to attend as well. I'm also quite aware that my spending this time alone is of my own doing and I accept full accountability for that....

On the bright side, Hoshun Restaurant will be open on Thanksgiving. Woohoo!

The Gods of Sobriety

Had an awesome meeting. It was the 12&12 group. We read a chapter about one of the steps and then shared about it. Tonight was the 3rd Step.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care

of God as we understood Him.

I was the first person to share. There was a time when I would have said, "Hold on. I'm not turning my will over to anyone or anything." Lately, though, I've been opening myself up to that higher power. Especially after my hold-up experience, because I honestly feel that there was divine intervention at work. I've rediscovered prayer too. Slowly. I'm excited to explore my spirituality further and develop that relationship.

That step, I think, sometimes scares off potentially recovering addicts because they view it as trying to get you into religion. Not at all. "Higher Power" is now used more often. A guiding force in your life that is stronger than you. Krishna, Allah, Shiva, Odin.... Zeus. They sometimes say in meetings that even a doorknob would work. I don't buy that one. I know a lady who is about to start using her ancestors as a higher power. I'll stick to God as I understand him. And I will be working to understand him.

Anyways.... I know I posted an entry just a few hours ago. Wanted to write a bit about what I picked up in my meeting, though.

And I finally have a Sunday off, so I will be attending church.