It Takes a Village

We're in A.A. for two main reasons: to keep sober ourselves and to help others to keep sober. It's a well-known fact that helping others is a big part of keeping sober yourself. It's also been proved that it's very hard to keep sober all by yourself. A lot of people have tried it and failed. They come to a few A.A. meetings and then stay sober alone for a few months, but usually they eventually get drunk. Do I know that I can't stay sober successfully alone?

I know that for me, it's taken the help of a whole network of people to stay sober. From my sponsor, to my family and friends, my Higher Power, my fellow AA members, those that I do service work with and for... Heck. Sometimes just a stranger I talk to on the street. You may say it's taken a village to save a drunk.

Bad things tend to happen when I try to solve all of my problems on my own.

Well. It's pushing midnight and I have to be up early. Still haven't taken a shower either. Have a great night and a fantastic tomorrow!

Sneaky Flaws of Character

I had to show off and boast so that people would think I amounted to something, when, of course, both they and I knew that I really didn't amount to anything. I didn't fool anybody. Although I've been sober for quite a while, the old habit of building my self up is still with me. I still have a tendency to think too well of myself and to pretend to be more than I really am. Am I always in danger of becoming conceited just because I'm sober?

I've always had a problem with boastfulness and building myself up to look better in front of my friends, family, heck even people I didn't like. Sure that behavior may make you more interesting to some for a while, but people grow weary of that habit very quickly... And it is a habit. For me that behavior was almost compulsive.

I've gotten alot better about it in recovery. Still find that character flaw try to resurface sometimes... When I don't even realize it. Those old habits can be very sneaky and sometimes right under the surface. That's why vigilance can never be overtstated in AA.

Well. Time to call it a night! Hope you have a good one and God Bless!

Seeing is Believing

People believe in A.A. when they see it work. An actual demonstration is what convinces them. What they read in books, what they hear people say doesn't always convince them. But when they see a real honest to goodness change take place in a person, a change from a drunkard to a sober, useful citizen, that's something they can believe because they can see it. There's really only one thing that proves to me that A.A. works. Have I seen the change in people who come into A.A.?

When I see a group member picking up a 30 year chip, that's all the proof I need that the program works if you put your all into it. I haven't even made it a year yet. I can only imagine what it's like being decades in. It's nice being a functioning member of society too. Still a lot of work ahead and I know that I need to be putting my nose closer to the grindstone. That was a great Thought today!

Work went really well. Just slow and looooong. I'm off tomorrow, though, so that gave me a little light at the end of the tunnel. :)

Well.... It's about time I turned in. Have a great night and a blessed day!

This New World

Having found my way into this new world by the grace of God and the help of A.A., am I going to take that first drink, when I know that just one drink will change my whole world? Am I deliberately going back to the suffering of that alcoholic world? Or am I going to hang onto the happiness of this sober world? Is there any doubt about the answer? With God's help, am I going to hang onto A.A. with both hands?

I'm finally at a point in my life where I realize that there are just some things in this world I can't do... I can't compose a piano concerto. I can't manipulate that one little subatomic particle that turns lead into gold. And I can't drink. At least not without destroying what little I've built and bringing everything and everyone down around me.

One drink is all it takes. One drink and that meltdown is right around the corner. For an alcoholic, you cannot stop at just one drink. For most of us it stops when we either run out of money or can't physically raise the glass to your head.

I'm grateful for this new way of living that my Higher Power has not only shown me, but helped me to maintain.

Goodnight!

All Things New, Pt. 5: My Glory to His Glory (Cornerstone Sermon Podcast 03-25-12)

In the process of listening to the latest sermon from my favorite church. Thought I'd go ahead and post the link. :)

It's been a very busy day. Going to have to go to bed early. I hope everyone has a great night and God Bless! Here's the daily thought from Hazelden...

Strength comes also from working with other alcoholics. When you are trying to help a new prospect with the program, you are building up your own strength at the same time. You see the other person in the condition you might be in yourself and it makes your resolve to stay sober stronger than ever. Often, you help yourself more than the other person, but if you do succeed in helping the prospect to get sober, you are stronger from the experience of having helped another person. Am I receiving strength from working with others?

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 4- Sloth (Cornerstone Sermon 02-05-12)

As you know, I really enjoy the Cornerstone Church podcasts with Pastor Rusty Hutson. Especially this series on the Seven Deadly Sins. In this blog I like being able to share things that I learn from and mean something to me.

When discussing Sloth this past Sunday, he described it as not being the best possible person we could be for God, ourselves, and the ones we love. The ones who depend on us. How it eventually destroys relationships and effects people in our lives.

Sloth, for me, has manifested in so many ways over the years. Just getting by, taking the easiest way out, looking for instant gratification and not working for something meaningful...

In my addiction sloth manifested as complacency. Thinking just being sober was enough and not rising for something better. None of those things get you anywhere in life or in service. It often got me a hard slap to the ground. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over again and expecting different results. For me, one of those things was doing nothing at all.

It's a great sermon this week and I learned alot. There's some very good stuff in there. Below is the link.

