Old-Timers and Gumbo

I got to the men's group way early tonight. I figured I'd help set up chairs before the meeting. I actually ended up freezing my butt off for about 40 minutes. No worries, though. I was still where I needed to be.

Eventually someone in the church opened the door for me. I went in, turned on all the lights, put out the chairs, and turned up the heat. A couple of old-timers came in not long after that, and we stood around and chatted. Not about anything in particular. They told some risque jokes, we talked about a painting of Jesus that we see every week but have never taken a good look at, and discussed some recent news story. An old-timer, by the way, is someone with alot of years under their belt.

When the meeting started, we all sat down with our coffee and listened to our moderator. He shared about his beginnings in the program. I came forward afterward and talked about the guy who just approached me about getting sober. Figured it was relevant to the discussion as, hopefully, he'll be working some kind of recovery soon. That's up to him, of course. There are plenty of great sponsors there.

At the end, the guy who picked up his 29 year chip spoke. I thoroughly enjoyed how he described the fellowship. There are people in my meetings from all walks of life. Businessmen, cabdrivers, politicians, plumbers, celebrities and school teachers. It's a room full of people that you would never otherwise see together. Shaking hands and hugging. He said that it was all of us... in that room... that kept him sober. He compared us to a gumbo. The individual ingredients alone don't taste that great, but when you cook it all together, it's delicious. Didn't quite know how to take that, but I clapped for him anyway.

Thank You

It's a late night and I have to be up very early. Just wanted to write a quick post thanking each and every one of you who have read these pages. There's still alot more to come, trust me. I learn something new everyday!

It's a blessing to have such a wonderful support system. Your prayers and encouragement are part of what keeps me sober and recovering. Even the ones I don't even know who read this regularly... and there are alot... you may not know it, but you are part of my recovery too. :) And the ones who are suffering who get some kind of inspiration from these words, that in itself makes my opening up to the world worth it.

This blog also serves as my journal. I go back often and read what I've written. Sometimes I say to myself, "Wow. You've come a long way since that night!" Sometimes it reminds me that there is still more work to do. Sometimes I'm proud of how far I've come, and sometimes I'm humbled.

Thank you again for being here for my recovery! Thank you to the love of my life who I know is out there somewhere rooting for me. When you are ready, you aren't going to be disappointed, I swear. Last, and most definitely not least, I thank God for this wonderful gift he's bestowed upon me.

Have a great night and peace be with you.

One Day at a Time

Busy busy busy today. Just took a time out for lunch. Been making my way around doing some job hunting before work. Would like a better full-time job, but will also take a second part-time gig to supplement my current income (for now). It's not as hard as it sounds. I'm confident that if I keep my nose to the grindstone, I'll be in a very good spot soon.

I have Wed. and Thurs. off this week, so I'm already working on a list of goals. I'll make a couple of meetings on each of those days... oh.... and I finish my 5th step Wed. night.... Gotta call Second Harvest. After the first of the year I'm doing a food drive for them where I work. Just have to round up some banners and containers.

I'm getting ahead of myself, though. One day at a time.

Well, there ya go. Just a quick post. Nothing mind-blowing so far today. Except that I'm alive and sober. That's a gift right there, and I am eternally grateful for it.

I get off late, but I'll write more tonight.

Surrender

I was talking to a guy last night who knows that I'm in recovery. Now I don't run up and down Magazine St. yelling "I'M IN AA!!!!", but I don't hide it. Quite proud of it actually. It means that I've taken control of my life and am working every single day to make myself a better person.

AA is a program of attraction, not promotion. I feel if I've attracted just one other suffering person into it, I've not only helped them in some way, but I've done one more thing to ensure my sobriety. I wont be ready to sponsor or do H & I for a while as there are certain requirements, but we are all encouraged to help others in any way we responsibly can.

My biological mom asked me to be her sponsor last time I talked to her. That's why I don't call her much anymore. Right now she isn't good for my recovery. I still like to make sure she's ok, but that's about the extent of it.

Anyway. Back to the guy. He's a really good person, but he feels he has a drinking problem. He came to me and asked what I know about medical detox. I told him that they would sober him up, get him past his withdrawal stage, and probably turn him loose to drink again. I've never been in a medical detox unit, but I know plenty who have. Don't get me wrong, I've done rehab and pre-rehab, spent a weekend in an emergency room one time, but never been admitted to a hospital for the express purpose of getting me through DTs safely.... I'm rambling again.

I invited him to come to a meeting with me and he recoiled. Alot of folks have the misconception that AA is a religious organization, some kind of cult, or that they'll lose themselves somehow. I had those misconceptions at varying times of my disease. His big problem is surrender. I told him that was a key part of the program. You have to surrender your will to your Higher Power or the program simply isn't effective. My Higher Power is God. I told him that, at one time, I had the exact frame of mind he does... and I kept going back to drinking. I couldn't recover. I had to put my pride and ego aside, open up to God, and allow him to take the bad stuff away. It's an entire step in AA. Step 3.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we

understood Him.

