Moms and Meetings

My mom called me today. The mom in Alabama. She told me that she was hospitalized earlier in the week for malnutrition and dehydration. Neither of which surprised me. I'm so glad she's ok. The poor lady lives in squalor and usually only eats things like ramen noodles. I don't know where her money goes. She doesn't get much, but she doesn't pay for much either. I've sent her money a couple of times, but have no idea what she used it on. Sarah was right. If I ever help her out again, I'm just going to pay for a bill or something. Anyway. I made sure she had multi-vitamins in the house.

She also told me that she was detoxing. A bit perplexed, I asked her, "From what?" She said alcohol. We knew that she drank, and I already knew what she was going to say. I just wanted to hear her say it. Not out of spite or to embarrass her, she just needed to say it. I tried to explain to her the differences between abstinence and recovery. Talking over her, though, is like trying to talk over a stuck foghorn. I told her that I was glad she was trying to quit, but that she would need some sort of support system in her town. Didn't seem too interested in that. In any case, I wish her the best.

Called and talked to my sponsor earlier. We're going to try for a late lunch Tuesday. Had a great meeting too. It was a "share your story" format group. We had a guy talk about his past, his, disease, where it took him, and where he is now. A couple of things he shared jumped out at me. One was about how he created an identity for himself to try and make people like him. For him, it was the James Dean misunderstood rebel identity. For me, in school, I became the class clown... and my grades suffered for it. I had been doing very well, but was so desperate to be accepted.

Another big one was about how he tried to cover up his alcoholism. Sneaking, and lying, and so forth. Believe me when I tell you that that life is like a full-time job. When I say that, I mean 24/7 kinda full-time. It is exhausting and it takes a horrific toll. Words don't do justice to how happy I am to have left that lifestyle behind me.

Well. I'm going to finish this burger and listen to some music while I surf.

Halloween Candy and Early Amends

Well I didn't get to have a Halloween so I bought some marked down Snickers with peanut butter and pigged out. Started crashing from it at my meeting and nearly fell out of my chair asleep. I've been pretty tired lately too. Doing alot of things at once. New job search (got a good lead for activities in a nearby nursing facility and left my number on their voicemail), working on my credit, work, recovery, the headache involving getting insurance.... staying busy basically.

I left work a half hour early today to get to my men's group on time. Waited a half hour for the street car and was late anyway. It was a speaker meeting tonight. He shared his story and then opened it up for discussion. The one thing he talked about that resonated with me, and I think the rest of the room, was getting resentful when he saw non-alcoholics drink. Everyone seemed to feel that way. Now some may believe this or not, but it isn't a problem I've had so far. Maybe it's because too much bad has come from me drinking and I have no desire to touch the stuff again. I don't know. My sponsor was there and we talked for a bit. Going to try and meet in the next few days.

I worked today to try and mend some of the relationships I'd screwed up over the past weeks. These folks may not want to talk to me now, or ever again. They are good people, however, and I hope they do. I know that they all care about me and I betrayed them. Hopefully they can forgive me.

Thought I'd share a bit more about my mom for a sec. Biological mom to be specific. I didn't really have anything good to say about her last night when I posted. I assure you that she is not an evil person. She's done some rotten things, but I'm sure most were out of sheer ignorance. Doesn't excuse her though.

We used to ride horses together, go fishing, go out to eat (she got me started on salad bars at a very early age), watch horror movies, bake cookies.... She says she loves me, and I believe her. Unfortunately she'll never know recovery and will never be able to truly show it. All I can do is work mine and show the ones I care about how much I love them.

The Lost Mother

Mom and her horse "Rita"

As a child, my mother suffered much worse things than I ever did. Physical and sexual abuse from her alcoholic father. My grandfather. I wasn't there of course, but from what she's told me over the years, I'd bet mental illness as well. Who wouldn't with a childhood like that. Her mother died when she was very young. I never met the lady, but I hear she was good. She had left my grandfather while my mom was a kid.

Mom never really grew up. Had me and married my dad at a very early age. 16 or 17 I think. She considered herself a hippie. What she actually was, was much different. Buck-wild with no identity. A child who was indifferent to everyone's needs except for her own instant gratification. She ran around on my dad frequently and often brought me with her. After she left, and my dad divorced her, she disappeared for a few years. We'd see her from time to time. As a child, that primal instinct to be with my mother kicked in when I saw her. It hurt that she didn't seem to have much time to even say "Hi".

The day came when my dad walked into my room and said that she wanted to see me. I don't remember how old I was. It was a Sunday and it was my birthday (or close to it). I must've gone silent, because my dad told me I didn't have to go if I didn't want to. I tend to abruptly go silent if something isn't sitting well. I said I would, though. She picked me up and took me to my aunt's lakehouse. Gave me a couple of toys and we called it a day. For quite a few years (and husbands) after that, that was pretty much the routine. Going out to eat, getting guilt gifts, spending a weekend here and there.....

These years brought alot of disappointment and grief as well. She'd say she was coming, not show up, and I'd be crushed. She spent an amazing amount of time partying. She drank and did alot of drugs. Never right in front of me mind you, but looking back on different occasions, certain things make a whole lot of sense. As a child and early teen, I never really knew why we'd go right to some stranger's house after picking me up... with me sitting alone in the car for an hour or two. There were quite a few shady things that went on, that in my later years I realized were starting to fall into place. She'd been involved in numerous illegal activities and been through many unhealthy relationships. Some of the relationships were potentially healthy, however, and those were the shortest lived.

Today, her past has caught up with her. She's become a sad recluse. Most folks wouldn't even recognize her. She's still delusional in a lot of ways. Still an active addict. Lives in a rundown house in central Alabama. I call her from time to time to see how she's doing. She loves to give me advice. She's always saying she wants grandkids (not sure that I'd let her see them when that time comes). One of the things that gets me most, though, is that she expects me to take care of her when she's old. I don't like talking to my mom, and when the subject goes to that... well... let's just say that my serenity starts slipping away. I'll do my best to make sure that she is ok, but I have my own life and future family in which to devote everything I have to give. To make damn sure that my children never experience what I had to. Or she had to.