Jay's Day That Was

Jack

2012-03-03T23:23:00.005-06:00

Had a good day. Not much out of the ordinary... except for the beginning.

I'm walking up St. Charles Ave. on the way to work. I'm talking to my uncle on the phone. I look to my left and there is a guy walking down the middle of the street. There's a line of cars behind him. What I found fascinating was that not one horn was honking. Upon closer inspection, I realized that this guy had a white cane and sunglasses. Aha.

I politely excused myself from the phone conversation and ran to the edge of the sidewalk. "Sir! You may want to step about 5 feet to your right!" He comes to where I am, starts telling me about his bus ride and how rude the driver was. He then introduces himself. "I'm Jack by the way."

"I'm Jay. Nice to meet ya, Jack." He was surprisingly enthusiastic that we both had "J" names.

"So is this McDonald's?" He's on the opposite side of the road from the popular fast-food chain... and facing the old Border's Books building.

"No. I can take you there if you want. It's right across the street." It occurs to me that he must certainly know his way around if he got this close.

There's alot of traffic on St. Charles, and there are the streetcars to look out for. As we are crossing, he's telling about his life and the book he's writing about being blind in New Orleans. Fascinating stuff. Seriously. I was loving hearing about his experiences. Unfortunately, I also had to concentrate on keeping us from getting run over.

We got across successfully, got inside the fast-food restaurant, and got him in line. "Well, Jack. I have to get to work. Be careful out there. If the ground seems particularly smooth, you may be in the wrong place." To a blind person, New Orleans sidewalks are a hazard to say the least. Describing them as smooth is like describing Rush Limbaugh as tactful.

I made sure that an employee would get him safely back to the bus stop, said my farewell and departed.

I like to think that Jack is out there somewhere right now enjoying a Big Mac. I thank God that we crossed paths and will perhaps meet again.

Goodnight and have a great tomorrow!

Helplessness and Surrender

2012-03-02T23:40:00.003-06:00

Getting pretty late, so this wont be a long one.

Work went really well. Just slooooow. I'll take slow over super busy any day, though. ;)

I really really like the thought for today...

Over a period of drinking years, we've proved to ourselves and to everybody else that we can't stop drinking by our own will power. We have been proved helpless before the power of alcohol. So the only way we could stop drinking was by turning to a Power greater than ourselves. We call that Power God. The time that you really get this program is when you get down on your knees and surrender yourself to God, as you understand Him. Surrender means putting your life into God's hands. Have I made a promise to God that I will try to live the way He wants me to live?

I talked about this a bit in my share at the Round Table meeting. About how I failed and failed until I opened up, surrendered, and admitted that I couldn't do it without God. He has given me the guidance and strength to truly recover, and for that, I am grateful.

Alright... I'm going to get ready for bed. Gotta close again tomorrow. Big fun. Have a great night, folks, and God bless!

All Things New, Pt. 1 (Cornerstone Sermon Podcast 02-26-12)

2012-03-02T11:48:00.004-06:00

Don't have a lot of time to write about it, but I love this new series so far. All things new... Life changes, hard work, surrender, and faith. Thanks for the message, Rusty!

Gotta be at work soon, but I'll write again tonight. Until then, enjoy the sermon. Here's the link...

All Things New, Pt. 1

Humble Pie

2012-03-01T21:22:00.006-06:00

Homegroup went really well tonight. Bit of a small crowd, though. I did get my literature for next week's H&I, and I have two speakers who volunteered. Can't wait!

I would like to talk about last night's post for a moment. Something has been weighing kinda heavily on me today. One of the paragraphs seemed a bit boastful. When I asked someone about it this morning, she agreed. The idea I was trying to convey was that traveling and living a fancy free lifestyle isn't worth sacrificing relationships with loved ones. I could have worded that much more humbly... And more truthfully. Most of my running around and partying was at the expense of others. Figuratively and literally. I never accepted any consequences for my actions, so they were left on the people who loved me. And for that I am eternally sorry. Hopefully, in some way, my new actions can make up for some of it.

I've been waiting all day to say that. And it's been a long day. Got up very early, went to work, and then to my meeting. Pretty tired, so I'll probably hit the hay soon. I still encourage anyone who sees something askew, or something I've missed in my writing to call me on it.

Well. I'm going to start winding down... Goodnight, world.

Out of Touch

2012-02-29T20:30:00.004-06:00

It's been a bit of an odd day. Found out about some of my high school classmates who have passed over the years. It was a little shocking and sad to hear. Being away from where I raised for so long has kept me seriously out of touch. Until Myspace and Facebook came along, I hadn't talked to alot of friends and family for over a decade. So there is something to be said for social networking.

When I jetted out of Alabama, I never looked back. Traveled around the world, lived around the continent, and drank alot. Some people envy that lifestyle, but I learned the hard way that it usually just leads to loneliness. I never built any real relationships, and neglected the ones I already had. Heck. Sometimes a year or so would go by before I saw any of my family. That was my own choice, though. Pretty selfish... trading substance for a seat-of-your-pants, adventurous ideal. Do I regret it? Not necessarily. The things I saw and did were fantastic to say the least. Could I have gone about it in a better way? Most definitely.

My grandfather from my Dad's previous marriage passed away not too long ago. I hadn't talked to him in many years either. I suppose I figured (in my own sick way) that after the divorce I wasn't really part of the family anymore. My brother convinced me to visit them after the funeral. When I was told that he'd asked about me often, and they still kept pictures of me in the house, I was overcome with guilt and shame. A nasty concoction of pride and fear kept me away from folks who still loved me.

Talked to someone earlier today, a cousin from the same family, who told me of another passing. I didn't know her well, but was still sad to hear about her going. When the cousin sent me a message to call him, I felt that same anxiety come up. "I haven't talked to him in years." "What do I say?" For once I put all of that aside and called. I'm glad I did. Even though the circumstances were bad, it was good talking to him.

You probably gather by now that I've had alot on my mind. I think I've learned a little more about myself. With that said, it's getting late, and I have to be up very early. Until tomorrow, dear reader, goodnight and God bless.

Quality Porch Time

2012-02-28T20:05:00.003-06:00

Just finished a late dinner and am getting ready to call it a night soon. It was a great day. Made a meeting, got a couple of things done, and hung out on the porch chatting with neighbors. It was a beautiful day for porch time... The sun came out, there was plenty of shade, and a cool breeze. Really enjoyed sitting back and watching the world whiz by. I should mention that the bottom step is perhaps 10 feet from the side of Napoleon Ave. Lot's of traffic, but peaceful nonetheless. (Nothing beats my folks porch in Georgia, though!)

I've been reading a book by Darrell Hammond of SNL fame called God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F@##ed. I've mentioned it here before. It deals with his life of addiction and abuse. I found an NPR interview from a while back where he talks about it. Some of it reminds me of the secret life I once led of drinking, suffering, and pain. It's indescribable and you feel you can't talk about it without being found out. I endured that for a long time to protect my disease. That fear and pride caused untold damage.

His story isn't identical to mine, of course. Actually our stories are quite dissimilar except for the alcohol. That poor guy went through alot of crap. Here's a link to his interview... This is pretty heavy stuff and may not be for everyone.

Darrell Hammond Interview on Fresh Air 11-07-11

I'm going to grab a snack and watch a little TV. Have a great night, world, and a blessed day tomorrow!

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 6- Pride (Cornerstone Sermon Podcast 02-19-12)

2012-02-27T20:54:00.002-06:00

Just got back from my 12 Step study and the amazing day that I was blessed with before that.

The Cornerstone sermon from Feb.19th was finally posted a couple of days ago, and I've been very anxious to share it. The last in the Old Habits Die Hard series is Pride. Arguably my biggest weakness and even more arguably the root of all evil... After listening to Josh Agerton talk about the role pride took in the story of the downfall of Adam and Eve, I've become more convinced that not only is the devil real, he exists in all of us as doubt, ego, mistrust, etc. Really. I could name a dozen traits like that, and they all reside in me.

Josh talks about a blogpost he found that is helpful in self-evaluation of just how proud one actually is. I was surprised that not all applied to me, but most did. Reading the comments, alot of people were uncomfortably surprised at how close the list hit home. Bear in mind that there is such thing as healthy pride and unhealthy pride. This is the unhealthy variety. The link is below...

The Fifty Fruits of Pride

And here is the link to the sermon. I recommend this one highly. It's the message that I have literally been waiting for in this series because I know how well it describes me. Pride was my main roadblock in recovery.

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 6- Pride

Hey! Two awesome links in one night! I'm incredibly grateful for everything I"ve learned today... and from the Cornerstone podcasts. Now that the Old Habits series is over, I can't wait to see what they do next. It's an exciting church to be a part of. Even in anonymity... 5 and a half hours away.

Goodnight and peace be with you.

On To Step... 1?

2012-02-26T19:49:00.004-06:00

Just got back from meeting with my sponsor and I am excited to say that I have finished my steps. Thing is, you never really finish them. These steps are practiced every day of my life. The most successful people in recovery usually go back and do them over and over again. When they decide to sponsor, they get to go through them with a sponsee. You'll find that you learn something new every time you do them, and it's great re-enforcement for sobriety. That's why I'll be doing them again in the not-too-distant future.

We had a really good meeting. It was cold, blustery, and wet outside the coffee shop, but well worth it. We talked for a little while then went over 11 and 12.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with

God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out.

and...

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to

carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our

affairs.

Speaking of coffee shops, I'm sad to say that the Rue de la Course on Magazine St. has closed its doors. I've spent many hours there writing posts for this very blog. I've spent time with more than one sponsor there. And it was a great place to grab a coffee, sit at an outside table, and hang with friends. People watching at the Rue was interesting to say the least.

Well. I'm going to eat my sub and watch Storage Wars. It's been a great day. Goodnight and God Bless!

My Daily Moral Inventory

2012-02-25T19:28:00.004-06:00

Meeting with my sponsor tomorrow night at CC's Coffee, so I suppose tonight I'll just kick back, write a bit, watch some TV, and munch on my trail mix.

Been working on taking my daily moral inventory. Usually at night... right before going to sleep, I lay there and mentally go over the events of the day. What did I do right? What did I do wrong?What should I do about it? I pray on it.

Stressful situations are much easier to deal with when I step back, take a good look, and not immediately react. I'm working on promptly admitting when I'm wrong, as well. Was never good at that. It makes the day so much better (and easier), though, when Step 10 becomes part of your daily routine. It's one of the steps that is never really finished.

Had a good day at work. Just very busy. There are still a lot of Mardi Gras visitors in town. Houses still have their decorations up. Beads are still everywhere. Hanging from trees, power lines, fences... It almost feels like another parade could come rolling down St. Charles at any moment. I like that.

I'll leave you tonight with a picture of the most festive pothole in the world. Saw it the other morning on the way to work.

God Bless!

Now that's what a pothole

should look like!

But for the Grace of God

2012-02-24T23:17:00.003-06:00

Got the greenlight to chair H&I once a month. I think I'll ask my sponsor to be my first moderator. Talked to him a little earlier about meeting up tomorrow or Sunday. We're going to go ahead and finish my steps. Pretty psyched about that!

Work went well too. It was a pretty slow night. Just got back and am getting ready to wind down for bed. I'll check out the Cornerstone website first and see if they've posted this week's sermon yet.

When we came to our first A.A. meeting, we looked up at the wall at the end of the room and saw the sign: "But for the grace of God." We knew right then and there that we would have to call on the grace of God in order to get sober and get over our soul sickness. We heard speakers tell how they had come to depend on a Power greater than themselves. That made sense to us and we made up our minds to try it. Am I depending on the grace of God to help me stay sober?

That's not what I was thinking at my first AA meeting. Seeing the word "God" everywhere scared the hell out of me. It took me a very long time to accept him as my Higher Power and that's one reason I failed so many times. Now I know that God's got my back. Whenever I need him, I can call on him. He's always there.

Gonna go ahead and sign off. If Cornerstone posted today, I'll link it here.

Have a great night and a blessed tomorrow!

Hospitals and Institutions

2012-02-23T20:56:00.004-06:00

Up at the crack of dawn for work. It was a good day, though. Ran non-stop again so I'm kinda looking forward to sleeping in a bit tomorrow.

Homegroup was great. The business meeting was a little more animated than usual. One of the items we discussed was starting H&I at one of the men's shelters. H&I is service work that we do in hospitals and institutions. Usually conducting meetings. I was honored enough to have been asked to chair one a month. Since it would be my first time doing something like that, I told them I felt like I should run it by my sponsor. Shouldn't be a prob.

The regular meeting was good too. We had a member pick up her 30 year chip. I always love seeing that. It's an awesome reminder of how well the program works if you work it...

Getting ready for bed now. May get a little stormy tonight, but that's perfectly ok. I enjoy a good thunderstorm.

Have a peaceful night and a blessed tomorrow!

Back to the Norm

2012-02-22T19:59:00.003-06:00

Work went really well. I did alot of lifting, climbing, and carrying so I'm a bit worn out. Gonna do some laundry, eat my sandwich, and get ready for bed....

Kinda sad seeing the Mardi Gras season go. Was walking down St. Charles on my way home and noticed how quiet it was. Just yesterday there were thousands of people crowding the street to see the parades. In less than a month, though, we'll have the St. Patrick's Parade (another little taste of insanity for those who miss it).

I am looking forward to having my homegroup again. It starts back tomorrow night. And we have a business meeting.

Now we can take an inventory of the good things that have come to us through A.A. To begin with, we're sober today. That's the biggest asset on any alcoholic's books. Sobriety to us is like goodwill in business. Everything else depends on that. Most of us have jobs, which we owe to our sobriety. We know we couldn't hold these jobs if we were drinking, so our jobs depend on our sobriety. Most of us have wives or husbands and children, which we either had lost or might have lost, if we hadn't stopped drinking. We have friends in A.A., real friends who are always ready to help us. Do I realize that my job, my family, and my real friends are dependent upon my sobriety?

There's the thought for the day. I really like it. It's a crucial reminder of exactly how much rides on my recovery. I should read that passage every day.

Well. I'm going to check on my clothes and wind down. Have a great night and God Bless!

Happy Mardi Gras!

2012-02-21T11:15:00.003-06:00

It may be another Tuesday anywhere else in the world, but here it's Mardi Gras day! Schools are closed, businesses are shut down, and I'm lucky enough to have today off. :)

Parade Cam 2012

Above is a link to the live parade cam. Enjoy!

A Farewell to Meat

2012-02-20T22:26:00.008-06:00

Liquor used to be my friend. I used to have a lot of fun drinking. Practically all the fun I had was connected with drinking. But the time came when liquor became my enemy. I don't know just when liquor turned against me and became my enemy, but I know it happened, because I began to get into trouble. And since I realize that liquor is now my enemy, my main business is keeping sober. Making a living or keeping house is no longer my main business. It's secondary to the business of keeping sober. Do I realize that my main business is keeping sober?

