The Lost Child Revisited

Been thinking lately about where I found my addictive roots... In my early childhood

I found myself hooked on as simple things as caffeine. This is a flash-back to my early days.

The country can be a magical place. Countless worlds to explore that often go overlooked by an older, more cynical mind. For a child, however, a lake, a forest, or even an old dirt road can present endless possibilities.

There was once a boy who spent his earlier years in just such a place. He had a huge family, and there were always cousins, aunts, and uncles around who doted on him. He was the baby of the baby. He liked drawing, catching bugs with his grandma, fishing, and even preaching the gospel from the front porch. There was never a lack of things to do that would capture his innocent, creative little mind.

He had a loving father, his grandparents were always there for him, he had friends that he would sometimes play with. He had a mother who didn't want him. She could be loving and protective, but she could also be ignorant and harmful. There was many a time when she would choose her wild lifestyle over the well-being of her only son. Doing drugs and being intimate with people he didn't even really know right in front of him despite the crying and the fear. She would eventually leave him and it was perhaps the best thing she ever did in her life. And his.

Things got better from there. The boy and his father moved in with his grandparents. Things became much better. Dad would work, he would spend the day outside being free and running wild, grandma would sit on the porch shelling peas. Everything seemed to have it's place. Church every Sunday, using his tiny hands to help grandpa carry firewood, walking the backwoods with his uncle to catch crawfish. It was a wonderfully simple life he spent with people he truly loved.

His mother never turned back up. He would see her from time to time at the lake with some of her more upstanding friends, and sometimes she would even act happy to see him. He couldn't understand why she would say "Hi" and then go back to her party. His grandmother was his mother now. His grandparents helped raise him and taught him many valuable things that he would forget over the years.

I feel really blessed to have this to read over again. Still feel like I've only scratched the surface.

All Things New, Pt. 7: Death to Life (Cornerstone Sermon Podcast 04-08-12)

Love the useless facts (watch and you'll know what I'm talking about), but more importantly I love the message.... And I have had ladies' footwear hurled at me. You know who you are. Probably have no idea this blog exists, though. Ha.

This message is about rebirth and resurrection. What better rebirth, next to our Savior, than the rebirth of our lives from addiction. Finding the right path and making this world a better place.

You can't change your past. You can only learn from it and help others through your experience.

The most profound thing I got from this sermon was that a significant sign of maturity is that we can't do it all. We don't know it all. We cannot possibly be in control of everything in our lives. We deal with the now. A philosophy from decades ago in the Big Book.

Thank you, Rusty. It was a beautiful message and quite uplifting. I'll talk to ya in June!

Goodnight peeps. And have a blessed day tomorrow. :)

As Good as the Next Person

Before I met A.A., I was very dishonest. I lied to my spouse constantly about where I had been and what I'd been doing. I took time off from my work and pretended I'd been sick or gave some other dishonest excuse. I was dishonest with myself, as well as with other people. I would never face myself as I really was or admit when I was wrong. I pretended to myself that I was as good as the next person, although I suspected I wasn't. Am I now really honest?

I totally agree with everything that I read in today's thought... Except for one item.

I had myself fooled into thinking that I was as good as the next person? Sure. I did some really crappy things to a lot of people. Folks who by no means deserved that behavior. Was I a bad human being? No.

Even in the height of my addiction, I'd still have given another the shirt off my back. I was never some evil kind of monster...

I was very selfish in my actions. I didn't give a lot of thought to consequences. And yes... I called in to work often. Those behaviors began to away when I first started my steps and reconnected with God.

I'm very grateful! Have a good night...

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 5- Lust (Cornerstone Sermon 02-12-12)

Pastor Hutson assures us that, given the proximity to a certain notable day, this is just the order in which the sermon fell. Still relevant to love and relationships... among other things. Anything that is introduced to us that we want, that is unattainable, that will ultimately never satisfy us, but we still want it so bad causes lust. Like in addiction, I chased something that was destructive, was temporary relief at best, and only one never satisfied me. As they say, "One's too many and a thousand is never enough."

He brought up an interesting analogy... People who are lost at sea will often eventually start drinking sea water. They get so thirsty they convince themselves that it will be ok. Well, the more they drink, the thirstier they get. They keep drinking and eventually it kills them. Sounds kinda familiar.

Click on the link below to hear the sermon. I got a lot out of it.... Much of it deals with relationships, and I can always use advice on that!

