Blast From the Past

I found this on my computer. Waaaay before I ever started a blog. It's from a meltdown I had in 2009. I pray for my mom everyday.

When I look back on it, I believe I was headed toward alcoholism years before I really started drinking. I spent most of my childhood developing unhealthy coping mechanisms. Whether it was abandonment issues or that little kid who never really learned to deal with change...never feeling like I fit in or not feeling like I was properly taught the very basic tools of functioning in society, here I find myself.

My mother chose a life of partying, drugs, and alcohol over me when I was only a couple of years old. I still find it difficult to hold a grudge, understanding this addiction as I do. I'm guilty of similar crimes against the ones I love, but I know in my heart that I am not a bad person...just sick. So is she. Even though I don't always demonstrate this, the big difference is that I strive for accountability and betterment. She's only fading away.

I have to wonder if she even remembers cheating on my dad right in front of me or taking me with her on her drug runs. Does she remember showing up years after the divorce and trying to be part of my life? Sometimes telling me she would visit and not showing up?

Not the full story. Just what I wrote a few years ago.