5 Things I'm Powerless Over in Alcoholism

I have officially moved on to my second step.

"Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Men's group was good. Fittingly enough, the topic was the second step. Later at the Rue my sponsor looked over my list of things I was powerless over in alcohol and said, "That's it." After that, we just sat and had a good, long conversation about our alcoholic careers. We're meeting again Friday. Here's the list. It's only 5 things, but there are many more he said that would come to me...

1) Drinking while knowing that it would ruin my relationship. I didn't drink to actually do that, but did so with the knowledge. That's insanity. Who would voluntarily ruin the single best thing that had ever happened to them? Someone who is powerless over another influence. That's who. That was me. I allowed myself to be a slave for way too long.

2) Drinking all the way up to about 2 or 3 hours before an important engagement. Work mainly. That led me to calling in quite a bit, and I lost quite a few jobs over it. Knowing that you have something important to do and jeopardizing it for a few more hours of numbness? That's powerlessness.

3) Drinking with the knowledge that it was literally killing me. That's borderline suicidal. That's how powerless we are when we aren't working a full recovery.

4) Sincerely resolving to stop after a binge or an allnighter then picking right up again. Alot of people will say, "Well why don't you just stop?" or "You must have weak willpower." Willpower alone doesn't stop an addict. At least not for long. We have to find a greater power outside of ourselves or statistically we end up going back.

5) Knowing that drinking is tearing the ones we love apart and doing it anyway. I have to make something clear. It's not that we don't love the ones we hurt. Most of us don't do it to hurt other people. Some may. I don't know. It's just that alcohol has such a powerful grip on our lives that we are blind and numb to it. We dare not face it. Even when sober and not working a recovery, many of us carry the same attitudes as when we are drunk. To the ones I love, I am so sorry. Especially you, Cupcake. You had a front row seat.

As I've learned in the Big Book and at meetings, it's not a moral decision or a question of ethics. It's truly being powerless over something that offers immediate gratification and escape. And it also ruins lives. Finding strength and getting the right kind of help puts us on the road to getting that power, and ourselves, back.

I've used the words "we" and "us" alot. For everytime I did that, you can substitute it with an "I". This isn't an unusual story for addicts, though. What I've discovered about myself in the first step has made me a stronger, more self-aware individual.

Serenity Now

I've discovered that the truest test of how well I maintain my serenity is at work. Tonight I was working the area that I like the very least. I can honestly say that dealing with the endless parade of people used to frustrate me to no end. It was frustrating tonight and I caved a bit in my attempt to quit smoking completely. I ended up having about 3 or 4 for the entire day. Nothing to sneeze at, but it does mean that there is more work to do.

I didn't want to drink, though. I didn't take it out on anyone else and I didn't slam any doors. I just did my job and took a breather whenever I needed one. You see, I'm not just abstaining from alcohol. I'm working my recovery. Using tools that I learn in my program to overcome behaviors from my past. Behaviors that, quite frankly, made me look like an ass. Giving in to frustration being only one.

In abstinence all you are doing is not drinking. This works for a few, but for most the old behaviors are still there and they eventually end up going back out again. I was one of those people for a while. Being content with not drinking. Thinking everyone else should be too. Thought I had all the answers, but would inevitably find myself back at square one. "The Doctor's Opinion" in the Big Book has a lot of good stuff regarding this. I've added a link to it in a previous post too. Through recovery (not just abstinence) I've learned alot about why I drank, the behaviors that led to me going back, and what I can do to ensure that I never drink again. If one is serious, earnest, honest, and willing to stick to their program, there is no reason to ever suffer that hell again. Enthusiasm is key too. Happiness comes naturally when you start to heal. It's working for me.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

The Doctor's Opinion

Not that Doctor. I'm not that big of a nerd. My sponsor and I read "The Doctor's Opinion" from the Big Book after the meeting... I picked up my chip tonight (as seen on the right). We had an awesome topic too. Honesty. Now I'll discuss what I got from our reading after I share with you what I shared this evening at the group.