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 5- Lust

The stats that he presents at the beginning about human trafficking is both mind-blowing and scary. It's disgusting that some part of our society has created a very lucrative market for this.

Listening to this was an awesome way to start my day, and I have quite a bit to do. I'll be posting a little something special later on when I get back.

Until then... Have a great day!

Step 10!

I met with my sponsor this morning. We went to CC's Coffee (Rue is closed for Mardi Gras... forgot about that). We chatted for a while. Talked about my amends. Then we talked about taking a continuous moral inventory and when wrong, promptly admitting it. After that, he said, "Ok. That's Step 10." Pretty quick step I thought. It's something that I started picking up on back in Step 4. It's not really something I do a worksheet on, though. It's something I practice for the rest of my life. We talked a bit about how he has recently applied it in a few specific situations. It's not easy, but I'm assured that it becomes second nature over time.

Work wasn't quite as hectic as I thought. Not until the first parade ended and just before the second parade. On the way back, I figured I'd stop and watch the second one. Krewe of Pygmalion. Not the most interesting parade, but I enjoy watching them. Had to leave before it was completely over. It was very cold and I was starting to cough again.

The camera on my phone isn't very good...

I heard about Whitney Houston's death a little bit ago. She had a very tragic life of abuse and addiction. They say they don't know how she died and I wont speculate. I will say that too many of us meet an early end because we simply didn't surrender and ask for help.

Well. I'm going to sit down, rest, and maybe eat some wafflecone ice cream. I hope you a good night and a blessed day tomorrow.

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 4- Sloth (Cornerstone Sermon 02-05-12)

As you know, I really enjoy the Cornerstone Church podcasts with Pastor Rusty Hutson. Especially this series on the Seven Deadly Sins. In this blog I like being able to share things that I learn from and mean something to me.

When discussing Sloth this past Sunday, he described it as not being the best possible person we could be for God, ourselves, and the ones we love. The ones who depend on us. How it eventually destroys relationships and effects people in our lives.

Sloth, for me, has manifested in so many ways over the years. Just getting by, taking the easiest way out, looking for instant gratification and not working for something meaningful...

In my addiction sloth manifested as complacency. Thinking just being sober was enough and not rising for something better. None of those things get you anywhere in life or in service. It often got me a hard slap to the ground. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over again and expecting different results. For me, one of those things was doing nothing at all.

It's a great sermon this week and I learned alot. There's some very good stuff in there. Below is the link.

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 4- Sloth

Goodnight!

An Automatic Pay Raise

I had a really good day today. It was nice out too. I hope it's the same for the next couple of days. I have those off.

Was just reading the Thought for the Day in the 24 Hours book. I can remember only too well the duress my blowing money in bars and liquor stores put on me and my loved ones. What was it for? A few hours of feeling better about things and hiding from feelings? The selfishness of that is mind-boggling. Hiding was a very expensive habit. And thinking about what that money could have been better spent on makes me cringe.

I not only paid in money, though. I paid for addiction in pain, relationships, fear, anxiety, and failure. So when folks in the program say that you get an automatic pay raise, they mean it in other ways too.

Actually being there for the ones you love, not living in fear of being found out about something, waking in the morning without feeling like you are going to die, ...having a bright future ahead... Those things are priceless.

What a load wasting money puts on your shoulders! They say that members of A.A. have paid the highest initiation fee of any club members in the world, because we've wasted so much money on liquor. We'll never be able to figure out how much it was. We not only wasted our own money, but also the money we should have spent on our families. When you come into A.A., that terrible load of wasted money falls off your shoulders. We alcoholics were getting round-shouldered from carrying all those loads that drinking put on our shoulders. But when we come into A.A., we get a wonderful feeling of release and freedom. Can I throw back my shoulders and look the whole world in the face again?

Goodnight, my friends.

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 3- Greed and Envy (Cornerstone Sermon 01-22-12)

Just listened to the latest podcast from Cornerstone Church. Part 3 of their series, Old Habits Die Hard, deals with 2 more of the deadly sins: Greed and Envy. Rusty Hutson was back delivering the message and was quite open about some of his dealings with envy as it relates to self-worth.

There are parts of this sermon that I could certainly relate to my own past. Some parts were pretty heavy. Overall, from a spiritual aspect, I thought it was a lovely service and wish I could have been there. I so enjoyed being there with my fam for the first one.

One thing he talked about reminded me of something I shared with some of the old-timers in north Georgia AA (the Helen group). About how one of my problems in addiction, and life in general, was that I had this attitude of, "Wow. I have this and it is good. Wouldn't it be great if I had this, too, to put on top of it?"