Keeping sober above all else may seem a bit selfish to some. I realized a while back, though, that I'm no good to anyone unless I'm in recovery.

Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday. The end of the Mardi Gras season. So long, Carnival! A farewell to flesh... or meat. It's traditionally the beginning of fasting for Lent. One last, big blowout before giving stuff up for God. More than that, however, it's a spiritual challenge to ourselves. I gave up meat (except for seafood) one year. No one really understood why I did it. I'm not Catholic. It was just a personal test of will.

Going to try and make Zulu tomorrow morning. Rex rolls at 10. After that we'll see about 200 big trucks honking horns at full blast for the Elk's parade. There's a video below that I made from last year's. Imagine if the vid was 2 hours long... That's exactly what the Elk's parade is like. What's awesome is that we have a Krewe rolling after Elks. It was postponed from Saturday because of the rain.

Well. I have to be up early, so I'm going to go ahead and wind down. Happy Mardi Gras and God bless!

BTW... I've decided to give up astro-engineering for Lent this year. It'll be hard, but I can do it. ;)

Held Hostage By Bacchus

2012-02-19T20:59:00.009-06:00

Fitting that for so many years I allowed myself to be a prisoner of alcohol and tonight I was literally a captive of Bacchus (the Roman god of wine and intoxication). I was on my way home and couldn't cross St. Charles or Napoleon because of the Bacchus parade. I always enjoy it, so I wasn't too disappointed about being stuck. Was hoping to see Will Ferrell though. He was king this year.

I've been talking alot about Mardi Gras, but I haven't been taking many pictures. Here's a link to a page on my photography website. It's a very small gallery from last years parades and some pics I took around town.

Mardi Gras 2011

Not the shutterbug I used to be. I used to concentrate more on taking pictures than actually enjoying the moment and connecting with the ones I love. I decided a while back that if something trivial started getting in the way of what was really important, I'd cut waaaay back on it. Facebook, Doctor Who, video games... You get the idea.

Bout to eat a late dinner then go to bed. Have a great night and God bless!

5 Months In!

2012-02-18T20:19:00.003-06:00

Didn't make any parades today. The day ones were postponed because of the weather. Works out kinda well, though. I had to work, and they were moved to times that I could see them. Still not sure if Endymion ran. That's the evening parade. I have my own special reason for not caring about that one.

In other news... Today marks 5 months of recovery for me! I am so blessed to have such an awesome support system. Without God, my sponsor, and my peeps, it wouldn't have been possible. I am so grateful to you all.

After I became an alcoholic, alcohol poisoned my love for my family and friends, it poisoned my ambition, it poisoned my self-respect. It poisoned my whole life, until I met A.A. My life is happier now than it has been for a long time. I don't want to commit suicide. So with the help of God and A.A., I'm not going to take any more of that alcoholic poison into my system. And I'm going to keep training my mind never even to think of liquor again in any way except as a poison. Do I believe that liquor will poison my life if I ever touch it again?

That's today's thought. Sort of along the same line as yesterday's, but no less poignant. Alcohol did poison my love and relationships. I am very fortunate that my people stuck by me. I certainly don't deserve the faith that has been put upon me, but am proud to say that this time around that faith is well-placed. Thank you, again!

Gonna watch the rest of this documentary on the Mardi Gras Indians then turn in.

Have a good night and a blessed tomorrow! Peace....

What's Your Poison?

2012-02-17T23:11:00.007-06:00

Alcohol is poison to the alcoholic. Poison is not too strong a word, because alcoholism leads eventually to the death of the alcoholic. It may be a quick death or a slow death. When we go by package stores and see various kinds of liquor all dressed up in fancy packages to make it look attractive, we should always make it a point to say to ourselves so we'll never forget it: "That stuff's all poison to me." And it is. Alcohol poisoned our lives for a long time. Do I know that since I'm an alcoholic all liquor is poison to me?

Talked about the thought for the day at my meeting before work... Yes, alcohol has poisoned my life. It has physically poisoned me too. I'd drink so much while on a binge, I could feel it in my kidneys. While working in the medical field I saw people in their death throes resulting from cirrhosis. It's a ghastly sight to behold. You'd think that would be enough of a deterrent. Not for me. Shows how hard-headed I was. And reckless.

Just got back to the house from work. Had a pretty good day. Caught the tail end of the Morpheus parade on the way back, but I missed one of my faves... d'Etat. I'll leave you with a couple of pics I took on the way in today.... Goodnight!

These people do their porch

up with skeletons dressed

in various holiday themes.

You should see it on Halloween!

Don't Have a Krewe? Make Your Own!

2012-02-16T22:30:00.005-06:00

Another night of parades! I had a blast. I got there by myself and by the beginning of the first one I had a whole group to hang with. A most unlikely bunch too... A really cool couple from Valley, AL (not too far from my old stompin' grounds), a couple of ladies from Edgard, LA, and some sorority girls who ended up being bead hogs. Everyone was nice, though, and not one person was drinking. Spent most of my time with the Valley folks. They winced every time I said "War Eagle". ;)

Best seat in the house!

Didn't have my homegroup tonight. Unfortunately the church is right smack dab in the middle of the parade route. I'll hit the Mustard Seed tomorrow. Can't wait to catch up with my peeps and see how their Mardi Gras went, though. We have a business meeting and a regular meeting next week.

Anyhow... It's another late night and I haven't even eaten dinner yet. Had a hot dog and nachos, but that was hours ago. I'll leave you with some very bad quality Blackberry video of the start of the Muses parade.

Goodnight! God Bless!

Mardi Gras in Recovery

2012-02-15T22:02:00.007-06:00

Wow. I am soaked and I am tired. Nothing too long or profound tonight.

Had a great day at work. Put in for my vacation time in June. Left at 7 and went straight to St. Charles and Napoleon to see tonight's parades. Ancient Druids ran first and then I had the distinct pleasure of seeing the inaugural run of the Mystic Krewe of Nyx. It rained off and on, had my umbrella, but still got wet.

Sobriety rocks. I can do stuff like that without drinking and enjoy it perhaps even more. There was a time in my life where I wanted to drink for any occasion. 4th of July? Bring on the Bud. Christmas? Put a little rum in that eggnog. Arbor Day?... Well. You get the idea. I spent my entire first Mardi Gras drinking. I mean the entire time. I was so consumed with myself having fun that I disregarded the fact that I had a beautiful woman, who loved me very much, and she only wanted to enjoy it with me. I have a lot of Mardi Gras...es (What's plural for that?) to make up to her. And Christmases. And 4th of Julys. And vacations. And so, so much more. I can't wait. Given the opportunity of course.

I took a little video with my Blackberry. I'm not falling down at the end of it. Someone threw me a frisbee and I was picking it up. ;)

As always, the picture quality is

atrocious at night.

I'm going to eat a very late dinner and get ready for bed. Until tomorrow... Goodnight and God bless!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2012-02-14T18:39:00.003-06:00

Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her

A poem by Christopher Brennan

If questioning would make us wise

No eyes would ever gaze in eyes;

If all our tale were told in speech

No mouths would wander each to each.

Were spirits free from mortal mesh

And love not bound in hearts of flesh

No aching breasts would yearn to meet

And find their ecstasy complete.

For who is there that lives and knows

The secret powers by which he grows?

Were knowledge all, what were our need

To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?.

Then seek not, Sweet, the "If" and "Why"

I love you now until I die.

For I must love because I live

And life in me is what you give.

I have it on very good authority

that Egypt is a spectacular

honeymoon destination....

Don't forget to show your sweeties how much you love them!

Not just today, but every day!

Goodnight, all...

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 5- Lust (Cornerstone Sermon 02-12-12)

2012-02-14T11:35:00.005-06:00

Pastor Hutson assures us that, given the proximity to a certain notable day, this is just the order in which the sermon fell. Still relevant to love and relationships... among other things. Anything that is introduced to us that we want, that is unattainable, that will ultimately never satisfy us, but we still want it so bad causes lust. Like in addiction, I chased something that was destructive, was temporary relief at best, and only one never satisfied me. As they say, "One's too many and a thousand is never enough."

He brought up an interesting analogy... People who are lost at sea will often eventually start drinking sea water. They get so thirsty they convince themselves that it will be ok. Well, the more they drink, the thirstier they get. They keep drinking and eventually it kills them. Sounds kinda familiar.

Click on the link below to hear the sermon. I got a lot out of it.... Much of it deals with relationships, and I can always use advice on that!

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 5- Lust

The stats that he presents at the beginning about human trafficking is both mind-blowing and scary. It's disgusting that some part of our society has created a very lucrative market for this.

Listening to this was an awesome way to start my day, and I have quite a bit to do. I'll be posting a little something special later on when I get back.

Until then... Have a great day!

The Dumb Kid's Lament

2012-02-13T19:58:00.004-06:00

Sometimes we can't help thinking: Why can't we ever drink again? We know it's because we're alcoholics, but why did we have to get that way? The answer is that at some time in our drinking careers, we passed what is called our "tolerance point." When we passed this point, we passed from a condition in which we could tolerate alcohol to a condition in which we could not tolerate it at all. After that, if we took one drink, we would sooner or later end up drunk. When I think of liquor now, do I think of it as something that I can never tolerate again?

We talked about this earlier today at length. I shared that not being able to drink again isn't something that I lament. It's done way too much damage to my life. And the lives of others. It just isn't worth giving up my health and my future for.

I try to recall the point in my life where alcohol became something I couldn't manage. When I look long, hard, and honestly at it, I'd have to say from the very first drink. Given the family history on my mom's side and when I consider my own personality flaws, it's something that I should never have touched. Ever. But how do you tell the kind of kid I was that?

Now, in my mind, that sounds a bit like a cop-out. "Woe is me! I was just a dumb kid who didn't know better and now look at me!" I can assure you that it isn't the case at all. Later on in life, factors like self-discipline, maturity, and responsibility come into play. People grow up and move on from partying, bar-hopping, etc. I didn't. And it led me down a very dark path. I took people that I love with me.

I'm happy to say that those things appeal to me less and less these days. The kind of life I am steering toward now is infinitely more rewarding. And the people that I love? I'd like to think they'll want to walk down that sunny, beautifully landscaped path with me.

Goodnight and God Bless!

Sausage Dogs and the Mustard Seed

2012-02-12T19:59:00.005-06:00

It was a very interesting walk to work. They were setting up for the Krewe of Carrollton parade on my street. Got to see the bands practicing in the park, the floats were all lined up, people were getting into costume... Then I stopped on St. Charles and got a hot sausage dog from a carnival stand. Tried to eat it while walking, but it was too full of stuff. Mushrooms, marinara, green peppers, onions and all on a hoagie roll. I guess I was being a bit of a grump in a previous post. I do love Mardi Gras. It would be my luck, though, that there are no parades on my days off. :(

I guess my Blackberry takes better

pics during the day...

Not much else of interest. Worked all day. Came back here. Going to eat some pizza rolls and watch a movie.

Talked to my sponsor a few minutes ago. We're going to meet up Tues. and go to the men's group. Going to the 12 step study tomorrow night and hopefully the Mustard Seed on both days.

Well. I guess that's about it for tonight... Going to enjoy my days off and try to get some things done!

Goodnight, world...

Step 10!

2012-02-11T20:18:00.005-06:00

I met with my sponsor this morning. We went to CC's Coffee (Rue is closed for Mardi Gras... forgot about that). We chatted for a while. Talked about my amends. Then we talked about taking a continuous moral inventory and when wrong, promptly admitting it. After that, he said, "Ok. That's Step 10." Pretty quick step I thought. It's something that I started picking up on back in Step 4. It's not really something I do a worksheet on, though. It's something I practice for the rest of my life. We talked a bit about how he has recently applied it in a few specific situations. It's not easy, but I'm assured that it becomes second nature over time.

Work wasn't quite as hectic as I thought. Not until the first parade ended and just before the second parade. On the way back, I figured I'd stop and watch the second one. Krewe of Pygmalion. Not the most interesting parade, but I enjoy watching them. Had to leave before it was completely over. It was very cold and I was starting to cough again.

The camera on my phone isn't very good...

I heard about Whitney Houston's death a little bit ago. She had a very tragic life of abuse and addiction. They say they don't know how she died and I wont speculate. I will say that too many of us meet an early end because we simply didn't surrender and ask for help.

Well. I'm going to sit down, rest, and maybe eat some wafflecone ice cream. I hope you a good night and a blessed day tomorrow.

Laissez les Bon Temps Rouler!

2012-02-10T23:13:00.005-06:00

1 day down and a week and a half to go! I am, of course, talking about Mardi Gras. I love going to the parades, but that's about it. Maybe I'd feel a little different if the situation were a bit different. But that's my fault.

Work was gruesome. I just want to shower, maybe watch a little American Pickers, then go to bed. I have to be up kinda early to meet with my sponsor about step 10... Then deal with the crowd again. I maintain my serenity, though. Smile. Be nice. Be professional. It can be a challenge, however.

I think I have commuting worked out. That's a good thing.

Anyways... I'm going to go ahead and sign off.

Goodnight, all!

Impulse and Actuality

2012-02-09T20:55:00.004-06:00

"Your feelings aren't always an indicator of how you are doing."

I heard that tonight and really liked it. Sometimes things aren't nearly as bad as I think they are, but in the past, my reactions to my feelings led me down a very detrimental path. I was talking to one of my fellow Round Table members about the steps. How I think that when the correct one is applied to a certain situation I might impulsively act on, when actually worked, it gives me a broader view of things. It slows me down, but in a good way.

Got there early and helped set up. Enjoyed some good conversation. Had a great topic. Our speaker started the discussion on staying plugged in. It was awesome listening to all the old-timers tell their stories. How they went from seeing their relatives hide the valuables when they came to visit to having families of their own. Talking proudly of their grand-kids. What a wonderful incentive to live a better life. Make myself better for me so I can create some love and joy in this world.

Well. I had a very physical day at work, so I'm going to go ahead and put my feet up. Mardi Gras parades start tomorrow uptown. Commuting is about to become very interesting.

Have a great night and God bless!

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 4- Sloth (Cornerstone Sermon 02-05-12)

2012-02-08T19:52:00.004-06:00

As you know, I really enjoy the Cornerstone Church podcasts with Pastor Rusty Hutson. Especially this series on the Seven Deadly Sins. In this blog I like being able to share things that I learn from and mean something to me.

When discussing Sloth this past Sunday, he described it as not being the best possible person we could be for God, ourselves, and the ones we love. The ones who depend on us. How it eventually destroys relationships and effects people in our lives.

Sloth, for me, has manifested in so many ways over the years. Just getting by, taking the easiest way out, looking for instant gratification and not working for something meaningful...

