On to Step 5

Our men's group speaker was sensational tonight. I've seen the guy around the group several times, but didn't know he had that story in him. I don't like to give much away about our members. I can tell you that his misadventures were like something straight out of a movie. And the way he got into the program was very touching. He was also the spitting image of my Grandpa Melton.

Afterward my sponsor and I went back to his apartment to go over my 4th Step work. We found a pattern of selfishness and ego there. That's for sure. I'm thankful that, with the help of the program and God, I'm coming out of that shell. We'll be meeting again Saturday before work and then again next week to do my 5th Step.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature

of our wrongs.

That's when we sit down in private and I basically tell him my life story. My dad said that may take a while... LOL.

Got a good sponsor, good sobriety, a good support system, and an awesome Higher Power. As long as I stay true to all of that, there's no limit to the awesome things that will be coming my way. :)

Goodnight!

Bedtime and Serenity

Have to go to bed soon so, once again, this wont be a long post.

Had a pretty gloomy day today. Prayed alot through teary eyes. I got through it, though, and tomorrow is another day.

Meeting with my sponsor tomorrow night after the men's group. We're going to go over my 4th step work. It was tough, but I learned alot about myself. This program, when worked correctly, is a true miracle.

Well. I really have to get some sleep tonight. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. Got to be up very early too.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Have a blessed night, all.

Our Favorite Driver and Growin' Up

Another day at work that went by very quickly. We had a truck day today, so I was able to talk with our favorite driver. He is doing very well. He seems much more centered and calm, home life is good, and he is staying spiritually active. He even tried converting me to Catholicism... Really proud of the guy.

As for me, it was a good day. I've been practicing mini-4th Steps. Whenever I come into a "situation", I try to remember to step back, truly evaluate what is going on, and focus on what I might be doing wrong. It's easier than it sounds and is very effective.

I like to think I've grown up alot in the past months. Well. I have grown. Trivial little things that I used as an escape before simply don't interest me anymore. What does interest me is my recovery, building a family and future with the gal I love most, being there for my family and friends, and making some kind of difference in this world. I thank God that I have the tools to do those things now.

Well.... I have a friend who is meeting me here for coffee. Better run.

Mussolini and Moral Inventory

Worked all day, so not a heck of alot to write about. Remember a while back when I said, "If someone has something they feel is important enough to tell you, it's important enough to listen to." Well. There's a guy who comes into where I work, tracks me down, and corners me for 40 minutes to tell me about conspiracies. Now I'm interested in World War II, but I don't want to hear about Hitler's secret technology for an hour. I had to hide out in the warehouse for quite a while tonight when he came in. I felt bad, but I don't want to be rude to him. He's probably just a lonely guy who likes sharing stuff about Benito Mussolini. Not for me, though.

Been doing my 4th Step worksheets. It's mostly about putting a magnifying glass on my fears, resentments, and wrongs. Then I write about what parts of those are more to do with me than what is going on on the outside... and in other areas where I'm actually at fault. I'm still working on the step, but so far it has been very enlightening. I'm starting to see more of the little everyday things that effect my serenity for what they are. That knowledge helps me to deal with those things as they happen in a positive way. It also helps to know that most of those problems and frustrations come from somewhere in me and how I react. I may share some of my stepwork after my sponsor and I go over it. I won't be able to share most of it here, however, because alot of it is very specific.

That's about it for tonight. I had a very blessed and productive day.

Goodnight.

Step 4 and Thanksgiving

Aside from meeting my sponsor at the Rue, and a couple of other things, it wasn't a very eventful day. Mostly work.

He gave me my 4th Step worksheets and study guide, talked about what we were going to do on this step and future steps, and then we chatted for a while. I'm going to read the study guide tonight and start the worksheets tomorrow. I have Tue, Wed, and Thursday off, so that should give me lots of time. I'll go to church on Wednesday. For Thanksgiving I'll be going to as many meetings as I can and volunteering downtown. Giving out food for one of the shelters. Probably eat at Hoshun later since they will be open.

