Love and Showing It

Before I met A.A., I was very unloving. From the time I went away to school, I paid very little attention to my mother and father. I was on my own and didn't even bother to keep in touch with them. After I got married, I was very unappreciative of my spouse. Many a time I would go out all by myself to have a good time. I paid too little attention to our children and didn't try to understand them or show them affection. My few friends were only drinking companions, not real friends. Have I gotten over loving nobody but myself?

This describes how I was most of the time. Did I only love myself? Of course not. I had a real problem showing it to others, though. I was unnappreciative... I was distant... defensive... arrogant. I spent much more of my time looking out for me and my instant gratification than building relationships and taking care of my loved ones.

Did I really love others? Of course I did... and do. I prefer to think that I wasn't some kind of monster before AA. I did, however, need alot of help learning to let go of myself and actually show some love.

Got a late night at work so I thought I'd go ahead and write early. Hope you're having a wonderful day!

5 Months In!

Didn't make any parades today. The day ones were postponed because of the weather. Works out kinda well, though. I had to work, and they were moved to times that I could see them. Still not sure if Endymion ran. That's the evening parade. I have my own special reason for not caring about that one.

In other news... Today marks 5 months of recovery for me! I am so blessed to have such an awesome support system. Without God, my sponsor, and my peeps, it wouldn't have been possible. I am so grateful to you all.

After I became an alcoholic, alcohol poisoned my love for my family and friends, it poisoned my ambition, it poisoned my self-respect. It poisoned my whole life, until I met A.A. My life is happier now than it has been for a long time. I don't want to commit suicide. So with the help of God and A.A., I'm not going to take any more of that alcoholic poison into my system. And I'm going to keep training my mind never even to think of liquor again in any way except as a poison. Do I believe that liquor will poison my life if I ever touch it again?

That's today's thought. Sort of along the same line as yesterday's, but no less poignant. Alcohol did poison my love and relationships. I am very fortunate that my people stuck by me. I certainly don't deserve the faith that has been put upon me, but am proud to say that this time around that faith is well-placed. Thank you, again!

Gonna watch the rest of this documentary on the Mardi Gras Indians then turn in.

Have a good night and a blessed tomorrow! Peace....

Happy Valentine's Day!

Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her

A poem by Christopher Brennan

If questioning would make us wise

No eyes would ever gaze in eyes;

If all our tale were told in speech

No mouths would wander each to each.

Were spirits free from mortal mesh

And love not bound in hearts of flesh

No aching breasts would yearn to meet

And find their ecstasy complete.

For who is there that lives and knows

The secret powers by which he grows?

Were knowledge all, what were our need

To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?.

Then seek not, Sweet, the "If" and "Why"

I love you now until I die.

For I must love because I live

And life in me is what you give.

I have it on very good authority

that Egypt is a spectacular

honeymoon destination....

Don't forget to show your sweeties how much you love them!

Not just today, but every day!

Goodnight, all...

June-cation 2011

Wanna see the most important things in my life? Here ya go!

Was going through some old YouTube vids and wanted to share.

A Little Quality Time

Jeremy told me this morning that it took about 10 minutes to wake me up last night. I had fallen asleep while writing. Apparently, when I finally woke up, I thought I was still in New Orleans. I asked him what was going on and what he was doing there... I literally fought sleep all day yesterday.

Had a great home-cooked omelette for breakfast, took a walk around the neighborhood with Jeremy and the girls, had a BBQ sandwich at Cracker Barrel with Lacie's family, came back and watched the girls open presents, went to Target, and now watching the Saints game with my bro!

I'm so grateful to have this time with my folks! Simple, quality time. It doesn't have to be spent at an amusement park, or waterskiing, or skydiving. Some of the best times I've ever had have been spent in a living room watching a DVD or playing a game with people I love. ;) Apples to Apples rocks.

Simply put, love your loved ones like there's no tomorrow! Enjoy any time God gives you to spend with them.

Goodnight, all!

Peace, Love, and Jay

Whew. I'm not going to say much about today except that it is almost over. Thank God.

I love Christmas, but this one was the biggest challenge to my recovery yet. I stayed strong and pushed through it, though. I think it was obvious to anyone within 50 yards that I wasn't the happiest elf in the workshop. I owned my feelings, however, and tried to make it as pleasant for everyone around me as possible. Didn't drink. Talked to my sponsor. Called my family... Even my bio-mom. Knowing that a conversation with her wouldn't be very productive, I still wanted to wish her a Merry Christmas. She didn't disappoint. The first thing she tells me regarding her holiday is about the laxative she took this morning.

Funny thing... We had some musical lights playing near where I was working. I thought to myself, "Well. Now is a good time to unplug them since we wont need them tomorrow." I walked over to them, and I couldn't bring myself to turn them off. I suppose there is still a small part of me that hates to see Christmas go.

To be quite honest, all I looked forward to today was finding the quiet serenity of my new apartment. Here's the Thought for the Day from 24 Hours...

Many alcoholics will be saying today: "This is a good Christmas for me." They will be looking back over past Christmases, which were not like this one. They will be thanking God for their sobriety and their newfound life. They will be thinking about how their lives were changed when they came into A.A. They will be thinking that perhaps God let them live through all the hazards of their drinking careers, when they were perhaps often close to death, in order that they might be used by Him in the great work of A.A. Is this a happy Christmas for me?

I'm happy that I've lived another sober day on this earth. I'm happy in my recovery. And I am eternally grateful to God for everything. But, no. This wasn't a happy Christmas. Ya know what, though. Maybe not all of them will be great, and that's ok. :)

On a brighter note... I certainly hope you and your's had a spectacular holiday. I very much look forward to next year's.

I wish everyone Peace, Love, and Joy! Joyeux Noel!

The Real World and True Protection

Hi. I'm Jay and I like hanging out in coffee shops.

I was talking to a co-worker today about why I seem a bit moody. I explained to her that I'm currently tackling all kinds of problems that I once avoided with alcohol or just shutting down altogether. She seemed to understand immediately and said, "Well welcome to the real world. It's a mother f@%&*er." That gave me a much needed laugh. I'll never forget that. Matter of fact, I may share the encounter at my meeting tonight.

Now then. There's something I need to address. There's an aspect of my recovery and my role in someone else's life that I haven't been working to my full potential. I have someone very special out there that I still haven't been showing the proper love and respect to. I've been so wrapped up in my own feelings and insecurities that I haven't been providing the kind of protection that she deserves. It's a selfish thing not to take into account her pain as well. I've been saying that I'm here to give her whatever she needs, and the thing she needs most is time. I'm sorry, Cupcake. If I say that I'll do anything it takes to make sure you have what you need, I'm going to have to clear the wax out of my ears so I can hear what you are clearly telling me you need.

I'll write more after my meeting. Need to call my sponsor and finish my orange juice before time to leave. Laterz. With a "z" for emphasis.