In my addiction sloth manifested as complacency. Thinking just being sober was enough and not rising for something better. None of those things get you anywhere in life or in service. It often got me a hard slap to the ground. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over again and expecting different results. For me, one of those things was doing nothing at all.

It's a great sermon this week and I learned alot. There's some very good stuff in there. Below is the link.

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 4- Sloth

Goodnight!

The Other Side of Glamour

2012-02-07T19:02:00.004-06:00

A nightclub crowded with men and women all dressed up in evening clothes looks like a very gay place. But you should see the men's room of that nightclub the next morning. What a mess! People have been sick all over the place and does it smell! The glamour of the night before is all gone and only the stink of the morning after is left. In A.A., we learn to take a long view of drinking instead of a short view. We learn to think less about the pleasure of the moment and more about the consequences. Has the night before become less important to me and the morning after more important?

First of all, we see how dated most literature in the program is by its very wording. LOL... Doesn't make it any less true, though. It's just as relevant now as it was decades ago.

Drinking isn't something that appeals to me any more, but when that idea does pop into my head, all I have to remember is the hell that follows immediately after. It's enough to put me right back on track. I take into account the consequences rather than the instant gratification.

Really like the thought for the day. If you've ever been in a men's room in the French Quarter you know what this person was talking about.

Got a long day at work tomorrow, so I'm about to start winding down.

Have a great night!

Friends in Recovery

2012-02-06T14:34:00.005-06:00

One of the most beautiful things my recovery and my blog has given me is all the wonderful people they've brought into my life. The following is a response to a previous post from a new friend in Europe. The reason that I am so fascinated and wanted to share is that it is not only her story, but mine and so many other people's in our position. Tragic, but not unique. Thank you, Riversurfer!

"The thought of the day had me thinking that drinking alcohol was something I always could rely on. I knew what alcohol could give me, a trustworthy old friend. I knew it would be me myself and I in a life free from friction, dwelling in the dark room. Not expecting any unpleasant surprises, just me and my love for the alcohol. It gave me a sense of control... I was the queen of my very own dark room.

Oh, and how I loved it and how it at the same time was killing me. The alcoholic so content and happy in its blessed ignorance - whilst the core of what me was in despair, only wished to die.

Dealing with life sober is undescribebly different from the days that was with drinking. Life is so rich, so beyond my control. It's scarey but oh so rewarding. I very much love this magnificent and eternal that is life and gladly turn my back to that horrible dark room.

Good night and sweet dreams!"

I'm so blessed to have folks like Riversurfer in my life. You keep me sober... Thank you again! :)

Not the Same Jay

2012-02-05T18:19:00.004-06:00

I believe that life is a school in which I must learn spiritual things. I must trust in God and He will teach me. I must listen to God and He will speak through my mind. I must commune with Him in spite of all opposition and every obstacle. There will be days when I will hear no voice in my mind and when there will come no intimate heart to heart communion. But if I persist, and make a life habit of schooling myself in spiritual things, God will reveal Himself to me in many ways.

That's our meditation for today. I love it. Even in the worst times of my life, I've always considered the world my church and the people in it my fellowship. I lost that ideal in my drinking career. I developed a serious disdain for people in general. The wonder disappeared. I was too concerned with keeping myself numb and protected from all outside influences. That's why I'm alone today.

Happily, though, in my recovery I've re-established so many relationships. They are very cautious people, and they should be. The fact that they are coming back around at all means everything. I'm showing the folks that I love just how important they are to me. :)

Making that new connection with God has made me so much better as well. I now see the real important things in my life.

Have One on Me!

2012-02-04T14:02:00.004-06:00

I haven't missed a day of posting, and I'm not about to now... Here's the thought for the day.

Treating others to drinks gave us a kind of satisfaction. We liked to say, "Have a drink on me." But we were not really doing the other people a favor. We were only helping them to get drunk, especially if they happened to be alcoholic. In A.A., we really try to help other alcoholics. We build them up instead of tearing them down. Drinking created a sort of fellowship. But it really was a false fellowship, because it was based on selfishness. We used our drinking companions for our own pleasure. In A.A., we have real fellowship, based on unselfishness and a desire to help each other. And we make real friends, not fair weather friends. With sobriety, have I got everything that drinking's got, without the headaches?

I never treated anyone else to a drink. I was always too concerned with getting myself drunk. I'd buy ya something to eat, but don't mess with my booze!

Nowadays I don't hide the fact that I'm in AA. I don't push it on other people, but once someone who knows they have problem sees you in recovery, I can almost guarantee that they will approach you about it. That's one of the many ways I try to be of service. As an example...

Ok. I'm sick and I'm going back to bed. Have a great day and God bless!

June-cation 2011

2012-02-03T16:36:00.003-06:00

Wanna see the most important things in my life? Here ya go!

Was going through some old YouTube vids and wanted to share.

Androids and People In General

2012-02-02T20:45:00.006-06:00

Uhhggggg.... Sinuses are going nuts. May be infected.

My boss sent me home with his Toshiba Android tablet. He couldn't get MP4's to play. I downloaded a media player that I believe is compatible and seems to work so far. I just hate being responsible for that device... Good test of responsibility, though. It's like the high school project where the students have to take care of an egg for a month. LOL... Seriously, it's cool that he trusted me with it.

I will practice love, because lack of love will block the way. I will try to see good in all people, those I like and also those who fret me and go against the grain. They are all children of God. I will try to give love; otherwise, how can I dwell in God's spirit whence nothing unloving can come? I will try to get along with all people, because the more love I give away, the more I will have.

That's the meditation for today. There was a time in my life when I was proud to proclaim my disdain for people in general. Once I opened up, though, and actually engaged people in conversation and fellowship, my self-esteem and serenity hit a new high. Folks respond so much more positively when you smile and say, "Hello", than when you grimace and keep on walking. It makes their day better too.

I pray every night to be put in a position where I can be of service. Sometimes a "How ya doin'?" is all it takes.

Anywho... I'm feelin' kinda cruddy, so I'm about to call it a night. Thank God I close tomorrow. I can sleep in and recuperate a bit.

Have a wonderful night, world...

God bless!

Assets and Liabilities

2012-02-01T20:00:00.005-06:00

I talked to my sponsor and we're supposed to meet up Sunday. We're going to talk about moving on to step 10. He finally agreed that I should hold off on certain amends until a more appropriate time. I approached him and told him that some of the people in my life just aren't ready to hear from me.

Had a pretty good day. Time went fairly quickly at work. I read the Thought for the Day first thing when I got back....

When we think about having a drink, we're thinking of the kick we get out of drinking, the pleasure, the escape from boredom, the feeling of self-importance, and the companionship of other drinkers. What we don't think of is the letdown, the hang over, the remorse, the waste of money, and the facing of another day. In other words, when we think about that first drink, we're thinking of all the assets of drinking and none of the liabilities. What has drinking really got that we haven't got in A.A.? Do I believe that the liabilities of drinking outweigh the assets?

I can assure you, dear reader, that there are far more liabilities than there are "assets" when you go back out. That knowledge is but one of the many things that keeps me sober and recovering. I'd much rather be in a room in fellowship with my fellow AA members than sitting in some dark corner by myself, wasting my life, and destroying the ones I love. I'm really grateful for the message today, because I am one of those people who used to ignore the consequences for my own selfish pursuits. That doesn't just include alcohol. I was a very impulsive person.

Well. I have a very early day tomorrow, so I'm going to wind down early.

Goodnight. :)

No more dark rooms for me...

Bad Times and Good Times

2012-01-31T19:05:00.004-06:00

It was a bit of a roller-coaster of a day. On the good side, my food drive is extended for another month! I'm excited and grateful for that. On the bad side, someone I love very much is having a hard time and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm finally at a place in my life where I could, but I'm not allowed in. I feel helpless and it's as painful as hell. I don't want to sound selfish, though. The pain is mine, a result of something I did, and I'll own it. She has enough going on, and if I can't be there with her right now, God will be. And I'm thankful for that.

The meditation of the day seems pretty relevant to my life lately...

I believe that all sacrifice and all suffering are of value to me. When I am in pain, I am being tested. Can I trust God, no matter how low I feel? Can I say, "Thy will be done," no matter how much I am defeated? If I can, my faith is real and practical. It works in bad times as well as in good times. The Divine Will is working in a way that is beyond my finite mind to understand, but I can still trust in it.

There's alot more going on out there than just me. Sometimes I forget that.

Just finishing up some laundry, gonna eat some pizza, then wind down. Storage Wars is on all night. What I like about that show is that it's good, mindless fun. Something relaxing to veg out to after a long day.

It'll be another long day tomorrow. But ya know what? Tomorrow isn't here yet.

Goodnight, friends.

Tearing Down Walls and Cooking Cajun Style

2012-01-30T20:02:00.005-06:00

It was a great first day off. Made a couple of meetings and I made some jambalaya. I've kinda missed cooking. I may even look into getting a small grill to take to the parades with me during Mardi Gras.

Was reading the thought for the day earlier and it was about loneliness...

A drinking life isn't a happy life. Drinking cuts you off from other people and from God. One of the worst things about drinking is the loneliness. And one of the best things about A.A. is the fellowship. Drinking cuts you off from other people, at least from the people who really matter to you, your family, your co-workers, and your real friends. No matter how much you love them, you build up a wall between you and them by your drinking. You're cut off from any real companionship with them. As a result, you're terribly lonely. Have I got rid of my loneliness?

I complain about being lonely sometimes. I'm not totally alone, though. I have God and I have people who love me that I can call at any time of day. I find fellowship in meetings and in church. Those are things that I'd walled out of my life while drinking... and even when I was sober but not recovering. I try not to cry when I imagine all that I missed in that horrible time. It makes me wish I could go back and love like I should have. That's a futile thing to do, however. Can't change the past. We can only learn from it.

Have I gotten rid of my loneliness (as the passage asks). No. Not completely. But the walls are no longer there. That means that I can definitely make the present and the future better for me and my loved ones. I can connect with them and grow with them. It's a beautiful feeling.

This isn't a "woe is me" post, by the way. Just sharing what I got from the thought. I'm in a pretty decent mood and am getting ready to watch some American Pickers and Pawn Stars. My international friends may have to Google those shows... LOL. They're fairly popular here.

Well. I'm going to settle in. I hope you have a great evening and a blessed tomorrow!

An Automatic Pay Raise

2012-01-29T19:49:00.005-06:00

I had a really good day today. It was nice out too. I hope it's the same for the next couple of days. I have those off.

Was just reading the Thought for the Day in the 24 Hours book. I can remember only too well the duress my blowing money in bars and liquor stores put on me and my loved ones. What was it for? A few hours of feeling better about things and hiding from feelings? The selfishness of that is mind-boggling. Hiding was a very expensive habit. And thinking about what that money could have been better spent on makes me cringe.

I not only paid in money, though. I paid for addiction in pain, relationships, fear, anxiety, and failure. So when folks in the program say that you get an automatic pay raise, they mean it in other ways too.

Actually being there for the ones you love, not living in fear of being found out about something, waking in the morning without feeling like you are going to die, ...having a bright future ahead... Those things are priceless.

What a load wasting money puts on your shoulders! They say that members of A.A. have paid the highest initiation fee of any club members in the world, because we've wasted so much money on liquor. We'll never be able to figure out how much it was. We not only wasted our own money, but also the money we should have spent on our families. When you come into A.A., that terrible load of wasted money falls off your shoulders. We alcoholics were getting round-shouldered from carrying all those loads that drinking put on our shoulders. But when we come into A.A., we get a wonderful feeling of release and freedom. Can I throw back my shoulders and look the whole world in the face again?

Goodnight, my friends.

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 3- Greed and Envy (Cornerstone Sermon 01-22-12)

2012-01-28T19:30:00.005-06:00

Just listened to the latest podcast from Cornerstone Church. Part 3 of their series, Old Habits Die Hard, deals with 2 more of the deadly sins: Greed and Envy. Rusty Hutson was back delivering the message and was quite open about some of his dealings with envy as it relates to self-worth.

There are parts of this sermon that I could certainly relate to my own past. Some parts were pretty heavy. Overall, from a spiritual aspect, I thought it was a lovely service and wish I could have been there. I so enjoyed being there with my fam for the first one.

One thing he talked about reminded me of something I shared with some of the old-timers in north Georgia AA (the Helen group). About how one of my problems in addiction, and life in general, was that I had this attitude of, "Wow. I have this and it is good. Wouldn't it be great if I had this, too, to put on top of it?"

The desire to acquire gone haywire. I think that's what Rusty called greed. He mentioned a survey that was done with "regular, normal" people. There was a list of answers of what they would do for 10 million dollars, and I can tell ya it was ghastly.

He then went on to envy. Proverbs 14:30, "A heart in peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." It's a sickness and that's why it's commonly associated with green, according to him. Makes sense.

Anywho... I wont give it all away. Here's the sermon... Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 3- Greed and Envy

These behaviors and emotions certainly aren't curable, but they are manageable in our life choices and everyday living. I'm getting alot out of these podcasts!

The Right Thing Concerning Amends

2012-01-27T22:56:00.005-06:00

Just had an interesting conversation with my friend Mr. Lewis. He's an old school New Orleanian... If Billy Dee Williams' dad lived here, that would be him. He dropped me off from work and we just chatted about the city on the way.

Had an interesting conversation earlier, too, about amends. That one wasn't so light-hearted. Basically, I'm getting pressure from my sponsor to talk to people who are not ready to hear from me yet. They have stuff going on in their lives, and they certainly haven't gotten to a point where they'd be ok talking to me. They may never be. I hope that isn't the case though.

This is where I have to consider bringing harm to a situation. In my heart and my mind, I feel like this is one of those where I should wait until they are in a better place before contacting them. One should be bold and forthright in their steps and amends, but also humble and responsible.

You can't become complacent. It's not something that should have a time limit, either, though. Still conflicted and still praying about it. I may just have to sit down with the guy and say, "Look. Even if they want nothing to do with me right now (and for good reason), these are people that I love and have promised to protect. If the best thing I can do for them is leave them alone a little longer, let them heal some, and approach them when they are ready, then that is what I'm going to do." We may be able to move on from there into my last steps. I've made amends with just about everyone else. There are still a few I haven't tracked down yet. Or he may resign as my sponsor, in which case, I immediately find another one. He's a great guy, so I hope it doesn't come to that. I'm not going to create a potentially harmful situation, however, if it's just to get to step 10. I'll make my amends with them for the right reason and because I want to. Not as an assignment.

Or I could be completely wrong. If so, please don't hesitate with some input. The best person I could talk to about it is in bed right now, and I don't want to wake her up. She gets too little sleep as it is. Maybe I can talk to her soon.