The desire to acquire gone haywire. I think that's what Rusty called greed. He mentioned a survey that was done with "regular, normal" people. There was a list of answers of what they would do for 10 million dollars, and I can tell ya it was ghastly.

He then went on to envy. Proverbs 14:30, "A heart in peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." It's a sickness and that's why it's commonly associated with green, according to him. Makes sense.

Anywho... I wont give it all away. Here's the sermon... Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 3- Greed and Envy

These behaviors and emotions certainly aren't curable, but they are manageable in our life choices and everyday living. I'm getting alot out of these podcasts!

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 2- Anger (Cornerstone Sermon Podcast 01-15-12)

I was just going over old podcasts on the Cornerstone Church website and came across parts 2 and 3 of Old Habits Die Hard... The series on the seven deadly sins. As this shouldn't be substituted for therapy, it is very helpful in recognizing and dealing with certain emotions and behaviors. Part 2 was about anger. More specifically, unhealthy anger.

I particularly liked how it was put in its place as a secondary emotion. Used as a tool or defense mechanism to deal with other less comfortable events and feelings. This is another good sermon topic that can be related to addiction. We use anger and alcohol to escape hurt, disappointment, fear, rejection... the list could go on and on. We deal with these things by lashing out. We also lash out at the people we love, and destroy wonderful relationships in the process.

Listen for the 4 ways of expressing anger too. I could see my pre-recovery self in all of them. Don't get me wrong, I still get mad sometimes.

The best of us do, however. The challenging thing is learning to deal with it positively. Click here to listen- Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 2- Anger .

How am I doing today? Still down, unfortunately. Not getting mad about it, blaming others or drinking over it, though.... so I guess in a way I can say that I'm doing well. :)

It'll be a late night at work, but I'll post again for the night owls when I get back.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Friends in Relapse

The first half of my day wasn't very fruitful. I got up a little earlier than usual with a fairly lengthy "To-Do" list. Then the rain came and scratched that. I was able to mark one thing off. Rent.

Hung out here for a while and watched Sherlock on Netflix. I'm a bit of a Doyle purist, but am impressed with Gatiss' and Moffat's take on it. I was always a Mycroft fan and Mark Gatiss pulls it off beautifully. Not sure how I feel yet about Moriarty. Just like The Master in Doctor Who, I've always seen him as the bearded Machiavellian.

The second half of the day involved me sitting with a friend who has relapsed. She sent me a message earlier this afternoon that she needed help. Her sponsor couldn't leave work, so I stayed until she could get there. The lady lost her entire family because of drugs and alcohol. That's how powerful addiction is. I know it was her choice, but it makes me so angry that everyone in her life turned their backs on her. Plus, I know what it feels like to a small extent, and can see how the loneliness and pain can drive someone back to using. It's a seriously misunderstood disease, and she's a good person. One way to guarantee that you stay alone, however, is to go back to your old habits. She's in good hands, now, and I'm back at the apartment trying to figure out where to put a couch and a TV.

That may sound trivial, but to someone overcoming alcoholism, it's one of the coolest things in the world.

I'm going to pray for my friend (and not judge her). I'm very grateful for her, too. Helping other addicts contributes to keeping me from going back. I'll give her sponsor a call in a bit to see how things are going.

Goodnight and be well...

Crowded Days

I will take the most crowded day without fear. I believe that God is with me and controlling all. I will let confidence be the motif running through all the crowded day. I will not get worried, because I know that God is my helper. Underneath are the everlasting arms. I will rest in them, even though the day is full of things crowding in upon me.

That's the daily meditation from 24 Hours. Man I wish I would've read that before my day started. It was pretty hectic. I don't know what was going around town. Mardi Gras doesn't go into full swing until next month.

I have to say, though, that through working the steps I am more confident and decisive in hectic situations. Sure, I had to deal with some chaos at work today, but I kept my serenity. I was significantly less easy to frustrate than I once was. There was a time in my addiction when, if a situation got too difficult, things were just alot easier for me if I shut down completely. Did I get anything accomplished that way? Of course not. And it hurt people too.

Now I prefer to take challenging situations head-on and look at them positively. No matter how bad or complicated or overwhelming they may be. Life becomes so much easier when ya realize that God's got your back!

Goodnight...

