One Day at a Time

Busy busy busy today. Just took a time out for lunch. Been making my way around doing some job hunting before work. Would like a better full-time job, but will also take a second part-time gig to supplement my current income (for now). It's not as hard as it sounds. I'm confident that if I keep my nose to the grindstone, I'll be in a very good spot soon.

I have Wed. and Thurs. off this week, so I'm already working on a list of goals. I'll make a couple of meetings on each of those days... oh.... and I finish my 5th step Wed. night.... Gotta call Second Harvest. After the first of the year I'm doing a food drive for them where I work. Just have to round up some banners and containers.

I'm getting ahead of myself, though. One day at a time.

Well, there ya go. Just a quick post. Nothing mind-blowing so far today. Except that I'm alive and sober. That's a gift right there, and I am eternally grateful for it.

I get off late, but I'll write more tonight.

Surrender

I was talking to a guy last night who knows that I'm in recovery. Now I don't run up and down Magazine St. yelling "I'M IN AA!!!!", but I don't hide it. Quite proud of it actually. It means that I've taken control of my life and am working every single day to make myself a better person.

AA is a program of attraction, not promotion. I feel if I've attracted just one other suffering person into it, I've not only helped them in some way, but I've done one more thing to ensure my sobriety. I wont be ready to sponsor or do H & I for a while as there are certain requirements, but we are all encouraged to help others in any way we responsibly can.

My biological mom asked me to be her sponsor last time I talked to her. That's why I don't call her much anymore. Right now she isn't good for my recovery. I still like to make sure she's ok, but that's about the extent of it.

Anyway. Back to the guy. He's a really good person, but he feels he has a drinking problem. He came to me and asked what I know about medical detox. I told him that they would sober him up, get him past his withdrawal stage, and probably turn him loose to drink again. I've never been in a medical detox unit, but I know plenty who have. Don't get me wrong, I've done rehab and pre-rehab, spent a weekend in an emergency room one time, but never been admitted to a hospital for the express purpose of getting me through DTs safely.... I'm rambling again.

I invited him to come to a meeting with me and he recoiled. Alot of folks have the misconception that AA is a religious organization, some kind of cult, or that they'll lose themselves somehow. I had those misconceptions at varying times of my disease. His big problem is surrender. I told him that was a key part of the program. You have to surrender your will to your Higher Power or the program simply isn't effective. My Higher Power is God. I told him that, at one time, I had the exact frame of mind he does... and I kept going back to drinking. I couldn't recover. I had to put my pride and ego aside, open up to God, and allow him to take the bad stuff away. It's an entire step in AA. Step 3.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we

understood Him.

We have plenty of athiests in the program who find some kind of Higher Power. Even if it's the program itself. It works for them.

He promised that he would come with me to one meeting. I told him not to promise me, but promise himself. It's all up to him. I can only tell him what I know about it and give encouragement. Hope he comes, though. I invited him to my homegroup on Thursday. If it looks like something he's interested in, I'll introduce him to my sponsor. He can do a much better job of this than I can right now. Plus I have to stay focused on my recovery.

That was a long one and I hope I wasn't too all over the place with it. Learned alot from just writing it, though. I know I'm on my 5th step, but I thought I'd put up the 3rd Step prayer... Goodnight.

God, I offer myself to Thee — to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!

10 Things I've Gained In Recovery

Been meaning to write about something lately but I keep getting on other subjects....

Well I'm going to write about it tonight. What have I gained so far from my recovery? In true list style that someone would be very proud of, I'm going to lay some of it out. Here goes...

1- I connect better with people. Putting selfishness and ego away, I can now open up and show genuine interest and concern about them. I can feel and show emotion and empathize.

2- I connect with God. Before recovery, pride and fear kept me away from my Higher Power and spiritual growth. Also from how I was brought up.

3- No more waking up frantic, shaky, clammy, shameful, nauseous, or wanting another drink. No more calling in to work over that or going in thinking I'm about to pass out or being paranoid that someone may smell alcohol on me. No more picking up all the pieces when the walls come down.

4- Automatic pay raise. No more blowing money on something that was killing me and my relationships.

5- I don't have to lie anymore. I heard a guy share at a meeting the other night that he could tell the truth now without hurting people.

6- I can be the man I'm supposed to be for those I love. I'm no longer bound by an addiction that kept me a million miles away from effectively being the person they need. She needs. I can have a family and be the provider they'll depend on.

7- I can think clearly and make sound decisions again. Impulse and indecision don't slow me down like they once did.

8- I actually have motivation and drive. Consistency too. The ability to follow through on what I say.

9- I feel so much better about myself. Call it self-worth or self-esteem... Whatever it is, I'm more confident and have faith that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

10- I can go outside! When on a binge, I would stare out the blinds thinking of everything that I was missing in the world. Now if I want to go to the park... I go to the park.

That's just 10. Doesn't make me a Superman. Most people have all of that naturally. Some of us have to work on it. Some of those things people take for granted. I'll think of alot more. May even have to do a part 2 here.