I'm going to read for a bit then doze off myself.

Goodnight, World....

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 2- Anger (Cornerstone Sermon Podcast 01-15-12)

2012-01-27T12:33:00.007-06:00

I was just going over old podcasts on the Cornerstone Church website and came across parts 2 and 3 of Old Habits Die Hard... The series on the seven deadly sins. As this shouldn't be substituted for therapy, it is very helpful in recognizing and dealing with certain emotions and behaviors. Part 2 was about anger. More specifically, unhealthy anger.

I particularly liked how it was put in its place as a secondary emotion. Used as a tool or defense mechanism to deal with other less comfortable events and feelings. This is another good sermon topic that can be related to addiction. We use anger and alcohol to escape hurt, disappointment, fear, rejection... the list could go on and on. We deal with these things by lashing out. We also lash out at the people we love, and destroy wonderful relationships in the process.

Listen for the 4 ways of expressing anger too. I could see my pre-recovery self in all of them. Don't get me wrong, I still get mad sometimes.

The best of us do, however. The challenging thing is learning to deal with it positively. Click here to listen- Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 2- Anger .

How am I doing today? Still down, unfortunately. Not getting mad about it, blaming others or drinking over it, though.... so I guess in a way I can say that I'm doing well. :)

It'll be a late night at work, but I'll post again for the night owls when I get back.

The Blahs and Blogging

2012-01-26T19:25:00.006-06:00

Kinda started feeling down again. I don't know if it's the loneliness, feeling a little overwhelmed, or being in a tight money spot right now. Probably all of it. It just means that I need to be plugging away harder and putting my nose closer to the grindstone. And there are people there if I need to talk. I couldn't be more grateful for them. I don't know what condition of sanity I would be in right now without my support system. Teresa and I speak everyday, so I have to give her a gigantic thank you for listening to all my moaning over the past months.

And moaning helps sometimes. As long as you don't cross the line to self-pity and "being a victim". That's a true characterization of many alcoholics. Messing everyone else's lives up and then saying, "Woe is me..."

What is something positive I can do right now to feel better? I'm writing in my blog. That's a big one. I need to clean. That refocuses me into better thinking. I'd call someone or call my sponsor if I felt like I needed a good chat. I may read in bed later too. That one just came to me.

So what do we do when our foot is stuck in the mud? We pull it out or we sink up to our knee. ;)

Goodnight, World!

False Alarms

2012-01-25T19:48:00.003-06:00

I was kind of worried about someone earlier today. Hadn't heard from him in a while. I'm sure I was over-reacting a bit. For someone in recovery, though, if you don't hear back from them fairly quick, your imagination can go pretty wild. Doubly so when that person is your sponsor. All turned out well. I was able to track him down and we chatted for a while. I guess I know, now, to a very small extent what would go through the minds of my loved ones when I went MIA. It's really f***ed up, and I can never be more sorry.

The rest of my day went well. Work was fine. We had a truck, but my friend the truck driver has apparently been reassigned. I haven't heard from him since that night he called. He's a good guy, but in his case, assuming the bad may not be far off the mark. He'd been making alot of progress, but I could tell he wasn't actually getting it. Ya know what I mean? I'll pray for him tonight and give him another call tomorrow.

Well.... It's a very early day coming up and I have lots on my to-do list. I do believe that I am going to kick back in my boxers and watch something on Netflix until time to go to bed.

Goodnight and have a blessed day!

Resilience and Drunk Intellectuals

2012-01-24T21:14:00.004-06:00

Alcoholics who are living in a blind alley refuse to be really honest with themselves or with other people. They're running away from life and won't face things as they are. They won't give up their resentments. They're too sensitive and too easily hurt. They refuse to try to be unselfish. They still want everything for themselves. And no matter how many disastrous experiences they have had with drinking, they still do it over and over again. There's only one way to get out of that blind alley way of living and that's to change your thinking. Have I changed my thinking?

I met my new neighbor earlier today and had a lengthy discussion about Einstein's quote, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results." The guy is a true intellect, but unfortunately he is in the same grip of addiction that I once was.

There is some kind of misconception in the world that, in New Orleans, you are either an insatiable party person or a drunk literary type. Yes. We have those people in abundance. The culture is so much richer than that, though. I get the impression, however, that he uses an old stereotype to justify his drinking. It's not for me to judge, seeing as how I was once just like that. Romanticizing a dirty habit to make it more acceptable.

My friend in relapse is doing ok. I called earlier to check in. She's on the waiting list for Grace House. That's a year-long rehab center for women. She"s almost 70 years old and the fact that she is so dedicated to recovery is admirable. I hear so many people lament that they wasted their youth on alcohol, and this lady has the resilience of all of them put together.

It's never too late to make yourself better. ;)

I had a good men's group tonight, but didn't see my sponsor there. He didn't respond to my text earlier either. Hope he's ok. He suffered a loss last week. A friend of his who was only 30 had a massive heart attack on the basketball court. Reminds us of how short a time we have in this universe.

My neighbor's house.

Love it love it love it!

Goodnight, world and God bless!

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Friends in Relapse

2012-01-23T20:00:00.005-06:00

The first half of my day wasn't very fruitful. I got up a little earlier than usual with a fairly lengthy "To-Do" list. Then the rain came and scratched that. I was able to mark one thing off. Rent.

Hung out here for a while and watched Sherlock on Netflix. I'm a bit of a Doyle purist, but am impressed with Gatiss' and Moffat's take on it. I was always a Mycroft fan and Mark Gatiss pulls it off beautifully. Not sure how I feel yet about Moriarty. Just like The Master in Doctor Who, I've always seen him as the bearded Machiavellian.

The second half of the day involved me sitting with a friend who has relapsed. She sent me a message earlier this afternoon that she needed help. Her sponsor couldn't leave work, so I stayed until she could get there. The lady lost her entire family because of drugs and alcohol. That's how powerful addiction is. I know it was her choice, but it makes me so angry that everyone in her life turned their backs on her. Plus, I know what it feels like to a small extent, and can see how the loneliness and pain can drive someone back to using. It's a seriously misunderstood disease, and she's a good person. One way to guarantee that you stay alone, however, is to go back to your old habits. She's in good hands, now, and I'm back at the apartment trying to figure out where to put a couch and a TV.

That may sound trivial, but to someone overcoming alcoholism, it's one of the coolest things in the world.

I'm going to pray for my friend (and not judge her). I'm very grateful for her, too. Helping other addicts contributes to keeping me from going back. I'll give her sponsor a call in a bit to see how things are going.

Goodnight and be well...

Tonight, Tonight

2012-01-22T23:36:00.003-06:00

Ya know what? I think this is still my favorite song... Was lying in bed listening to The Smashing Pumpkins and realized how relevant this still is to my life. Goodnight again!

Time is never time at all

You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth

And our lives are forever changed

We will never be the same

The more you change the less you feel

Believe, believe in me, believe

That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain

We're not the same, we're different tonight

Tonight, so bright

Tonight

And you know you're never sure

But you're sure you could be right

If you held yourself up to the light

And the embers never fade in your city by the lake

The place where you were born

Believe, believe in me, believe

In the resolute urgency of now

And if you believe there's not a chance tonight

Tonight, so bright

Tonight

We'll crucify the insincere tonight

We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight

We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight

The indescribable moments of your life tonight

The impossible is possible tonight

Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

Marvelous and Majestic

2012-01-22T21:10:00.005-06:00

I will never forget to say thank you to God, even on the greyest days. My attitude will be one of humility and gratitude. Saying thank you to God is a daily practice that is absolutely necessary. If a day is not one of thankfulness, the practice has to be repeated until it becomes so. Gratitude is a necessity for those who seek to live a better life.

I love that today's meditation deals with gratitude! I hate to name-drop, but I do talk to a pretty important guy everyday. To say that you have the ear of the most powerful force in the universe is somethin' else... Ok. I'll stop being cheesy. It's true though.

I thank God every night (and throughout the day) for everything he's done for me. I am a different, better person, and I couldn't have done it without him. I thank him for the people he has put in my life. People that have made me better. People who really love me. :) I thank him for everyday that I have on this planet (I know that I'm not guaranteed another one...). I thank him for every sober day on this planet too. I thank him for putting me in a position to be of service to other people. And every once in a while, say I'm hiking up a gorgeous mountain pass knee-deep in snow, I whisper my gratitude.

That's Hatcher Pass, BTW. Haven't been there in forever and it's one of my favorite places on earth. My Alaskan peeps know what I'm talkin' about.

True gratitude requires humility, though. I have to say that I am truly humbled by all the marvelous and majestic things God has put in my life! I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me...

Until tomorrow, my friends... Goodnight.

Hatcher Pass. This is me with my bro

before I moved up in 2001. For more info

on the pass click here...

Crowded Days

2012-01-21T22:00:00.004-06:00

I will take the most crowded day without fear. I believe that God is with me and controlling all. I will let confidence be the motif running through all the crowded day. I will not get worried, because I know that God is my helper. Underneath are the everlasting arms. I will rest in them, even though the day is full of things crowding in upon me.

That's the daily meditation from 24 Hours. Man I wish I would've read that before my day started. It was pretty hectic. I don't know what was going around town. Mardi Gras doesn't go into full swing until next month.

I have to say, though, that through working the steps I am more confident and decisive in hectic situations. Sure, I had to deal with some chaos at work today, but I kept my serenity. I was significantly less easy to frustrate than I once was. There was a time in my addiction when, if a situation got too difficult, things were just alot easier for me if I shut down completely. Did I get anything accomplished that way? Of course not. And it hurt people too.

Now I prefer to take challenging situations head-on and look at them positively. No matter how bad or complicated or overwhelming they may be. Life becomes so much easier when ya realize that God's got your back!

Goodnight...

Post-New Year's Resolutions

2012-01-20T23:10:00.004-06:00

I ate Popeye's for lunch and have felt rotten the entire day. That got me thinking about some of the life choices I've been making lately. Eating alot of junk food being only one. Then I thought it might be therapeutic to write a list of... resolutions. For some reason I don't like that word. I'm not scared of it. It just sounds cheesy to me.

Anyhow. Here's some stuff that I've been thinking about working on. These aren't the BIG things. Just some everyday things that can contribute to my well-being.

1) Eating more Subway if I'm looking for fast food. I used to eat it everyday and I liked it. And it's cheap. Healthier too. I got into the habit of snacking again as well. Gotta stop that. Need to drink more water. I drink waaaay too much diet soda.

2) I need to get back into reading again. There was a time when I read one book after another. Teresa gave me a really good one for Christmas called God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked. By Darrell Hammond. It's about his history of abuse and addiction. I'll start that on my off days next week.

3) Stopping smoking! I've cut down, but need to quit altogether. I tried a while back, but it was just way too much of an emotional time. Things have settled a bit and I have my health and a future family to think about.

4) Seeing my family more. I want to get to a point where we can make a few weekend visits on top of our two week-long visits every year.

5) I want to get back into sketching again. I was really good at one time. It's a talent that is going to waste.

There. That's 5. I'll be working on some more and keep ya updated. If anyone has any suggestions, by all means let me know! :)

Have a great night...

Thought for the Day 1-20-12

2012-01-20T13:35:00.003-06:00

Closing again tonight, so it will be another very late evening post. I'm actually about to head out early and grab some lunch.

I really liked the Thought for the Day in the 24 Hours book... Wanted to share before I take off.

In A.A. we're all through with lying, hangovers, remorse, and wasting money. When we were drinking, we were only half alive. Now that we're trying to live decent, honest, unselfish lives, we're really alive. Life has a new meaning for us, so that we can really enjoy it. We feel that we're some use in the world. We're on the right side of the fence, instead of on the wrong side. We can look the world in the face instead of hiding in alleys. We come into A.A. to get sober and if we stay long enough, we learn a new way of living. Am I convinced that no matter how much fun I got out of drinking, that life never was as good as the life I can build in A.A.?

I remember only too well what it was like to hide. I thank God that I'm able to walk down the street now and look people in the eye.

Have a great rest of your day!

4 Month Chips and Calls from the Truck Driver

2012-01-19T20:39:00.004-06:00

I was so stoked about picking up my 4 month chip at the homegroup tonight! When she got to "3" I was about to jump up, but she then went on to "6".... We don't have a 4 month chip. No biggie, though. I'll just grab one at my next meeting. As I said in my share, it's the actual time that matters.

Not alot to write about from the rest of the day. I will say that it feels good when you check the last thing off your daily errand list. Now I gotta write one for tomorrow.

I got a call from our truck driver while I was at my group. In the voicemail, he said that they had switched routes on him. It's something they do from time to time. Hadn't seen him since Christmas, so I was starting to worry. When I tried calling back, I didn't get an answer. I'll have to try again in the morning... or if something is up hopefully he'll try again.

Well. Before I start winding down (I got up very early today), I thought I'd share the meditation from 24 Hours...

I believe that God had already seen my heart's needs before I cried to Him, before I was conscious of those needs myself. I believe that God was already preparing the answer. God does not have to be petitioned with sighs and tears and much speaking before He reluctantly loses the desired help. He has already anticipated my every want and need. I will try to see this as His plans unfold in my life.

Remember when I said that someone very important to me shared that "God meets us where we are."? It's true. I can tell you that God was reaching out to me way before I finally reached out to him.

Goodnight, world. :)

Anchored in the Stagnant Waters of Bygones

2012-01-18T19:37:00.004-06:00

Today marks my 4th month in recovery. Real recovery. Not just sobriety, but also confronting and letting go of my past. Learning to deal with life on life's terms. Now that's an interesting little saying, and I've never bothered to get down to its actual meaning before. Basically... I don't make the rules in a situation I have no control over. That situation being "life". And life can be a bitch. Reminds me of the Serenity Prayer...

God, grant me serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

I'm enthusiastic about the progress that I've made, but I also find myself pausing in solemn reflection. There are some parts of the past months that have been absolute hell. Days... even weeks at a time where my soul hurt so badly that I could feel it physically. Didn't drink over it, though. I stayed plugged into the program instead of withdrawing to the creature comforts of trivial things. Is that pain some kind of penance for all the shitty things I've done in the past? I don't know. Perhaps. If it is, then I've happily paid it... and will probably continue to pay it for a very long time. I can no longer allow it to incapacitate me, however. I feel like I've accomplished alot towards recovery, a foundation for a family, rebuilding relationships with those who are open to it... There's still more to do, though.

I have no illusions of grandeur. I'm no George Bush, flying onto a Naval carrier in a jet and standing under a banner that reads, "Mission Accomplished!" If I truly want to maintain what I've built so far, and build still more upon it, I have to let go of things that have already happened. That's pretty much where steps 4 through 9 come in... and I'm almost done with 9. Still more amends to make, of course. And then there are some that are from years ago that I can't make without hurting others.