Post-New Year's Resolutions

I ate Popeye's for lunch and have felt rotten the entire day. That got me thinking about some of the life choices I've been making lately. Eating alot of junk food being only one. Then I thought it might be therapeutic to write a list of... resolutions. For some reason I don't like that word. I'm not scared of it. It just sounds cheesy to me.

Anyhow. Here's some stuff that I've been thinking about working on. These aren't the BIG things. Just some everyday things that can contribute to my well-being.

1) Eating more Subway if I'm looking for fast food. I used to eat it everyday and I liked it. And it's cheap. Healthier too. I got into the habit of snacking again as well. Gotta stop that. Need to drink more water. I drink waaaay too much diet soda.

2) I need to get back into reading again. There was a time when I read one book after another. Teresa gave me a really good one for Christmas called God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked. By Darrell Hammond. It's about his history of abuse and addiction. I'll start that on my off days next week.

3) Stopping smoking! I've cut down, but need to quit altogether. I tried a while back, but it was just way too much of an emotional time. Things have settled a bit and I have my health and a future family to think about.

4) Seeing my family more. I want to get to a point where we can make a few weekend visits on top of our two week-long visits every year.

5) I want to get back into sketching again. I was really good at one time. It's a talent that is going to waste.

There. That's 5. I'll be working on some more and keep ya updated. If anyone has any suggestions, by all means let me know! :)

Have a great night...

Old Habits Die Hard (Podcast of sermon from Cornerstone Church)

The reason I was so excited about this sermon is how relevant I thought it was to the subject of addiction. I was also very interested to hear about how Thomas Aquinas broke gluttony down into 6 categories. That made the subject even clearer. You may be a bit surprised, as well, at how many calories we consume in a day as compared to other areas of the world.

This sermon was delivered by Rusty Hutson at Cornerstone Church. They're doing great things over there, and if you are in the Auburn area, I highly recommend it.... So here it is. The link to the podcast of the Jan. 8th sermon.

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 1- Gluttony

I'll be writing a regular post later tonight...

Gluttony and Mushroom Recipes

Got up this morning just before Dad and Teresa got to Jeremy and Lacie's. We all went to church together. It's a new fellowship they found called Cornerstone. I really enjoyed the service. Even went to the website to find the transcript of the sermon, but it isn't posted yet.

The sermon was the first in a series called Old Habits Die Hard- The Seven Deadly Sins. The sin du jour was gluttony. Very relevant to my recovery. In many ways gluttony and addiction go hand in hand. Over-indulgence to the point where you are no longer in control of what you are consuming. I sat glued the entire time to what was being said. As soon as the sermon is posted, I'll share it. We all thought it was funny that, at the end, the first thing everyone started talking about was what restaurant they were going to... including us.

Ended up grabbing some stuff for lunch at Kroger. Pizza, salad, mushrooms... I bought some baby portabella mushroom caps and sauteed them in a half inch of olive oil, minced garlic, pepper, Tony Chachere's seasoning, then topped them with grated parmesan. People seemed to really like it, so I thought I'd share. ;)

We all said our goodbyes, and off I went to Georgia with Dad and Teresa. Slept most of the way. Now everyone's settled in for the night... Looking forward to tomorrow and helping out around the house.

Until then, goodnight and God bless!

Leaving the Dreamworld Behind

Thought for the Day from the 24 Hours book.

We have definitely left that dream world behind. It was only a sham. It was a world of our making and it was not the real world. We are sorry for the past, yes, but we learned a lot from it. We can put it down to experience, valuable experience, as we see it now, because it has given us the knowledge necessary to face the world as it really is. We had to become alcoholics in order to find the A.A. program. We would not have got it any other way. In a way, it was worth it. Do I look at my past as valuable experience?

This is perfect for where I am in my steps. Alot of people were hurt along the way and alot of mistakes were made. Even the folks with 25 years under their belts will tell you that they slipped and slid before they truly surrendered to God and recovery. It doesn't justify the horrible things we did. We can only hope and pray that the ones who truly love us forgive and stick by us. That, in recovery, they see we aren't really the people of our pasts. That we are capable of so much more.

It's not just about them, though. First and foremost, we must show ourselves what we are capable of. Once we see the awesome things recovery offers, when worked earnestly, the will to go back to the previous life fades away.

I'd like to say "Thank You" to the folks who stick by me. There are some who are less inclined to do so, and I understand. All I can do is ask them for forgiveness and the opportunity to show them what kind of man I really am. And always was, had I not been influenced by addiction.

I work late tonight, but I'm going to post again when I get back.

Have a great day.