The Dumb Kid's Lament

Sometimes we can't help thinking: Why can't we ever drink again? We know it's because we're alcoholics, but why did we have to get that way? The answer is that at some time in our drinking careers, we passed what is called our "tolerance point." When we passed this point, we passed from a condition in which we could tolerate alcohol to a condition in which we could not tolerate it at all. After that, if we took one drink, we would sooner or later end up drunk. When I think of liquor now, do I think of it as something that I can never tolerate again?

We talked about this earlier today at length. I shared that not being able to drink again isn't something that I lament. It's done way too much damage to my life. And the lives of others. It just isn't worth giving up my health and my future for.

I try to recall the point in my life where alcohol became something I couldn't manage. When I look long, hard, and honestly at it, I'd have to say from the very first drink. Given the family history on my mom's side and when I consider my own personality flaws, it's something that I should never have touched. Ever. But how do you tell the kind of kid I was that?

Now, in my mind, that sounds a bit like a cop-out. "Woe is me! I was just a dumb kid who didn't know better and now look at me!" I can assure you that it isn't the case at all. Later on in life, factors like self-discipline, maturity, and responsibility come into play. People grow up and move on from partying, bar-hopping, etc. I didn't. And it led me down a very dark path. I took people that I love with me.

I'm happy to say that those things appeal to me less and less these days. The kind of life I am steering toward now is infinitely more rewarding. And the people that I love? I'd like to think they'll want to walk down that sunny, beautifully landscaped path with me.

Goodnight and God Bless!

When the Rooster Crows

Still sort of early, but I'm closing tonight so I thought I'd record the first part of my day. I got up just as the sun was rising and met my sponsor at Mojo's before the meeting. We chatted for a little while. He asked if there had been anything on my mind since we last met. I told him I was working on patience and tolerance. He gave me some advice and said that he still does too sometimes. Doing better though. I was at Zara's Grocery getting a Diet Coke afterward. They couldn't take a card for payment unless I was spending 5 dollars. Instead of being rude or rolling my eyes I smiled and said, "Ok. Thank you." I didn't have any cash and it would have cost more than the drink to use an ATM. When I went outside, the guy that was behind me asked if I needed money for a coke. It was very nice of him and I told him that I appreciated it very much, but I would just go to the next store and use my card. As a habit, I don't carry much cash. It's safer in the bank.

Anyway. Back to the meeting. The subject was gossip and the harm it can do to recovery if not dealt with correctly. Now I know that there's plenty of talk about me right now (and some not-so-good). I've seen a few things on Facebook that have stung. I've even had to block a couple of people so I couldn't see it. Not sure if that was the right approach or not, but I didn't need it in my recovery. I notice that I've lost a couple of friends on there too. Can't blame them and can't let it bring me down. Maybe the biggest thing I got from the meeting, though, is being more social afterwards. I actually hung around and talked... I never did that. And ya know what? It helps.

After we were done, my sponsor and I walked over to the park and started reading the Big Book. We discussed it a little and parted ways. Told him I'd call him tomorrow. We're meeting again Tuesday to read and talk more. Get my one month chip that night too. Woot!

And for someone who may or may not read this. I know you already know, but I never went to the emergency room. Should have told you a long time ago. Was too afraid to own up. I'm sorry.

Up and Running

I don't usually set my alarm on days when I work late. Normally up at a not-too-disrespectable time. Today, however, I found myself waking up at 10:30. It was hard getting to sleep, but must've slept hard when I finally did. Anyway. I bolted upright and ran to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

Called my sponsor on the way to the streetcar because I don't like to put that off. It was a brief call. The streetcar was pulling up at about the exact time I got to the stop. Found and empty seat too, which is usually a miracle among all the tourists. Very relaxing ride.

Was relieved when I realized that I'd gotten to the Mustard Seed on time. Walked to the back with the hearty anticipation of being able to listen to and share about today's subject. Now the Mustard Seed hops around locations during the week, and I think you can see where this is going. No one was at Immaculate Conception Church. There was a time when I would have said to myself, "Oh well. Guess I'll go grab some lunch." or call Sarah and say, "It's not here today." and go home. I know the other meeting place though. No excuses for a cop-out. I jogged probably 10 blocks to get to St. Patrick's Church. When I arrived, I was a sweaty mess. Almost 10 minutes late, I grabbed a chair and parked beside a lady who had made room for me. Thank you, lady. It turned out that the topic of the day was patience and tolerance.

Patience and tolerance.... Splendid topics for a big bag of ego like me. For someone who thinks that the world works for and revolves around them, these can be a challenge. I listened to the others and frequently found myself thinking, "Oh. Yeah! That's me. That makes sense." When it came time for me to share, I had to try and organize my thoughts. My mind was still racing from the rush. I can be a very impatient person. Somewhere in my mind I have this notion that the world should run on my time. I tend to get very antsy when things are happening slower than I would like. I get annoyed with people in traffic, movie theaters, walking on the sidewalk, at work, at home, restaurants, streetcars..... Ya get the idea. I could probably fill a page. Doing better with it now. I make a conscious effort to catch myself when I feel myself getting judgemental or irritated. Still by no means perfect, but my stepwork will help immensely.

Had a tuna sub in Jackson Square afterward. I listened to a trumpet player perform "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" as I ate. He wasn't exactly a master on the instrument, but I enjoyed it.

The Archdiocese of New Orleans says, "Eat Fresh."

Here at PJ's in my usual seat. Drinking the same vitamin water... enjoying the same view of Canal St. Go to work at 4 again. Same department. Tonight will be another test in patience and tolerance. It's not like I'm in the Quarter scrubbing dumpsters. Sometimes things are only as bad as you make them.

May write more tonight after work.....