I dunno. This is a very tricky subject. I'll need to pray more about it...

In a nutshell, I'm stoked that I've reached another milestone! And I realize that I'm by no means done. Some people ask me how long you have to stay in AA....

Uhhhh. Forever.

That used to scare the crap out of me, but once you open yourself to God and recovery, the rewards are endless.

Anchors aweigh!

A Little Lightheartedness Goes a Long Way Pt. 3

2012-01-17T23:09:00.005-06:00

Just got back! It's nice to see a little thunderstorm come through. Maybe it'll still be raining when I go to bed. I'm literally surrounded by windows, and I think it would be very relaxing.

Well... As I said earlier, it may be cool to do another "Lightheartedness" post. It's something I do occasionally. Just videos, quotes, and stuff. The first entry is one of my favorite songs and favorite music videos. The Smashing Pumpkins' Tonight Tonight.....

A friend of mine in Georgia lent me a DVD while I was visiting family. It's called How Great is Our God. The message is delivered by Louis Giglio, a pastor from Atlanta. I'm still a bit of a science nut and I enjoyed how he bridged some of the gap between that and Faith. Posted here is the vid in its entirety.

I had NO idea that Albert Einstein is credited with one of the most common quotes you'll hear in AA... "Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." How cool is that?

Adele covers my favorite band. And it rocks! The Cure's Lovesong....

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it." -Yogi Berra

And finally, I'll say goodnight with some Beatles. I seem to be on a Fab Four kick lately... It's not a rare video, but it was nicely done.

Until tomorrow... Aloha and mahalo!

Meetings and the Osmosis Effect

2012-01-17T12:21:00.003-06:00

I have to close at work tonight, so I'll be doing my evening writing very late.

Got up and read the Thought for the Day from the 24 Hours book...

It doesn't do much good to come to meetings only once in a while and sit around, hoping to get something out of the program. That's all right at first, but it won't help us very long. Sooner or later we have to get into action by coming to meetings regularly, by giving a personal witness of our experience with alcohol, and by trying to help other alcoholics. Building a new life takes all the energy that we used to spend on drinking. Am I spending at least as much time and effort on the new life that I'm trying to build in A.A.?

I'm happy to be able to say that, this time, I hit the AA trail running. In years passed, I was always the guy sitting in the back looking at the clock. Thinking that my simple presence would spark some kind of osmosis-like effect... And that was even if I cared at all about recovering. Sometimes I just went to say that I'd been there.

Now I get a sense of joy and fellowship from going to meetings. I share often. I've worked hard with my sponsor on my steps. I do any kind of service work that is within my ability. And I pray... sticking close to my Higher Power. This earnest work that I've put into recovery has earned me another chip (an honest chip) tomorrow. Well. I have to wait til my homegroup Thursday to pick it up. Gotta work all day.

So I am grateful for today's thought. We often hear the same things over again, but sometimes in different words. That's great, though. I consider it renewing instead of repetitive.... keeping us on our toes and out of the monstrous jaws of complacency.

To all the night owls, I'll post again when I get back... Maybe something fun. It's been a while since I did a "Lightheartedness" post.

You Can't Hoe a Straight Line Looking Backward

2012-01-16T20:20:00.004-06:00

Had to scoot from work to my 12 & 12 study. I was only about 10 minutes late. As some say, "You can get here late, but don't leave early." I used to arrive late and leave early.

We talked about the 9th step tonight. Absolutely perfect, considering I still have some amends left. I shared about the ones I've made so far, the ones I have yet to make, and the couple that I can't make in order to avoid hurting other people. I also talked about the selfishness of procrastination. The discussion was a really good re-enforcement.

Work went well. And quick. Which is a plus. I'll continue to look online tonight for more career-oriented opportunities though. I'd talked to my manager a while back about developing me, but he seems to like me where I am,. I do have to admit, however, that before everything had blown up in September, I did manage to climb one rung up the ladder. I think we all know how I sabotaged that.

The future is in front of me, and lamenting the past gets one nowhere. We can only learn from it and carry that knowledge forward. Someone told me, "You can't hoe a straight line looking backward."

In honor of Martin Luther King Day, I thought I'd post his I Have a Dream speech. Still very relevant. I have to wonder what he'd say about the current state of the world and the progress we've made since August 28th, 1963.

Goodnight and have a blessed day tomorrow!

Survival of the Self-Centered

2012-01-15T19:30:00.004-06:00

One of the largest character defects... and perhaps most common in alcoholics... that I've had to work to overcome has been self-centeredness.

The recurring theme in my moral inventory was a life-long streak of self serving behavior. It dates all the way back to when I was the only child of the youngest child. "The poor kid whose no-good mom left him and his dad high and dry." Well. My mom and I are alot alike in some ways, but I finally chose to be better than what my history taught me.

When I say "what my history taught me", I mean the learned behaviors that I picked up over decades as a defense mechanism. I learned to be a survivor at a very young age. I was pretty spoiled in my early developmental years. Then I was put in a situation where I had to share, which bred great resentment and caused many problems on my part. That sharing environment quickly turned to dysfunction and a state of "every man for himself". It became a household of anger and resentment towards each other. Some of the behaviors that this spawned among us could be considered down-right dangerous.

To escape this, we found our own little worlds to live in. When these worlds clashed, things could get ugly pretty quick. A few of us, not all, began to look out only for ourselves and how we could survive the situation we found ourselves in. One... well... maybe two of the household went absolutely buck-wild, coming and going as they pleased. Me. I escaped into music, Doctor Who, drawing, trips to Auburn... creative stuff and things I found adventurous. Things that, in my low self-esteem, I thought set me apart. And if friends wanted to come along for the ride... well... I hoped they liked The Cure, because that's what we were listening to.

Another behavior that this survival instinct provided me was compulsive consumption. When someone is in survival mode, true survival mode, they will eat, drink, hoard, and consume as much as they can of anything they feel they need. My case was a bit different. If I liked something, I consumed as much of it as possible. Because it was mine. And if it wasn't technically mine, then it sure as hell should be. Get your own. And then I'll have that too.

If anyone wonders how I got hooked on booze.... well there ya go.

When I'd dug a big enough hole for myself, and someone would try to help, I'd take full advantage of the situation until I was no longer welcome. Then I'd move on to the next opportunity. It was a life of just getting by enough to fulfill my baser desires at other people's expense. Surviving and self-serving. Behavior that should never have existed in the first place, and certainly shouldn't have followed me into adulthood.

Now. If it makes me sound like less of an asshole, you could say that I was a bit of a freeloader who drank too much.

For those who really know me, you know that I'm not a bad person. I could actually be quite giving and considerate. For the most part, though, I always looked out for me. Because in my mind, I was the only person looking out for me. Even when that wasn't the case. That's more of a trust issue, though. I'll save that subject for a future post.

I'm happy to say that, today, that character defect is at the bottom of God's garbage can. I turned it over to him to do with as he sees fit. Does it try to pop back up from time to time. Of course. Any sane person would know that I was lying if I said it didn't. Do I have the tools, now, to keep it in it's place. Yes. I do. And as long as I'm doing what I need to do in recovery, the selfishness, manipulation, and lying will never be necessary. Not that they ever were to begin with.

Until next time, Namaste!

Mine.... Mine...... Mine.... Mine...

Naps and Amends

2012-01-14T17:51:00.006-06:00

Did some work around the place, then took a long nap. I was pretty tired after that trip last night. I feel alot better now. Slept through most of the Saints/ 49ers game though! Man, this is a tight one. They're a strong second-half team, so I have faith. WhoDat!?

It was a gorgeous day here in New Orleans. One that I took full advantage of by walking down to Popeye's for some chicken strips. Normally I'd be all over town in weather like that, but I just didn't have it in me today....

Not much else to write about. Still considering hitting The Columns tonight if anything is going on. Need to call my sponsor in a minute. I made some very important amends over the week. I came to a solid realization that my hesitation or nervousness about doing that is a pretty selfish behavior. I'd been procrastinating because I felt awkward. The folks I'm making amends to are only too happy forgive and put things behind us. Well... so far. I still have a few folks left. Plus, the amends aren't for me. I suppose they kind of are because the spiritual benefits and the relationships they help heal are priceless. I've been taught, however, that amends are for the other person. And I can see why. We alcoholics have a talent for putting those closest to us... I dare say the ones we love most and that love us... through hell.

Well. I'm going to check out the rest of this game. Once again I'd like to tell all my family back home how much I love them and appreciate their having me out! It was such a wonderful week.

Until next I post... Goodnight!

This, Too, Shall Pass

2012-01-14T09:14:00.003-06:00

I was so looking forward to getting home after a long bus trip. Even when we arrived at the terminal, I was excited to catch a cab, get back to the apartment, and see what today brings. I was excited to be near Sarah again.

Then I got back to the apartment and wished I was back on that bus... Nothing was touched. It was like I'd never left. Like the past week had been a dream. I was alone again. I sat down and cried.

Recovery has taught me to do well on my own. But everyone gets lonely. I just thought it would take longer for that melancholy to find me. You can't hide from something that is in your heart.

So what do I do now? I guess I'll go out... see what's happening around town today. Grab some lunch. Catch a meeting. See if there's live jazz at The Columns tonight. I really don't know.

I don't regret coming home. Don't get me wrong. There are goals and priorities I have set. A future to continue to build. I'm very enthusiastic about that.

I have to remember that "This, too, shall pass." Maybe I'll have something more upbeat to post about tonight.

On the Road Again....

2012-01-13T12:55:00.003-06:00

Just brewed my last pot of coffee... Said goodbye to baby William.... Sawed off that pesky tree branch that was sticking out over the road.... Packed up.... Talked to my bro about coming out for Mardi Gras.... Still gotta say farewell to JW and Nancy....

I have an all-night trip back to New Orleans starting at 8:25. Wont get back til about 8am tomorrow morning. Seeing as how I wont be able to write tonight, I thought I'd go ahead and post now.

Teresa picked up some stuff to make our own pizza, so we'll be doing that in a bit. Dad will be back from work soon. I'm going to try and clean up some. Still a few things to do before taking off... Gonna miss my folks alot. Hopefully I'll see them before the reunion in June. Might try and make it out to Auburn for a weekend.

So. Goodbye, mountains. Goodbye, country meetings. Goodbye, stillness of night. Goodbye, BBQ eatings!

"A happy family is but an earlier heaven."

-George Bernard Shaw

And, yes. I'll miss you too, Smokey.

What A Great Week!

2012-01-12T18:15:00.009-06:00

Wow! This week has flown right by! I still have tomorrow, though. Then I head out tomorrow night. Get back to New Orleans Saturday morning. I'd really like to thank Jeremy, Lacie, Avery, Ella, Dad and Teresa for their hospitality. I was truly blessed to have had such an awesome time with you guys! I consider this a valuable opportunity to heal some relationships and a time of spiritual enrichment. Not to mention it was just fun!

I got to connect with some people in a way that, perhaps, would have been a bit more difficult for me before. Got to see some folks I haven't seen in a while too. And it was a nice, quiet retreat from all the noise and craziness of New Orleans.

I don't mind noise and craziness so much, but it is good to get away from it sometimes...

I take back with me a greater sense of peace and an even more invigorated determination to build and succeed. There's so much I can do with this one life I've been given. And so much I can share.

To my family... I love you guys and thanks again! I'm sad to leave, but excited to get home and see what the future holds!

I'll post tomorrow before I leave. Until then, have a great night.

An Evening With the Old-Timers

2012-01-11T21:09:00.005-06:00

I have been looking forward to this meeting for months! I absolutely love the Helen, Ga. old-timers group. I wish I could find one like it around New Orleans... not that there aren't great groups there. NOLA has an amazing AA support system.

The folks here, though, are just some of the kindest country people you could hope to meet. I told them in my share that I wished I could load them all up on a bus and take them back home with me. One lady said she'd go if she could meet Drew Brees.

There were some familiar faces from September that I was glad to see. We had a good topic too. The 10th step, anger, and how we deal with it. We all still deal with anger and resentment sometimes. The difference is that, now, I can identify my frustrations and consciously deal with them in a healthier way. And I don't get frustrated nearly as easily as I once did. That's a character defect I turned over to God.

Got to go gem mining with my dad today. It was actually his suggestion. He's been on the lookout for rubies that he can put in his rock polisher. We found him a couple. Found some other really cool gems too.

Cooked an awesome crawfish pasta casserole for dinner. Gonna try and remember how I made it so I can do it back home too.

It was a really cool day that I got to spend with my folks... And I can't wait to see my old-timers again in June!

Goodnight, all.

A Day of Reunions

2012-01-10T20:23:00.004-06:00

Awesome day. I went to visit my good friend JW. I met him back in September when I first got up here. He and his wife are two of the greatest people in the world. He's closely involved with a lot of the recovery programs in north Georgia. Teresa introduced me to him when we were looking at different program options.

The man was instrumental in getting me started on the road to recovery. He told me that he's been praying for me since I last saw him. He also said that he could see that God had plans for me in helping others. It really means alot to hear that, and I'm very grateful to have him in my life. Hopefully I'll see them again before I leave Friday.

After the visit we went to an NA meeting that I've been to a couple of times. Some AA's aren't super-crazy about NA meetings, but I enjoy them. Got to see some folks I haven't seen in a while and met a few new ones. The topic was good. Fellowship. One person shared that by not using, they were able to be part of the fellowship of recovery. I think of it more like being part of that fellowship helps keep me from drinking. We all went out for Chinese food afterward. Had to leave dinner a bit early, though, so we could catch Dad while he was still up.

He and Teresa are winding down on the couch now, and I'm about to eat some General Tso's chicken.

I feel really blessed to have such a wonderful support system and so many friends who are there for my recovery. New and old.

Until tomorrow... Goodnight, world.

Old Habits Die Hard (Podcast of sermon from Cornerstone Church)

2012-01-10T13:35:00.005-06:00

The reason I was so excited about this sermon is how relevant I thought it was to the subject of addiction. I was also very interested to hear about how Thomas Aquinas broke gluttony down into 6 categories. That made the subject even clearer. You may be a bit surprised, as well, at how many calories we consume in a day as compared to other areas of the world.

This sermon was delivered by Rusty Hutson at Cornerstone Church. They're doing great things over there, and if you are in the Auburn area, I highly recommend it.... So here it is. The link to the podcast of the Jan. 8th sermon.

Old Habits Die Hard Pt. 1- Gluttony

I'll be writing a regular post later tonight...

Candlelight Meetings and Championship Games

2012-01-09T21:20:00.003-06:00

Just got back from our meeting at halftime. Bama is winning 9-0 against LSU. Sorry Bammers. My loyalty lies with the Tigers. Even if they aren't orange and blue....

