Survival of the Self-Centered

One of the largest character defects... and perhaps most common in alcoholics... that I've had to work to overcome has been self-centeredness.

The recurring theme in my moral inventory was a life-long streak of self serving behavior. It dates all the way back to when I was the only child of the youngest child. "The poor kid whose no-good mom left him and his dad high and dry." Well. My mom and I are alot alike in some ways, but I finally chose to be better than what my history taught me.

When I say "what my history taught me", I mean the learned behaviors that I picked up over decades as a defense mechanism. I learned to be a survivor at a very young age. I was pretty spoiled in my early developmental years. Then I was put in a situation where I had to share, which bred great resentment and caused many problems on my part. That sharing environment quickly turned to dysfunction and a state of "every man for himself". It became a household of anger and resentment towards each other. Some of the behaviors that this spawned among us could be considered down-right dangerous.

To escape this, we found our own little worlds to live in. When these worlds clashed, things could get ugly pretty quick. A few of us, not all, began to look out only for ourselves and how we could survive the situation we found ourselves in. One... well... maybe two of the household went absolutely buck-wild, coming and going as they pleased. Me. I escaped into music, Doctor Who, drawing, trips to Auburn... creative stuff and things I found adventurous. Things that, in my low self-esteem, I thought set me apart. And if friends wanted to come along for the ride... well... I hoped they liked The Cure, because that's what we were listening to.

Another behavior that this survival instinct provided me was compulsive consumption. When someone is in survival mode, true survival mode, they will eat, drink, hoard, and consume as much as they can of anything they feel they need. My case was a bit different. If I liked something, I consumed as much of it as possible. Because it was mine. And if it wasn't technically mine, then it sure as hell should be. Get your own. And then I'll have that too.

If anyone wonders how I got hooked on booze.... well there ya go.

When I'd dug a big enough hole for myself, and someone would try to help, I'd take full advantage of the situation until I was no longer welcome. Then I'd move on to the next opportunity. It was a life of just getting by enough to fulfill my baser desires at other people's expense. Surviving and self-serving. Behavior that should never have existed in the first place, and certainly shouldn't have followed me into adulthood.

Now. If it makes me sound like less of an asshole, you could say that I was a bit of a freeloader who drank too much.

For those who really know me, you know that I'm not a bad person. I could actually be quite giving and considerate. For the most part, though, I always looked out for me. Because in my mind, I was the only person looking out for me. Even when that wasn't the case. That's more of a trust issue, though. I'll save that subject for a future post.

I'm happy to say that, today, that character defect is at the bottom of God's garbage can. I turned it over to him to do with as he sees fit. Does it try to pop back up from time to time. Of course. Any sane person would know that I was lying if I said it didn't. Do I have the tools, now, to keep it in it's place. Yes. I do. And as long as I'm doing what I need to do in recovery, the selfishness, manipulation, and lying will never be necessary. Not that they ever were to begin with.

Until next time, Namaste!

Mine.... Mine...... Mine.... Mine...

An Evening With the Old-Timers

I have been looking forward to this meeting for months! I absolutely love the Helen, Ga. old-timers group. I wish I could find one like it around New Orleans... not that there aren't great groups there. NOLA has an amazing AA support system.

The folks here, though, are just some of the kindest country people you could hope to meet. I told them in my share that I wished I could load them all up on a bus and take them back home with me. One lady said she'd go if she could meet Drew Brees.

There were some familiar faces from September that I was glad to see. We had a good topic too. The 10th step, anger, and how we deal with it. We all still deal with anger and resentment sometimes. The difference is that, now, I can identify my frustrations and consciously deal with them in a healthier way. And I don't get frustrated nearly as easily as I once did. That's a character defect I turned over to God.

Got to go gem mining with my dad today. It was actually his suggestion. He's been on the lookout for rubies that he can put in his rock polisher. We found him a couple. Found some other really cool gems too.

Cooked an awesome crawfish pasta casserole for dinner. Gonna try and remember how I made it so I can do it back home too.

It was a really cool day that I got to spend with my folks... And I can't wait to see my old-timers again in June!

Goodnight, all.

Mussolini and Moral Inventory

Worked all day, so not a heck of alot to write about. Remember a while back when I said, "If someone has something they feel is important enough to tell you, it's important enough to listen to." Well. There's a guy who comes into where I work, tracks me down, and corners me for 40 minutes to tell me about conspiracies. Now I'm interested in World War II, but I don't want to hear about Hitler's secret technology for an hour. I had to hide out in the warehouse for quite a while tonight when he came in. I felt bad, but I don't want to be rude to him. He's probably just a lonely guy who likes sharing stuff about Benito Mussolini. Not for me, though.

Been doing my 4th Step worksheets. It's mostly about putting a magnifying glass on my fears, resentments, and wrongs. Then I write about what parts of those are more to do with me than what is going on on the outside... and in other areas where I'm actually at fault. I'm still working on the step, but so far it has been very enlightening. I'm starting to see more of the little everyday things that effect my serenity for what they are. That knowledge helps me to deal with those things as they happen in a positive way. It also helps to know that most of those problems and frustrations come from somewhere in me and how I react. I may share some of my stepwork after my sponsor and I go over it. I won't be able to share most of it here, however, because alot of it is very specific.

That's about it for tonight. I had a very blessed and productive day.

Goodnight.

The Lost Child- Pt. 2

The little boy lived an almost storybook life out there in those woods. Surrounded by a loving family and a beautiful world. It was all he knew now, and he didn't mind it at all.

He didn't know much about change. Just the easygoing life of the country and being the center of attention. Inevitably change would come, though.

And it did. One night his dad brought home a lady that he worked with and had started dating. This new, unfamiliar element was met by immediate suspicion and confusion. Who was this person, this outsider being introduced into his safe world? His father's intentions were very serious concerning her and before long they were married. They would be moving out and living, what seemed like, a million miles away from the only place the boy knew as home. He was plucked from the love and protection he had gotten so used to and taken to live among, what seemed to him, total strangers. He went to a new church, had new family, went to a daycare... He was scared to death of this new life that he had had no say-so in. Fear would eventually turn to resentment, and resentment is a mighty grown-up feeling to have.

So is guilt. The child actually felt guilty for having left his grandparents. He would have to deal with this for years. He felt guilty calling someone else "grandparent" (as wonderful as these new grandparents were). He felt guilty calling someone else "momma" even though the first one wasn't exactly a winner. He found himself openly comparing his new family with the people who had raised him. Not to be mean, but to alleviate some of the emotion. This still bred resentment toward him.

He'd spend weekends out in the country from time to time. When it was time to go home, he would cry and hug everyone because he didn't want to leave. His father didn't know how to deal with this. He was confused and perhaps took it personally. This confusion would turn to anger, sometimes even spanking the boy for not wanting to go. He got a spanking one time for putting change in an envelope to send to his mommaw and pawpaw. He would begin fearing his father too, and they would start drifting apart.

This was the beginning of a world the child would create in which to escape. A world that the child still lived in well into his adulthood.