Playing Atlas (Badly)

Pride stands sentinel at the door of the heart and shuts out the love of God. God can only dwell with the humble and the obedient. Obedience to God's will is the key unlocking the door to God's kingdom. You cannot obey God to the best of your ability without in time realizing God's love and responding to that love. The rough stone steps of obedience lead up to where the mosaic floor of love and joy is laid. Where God's spirit is, there is your home. There is heaven for you.

The proud addict believes that there is no greater power than themselves. They are desperately struggling to hold their own sad little worlds together. They aren't happy worlds by any stretch of the imagination. As a matter of fact, most of them are just short of sheer make-believe. We try to maintain a facade that everything is ok. While playing Atlas (and badly) all we can think about is the next drink.

I've found that the world my Higher Power has to offer is not only liberating, but much more beautiful than that dark, hellish place I locked myself in.

Insanity is voluntarily living that hell to maintain a destructive disease. It's where Jay got by trying to run the show himself.

I'm glad to finally have that horrible world off my shoulders.

Goodnight!

The Ugly Duckling

"I never dreamed of so much happiness when I was the ugly duckling."

—Hans Christian Andersen

The ugly duckling was not really ugly at all, he was just different. The other ducks teased and pecked and even bit him until the ugly duckling flew away. He wandered around for a year, and was treated as an outcast everywhere. In the spring, he saw a group of swans on a lake, and wanted very much to join them. As he swam out toward them, he was astounded to notice his reflection in the water--he was a swan! The other swans welcomed him warmly, and found him to be beautiful.

Most of us go through times when we feel different from those around us. These are painful and lonely times, but it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us. Like the ugly duckling, we will come into a time when we will be loved. All the pain and loneliness we have felt will help us fully appreciate the acceptance when we find it.

How can I treasure the ways I am different from others today?

Growing up in Alexander City, Al. I always knew I was different. Different isn't really accepted there. When I was younger, the more different I felt, the more I tried to fit in. There finally came a day when I decided that if I was going to be an outsider... I was really going to be an outsider.

I considered my behavior eccentric. Most considered it erratic. That mode of thinking diminished a bit when I started working for a camp run by Easter Seals. Not only did I work with people from all over the country, but from all over the world. I found that I got on better with people from other states and with the internationals. I'd found some level of acceptance.

So I was happier with my life. Why did I become an alcoholic? Well. The behaviors that I developed over many years had already put me on a straight track for that. Alcoholism would rear its ugly head soon enough.

When my friend Cheese and my brother pulled a U-Haul up into my dad's yard getting ready to move to Atlanta, they asked if I wanted to come with them. That was my "Now or Never" moment. Of course I said, "Hell yeah!"

I got there, found a job, was married not too long after that. Moved to Nashville. Got a divorce. Moved to Anchorage. Found my niche as a true party-boy. Using Alaska as a home base, I traveled quite a bit. Solidified my role as a true addict. Moved to Maui and became a beach bum for about seven months. Fun, but not necessarily proud of it. Then here to New Orleans where I decided I would finally try and settle down. It's been a serious, rough transition, and I failed quite a few times.

I rode alot of coattails to do what I did. But not always. I have, however, taken advantage of A LOT OF PEOPLE in my life for my own selfish pursuits.

So there ya go. I was an ugly duckling in a mud puddle. It took me crossing the street to find the lake. It's been a long, hard, glorious road. I'd be lying (even in my sobriety) if I said I regretted all of it.

My thought, tonight, is that I hope you are feeling like the swan. No matter what you had to go through to get there.

Sleep well and have a blessed day tomorrow.

This guy is actually pretty cute!

10 Things I've Gained In Recovery

Been meaning to write about something lately but I keep getting on other subjects....

Well I'm going to write about it tonight. What have I gained so far from my recovery? In true list style that someone would be very proud of, I'm going to lay some of it out. Here goes...

1- I connect better with people. Putting selfishness and ego away, I can now open up and show genuine interest and concern about them. I can feel and show emotion and empathize.

2- I connect with God. Before recovery, pride and fear kept me away from my Higher Power and spiritual growth. Also from how I was brought up.

3- No more waking up frantic, shaky, clammy, shameful, nauseous, or wanting another drink. No more calling in to work over that or going in thinking I'm about to pass out or being paranoid that someone may smell alcohol on me. No more picking up all the pieces when the walls come down.

4- Automatic pay raise. No more blowing money on something that was killing me and my relationships.

5- I don't have to lie anymore. I heard a guy share at a meeting the other night that he could tell the truth now without hurting people.

6- I can be the man I'm supposed to be for those I love. I'm no longer bound by an addiction that kept me a million miles away from effectively being the person they need. She needs. I can have a family and be the provider they'll depend on.

7- I can think clearly and make sound decisions again. Impulse and indecision don't slow me down like they once did.

8- I actually have motivation and drive. Consistency too. The ability to follow through on what I say.

9- I feel so much better about myself. Call it self-worth or self-esteem... Whatever it is, I'm more confident and have faith that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

10- I can go outside! When on a binge, I would stare out the blinds thinking of everything that I was missing in the world. Now if I want to go to the park... I go to the park.

That's just 10. Doesn't make me a Superman. Most people have all of that naturally. Some of us have to work on it. Some of those things people take for granted. I'll think of alot more. May even have to do a part 2 here.

And to the active addict who is suffering out there... Life can be so much better if you let go and ask for help. I did. Break those chains and see it for yourself. ;)

G'night.