The meeting was ok. It was one I've never been to. Not many of the members seemed very serious about recovery. When here, I prefer the old-fashioned country groups with all the old-timers. What did make this one stand out was that it was a candlelight meeting. Never been to one of those. I really liked that.

The topic was a very important one. Having a sponsor. I shared about the difference it's made in my life and how vital it is toward working your steps. To work an effective recovery, it's best to have an experienced person to guide you through it.

The rest of the day was great. Spent half of it with Teresa and the baby she nannies. Hung out with my dad in his shop. Watched some American Pickers. And now I'm seeing what happens with this championship game. Gonna eat some ravioli too. Geaux Tigers!

Goodnight and have a blessed day tomorrow...

Gluttony and Mushroom Recipes

2012-01-08T20:40:00.004-06:00

Got up this morning just before Dad and Teresa got to Jeremy and Lacie's. We all went to church together. It's a new fellowship they found called Cornerstone. I really enjoyed the service. Even went to the website to find the transcript of the sermon, but it isn't posted yet.

The sermon was the first in a series called Old Habits Die Hard- The Seven Deadly Sins. The sin du jour was gluttony. Very relevant to my recovery. In many ways gluttony and addiction go hand in hand. Over-indulgence to the point where you are no longer in control of what you are consuming. I sat glued the entire time to what was being said. As soon as the sermon is posted, I'll share it. We all thought it was funny that, at the end, the first thing everyone started talking about was what restaurant they were going to... including us.

Ended up grabbing some stuff for lunch at Kroger. Pizza, salad, mushrooms... I bought some baby portabella mushroom caps and sauteed them in a half inch of olive oil, minced garlic, pepper, Tony Chachere's seasoning, then topped them with grated parmesan. People seemed to really like it, so I thought I'd share. ;)

We all said our goodbyes, and off I went to Georgia with Dad and Teresa. Slept most of the way. Now everyone's settled in for the night... Looking forward to tomorrow and helping out around the house.

Until then, goodnight and God bless!

A Little Quality Time

2012-01-07T19:22:00.006-06:00

Jeremy told me this morning that it took about 10 minutes to wake me up last night. I had fallen asleep while writing. Apparently, when I finally woke up, I thought I was still in New Orleans. I asked him what was going on and what he was doing there... I literally fought sleep all day yesterday.

Had a great home-cooked omelette for breakfast, took a walk around the neighborhood with Jeremy and the girls, had a BBQ sandwich at Cracker Barrel with Lacie's family, came back and watched the girls open presents, went to Target, and now watching the Saints game with my bro!

I'm so grateful to have this time with my folks! Simple, quality time. It doesn't have to be spent at an amusement park, or waterskiing, or skydiving. Some of the best times I've ever had have been spent in a living room watching a DVD or playing a game with people I love. ;) Apples to Apples rocks.

Simply put, love your loved ones like there's no tomorrow! Enjoy any time God gives you to spend with them.

Goodnight, all!

Horseback Riding and Butt Jokes

2012-01-06T21:02:00.006-06:00

Well that was an arduous journey, but well worth it! Had a wonderful time with Jeremy, Lacie, and the girls! We went and did some of their jobs through the day, had lunch at CiCi's pizza, went with Avery to her first horseback riding lesson (she's a natural), and then had dinner at Hardee's. Yeah. It was a menu of junk food all day long, but it was good and the company was great!

I'm having an awesome time connecting with my family so far.... and today was only the first day. We're watching A Christmas Carol right now, and the girls are already passed out. I discovered that my niece, Ella, is quite the extrovert and has an affinity for butt jokes too.

We'll have most of the day tomorrow and Sunday. Dad and Teresa come out Sunday morning, and church is on the agenda as well. Then on Sunday evening we head to north Georgia for the week!

Well. I've been literally falling asleep where I sit all day. It's about to happen now. Here's the meditation from 24 Hours...

I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it, God cannot give me His power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when it is used in the right way.

Interesting note- I did fall asleep while writing this. Bout to head to bed now. Good night!

Run Run Run

2012-01-05T16:44:00.003-06:00

I ended up deciding to come back to the apartment to get my luggage instead of leaving straight from work. It's a bit more expensive to take a cab, but worth the convenience.

Anyway... I was bound and determined to write something before I left. I make it a point to post at least once a day. And it's been a very good day so far. Very busy, but very good. I think I have everything ready to go.

Here's the Meditation for the Day from the 24 Hours book-

I believe that God's presence brings peace and that peace, like a quiet-flowing river, will cleanse all irritants away. In these quiet times, God will teach me how to rest my nerves. I will not be afraid. I will learn how to relax. When I am relaxed, God's strength will flow into me. I will be at peace.

I believe that is an incredibly valuable thing to remember when life gets a bit overwhelming. Take a deep breath, quieten your soul, and turn it over to him. I plan to use this time with my family, and the time in the quiet country to enrich myself spiritually and mentally. It'll be fun and it will be a great opportunity to grow.

Tomorrow I post from Auburn, Alabama! Have a good night, world.

Enter the Cyclone

2012-01-04T20:54:00.003-06:00

Just got off work. At approximately 8 pm central time my life became a whirlwind.... and it will be one until Friday morning. Not to worry, though. It's a good whirlwind. I still have a lot to do tonight before my trip. I doubt I'm going to get much sleep.

So I'm spending time with my bro and his fam this weekend. Hopefully seeing some of my Alexander City peeps while there. Then I'm off to north Georgia to hang with my folks. It'll be a nice laid back week in the country. Like I said in a previous post... I can't wait to hit some of those mountain meetings too. The people are great and really enjoy their recovery.

I'll have a few new friends from last time to visit as well. Total strangers who took such an interest in my beating this disease. It's absolutely amazing what impact someone you don't even know can have on your life. I do believe that one person, in particular, is going to be shocked at my willingness to sit down and pray with him. I was such the intellectual asshole before. Even then.

I'll still post everyday. Maybe even twice on some days. I'll be grillin', helping around the house, playing with kitties, holding a baby, sitting on the porch chatting, visiting some of the neighboring towns, and more. The usual stuff, but a different Jay.

Well. I'd better get cracking. Lot's to do. Have a great night and a blessed day tomorrow!

A Road Paved of Good Intentions

2012-01-03T20:21:00.007-06:00

I love going to the men's group. I told someone earlier that it was a lot of laughing and cursing. It's a great fellowship of guys who like to cut up a little and talk about their recovery. I met my sponsor there too.

Our topic tonight was about service work. Someone shared something that stuck with me... "Intention doesn't get results, action does." Another guy quoted Yoda with one of my favorite pearls of wisdom, "Do... or do not. There is no 'try'." Basically... Service requires action.

Or does it?

The discussion reminded me of last night's step study. I thought of my initial reaction to hearing what the newcomer was saying. I shared about it tonight. That what I would have done previously was run right to him after the meeting and say, "Ok! This is what you need to do!" This particular situation, however, required more humility from me than it did knowledge. I'm in absolutely no position right now to give this guy advice. Maybe a little ways down the road, but not now.

I wished him the best, kept my mouth shut after that, and let God and someone with alot more experience handle it. In a nutshell, I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes you have to realize that your best intentions can do more harm than good. There was once a time for me, as well, that those intentions were bred more from ego than from a genuine willingness to help.

The rest of the day was good too. Started the food drive benefiting Second Harvest of New Orleans. If you live in the area, the food drop is in the Walgreen's at 3227 Magazine St. My theme is "The Other 363- Hunger Still Happens After The Holidays". They recommend that you have a theme. :)

Gotta lot of work to do tonight, so I'm going to get to it. Goodnight, all and have a great tomorrow!

The Most Important Person in the Room

2012-01-02T20:20:00.008-06:00

We had a very important person at our step study tonight. In fact, he's the most important person in the whole organization. He's a newcomer. A person who is there looking for help. The poor guy has been detoxing without medical assistance for 3 days... Which is incredibly dangerous. This article on Livestrong.com talks about it. Click here to view.

He basically lost everything in the course of 2 weeks. Looking at him, I saw a shadow of a man. Slumped over, beaten, sobbing. Not only are we all there to help him, but he also helps us. We see from the outside what we were like at our first meeting. Or our second or third "first" meeting. And that alone is more than enough to remind us of why we quit drinking and started recovery.

We passed a meeting schedule to him with our phone numbers on it, and one of the old-timers talked to him afterward. I hope nothing but the best for the guy.

On a bit of a lighter note, I need to start remembering that it's no longer 2011. I'm accustomed to ending with "this year" when giving my full sobriety date. We do that at the beginning of some meetings. I think the only thing anybody heard was "this year". I couldn't figure out why everyone's jaws dropped when I gave mine. One lady I haven't met before said, "Keep coming back." I just smiled like an idiot, without realizing what I'd just said, and told her, "Thank you." Thought it was kinda funny. Had to quickly correct myself when I realized my error.

Goodnight and peace be with you.

Mountain Meetings and the Play-Offs

2012-01-01T20:13:00.007-06:00

Had a great day at work. Got to catch bits and pieces of the Saints game. That's 8 in a row and it's play-off time. Woot!

Now I'm hanging back at my place. I have some research to do on the net, other than that, I'm going to relax. I have to work everyday until my vacation. Going to GA and AL Friday to visit my fam. It'll be a bittersweet trip because an important part of it will be missing this time around. But it's ok. I understand why. I can't wait to see my folks, though, and spend time with them. I plan on making every moment count! I'm also looking forward to those north Georgia mountain AA meetings. They are some of the best groups I've ever sat with. Hope they remember me... I have a LOT to share. I'll post about them while I'm up there. ;)

There's really not much more that I can write about the day except that it was awesome. Just absolutely awesome.

Well... Have a wonderful night. I hope the first day of your new year was blessed. Mine was.

Welcome 2012!

2012-01-01T01:20:00.007-06:00

I just got back from seeing a live jazz trio at The Columns Hotel on St. Charles. I know it's nobody's fault but my own, but I got kind of weary of spending holidays alone so I went out and did something to celebrate. I must tell you up front that I celebrated with nothing more than cranberry and soda.... with a twist of lime.

Here are a few pics that I took with my phone. The camera on that thing is terrible. You'd expect more from a Blackberry. Especially a newer model.

I can assure you that I'm not normally that blurry. Geez. It looks like a circa 1970's picture of Bigfoot. Had a good time, though, and I made some new friends. Friends I'll probably never see again, but it was nice to have some interaction. One of the little things that recovery has given me is that I'm more social.

Anyway... I hope that you all have a blessed 2012. May the new year bring us love, prosperity, and happiness. I have big plans for my first full year of sobriety. The sky's the limit. I can now realistically concentrate on starting a family. An actual career. A home. Having a real life, being the man, and the provider I should have been years ago. I owe all that to God.

Once again. Best wishes. I hope we see a better world in the new year.... and not a Mayan apocalypse.

Have a Happy But Safe New Year's Eve!

2011-12-31T11:38:00.004-06:00

Meditation for the Day

As we look back over the year just gone, it has been a good year to the extent that we have put good thoughts, good words, and good deeds into it. None of what we have thought, said, or done need be wasted. Both the good and the bad experiences can be profited by. In a sense, the past is not entirely gone. The result of it, for good or evil, is with us at the present moment. We can only learn by experience and none of our experience is completely wasted. We can humbly thank God for the good things of the year that has gone.

One of the things I am most grateful for from 2011 is that it was the year I found sobriety, recovery, and God. I plan to use this gift for the continuing betterment of myself and for those I love. After all... What good is a true gift if you can't use it to make others happy too?

It was a turbulent year, and there are many things from it that I'm not proud of. There were some very good times as well. My goal is to take what I've learned, and become, into 2012 and make it the best, happiest year possible.

I'll write again tonight, but it will probably be a very late post. As a matter of fact, it'll be the first post of a new year.

For those who drink during the festivities... Have fun, but be responsible. Think not only of your own safety, but that of others.

Symbol of Life

2011-12-30T22:57:00.004-06:00

For reasons that I'm not completely sure are appropriate to go into, I have to say that this has been the best day that I've seen in a very long time. I'm very grateful for it.

Work went well too. On the way in, something odd happened though. In all the time I've lived in New Orleans, I've never run across a snake. I know they're around, but I've never walked up on one in town. Outside of town is a different story. I gave the guy a little nudge to get him off the sidewalk. People tend to freak out at snakes and I didn't want it to get hurt. I'm sure there was no cosmic meaning behind the encounter, but it is interesting what Joseph Campbell wrote about their symbolism.

"The snake is the symbol of life throwing off the past and continuing to live."

I can relate to that because, in a way, that's what recovery is about. Shedding the skin of our past selves and behaviors and moving forward into a healthy, productive way of living. I'm not a great interpreter, but that's what I got from it.

Got the day off tomorrow. I'm going to a couple of meetings and I may try to make a New Year's party one of the groups is holding. It's my first Saturday off in a while, so I'm going to try and enjoy it.

Until then, friends, have a happy New Year's Eve Eve.

Sailing the Seas of Truth

2011-12-30T12:35:00.003-06:00

About to head out for lunch and then work. Today has been alot better than yesterday by far.

I have to work late, so tonight's will be a pretty late post. Wanted to read today's meditation before leaving. It was very profound and summed up what my life was like for a very long time...

Lying can be like sailing choppy waters. The more we lie, the higher the waves get, and the harder the sailing. When we lie, we feel we've failed ourselves and others. We have to work hard to cover up our lies, and the fear of someone finding out is always with us.

If we ask God for courage to tell the truth, we can be like the sailboat on a clear and calm day. We can enjoy the small waves and the light warm breeze we've given ourselves. Honesty is a good habit, and is easy. With a little faith in our own worth, we can choose the calm waters' honesty and apply our creativity to new, growth-oriented activities instead of covering up old mistakes.

How can I smooth my waters right now?

I plan to smooth my waters today by being the best Jay that I can possibly be. With honesty, courage, and faith there is nothing I can't accomplish... And I consider everyday lived well an accomplishment.

Believe

2011-12-29T23:43:00.004-06:00

Bout time for bed. Thought I'd say goodnight again with something positive. I love this song... "Just put your faith in God and one day you'll see..." Here's Believe by Lenny Kravitz. Enjoy!

Loneliness and Prayer

2011-12-29T18:02:00.007-06:00

Today has been one of those days where ya run like hell and get absolutely nothing accomplished.

It was a beautiful day too. Felt great outside, sun was shining... it just had a great, positive feel to it. If it hadn't been for me running all over town fruitlessly trying to run errands, I may have enjoyed it more. Eh... Maybe I'm just whining because the day didn't turn out like I expected. Or I feel like I wasted valuable time... Or maybe I'm just lonely. I'm doing very well on my own. Don't get me wrong. But even though I'm working a wonderful recovery, well.... it doesn't mean I'm superhuman. I get lonely.