And to the active addict who is suffering out there... Life can be so much better if you let go and ask for help. I did. Break those chains and see it for yourself. ;)

G'night.

The 10 Minute Chip

Something else I got from my meeting today was a "Chew On It" chip. Didn't know those existed. They also call it a "10 Minute Chip". It has the serenity prayer etched on it. I picked one up during my share. I figured I needed it to remind me to live in the now. To chew on it (not literally... no telling how many people have touched it... Ha) when things start getting a bit heavy to carry.

Tonight I pulled it out and prayed. It actually helped.

Work went well. Talked to my sponsor on my dinner break. We decided that we would go over the rest of my written work and do my 5th step Wed. Very much looking forward to that. The other night when I told him I've been practicing mini-4th Steps, he told me I was 10th Stepping. I looked at him oddly, but he assured me it was a good thing.

Here's the day's thought from the book Today's Gift. I really enjoyed this passage.

"There's a person inside each of us just itching to be known and loved. But if we don't get to know and love that person, how can we expect anyone else to know us?

That's why it's so important to spend time alone getting acquainted with ourselves. And how do we do that? We can sit quietly with ourselves, thinking and listening. Then we can write our thoughts in a journal, or we can draw or paint them. If we play a musical instrument, we can put our thoughts and feelings into music.

When we make the time and effort to know ourselves, it encourages others to want to know us, too. Since everything we do and feel begins inside us, we must feel good about ourselves in order to feel good about anything else. What wonders we are, that we have all the power we need to make our world a happy one!

How do I feel about myself today?"

I feel good. ;)

Goodnight, world.

Stinkin' Thinkin'

Just left the Mustard Seed and have to be at work at 2.... So I don't have time to write much. The topic centered around the importance of not slacking off from meetings and the kind of thinking that comes before a relapse. Today was my kind of meeting. I remember only too well that kind of thinking. I don't spend too much time on those thoughts anymore, but when I used to get them, there would be two reasons for me not asking for help. One was that I didn't like being told no. The other was that I was scared to death that if anyone knew I had those thoughts, they'd leave me. Or at least hit the roof.

Well. We see how sick that kind of thinking was, because we can see where it got me. I thank my Higher Power for taking that stinkin' thinkin' away. I'm still not perfect. No one is. But I'm stronger and more self-aware than I have ever been. Again, the program works if ya work it. It really does.

As for the making meetings portion of the topic, I can definitely feel it when I miss one.

Uh oh. Laptop is running out of power. I'll write more tonight.

Peace

Letting People Be There for Us

From The Language of Letting Go. I REALLY liked this and wanted to share it. I'm going to post a Hazelden link at the side of the page. I love their site and what they do.

"Sometimes, we need nurturing. Sometimes, we need people to support us.

Many of us have been deprived of support and nurturing for so long we may not realize it's something we want and need. Many of us have learned to block our stop ourselves from getting what we want and need.

We may not reach out to have our needs met. We may be in relationships with people who cannot or will not be available to meet our needs. Or we may be in relationships with people who would be happy to respond to a direct request from us.

We may have to give up something to do this. We may have to let go of our martyr or victim role. If we ask for what we want and need, and get those needs met, we will not be able to punish people, or push them away later on, for disappointing us.

We may have to let go of our fears enough to experience the intimacy that will occur when we allow someone to love and support us. We may even have to learn, one day at a time, how to be happy and content.

Learn to let others be there for us.

Today, I will be open to identifying what I need from people, and I will ask for what I want directly. I will let others be there for me."

Goodnight, all!

Church, Meetings, and Fellowship

Homegroup tonight! Woot! Business meeting before. That'll be an hour of people talking over one another, but I love it. I'd never treated AA as a real fellowship back when I wasn't working a real, proper recovery. Now I have folks who actually seek me out to say "Hello". It's a good feeling to be an active member of that community. They really are some of the best people in the world.

Back in the day, when I was ruled by self-will and arrogance, I'd get to a meeting a few minutes late, watch the clock, maybe share some BS story, and leave a few minutes early. Now I like to get there early and help set up. I enjoy listening to what is said, sharing something meaningful, and staying and chatting a few minutes afterward. It's such an integral part of my recovery. I can be totally down in the dumps on the way to a group, then leave feeling so much better. I thank God for that.

Church is great too. Most of the churches I've been to have had such a positive energy. Church of the Nations, my parents church, my brother's, or Trinity Episcopal. These days I get an automatic sense of serenity before I'm even within 20 feet of the door. That's my Higher Power at work as well. Since I, and I'm quoting here, "Let go and let God", spirituality and church have taken on an all new meaning.

When I was shackled by the disease of alcoholism... or when I was sober but not recovering... pride, arrogance, self-will, egotism, hell even fear kept me from opening up to God, the program, and, certainly not least, growing and connecting with the ones I love. Now I can do those things and the world is a brighter place for it.