Kleenex and Amends

Last night's meeting was sad. Our moderator started the topic of making amends. She then went on to share that she was glad she had done so with her father when she did. Not too long afterward, she was called out of state to see him as he was on his deathbed. She said that if those amends hadn't been made, she wouldn't have gone and he would have passed alone.

I think that turned the topic more toward making amends with your loved ones, because you never know how long you have with them. My service work for the meeting became "kleenex runner".

There was regret for the people who didn't get the chance to make things right with their family or friends who are no longer with us. They had to do what we call "Graveside Amends". There were people who were relieved that they got to reconnect with those they pushed away before they were gone.

I felt the need to share about my biological mom. She's still with us. I don't talk to her often. When I do, it's just to make sure she's ok. I told the group that at one time I would've said, "What do I need to make amends with her for?!" Or "She should be making amends with me." That's not what the step, or life, is about though. I thought maybe I could apologize for resenting her all these years. Or maybe the small stuff, like running her phone bill sky high one time. That's a tough one and it's going to take alot of thought. Steps 8 and 9 are just around the corner....

Well. I have to be at work soon, but I'll post again afterward. Take care, all!

A Cup Full of Regret

Having a coffee at PJ's then meeting a friend for a bit before work. Spectacular meeting at Mustard Seed. And spectacularly hard. We talked about regret. The older folks lamented that they wish they would have gotten sober when they were younger. Some felt they had wasted a lifetime and others had the realization that it took all the bad in their pasts to get to the good they enjoy now.

When it came my turn, I shared that I counted myself lucky that I stopped at 38. Fairly young by today's standards. I still have quite a few years to make better decisions and build the life that I want. I talked about things lost. Things found. And then things lost again. Mainly jobs and relationships. Not to boast, but I've lost some really good jobs.... That may sound a bit lighthearted, but I can assure you it is very serious. I've had friends and relationships come and go. The ones that stuck around took shit from me over and over again. I'm eternally sorry to all of you and am eternally thankful to the ones who never gave up on me. I got there... eventually. You find out who really means "through thick and thin" when you go through a sickness like mine. I couldn't be more appreciative of where I am right now and to finally have put that malady of the heart, mind and body behind me.

I talked about Sarah and how horrible it was for her to live with my illness. She'd had a lifetime of hurt and sorrow from family and friends. Instead of holding her tight and not letting go when she shared the bad stuff with me, I just added to it. Again, I'm so sorry, Sweety. My bull-headedness may very well have cost me her too. I hope not.

Will write more tonight. Going to try again at The Lost Child Pt. 2. It'll be late posting if I do. About to head down to the Riverwalk and maybe a quick ferry ride before I leave for work.

This band was playing right outside the coffee shop.

I think they were from Tulane.