Holidays and Headaches

Today was the last Mustard Seed I'll be going to for the week. I have to try and get a new phone tomorrow (on the other side of town) and they wont be meeting Thur. or Fri. There are plenty of other meetings around though. I'll be going to one tonight as a matter of fact. I still make two on my off days.

I have to admit to being a bit put off by some of the shares at my group. I didn't say anything about it, though. It's just that everyone there seems to be dreading the holidays. The bickering, family squabbles, headaches.... The self-pity part of me wanted to interject and say, "Hey. You guys should be thankful you get to spend the holidays with people you love. There was a time in your disease that not very many people would have wanted you around." That's just the God's honest truth about most active addicts. I'm in recovery now and some people still don't want anything to do with me. I'm going to have to spend the holidays alone, so please forgive me for not being very receptive to those woes. I know it's my fault I'll be alone, but that doesn't make the hurt go away.

Once again, though, I have to step back and realize that triggers do arise at family functions, and that certainly needs to be addressed. Just don't make something so special sound like such a chore. It's a blessing. Still love ya Mustard Seed.

In other news, I got off the phone with a guy from California a little bit ago. I'm trying to enroll in their online school for an associates in Alcohol and Drug Counseling. I have an online appointment with him tomorrow to talk about grants. Woot.

Well. I'm just going to hang out here and surf for a while before my next meeting. Maybe listen to some music. I'll write again after my evening meeting.

Working a Strong Program

I'd like to delve a bit more into the holidays, but before that I have a couple of other things.

The first being a talk I had this evening with my boss. He's known about my problem for a little while now and had some questions about it. One was about meetings because I had mentioned that they were a necessity to my recovery. He asked if not going to meetings would make me want to drink. I told him not directly. That missing one meeting led to missing two and then three and so forth. Without meetings we fall back into our old behaviors and eventually we do become at risk. He understood the importance then, and I believe will work with me more (not that he hasn't by any means) on scheduling around my home group. I've been getting pretty active there. We discussed spirituality and how vital it is not just in life, but in the program. He's aware of my prior standings on God and religion, but I explained to him that once I opened up, I could feel a real presence working in my recovery. I always thought something like that would manifest itself with a big bang. Some sudden, overwhelming sense of euphoria. It's actually been quite subtle so far.

Another thing I wanted to share is how I'm sticking to my recovery. I was thinking about this earlier because of the approaching holidays. As I said before, my meetings are a necessity. They keep me centered and the fellowship reminds me that I am not alone. I've run into two people I know from the Mustard Seed today. We stopped and exchanged hellos. It's amazing because that fellowship is present even when walking to work or just shopping for groceries. Getting back to my meetings, though, I find that I look forward to them and will now go out of my way to make sure that I can get to at least one a day. Two when my schedule permits. The serenity and the structure are vital in my sobriety.

The Twelve Steps and sponsorship go hand in hand. My sponsor is leading me through the steps now and we meet quite often. He is also there for support, advice, and even friendship. Without a sponsor you can't effectively work your program. They are a key ingredient. I talk to mine once a day and usually meet twice a week. I get alot from what he has to share with me and the reading he suggests.

There is also prayer, service work, and journaling to name only a few more things. It's reinforcement and it's all worked very well for me. I feel that I've got a strong program going and am very enthusiastic in maintaining it.

Now the holidays. I'll still be rigorously working my recovery every single day. Rest assured that there will be no desire to go out. I know that is a huge concern for alcoholics spending the holidays alone. I'll have various program functions to attend as well. I'm also quite aware that my spending this time alone is of my own doing and I accept full accountability for that....

On the bright side, Hoshun Restaurant will be open on Thanksgiving. Woohoo!

!0th Step Promises and the Holidays

Wow. Just went to one of the best meetings I've ever been to. I got there before anyone else, so I sat up the chairs and waited. It was the usual crowd. Just 6 of us. The moderator chose a topic that made my jaw drop. The 10th Step Promises. Here's a passage.

"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition."

What was so fitting was that I had just been talking about this yesterday, wrote about it last night and today I got a chance to explore it further in a meeting. Now I'm not actually on step 10, not trying to jump ahead of myself, but I can already feel some of what this describes in my life. I think this is because I'm opening myself up to my Higher Power and leaving my skepticism about him and the program at the door. Doing that, I can actually feel things starting to work in my life. I've opened up possibilities that weren't there when I was drinking (or just not recovering). I'm not doing somersaults down the church isle yelling, "I'm cured! I'm cured!" There is however an honest, palpable change in my life and I am grateful.

Ahhhhhh..... Now to talk about the holidays. Not much to say. I look forward to the visiting, the spiritual aspect and giving gifts, but I think that is where I'll be drawing the line this year. It's just going to be too hard to get very involved in all the other stuff. I should've been in a position to share it with the one I love, but I effed that up. At least for this holiday season anyway. All I can say is that I can never be sorry enough, Sweety. I love her more than anything and I will never betray her or that love again. I know this in my heart and in my soul.

Not writing this to start a pity party. Not trying to make anyone feel bad. But it will be my existence this Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's, and I will deal with it all one day at a time.

I visit my folks Jan. 6th -14th. Can't wait to see them and catch up. Working til 10:30 tonight so will try to post again before midnight.

Oh. Finally paid off one of those things on my credit report. Woot.