We have plenty of athiests in the program who find some kind of Higher Power. Even if it's the program itself. It works for them.

He promised that he would come with me to one meeting. I told him not to promise me, but promise himself. It's all up to him. I can only tell him what I know about it and give encouragement. Hope he comes, though. I invited him to my homegroup on Thursday. If it looks like something he's interested in, I'll introduce him to my sponsor. He can do a much better job of this than I can right now. Plus I have to stay focused on my recovery.

That was a long one and I hope I wasn't too all over the place with it. Learned alot from just writing it, though. I know I'm on my 5th step, but I thought I'd put up the 3rd Step prayer... Goodnight.

God, I offer myself to Thee — to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!

10 Things I've Gained In Recovery

Been meaning to write about something lately but I keep getting on other subjects....

Well I'm going to write about it tonight. What have I gained so far from my recovery? In true list style that someone would be very proud of, I'm going to lay some of it out. Here goes...

1- I connect better with people. Putting selfishness and ego away, I can now open up and show genuine interest and concern about them. I can feel and show emotion and empathize.

2- I connect with God. Before recovery, pride and fear kept me away from my Higher Power and spiritual growth. Also from how I was brought up.

3- No more waking up frantic, shaky, clammy, shameful, nauseous, or wanting another drink. No more calling in to work over that or going in thinking I'm about to pass out or being paranoid that someone may smell alcohol on me. No more picking up all the pieces when the walls come down.

4- Automatic pay raise. No more blowing money on something that was killing me and my relationships.

5- I don't have to lie anymore. I heard a guy share at a meeting the other night that he could tell the truth now without hurting people.

6- I can be the man I'm supposed to be for those I love. I'm no longer bound by an addiction that kept me a million miles away from effectively being the person they need. She needs. I can have a family and be the provider they'll depend on.

7- I can think clearly and make sound decisions again. Impulse and indecision don't slow me down like they once did.

8- I actually have motivation and drive. Consistency too. The ability to follow through on what I say.

9- I feel so much better about myself. Call it self-worth or self-esteem... Whatever it is, I'm more confident and have faith that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

10- I can go outside! When on a binge, I would stare out the blinds thinking of everything that I was missing in the world. Now if I want to go to the park... I go to the park.

That's just 10. Doesn't make me a Superman. Most people have all of that naturally. Some of us have to work on it. Some of those things people take for granted. I'll think of alot more. May even have to do a part 2 here.

And to the active addict who is suffering out there... Life can be so much better if you let go and ask for help. I did. Break those chains and see it for yourself. ;)

G'night.

The 10 Minute Chip

Something else I got from my meeting today was a "Chew On It" chip. Didn't know those existed. They also call it a "10 Minute Chip". It has the serenity prayer etched on it. I picked one up during my share. I figured I needed it to remind me to live in the now. To chew on it (not literally... no telling how many people have touched it... Ha) when things start getting a bit heavy to carry.

Tonight I pulled it out and prayed. It actually helped.

Work went well. Talked to my sponsor on my dinner break. We decided that we would go over the rest of my written work and do my 5th step Wed. Very much looking forward to that. The other night when I told him I've been practicing mini-4th Steps, he told me I was 10th Stepping. I looked at him oddly, but he assured me it was a good thing.

Here's the day's thought from the book Today's Gift. I really enjoyed this passage.

"There's a person inside each of us just itching to be known and loved. But if we don't get to know and love that person, how can we expect anyone else to know us?

That's why it's so important to spend time alone getting acquainted with ourselves. And how do we do that? We can sit quietly with ourselves, thinking and listening. Then we can write our thoughts in a journal, or we can draw or paint them. If we play a musical instrument, we can put our thoughts and feelings into music.

When we make the time and effort to know ourselves, it encourages others to want to know us, too. Since everything we do and feel begins inside us, we must feel good about ourselves in order to feel good about anything else. What wonders we are, that we have all the power we need to make our world a happy one!

How do I feel about myself today?"

I feel good. ;)

Goodnight, world.

Stinkin' Thinkin'

Just left the Mustard Seed and have to be at work at 2.... So I don't have time to write much. The topic centered around the importance of not slacking off from meetings and the kind of thinking that comes before a relapse. Today was my kind of meeting. I remember only too well that kind of thinking. I don't spend too much time on those thoughts anymore, but when I used to get them, there would be two reasons for me not asking for help. One was that I didn't like being told no. The other was that I was scared to death that if anyone knew I had those thoughts, they'd leave me. Or at least hit the roof.

Well. We see how sick that kind of thinking was, because we can see where it got me. I thank my Higher Power for taking that stinkin' thinkin' away. I'm still not perfect. No one is. But I'm stronger and more self-aware than I have ever been. Again, the program works if ya work it. It really does.

As for the making meetings portion of the topic, I can definitely feel it when I miss one.

Uh oh. Laptop is running out of power. I'll write more tonight.

Peace