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 4- Sloth

Goodnight!

Tearing Down Walls and Cooking Cajun Style

It was a great first day off. Made a couple of meetings and I made some jambalaya. I've kinda missed cooking. I may even look into getting a small grill to take to the parades with me during Mardi Gras.

Was reading the thought for the day earlier and it was about loneliness...

A drinking life isn't a happy life. Drinking cuts you off from other people and from God. One of the worst things about drinking is the loneliness. And one of the best things about A.A. is the fellowship. Drinking cuts you off from other people, at least from the people who really matter to you, your family, your co-workers, and your real friends. No matter how much you love them, you build up a wall between you and them by your drinking. You're cut off from any real companionship with them. As a result, you're terribly lonely. Have I got rid of my loneliness?

I complain about being lonely sometimes. I'm not totally alone, though. I have God and I have people who love me that I can call at any time of day. I find fellowship in meetings and in church. Those are things that I'd walled out of my life while drinking... and even when I was sober but not recovering. I try not to cry when I imagine all that I missed in that horrible time. It makes me wish I could go back and love like I should have. That's a futile thing to do, however. Can't change the past. We can only learn from it.

Have I gotten rid of my loneliness (as the passage asks). No. Not completely. But the walls are no longer there. That means that I can definitely make the present and the future better for me and my loved ones. I can connect with them and grow with them. It's a beautiful feeling.

This isn't a "woe is me" post, by the way. Just sharing what I got from the thought. I'm in a pretty decent mood and am getting ready to watch some American Pickers and Pawn Stars. My international friends may have to Google those shows... LOL. They're fairly popular here.

Well. I'm going to settle in. I hope you have a great evening and a blessed tomorrow!

Marvelous and Majestic

I will never forget to say thank you to God, even on the greyest days. My attitude will be one of humility and gratitude. Saying thank you to God is a daily practice that is absolutely necessary. If a day is not one of thankfulness, the practice has to be repeated until it becomes so. Gratitude is a necessity for those who seek to live a better life.

I love that today's meditation deals with gratitude! I hate to name-drop, but I do talk to a pretty important guy everyday. To say that you have the ear of the most powerful force in the universe is somethin' else... Ok. I'll stop being cheesy. It's true though.

I thank God every night (and throughout the day) for everything he's done for me. I am a different, better person, and I couldn't have done it without him. I thank him for the people he has put in my life. People that have made me better. People who really love me. :) I thank him for everyday that I have on this planet (I know that I'm not guaranteed another one...). I thank him for every sober day on this planet too. I thank him for putting me in a position to be of service to other people. And every once in a while, say I'm hiking up a gorgeous mountain pass knee-deep in snow, I whisper my gratitude.

That's Hatcher Pass, BTW. Haven't been there in forever and it's one of my favorite places on earth. My Alaskan peeps know what I'm talkin' about.

True gratitude requires humility, though. I have to say that I am truly humbled by all the marvelous and majestic things God has put in my life! I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me...

Until tomorrow, my friends... Goodnight.

Hatcher Pass. This is me with my bro

before I moved up in 2001. For more info

on the pass click here...

Peace, Love, and Jay

Whew. I'm not going to say much about today except that it is almost over. Thank God.

I love Christmas, but this one was the biggest challenge to my recovery yet. I stayed strong and pushed through it, though. I think it was obvious to anyone within 50 yards that I wasn't the happiest elf in the workshop. I owned my feelings, however, and tried to make it as pleasant for everyone around me as possible. Didn't drink. Talked to my sponsor. Called my family... Even my bio-mom. Knowing that a conversation with her wouldn't be very productive, I still wanted to wish her a Merry Christmas. She didn't disappoint. The first thing she tells me regarding her holiday is about the laxative she took this morning.

Funny thing... We had some musical lights playing near where I was working. I thought to myself, "Well. Now is a good time to unplug them since we wont need them tomorrow." I walked over to them, and I couldn't bring myself to turn them off. I suppose there is still a small part of me that hates to see Christmas go.

To be quite honest, all I looked forward to today was finding the quiet serenity of my new apartment. Here's the Thought for the Day from 24 Hours...

Many alcoholics will be saying today: "This is a good Christmas for me." They will be looking back over past Christmases, which were not like this one. They will be thanking God for their sobriety and their newfound life. They will be thinking about how their lives were changed when they came into A.A. They will be thinking that perhaps God let them live through all the hazards of their drinking careers, when they were perhaps often close to death, in order that they might be used by Him in the great work of A.A. Is this a happy Christmas for me?

I'm happy that I've lived another sober day on this earth. I'm happy in my recovery. And I am eternally grateful to God for everything. But, no. This wasn't a happy Christmas. Ya know what, though. Maybe not all of them will be great, and that's ok. :)

On a brighter note... I certainly hope you and your's had a spectacular holiday. I very much look forward to next year's.

I wish everyone Peace, Love, and Joy! Joyeux Noel!

Why Am I Here?