I hadn't even planned on speaking tonight, but I was getting too many "Oh Yeah..." moments from listening to the others. There was a lot of laughter from hearing some the misadventures such as when someone got a flat and changed the wrong tire. Mine was when my friend and I frequented a karaoke bar in Anchorage. We always had some kind of plan for picking up the ladies. One night I leaned in and told him that we were using our Scottish accents tonight.... because what woman doesn't go crazy for a bad, obviously fake accent. And my friend is Polynesian. It was butt-headed unrealistic thinking. Things got more serious when I moved on to the days when I would seclude myself and not want to see anyone. I built, as I call them, alternate realities. Layers of lies that I even believed myself. And maintaining these fake realities, building upon them was a full-time job and became exhausting. Inevitably, the walls would come crashing down around me and damage the ones I love most. I shared how I had found a new honesty by opening up to recovery and writing on these very pages. You, dear reader, are one of the reasons I was able to pick up that chip tonight. Thank you again.

Here's an excerpt from The Big Book that I wanted to post. From The Doctor's Opinion in the front. I've linked them in case anyone is interested. Here goes.

"If any feel that as psychiatrists directing a hospital for alcoholics we appear somewhat sentimental, let them stand with us a while on the firing line, see the tragedies, the despairing wives, the little children; let the solving of these problems become a part of their daily work, and even of their sleeping moments, and the most cynical will not wonder that we have accepted and encouraged this movement. We feel, after many years of experience, that we have found nothing which has contributed more to the rehabilitation of these men than the altruistic movement now growing up among them.

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.

On the other hand—and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand—once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules."

I believe the psychic change he speaks of comes after the moment of clarity. When the realization comes upon one that he or she cannot continue without destroying his or herself and the ones they hold dear. When their eyes are finally open to the damage they've caused and are genuinely remorseful. This is when I opened up and decided to work my recovery. I have become more honest with myself and everyone around me. I heard someone say earlier that it was nice being able to tell the truth without hurting people.

It's a wonderful feeling to finally be free of the chains of alcoholism. One day at a time.

When the Rooster Crows

Still sort of early, but I'm closing tonight so I thought I'd record the first part of my day. I got up just as the sun was rising and met my sponsor at Mojo's before the meeting. We chatted for a little while. He asked if there had been anything on my mind since we last met. I told him I was working on patience and tolerance. He gave me some advice and said that he still does too sometimes. Doing better though. I was at Zara's Grocery getting a Diet Coke afterward. They couldn't take a card for payment unless I was spending 5 dollars. Instead of being rude or rolling my eyes I smiled and said, "Ok. Thank you." I didn't have any cash and it would have cost more than the drink to use an ATM. When I went outside, the guy that was behind me asked if I needed money for a coke. It was very nice of him and I told him that I appreciated it very much, but I would just go to the next store and use my card. As a habit, I don't carry much cash. It's safer in the bank.

Anyway. Back to the meeting. The subject was gossip and the harm it can do to recovery if not dealt with correctly. Now I know that there's plenty of talk about me right now (and some not-so-good). I've seen a few things on Facebook that have stung. I've even had to block a couple of people so I couldn't see it. Not sure if that was the right approach or not, but I didn't need it in my recovery. I notice that I've lost a couple of friends on there too. Can't blame them and can't let it bring me down. Maybe the biggest thing I got from the meeting, though, is being more social afterwards. I actually hung around and talked... I never did that. And ya know what? It helps.

After we were done, my sponsor and I walked over to the park and started reading the Big Book. We discussed it a little and parted ways. Told him I'd call him tomorrow. We're meeting again Tuesday to read and talk more. Get my one month chip that night too. Woot!

And for someone who may or may not read this. I know you already know, but I never went to the emergency room. Should have told you a long time ago. Was too afraid to own up. I'm sorry.