Not much else to write about. I'm just going to watch some Netflix for a while, then go to bed. I pray for a better day tomorrow. Prayer often requires action, so I will also strive for a better day. Until next time, goodnight and pleasant dreams.

Meditation for the Day

Work and prayer are the two forces, which are gradually making a better world. We must work for the betterment of ourselves and other people. Faith without works is dead. But all work with people should be based on prayer. If we say a little prayer before we speak or try to help, it will make us more effective. Prayer is the force behind the work. Prayer is based on faith that God is working with us and through us. We can believe that nothing is impossible in human relationships, if we depend on the help of God.

Service and Perfectionism

2011-12-28T20:14:00.004-06:00

Today had it's ups and downs, but it was a good one overall. It was a very special day that I was not able to take part in, though. But... We take accountability for our actions and we learn from them. And we accept the consequences.

Work was a little more eventful than usual. We had a guy in the dumpster pulling out food. Our boss went out, confronted him and basically ran him off. I was asked to watch him until he was gone. The guy apologized and said he hadn't eaten today. There was a buttload of unopened food in the trash. Not being able to do much for him, and knowing he had to eat, I told him to grab what he could carry. Also if he was going to come back for the rest, he should do it after 6 0r 7 pm. I know it seems gross or humiliating to let someone take that stuff, but he may not have eaten otherwise.

It's sad as hell and says something about our society when a poor person thanks you for turning your head when they go through the garbage.

Then, an elderly lady that I know and like fairly well had some kind of spell out front. We couldn't tell if she was having a stroke, a blood pressure drop, or a diabetic episode. She'd gone cold and clammy, unresponsive but somewhat aware, and her pulse was weak when I checked it. Her pupils didn't dilate, which was good. About as quick as it started, she came back. Pulse was ok again, she was able to communicate... She didn't seem to remember it, so I told her she'd spaced out and wasn't talking to me, which was just rude. She chuckled and at about that time the ambulance pulled up.

I ask God to put me in situations where I can be of some kind of service to others, and today he didn't disappoint.

Got to my meeting waaaayyy early, so I stopped at the park and enjoyed the serenity. When I got to where we meet, I was asked to read the preamble. Thinking I had enough time before the meeting started, I ran down the street to pick up something to fix for dinner. I got back to my seat just in time. Trying to catch my breath, I read. I love reading and giving out chips.

The moderator was a guy I know pretty well. I always enjoy listening to him speak. His topic was perfectionism. One person shared that "great" is the enemy of "good". Eh... I can kinda see that. Another shared that perfectionism is an endless quest because it can never be attained. I liked that more. Most just shared about their close calls with drinking over the holidays. I spoke a bit. Talked about how hard they've been, but thankfully, I haven't had any problems with wanting to go back out.

Anyway... I'm off tomorrow and I have a lot to do. I will, however, sleep in a bit. Looking forward to that.

Goodnight, all.

What Would a Mature Adult Do?

2011-12-27T20:10:00.005-06:00

I just got back in from my men's group. It was a birthday speaker meeting. This guy had alot of the same problems that I did finding recovery. He resisted, tried to do it on his own, went to meetings but never got a sponsor, didn't turn it over to God, relapsed... It's not a unique story at all. I've learned that most of the people who found success in the program had a pretty sticky time at first. That doesn't necessarily give one license to run wild with the idea that it's ok to slip and slide before getting a firm grip on sobriety. Other people suffer along the way. Our selfishness told us that we weren't responsible for that pain. I've come to discover that we very much are. Especially when we choose alcohol over the people we love. It may very well be the disease causing that horrible lapse in judgement, but at some point, enough has to be enough.

That makes me wonder how many people question my recovery. It's only natural and very fair that they would. I can tell you that I never planned to be an addict. I didn't wake up one day in grade school and say, "When I grow up, I'm going to lay on the couch drunk everyday and watch The Price is Right." I can also tell you that it would be a pretty grim and somewhat cynical assumption that I would be an active alcoholic for the rest of my life. There's no difference between that and a death sentence. I plan to have a home and a family. It's something that I have always wanted, and now it's more than just possible... It's a certainty as long as I work my program. As long as I am recovering.

The most profound thing I walked away with tonight was something our speaker said his sponsor told him. That when he was faced with a problem or conundrum to ask himself, "What would a mature adult do?" It's such a simple question, but I love it and plan to use it.

The rest of the day was business as usual. Worked most of it. Went to the park before my meeting and saw my ducks... and squirrels...and nutria... The bus driver almost knows me by name now. Really nice guy. We chat and exchange pleasantries almost everyday. He is straight up, old school New Orleanian. I'm almost going to feel guilty when I get my car. I'm sure he'll understand.

Have a wonderful night and God bless!

On my way to the men's group

Very Tired and Very Grateful

2011-12-26T19:10:00.005-06:00

I found myself in a better mood today. With all the challenges I've faced in the past couple of days, I stuck through it and came out on top... and I'm exhausted. Proud to say that some of the recent events haven't shaken my recovery. Get used to it people. It's here to stay. ;) I thank God for that little push of strength and courage when I need it. Someone told me that God meets us where we are. He's always there. We just have to open up and let him do his thing.

Now, let's see.... Any news?.... Not really. Waiting on an email to see if our homegroup has a business meeting this week. Hanging with my sponsor Thursday. Gotta furnish this place somewhat, but I think I'll wait to get a couch until I get back from Georgia. I'm not going to put a lot of stuff in here, though. Maybe a plant, and someone is actually lending me a bed. I'll put that in the sunroom. Crazy, huh? Still got a food drive to put together. Good times, but I don't think it's interesting enough to base a movie on.

About to start watching the Saints/ Falcons game. Atlanta just won the coin toss.

There ya go. That's about it for today. Aloha and mahalo....

Goodnight.

Peace, Love, and Jay

2011-12-25T19:23:00.003-06:00

Whew. I'm not going to say much about today except that it is almost over. Thank God.

I love Christmas, but this one was the biggest challenge to my recovery yet. I stayed strong and pushed through it, though. I think it was obvious to anyone within 50 yards that I wasn't the happiest elf in the workshop. I owned my feelings, however, and tried to make it as pleasant for everyone around me as possible. Didn't drink. Talked to my sponsor. Called my family... Even my bio-mom. Knowing that a conversation with her wouldn't be very productive, I still wanted to wish her a Merry Christmas. She didn't disappoint. The first thing she tells me regarding her holiday is about the laxative she took this morning.

Funny thing... We had some musical lights playing near where I was working. I thought to myself, "Well. Now is a good time to unplug them since we wont need them tomorrow." I walked over to them, and I couldn't bring myself to turn them off. I suppose there is still a small part of me that hates to see Christmas go.

To be quite honest, all I looked forward to today was finding the quiet serenity of my new apartment. Here's the Thought for the Day from 24 Hours...

Many alcoholics will be saying today: "This is a good Christmas for me." They will be looking back over past Christmases, which were not like this one. They will be thanking God for their sobriety and their newfound life. They will be thinking about how their lives were changed when they came into A.A. They will be thinking that perhaps God let them live through all the hazards of their drinking careers, when they were perhaps often close to death, in order that they might be used by Him in the great work of A.A. Is this a happy Christmas for me?

I'm happy that I've lived another sober day on this earth. I'm happy in my recovery. And I am eternally grateful to God for everything. But, no. This wasn't a happy Christmas. Ya know what, though. Maybe not all of them will be great, and that's ok. :)

On a brighter note... I certainly hope you and your's had a spectacular holiday. I very much look forward to next year's.

I wish everyone Peace, Love, and Joy! Joyeux Noel!

Frah-jee-lay

2011-12-24T18:20:00.006-06:00

It's Christmas Eve. Been an interesting day. I've had a few dinner invites for tomorrow, but I have to work. One was from our truck driver. He offered for me to come out and have dinner with his fam and his wife's folks. It was an awesome gesture, but I had to decline. I have become much more at ease socially, however. Would have loved to have met his wife and kids. With work, though, and them being on the north shore, it didn't seem very feasible.

I ate waaaay too much at work today. I don't eat like I used to, but that pasta jambalaya and dressing rocked the casbah. The fried turkey from Popeye's was good too. It was the walnut brownies that did it though. I thought I was going to fall asleep where I was standing.

Well. The rest of my evening will be spent watching A Christmas Story. Here's the preview to my favorite holiday movie... "Frah-jee-lay. That must be Italian."

An excerpt from Today's Gift

All of us have reasons to be grateful. Usually, the word implies we have received something. We often think of gratitude as that warm feeling we get from someone else's generosity. We are particularly grateful when we get unexpected gifts from those who owe us nothing. Within a family, we expect such acts of love because we are close to one another.

But gratitude doesn't always come from being a receiver. Gratitude is warmest when it accompanies the joy of being able to give without expecting anything in return. We find it isn't enough to feel grateful. We have to express our gratitude by showing kindness and service to everyone around us.

Gratitude is the greatest of all heart-openers. When it enters the heart, love pours out. For every kindness we receive, gratitude inspires a hundred acts of giving.

Have a great Christmas Eve!

T-Shirt, Boxers, and Netflix

2011-12-23T23:10:00.004-06:00

Just got back from work. Busy night. Now I'm kickin' back in a t-shirt and boxers. I think I'll watch Dylan Dog on Netflix before bed. Looks like a funny movie.

That's about it.

Going to be a little tough the next couple of days, but as long as I'm busy and going to meetings, I'll be alright. Might try to make it to Hoshun if they are open Sunday and have a Christmas Story type of dinner. I doubt I'll be able to get the servers to sing me Christmas songs though.

I really, really liked the Meditation of the Day, so I thought I'd share it.

Shed peace, not discord, wherever you go. Try to be part of the cure of every situation, not part of the problem. Try to ignore evil, rather than to actively combat it. Always try to build up, never to tear down. Show others by your example that happiness comes from living the right way. The power of your example is greater than the power of what you say.

Goodnight, all. ;)

Leaving the Dreamworld Behind

2011-12-23T11:14:00.004-06:00

Thought for the Day from the 24 Hours book.

We have definitely left that dream world behind. It was only a sham. It was a world of our making and it was not the real world. We are sorry for the past, yes, but we learned a lot from it. We can put it down to experience, valuable experience, as we see it now, because it has given us the knowledge necessary to face the world as it really is. We had to become alcoholics in order to find the A.A. program. We would not have got it any other way. In a way, it was worth it. Do I look at my past as valuable experience?

This is perfect for where I am in my steps. Alot of people were hurt along the way and alot of mistakes were made. Even the folks with 25 years under their belts will tell you that they slipped and slid before they truly surrendered to God and recovery. It doesn't justify the horrible things we did. We can only hope and pray that the ones who truly love us forgive and stick by us. That, in recovery, they see we aren't really the people of our pasts. That we are capable of so much more.

It's not just about them, though. First and foremost, we must show ourselves what we are capable of. Once we see the awesome things recovery offers, when worked earnestly, the will to go back to the previous life fades away.

I'd like to say "Thank You" to the folks who stick by me. There are some who are less inclined to do so, and I understand. All I can do is ask them for forgiveness and the opportunity to show them what kind of man I really am. And always was, had I not been influenced by addiction.

I work late tonight, but I'm going to post again when I get back.

Have a great day.

Twinkly Stars and Another Amends

2011-12-22T21:17:00.002-06:00

Was looking at the sky before my meeting and saw a very bright star over the trees. You can tell a star from a planet because planets don't twinkle. A bit of useless information for ya. Anyway... Since I was a child, I would look up at the night sky and be overwhelmed with a feeling. A feeling that I know today as "awe". I felt that tonight. It made me feel very small imagining the size and distance of it. And how long it took the light from that star to get here. Go sit out on a perfectly clear night with someone you love, or your Higher Power and just gaze. All the crap in your life suddenly seems very small.

Had a good, but short amends earlier. I wont say who it was with, but it was kind of funny. We chatted for a little while, then I said, "Well. The reason I called was to apologize for all the times I took advantage of your hospitality." It wasn't just an obligatory apology. It was from the heart. The person said, "Well thank you." and went on to ask, "Are you dying or something?". I had to laugh. "No. I'm just sorry and it's long overdue." I could tell they were glad to hear it.

It was another busy day. Got up and started working on the new place. Did some laundry. Had an appointment that went really well. Ran errands uptown. Had to go to that village in purgatory, also known as "Wal-Mart on Tchoupitoulas", to pick up bedding. Ate some General Tso's chicken at Green Tea for dinner. Went to a great homegroup meeting. And back here to wind down. Awesome day.

Hope you had an awesome day, too. Goodnight.

Had to brighten it up a bit.
I love the light in here.

My Aching Back

2011-12-21T22:14:00.001-06:00

Had a blast today running from one side of New Orleans to the other. Literally. I traveled from Riverbend to the Marigny and back. But man did it pay off. Found me an awesome place on Napoleon at the last minute. The other places I looked at were... not very appealing.

Goes to show how our Higher Power works in our lives. I am truly grateful.

Wasn't able to make a meeting today because of all the chaos, but I am very much looking forward to my homegroup tomorrow night.

Well. It was a stressful day, but I maintained and kept the faith. Bout to blow up my air mattress and maybe watch The Daily Show on my computer. Oh. I didn't mention the place didn't come furnished? Something I failed to ask beforehand. Quite alright, though. As soon as I saw it, I knew I'd better grab it before someone else did.

Carpe diem, my friends.

Feeling Connected and Today's Meditation

2011-12-20T21:09:00.000-06:00

It's been a rough week so far. I'm off the next two days, and even though I have alot to do, I'm hoping it will be easier. May even go see a movie tomorrow night.

The men's group went well. I was out front chatting before the meeting, looked around me, and realized that I was surrounded by generations of sponsors. Mine, my grand-sponsor.... and so on. That Tuesday night meeting is a great brotherhood. And here's another first. At the last second I was asked to lead us out with The Lord's Prayer. Talk about a deer in the headlights. It was an honor though.

Those little things really make ya feel connected.

Thought I'd share the meditation for the day from the 24 Hours book...

Avoid fear as you would a plague. Fear, even the smallest fear, is a hacking at the cords of faith that bind you to God. However small the fraying, in time those cords will wear thin, and then one disappointment or shock will make them snap. But for the little fears, the cords of faith would have held firm. Avoid depression, which is allied to fear. Remember that all fear is disloyalty to God. It is a denial of His care and protection.

My serenity is challenged by fear sometimes. Usually I'll say a quick prayer and focus on other things. Recovery has given me so much, and one of those things is how to deal with life as it throws me curveballs. The old Jay couldn't do that. He'd get frustrated or start blaming things on everyone... or everything around him. His pride and ego hindered his growth for so long. And that of others. Each day is a new day, with new surprises, and new challenges. Times aren't always good, but my life is so much better.