That was tonight's topic. Some stories were happy... some were sad. The relapsers who just came back into our ranks admitted that they had gone back out because they didn't have sponsors or weren't working their steps. That was my problem for the longest time. Self-will. Finally getting a real sponsor and working the hell out of those steps have made me a different person. A better person. Still Jay, just minus the personality crippling defects. And that is with some humility and direct help from my Higher Power.

So why am I here? I'm here for me. To save my life. To make myself better for me and the ones I love. To have the tools to deal with life on life's terms. To be in a position to help my fellows in any way I can. To find success and happiness. To have that family and that future with the woman I love so much. To live a sober and fruitful life. Things I couldn't do when I wasn't in recovery. I'm very grateful.

Going to be doing my amends very soon. My sponsor wants to see the list this weekend. We sat for about 2 hours at his apartment after the meeting chatting and reading.... and drinking coffee.

So that was my evening. Hope your's was great. Have a good night and a great tomorrow!

Old-Timers and Gumbo

I got to the men's group way early tonight. I figured I'd help set up chairs before the meeting. I actually ended up freezing my butt off for about 40 minutes. No worries, though. I was still where I needed to be.

Eventually someone in the church opened the door for me. I went in, turned on all the lights, put out the chairs, and turned up the heat. A couple of old-timers came in not long after that, and we stood around and chatted. Not about anything in particular. They told some risque jokes, we talked about a painting of Jesus that we see every week but have never taken a good look at, and discussed some recent news story. An old-timer, by the way, is someone with alot of years under their belt.

When the meeting started, we all sat down with our coffee and listened to our moderator. He shared about his beginnings in the program. I came forward afterward and talked about the guy who just approached me about getting sober. Figured it was relevant to the discussion as, hopefully, he'll be working some kind of recovery soon. That's up to him, of course. There are plenty of great sponsors there.

At the end, the guy who picked up his 29 year chip spoke. I thoroughly enjoyed how he described the fellowship. There are people in my meetings from all walks of life. Businessmen, cabdrivers, politicians, plumbers, celebrities and school teachers. It's a room full of people that you would never otherwise see together. Shaking hands and hugging. He said that it was all of us... in that room... that kept him sober. He compared us to a gumbo. The individual ingredients alone don't taste that great, but when you cook it all together, it's delicious. Didn't quite know how to take that, but I clapped for him anyway.

Church, Meetings, and Fellowship

Homegroup tonight! Woot! Business meeting before. That'll be an hour of people talking over one another, but I love it. I'd never treated AA as a real fellowship back when I wasn't working a real, proper recovery. Now I have folks who actually seek me out to say "Hello". It's a good feeling to be an active member of that community. They really are some of the best people in the world.

Back in the day, when I was ruled by self-will and arrogance, I'd get to a meeting a few minutes late, watch the clock, maybe share some BS story, and leave a few minutes early. Now I like to get there early and help set up. I enjoy listening to what is said, sharing something meaningful, and staying and chatting a few minutes afterward. It's such an integral part of my recovery. I can be totally down in the dumps on the way to a group, then leave feeling so much better. I thank God for that.

Church is great too. Most of the churches I've been to have had such a positive energy. Church of the Nations, my parents church, my brother's, or Trinity Episcopal. These days I get an automatic sense of serenity before I'm even within 20 feet of the door. That's my Higher Power at work as well. Since I, and I'm quoting here, "Let go and let God", spirituality and church have taken on an all new meaning.

When I was shackled by the disease of alcoholism... or when I was sober but not recovering... pride, arrogance, self-will, egotism, hell even fear kept me from opening up to God, the program, and, certainly not least, growing and connecting with the ones I love. Now I can do those things and the world is a brighter place for it.

My Favorite Step(s)

Sitting at CC's Coffee (temporary phone in pocket). The Round Table was wonderful. Just what I needed tonight. Got to hang with some of my fellow members beforehand. They were glad to see me and I was them. We had several people pick up 20+ year chips. Shows the program works if ya work it.

The moderator was an older lady who has been sober since 1986. It was an enlightening experience listening to what she had to say. She then opened the topic and started calling on people... me included. Was hoping she would. She asked what our favorite step was. When it came to me, I shared that I am still doing stepwork, but so far the first was a favorite.

We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that

our lives had become unmanageable.

One reason I like this step is that you can't work an effective program until you do that. I'd known that I was powerless over it intellectually, but it wasn't until I worked the step that I really understood and comprehended the grip it had me in. That was crucial before I could go any further. Step 3 jumped out at me too.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives

over to the care of God as we understood him.

That's a scary step for some. The notion scared the hell out of me at one time. Ego and skepticism told me that I could do it on my own. And that's why I always failed. Since my spiritual awakening, though, I can feel him working in my life. Doubt... shame... arrogance... self-centeredness aren't things that plague me everyday anymore. They still try to pop up from time to time, but now I know better how to deal with them. It's freed me to work an effective recovery and be the person I need to be for the ones I love and the one I love.

I also shared that it seems like picking a favorite step is like picking a favorite child. They're all equally important.

I think, for me, my favorite step will always be the one I need most at that moment.