I ran into a friend on the way to the Rue. She knows I like to volunteer. She's been talking to me for years about training with the Red Cross. I had been considering working with Second Harvest Food Bank and will still pursue that. I like them. May give RC a try too, but I don't want to spread myself too thin. As far as paid work goes, I've been researching another full-time job and maybe doing the one I have now part-time. Would make much more sense. My sponsor thinks so as well.

So there ya go. Nothing too mind-blowing. Just some stuff from today in no particular order. Threw in a few thoughts and ideas for good measure.

Think I'm just going to chill here at the Rue until time to head back. Have I mentioned I like coffee shops? I'll leave ya with the daily passage from 24 Hours a Day...

I no longer try to escape life through alcoholism. Drinking built up an unreal world for me and I tried to live in it. But in the morning light the real life was back again and facing it was harder than ever, because I had less resources with which to meet it. Each attempt at escape weakened my personality by the very attempt. Everyone knows that alcohol, by relaxing inhibitions, permits a flight from reality. Alcohol deadens the brain cells that preside over our highest faculties and we are off to the unreal world of drunkenness. A.A. taught me not to run away, but to face reality. Have I given up trying to escape life?

Yes I have. :)

On To Step 4

Oh God. Where do I start? I suppose at the beginning of the day. It started with me feeling pretty down. Teresa and I agreed that once I got to the Mustard Seed my spirits would be picked up. And I did feel a bit better when I got there. We had a few out-of-towners, which was good. It's always nice to chat with them before and after the group. There was an older couple from Florida. She has been in AA for a long time and he is in Al-anon. They were very happy together and that brought some of my faith back to the surface. The topic was living in the now, maintaining serenity, and not freaking out over the future. That's a tough one for me. As long as I'm doing what I need to do in the present, I'm very confident that things are going to work out well in my recovery, finances and with a particular young lady I'd like to start a family with. It's just that sometimes a little something will happen to rattle that, and that's when I pray or call Teresa. Thanks, Teresa. She's been a very patient and understanding source of support.

After the meeting, I made my way to the Rue for coffee with my sponsor. It was too late for lunch. We sat right down and went over my work for Step 3. I was to read about the step and then write about 3 things. This is what I wrote....

Openness is something I've always had trouble with. I used to shut down immediately at the first sign of danger to my emotions (or lack there-of). Openness is being forthright, honest. and willing to come out and bare all to my loved ones, my program, and my higher power. It's a testament of love and respect. It's also a sign of trust.

Willingness takes faith. It's something I find deep down inside. Sometimes it involves letting go of skepticism, resistance, and fear. It's a commitment to those I love and saying to God, "I'm giving this to you. I can't handle it on my own." I am willing to do right by my recovery and to the people in my life... And I will follow through.

Honesty isn't only about telling the truth. It's about being true to myself and everyone around me. Honesty is an action. An example. It's following through on promises and it is crucial in making sound decisions. It's also one of the cornerstones of recovery. I lied for so long, even about some of the smallest stuff. I even had myself convinced of some of the most ridiculous things. The biggest lie, though, was that everybody and everything around me was my problem. Things started moving forward when I finally admitted that my biggest problem was Jay.

We talked about it for a few minutes. I explained that these things seemed to go hand in hand. A Trinity if you will. Then my sponsor asked me to read something. Page 63 in the Big Book. I read it, talked to him about my spiritual awakening, and then he asked me to read the prayer on the page out loud.

"God I offer myself to Thee- To build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always."

After that he said, "Now we move on to Step 4."

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

We're basically going to dig through my resentments, flaws of character, fears.... Things that led me to drinking and/or doing wrong by others. And the wrongs that I did.

More good news was to come. I dropped in at work and it looks like the newest guy quit, so I'm going to get my old schedule back. That will free me up in the evenings for a second job or finding a better full time job and keeping this one part time.

Whew. That was alot. I'll write more this evening after my men's group. Right now I'm just going to finish my coffee, listen to music on Spotify, and reflect.