One day at a time.

Goodnight, world.

The Saddest Amends

2011-12-19T21:39:00.000-06:00

Made amends with my biological mom tonight. This will be the only one that I openly write about.

Someone asked me what amends could I possibly need to make with her. Simply saying, "I'm sorry." or "I was wrong about something." isn't what it's all about, though. There's decades of resentment and hurt in that relationship. I followed my sponsor's advice and told her that I didn't always know where she was coming from or what was going on in her life. I then told her I was sorry that I don't see her very often... Or call very often. And I told her that I know I wasn't always the best son. I think she got uncomfortable and changed the topic.

Amends aren't about us, you see. They are for the other person. Yes, we stand to gain from them, but our benefits are purely spiritual. Someone told me how liberating this step is, but I have to say, this particular amends was sad. I'm not sure she totally understood what I was doing or saying, but I got the message across. The heartbreaking thing is, that due to her lifestyle... and our history, we'll never be close.

In brighter news... I picked my chip up at the 12 and 12. That cheered me up. We had alot of newcomers, so we did a group conscience and decided to start back on the 1st step study for them. It was a great meeting.

Well. I have to be up very early, so I'm going to head back and start winding down.

Have a good night and an awesome tomorrow!

3 Month Chips...
Now in Christmas green!

New Chips and Downer Days

2011-12-18T18:59:00.001-06:00

Got up. Went to work. And here I am. Back at the Rue writing.

Wasn't able to make a meeting because I got off about an hour too late. I'll have to pick my chip up at the 12 and 12 tomorrow night. Really looking forward to that.

It was kind of a downer day for me. We beat MN, so that pepped me up a bit. Recovery is going very well, and I thank God for that. I have a lot to be grateful for. Thing is... I know she has to heal, but it's just hard when the most important person in your life wont even talk to you. It's hard not being a part of that person's life. Even the everyday stuff like going to Target. It's even harder not knowing when... or if that person is coming back. I deal with that everyday. It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but she's worth the wait. She is so worth the wait. One of the gifts this program has given me (and maybe even her), is that I can show her the love and care that was so difficult to show when I wasn't recovering.

I don't want to do a whole "Woe is me and my painful heart..." post, but that's honestly where I'm coming from today and writing about it helps.

So what happened today that rocked? Hmm... I seem to be getting over my cough. Again, the Saints won. I was a little standoffish about pro-sports after the lockout, but I've mellowed alot lately, and they are great for the city. May not have gotten my chip today, but today is still a milestone in my recovery.

And I spent another day alive and sober on God's Green Earth. Now that, my friend, truly rocks.

Ghosts of Christmas Future

2011-12-17T17:34:00.002-06:00

We have a regular who comes into where I work. He's a decent enough guy. Very heavy drinker, though. Scares the hell out of the tourists, but folks on Magazine St. know him and take care of him. He was hanging around outside our doors today and could barely stand up. I guess he'd been at it all night and well into the day. A lady I work with and I helped him down the street to where he stays.

He scares the hell out of me too. I don't judge him at all. It's not my place and I don't know his story. When I look at him, however, I see a future me that could have happened. I see that in every drunk street guy or homeless person living under an overpass. I could say that I'm damned lucky that it never came to that, but "blessed" is more accurate. The future me I prefer is that guy I see standing with his family at church, or putting together a swingset in his back yard, or taking his wife out to dinner for their anniversary...

That's the kind of guy I am and I thank God for it. And my program.

Those are our nieces. Great girls!
God willing, one day this pic will have
our kids in it.

This is not me.
But it's a sobering reminder
of what does happen
to some unfortunate people with the disease.

On a brighter note, I get a new chip tomorrow! And I have begun Step 9! Time to make amends....

Goodnight, all.

Food Drives and More Gratitude

2011-12-16T18:56:00.004-06:00

Today..... Well, I worked most of it. Going back at 11 to hang out. They close late for the Christmas shoppers and there wont be a guy there, so I volunteered. We get some shady people in there at night.

"Shady people in New Orleans?!", you may ask. No way...

Meeting with my sponsor early tomorrow, then work, then a meeting. Work again Sunday and I pick up a new chip Sunday night. Busy weekend.

I talked to Second Harvest Food Bank earlier, and the food drive is a "Go". Very excited about that. The lady asked me if I had a theme for it. I was thinking about calling it, "The Other 363 Days". Emphasizing that there are people who go hungry all year. Not just the holidays. It'll be at Walgreens on Magazine St. in the month of January.

Got a lot to be grateful for, because God only knows what I'd be doing right now if I hadn't finally surrendered and started working the hell out of this program. I certainly don't want to know.

Until tomorrow, folks...

I still like British TV.

What I found on this video, after the song, was both beautiful and sad...

So I posted it.

How Far Are You Willing To Go?

2011-12-15T20:39:00.003-06:00

That was the question tonight at my homegroup.... And I was actually able to share without coughing.

For years I didn't go neeeeaaaarly far enough. I shared about my times in treatment when I thought I was recovering, but was really more interested in being a know-it-all amateur counselor or the head of my clique. I think we see a pattern of ego rather than humility there. That has been one of my biggest adversaries in the past years. Lack of humility. My self-will told me I could do it on my own... or that I was doing it on my own. I could certainly talk the talk and convince people that I was doing what I needed to be doing. Ends up that the biggest person I was fooling was myself. As a result, when it came time to visit my old friend Mr. Smirnoff, I barely gave it a second thought. I'd tell myself no. Not being in active recovery, however, it really wasn't up to me. I was in the grip of addiction. Being in recovery, though, was up to me.

So. How far am I going now? Let me tell you what I did today. I got up and walked downtown for the Mustard Seed meeting. Got there early and set up. Then I walked back uptown and wrote in this very blog. Listened to some music and did a little research. Web-surfed for a bit. Picked up some cough drops afterward and went straight to my other meeting. Talked to a girl who is in a nearby treatment facility after group was done about her first Christmas without her dad. Came here to the Rue and contacted my sponsor about hooking up Saturday morning to talk about my 8th and 9th steps. Now I'm writing again.... And I will pray tonight thanking my Higher Power for, among other things, another day sober.

I've been actively and enthusiastically going to meetings since before I came back to New Orleans. As soon as I got back here, I snagged a great sponsor. We started working the steps not long after that. Started this blog not long after getting back too. It helps me immensely and it helps others. I do service work and I volunteer. I got reconnected with God. I've changed how I go about doing things. And there's more... That's how far I gone and come. Never been neeeaaarrrly this far into it before. Yeah, there's still work to do. Life is life, and it will still suck sometimes.

There's nothing I can't deal with, however, if I keep working an honest and earnest recovery.

Goodnight, world.

My Unique Opportunity

2011-12-15T13:24:00.004-06:00

Just got back uptown from the Mustard Seed. Had to cut my share short because I'm still coughing a little. The topic was from 24 Hours a Day...

December 15, 2011

Service to others makes the world a good place. Civilization would cease if all of us were always and only for ourselves. We alcoholics have a wonderful opportunity to contribute to the well-being of the world. We have a common problem. We find a common answer. We are uniquely equipped to help others with the same problem. What a wonderful world it would be if everybody took his own greatest problem and found the answer to it and spent the rest of his life helping others with the same problem in his spare time. Soon we would have the right kind of a world. Do I appreciate my unique opportunity to be of service?

I pray about a lot at night. One of the things I pray for is to be put in situations where I can be of service throughout the day. To fellow alcoholics or anyone who's in a rough spot. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I miss those opportunities. Sometimes I'm preoccupied with my own stuff that's going on at the moment. The other night I was heading back to where I'm staying from work. A lady stopped me on St. Charles Ave. She hadn't yet gotten her first paycheck from her new job and needed money to buy her kids something to eat. It was late and I couldn't think of any resources for her that were open at that hour. I told her about some places that might be able to help, but she'd have to wait til morning. Apologizing and telling her that was about all I could do, I turned and started back down the street. I made it about half a block and stopped. "Was there anything else I could do? I pray about this and the opportunity is here." I then remembered the handful of change in my back pocket. Honestly, I'd forgotten I even had it. I went back to where we were, and she was still standing there. I gave it to her and told her about some of the nearby 24 hour stores. She'd probably only be able to buy ramen noodles, but it would be sustenance until the next day.

Stopped and looked at cars on the way back up. Just to get an idea of what I needed to do to prepare. Sitting at CC's right now drinking ginger peach tea. I'll probably be here til I go to my homegroup tonight. Gonna listen to music and do research. It's nice to be able to sit and chill out.

I'll write more tonight as always. Have an awesome day!

What's Different?

2011-12-14T20:21:00.005-06:00

Our moderator at the "After Work" group started us on the topic of steps 4 and 5. I finished these steps not too long ago, so they were still pretty fresh on my mind. 6 and 7 also fall into alignment with these. Finished those very recently so I was eager to share. Unfortunately my cough precluded me from doing much talking at either meeting today. All I could really do effectively was sit there, listen, and chew on cough drops....

The themes from everyone's moral inventories were pretty similar. Learning to lie and manipulate from very early on all the way up to the time we enter an earnest recovery. None of our stories are very unique. Our self-centeredness and ego plague us and our loved ones until we say, "Enough." Until we start working those steps. Until we turn it over to God. Ego quickly turns to humility, much to the amazement of the alcoholic and those around them.

A guy shared, tonight, that one of his relatives asked him what was different this time. Being used to the question he started to answer, but they cut him off. "Something really is different. what is it?" He told them that he was honestly working his steps and doing the program as suggested in the Big Book. Same story for me... People notice a definite difference. And the same as him, I'm actually working the program. Not just going and sitting and waiting for an hour to be up. That never kept me sober... And it sure as hell wasn't recovery.

Other news... Hmm. I pick up another chip Sunday, my sponsor is making gumbo for some of us Monday, will hopefully have a new place by Wed. (Luckily there's no lease involved where I'm looking, a guy at the group has a 3 bedroom house uptown and asked if I wanted to be a roomie. I won't be there long-term, but it's a big step up.), decided to use my income tax this year to look at making a down payment on a car. Some of this is future stuff and subject to change, of course. That's the plan, though.

Sat at Audubon Park before my meeting today. Here's a picture of a turkey duck. Goodnight!

The Realities and Verities of Existence

2011-12-14T13:54:00.006-06:00

Our moderator at Mustard Seed read the old Sanskrit proverb by Kalidasa that I love. Sometimes I pull up 24 Hours a Day just to read it. I know I've posted it here before, but I am again since it is relevant to the topic...

Look to this day,

For it is life,

The very life of life.

In its brief course lie all

The realities and verities of existence,

The bliss of growth,

The splendor of action,

The glory of power

For yesterday is but a dream,

And tomorrow is only a vision,

But today, well lived,

Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness

And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day.

It's a powerful reminder to live in the present. The past is history and the future is a mystery. We can only learn from our pasts and strive to be better. Preparing and planning for the future is great, but we can only live in the "now". Worrying too much about what might happen down the road robs us of our ability to take care of current matters. Once again.... Today, well lived, makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.

The future is going to be spectacular as long as I'm doing what I need to do today to ensure that. :)

I'll write again after my evening meeting. Until then... Peace.

Why Am I Here?

2011-12-13T21:57:00.004-06:00

That was tonight's topic. Some stories were happy... some were sad. The relapsers who just came back into our ranks admitted that they had gone back out because they didn't have sponsors or weren't working their steps. That was my problem for the longest time. Self-will. Finally getting a real sponsor and working the hell out of those steps have made me a different person. A better person. Still Jay, just minus the personality crippling defects. And that is with some humility and direct help from my Higher Power.

So why am I here? I'm here for me. To save my life. To make myself better for me and the ones I love. To have the tools to deal with life on life's terms. To be in a position to help my fellows in any way I can. To find success and happiness. To have that family and that future with the woman I love so much. To live a sober and fruitful life. Things I couldn't do when I wasn't in recovery. I'm very grateful.

Going to be doing my amends very soon. My sponsor wants to see the list this weekend. We sat for about 2 hours at his apartment after the meeting chatting and reading.... and drinking coffee.

So that was my evening. Hope your's was great. Have a good night and a great tomorrow!

I'm Back!

2011-12-13T16:25:00.004-06:00

I know... It wasn't even 24 hours. Just thought I'd post a really quick heads-up. Found a replacement piece that fits my charger so I don't have to go out and buy a new one. Woot!

I'm about to head up to my men's group then meet with my sponsor about my next steps. I'll write about it afterwards.

Off the next two days too. Not a bad day so far.

Really?

2011-12-12T20:01:00.003-06:00

My laptop's charger just literally exploded right here in the coffee shop. I'm running on what power I have left now. I have the worst luck with these things.

I have set it up so I can post from my phone.

I had a great meeting and was all prepared to share about humility. That was part of our topic.

Now I must go and see if Radio Shack is still open. No biggie. Stuff happens.

Have a great night, all!

Killing Time

2011-12-12T16:44:00.003-06:00

Got a couple of hours before my meeting, so I came down to CC's. Bought a coffee and am listening to Cake on Spotify. Tonight is our 12 and 12 book study. 12 steps, 12 traditions. Haven't been to it in a while because of work.

Ah.... Now I'm listening to The Cure's cover of Purple Haze. Got my songs all jumbled up.

I did get to thinking when I was walking by The Rendezvous bar. Saw a sign outside that had drink specials on it. It's just something that I don't want anymore. I have absolutely no desire to go back to that way of life. It's sad and useless. Don't get me wrong, Bars and clubs don't bother me. I can go in and drink diet cokes all night. Whether it's watching a game, seeing a band, or even dancing... That's not true for all alcoholics, not something I'd do without Sarah, and I haven't even done any of that stuff lately anyway.

Jay's problems with alcohol came from Jay. Not his location. My sponsor does advise to always have an out, however. Advice I shall heed to the letter when those occasions arise. It's something to take into account for the future. Right now, though, I'm concentrating on today.

Let's see... Work went well. Still coughing from when I was sick the other day. Nothing else much of interest to write about this second.

I may write more after my meeting.

You Talkin' To Me?

2011-12-11T22:57:00.003-06:00

I was helping some people tonight and one of them made it a point to tell me, "You are a very patient person. You must be in a good mood." I looked around. No one was standing behind me. A little dazed I replied, "Well thank you. Thank you very much." Some say that others usually notice differences in you before you do. It's been a long time since I've heard something like that.

Another thing that occurred to me today was that, until recently, I've never gone to church alone. Not once in 38 years. That's certainly not a bad thing. Just different. It's nice seeing all the families there, though. Gives me something to aim for. ;)

Not much else to write about really. Have to be up very early for work. Got a couple of job interviews this week. Oh.... and the Saints beat the Titans today. WHO DAT?!

Have a good night and a great tomorrow!